Your browser (Internet Explorer 7 or lower) is out of date. It has known security flaws and may not display all features of this and other websites. Learn how to update your browser.


Navigate / search

Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls

UPDATE:  Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls is going to be a book!  Three “Ten Things” books are slated to be released September 2014 from Broadman & Holman Publishers (LifeWay Christian Resources).  Official announcement is here.  Get excited!


1.  If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys.  To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts.  If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up.  If you don’t want to date a guy who ogles at the breasts of other women, then maybe you should stop offering your own breasts up for the ogling.  All attention is not equal.  You think you want attention, but you don’t.  You want respect.  All attention is not equal.

2. Don’t go to the tanning bed.  You’ll thank me when you go to your high school reunion and you look like you’ve been airbrushed and then photoshopped compared to the tanning bed train wrecks formerly known as classmates – well, at least next to the ones that haven’t died from skin cancer.

3.  When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we  know exactly who you’re talking about.  People are smarter than you think they are.  Stop posting passive-aggressive statuses about the myriad of ways your friends disappoint you.

4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama.  Non-dramatic people don’t feel the need to discuss all the drama they didn’t start and aren’t involved in.

5.  “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever. 

6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being.  Emotion is good; it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Emotion makes us better – so long as it remains in it’s proper place: subject to truth and reason.

7.  Smoking is not cool.

8.  Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.”  First of all, that’s not true.  And second of all, if it is true, you need a perspective shift.  Your reputation matters – greatly.  You should care what people think of you.

9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention.  Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you.  Don’t play dumb to stroke someone’s ego.  Don’t bat your eyelashes in exchange for attention and expect to be taken seriously, ever.  You can’t have it both ways.  Either you show the world that you have a brain and passions and skills, or you don’t.  There are no damsels in distress managing corporations, running countries, or managing households.  The minute you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got.

10.  You are beautiful.  You are enough.  The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough.  You are not thin enough.  You are not tan enough.  You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough.  Your teeth are not white enough.  Your legs are not long enough.  Your clothes are not stylish enough.  You are not educated enough.  You don’t have enough experience.  You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so.  You have innate value.  You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored.  There has never been, and there will never be another you.  Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world.  They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough.


(Read “Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Boys” here.)
(Read last year’s “Ten Things I Want To Tell New Moms” here.)
  • Laneygirl27

    Katie your are the most wonderful Godly woman and I love you for saying all of this and i am going to share this on my wall so that some of  my friends can read this. Thank you Thank you Thank you :)

  • Andrea Melissa Wood

    love your boldness!!

    • Jonrobertp

      testing link for now.

      • Jon

        OP…good post. I’m a guy with daughters; and also a  photographer.  Women of any age who decide to show cleavage, boobs, thighs, etc…are not thinking properly.  Fems will get the attention…it’s very difficult for any male to Not look at boobs. Women are responsible to dress in such a manner as to not invite sexual thoughts by male eyes.  To completely put the blame on men …when they react to the scene presented to them…is simply not fair, and putting both themselves and the males at risk of misadventure. When will they ever learn that they don’t have to compete to see who can rouse the most reaction from a guy by presenting a sexual scene to him ?  Rather childish behavior. 
        It’s time for real women to step up, dress fashionably, use makeup & hair to make themselves attractive, keep their weight in order, and love God above all else. 

  • Ashley Mullen

    So great! I hope my niece reads this and later down the road, my girls.

  • Corey

    Kate, thank you for posting this! You have no idea how much I needed to hear all of those words at this exact moment.

  • Lauren Gainer

    Wonderfully said!

  • guest

    I wish I read this a few years back. Could of saved me a lot of trouble.  Haha. Followed my heart, saw a boy, didn’t think i was beautiful enough so i showed off my boobs, act stupid to get attention, got him and lost him, i don’t care what everyone thinks. Damn could’ve been a way smarter kid with this post. Learnt all of these the harder way. Had to get burn to know fire’s hot. Gotta save this for my future kids!

    • Tima

      My guess is she learned this the hard way too :)

      • Kate Conner

         As a strong-willed child myself, yes, I tend to have to learn things the hard way! :)

    • Sunni63

      Well the great thing is, that you did LEARN from it so it wasn’t a mistake.  We all make mistakes but if we learn from them then they are LESSONS and life is full of lessons! 

  • Robert

    I’m a guy, and I would have to say a rather down-to-earth guy, and I agree with this article.  I hate when girls wear slutty clothing,  I much prefer healthy skin to tan skin, I hate it when girls are mean to people on facebook,  just hearing the word “drama” makes me roll my eyes, I hate seeing girls go with jocks and losers that look good but wont treat them decent, I am an emotional guy myself so I don’t like it when girls hide their feelings, smoke is retarded,  if you say you don’t care what people think then you probably have no ambitions, I absolutely HATE when girls act stupid to try and get attention, that is the biggest turn OFF ever, and I hate when a girl, especially one I like talks about how she isn’t pretty enough for some other guy, but unfortunately girls never think you are serious when you say something like, “I think you are beautiful.”

    • Shadon2219

      It’s good to know there are still girls out there like you!!!

      • Shadon2219


    • Anonymous

      Robert, you sound a lot like my dear husband!  He and I have been happily (mostly!) married for almost 33 years!  May God bless you and give you a very happy marriage. 

    • Becka

      While your heart seems to be in the right place, it seems that your focus is on how women should be to be appealing to YOU – instead of letting women (and men!) be who they want to be for THEMSELVES.

      • Rdunklin1326

        That is kinda the idea. Girls wanting to know how to appeal to a guy will appreciate this advice. I don’t see him as being selfish, but answering the question of how to appeal to a guy. In this particular situation, it IS about how to appeal to him! Just like if a guy is unsure about what appeals to women would like to hear what makes women happy. Not selfish, just informative and to the point.

        • Joysmit60

          I believe you are completely right!

    • Quita

      For a great take on the issue of girls not being able to accept complements (and a good laugh), see This guy’s got great relationship advice!

      • Rdunklin1326

        followed the link. Loved it! Thanks!

    • Mina Sanayei Wirth

      how about a word other than ‘”slutty” to refer to a woman’s appearance? Thanks.

      • Annasmom02

         If it’s slutty, then it’s slutty. If you wear things that make something think that word, maybe you should change your wardrobe. I have been told by many men that a more modest appearance is more attractive.

        • Anonymous

          The definition of “slut” is someone who is or is considered to be sexually promiscuous. I was unaware that you could identify someone who sleeps around by what they’re wearing. “Short shorts? Oh, she must have slept with like 10 guys.” We say, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But automatically assume that someone wearing clothes WE don’t approve of must be a prostitute or slut. I don’t find it to be an appropriate word to use when describing the attire of the average teenage girl — for whom this post was addressed to. “Revealing clothing” portrays the image you’re thinking of. Using a derogatory word is inappropriate, period. Love covers a multitude of sins, unless I’m mistaken.

          • Arica Hord Jones

             I think the idea he was going for was dressing provocatively in a means to deliberately titillate others.  That is I think what they drive at.  A slut is a habit of a person and that bahaviour does not have a uniform per se.  But I think the spirit of what was being driven at was revealing clothing  does not make a woman more attractive but suggests she gives the impression of having nothing else to bring to the table. 

          • Ree

            “To deliberately titillate others”?  This is an assumption.  You don’t know that.  Maybe the person just felt like wearing it that day; maybe they associated that shirt, that skirt with a happy memory or someone they loved.  If you find it so provocative, why not ignore it–how does that harm you?

          • Araehunter

             Amen.  And how about when women wear clothes that completely cover up their bodies?  Like, sweat pants and a t-shirt, for instance?  Then the comment is “wow, she isn’t even TRYING anymore. She’s letting herself GO”  What a load of crap!  I keep reading on here that woman should dress BEAUTIFULLY but not PROVOCATIVELY.  Well, I, for one, think women should dress exactly as they choose.   And men should get over it.  You want to be attracted to someone for their mind and their soul?  Forget what they’re wearing and go talk to them.  We still talk to you and you’re still wearing cargo shorts!

          • regular joe

             But we men CAN”T get over it, no matter how many sensitivity trainings we are exposed to. It’s hardwired.   You certainly have the right to dress any way you want, but it’s insensitive to dress provocatively if you mean no provocation.  I would not think highly of a person brandishing alcohol at an AA meeting or cake at a weight-watcher’s meeting.  I can’t respect a woman who chooses her right to show whatever she wants over respect for others.

          • Rdunklin1326

            It IS a common perception when a girl dresses that way wether we like it or not. Most guys that like it only do so because they have their mind in the gutter. This is not the same as someone wearing unstylish clothes. Unless the person is one of those “blissfully unaware” and honestly just put on the first thing they grab, it takes a mental effort to dress that way. While there is a way to look sexy, but still tasteful, some girls just don’t get it. They are trying to “SELL THEMSELVES” (not literally, but figuratively) and they place the focus in the wrong areas. If they know that people see it as slutty rather than sexy, it might help them out a bit. And maybe YOU don’t see it as slutty, but alot of people most definitely will. That doesn’t mean they assume the chic is bangin twenty guys later that night! Just that she might want to consider finding a “selling point” that showcases her finer characteristics.
              Let the guy express his opinions his way and take offense only if it applies to you. After all, it is HIS opinion, not yours.

          • Ree

            Not to mention the boundary keeps changing, according to time and place.  Shorts?  Okay–unless you’re in Morocco, then you get stones thrown at you.  Bare arms?  Fine–unless it’s 1867.  Showing your face?  Wonderful–unless you’re in Saudi Arabia, where you will literally be clawed at.

            Here’s an idea–how about we stop forcing women to cover themselves unless they want to?  And stop pushing them into proscribed social roles that allow us to treat them less respectfully, just because they’re showing a little skin?

          • Guest

            Because clothing always has, and always will be, a reflection of culture and wearer. 

            What we wear on the outside is a reflection of who we are on the inside.  If a person wants to dress in a provocative manner that’s their decision of course, but they shouldn’t have any illusion that they’re going to be viewed the same as someone who dresses in a modest, self-respecting fashion.  You want the part, dress for it.

        • Rdunklin1326

          Thank you!

      • Rdunklin1326

        How about skanky? It is what it is. There are many ways to refer to distasteful clothing . It is just a word. However, I believe that the word “retarded” is widely misused. Personally, I would be offended if I was retarded and was constantly being compared to people who are just plain stupid. “Retarded” is a medical diagnosis. Stupid is not.

        • Ree

          Disgusting language.  Police your mouth–or, by your logic (since we’re judging on appearances) I should assume you have no education and were brought up in a barn.

      • DeclareTruth

        Why a different word?  Slutty describes it perfectly.  Whorey? “Dresses like a street walker”?  See what I mean?  So-o-o Mina – what would YOU suggest, since you don’t like “slutty”?

        • Guest

          How about inappropriate? I don’t like any of those references in terms of clothing. You can not tell that a person is based on what they are wearing, only that their clothing choice might be inappropriate. And that is your version of inappropriate; and who are you to be judging? Pretty sure it says that anyone without sins gets to cast the first stone…

          • Safeinhiskeeping

             Guest the Bible says if you see someone over taken in a fault to restore that person…  When Yahshua said he that is without sin let him cast the first stone, he was referring to hypocrites that were trying to stone a woman for adultery when they were probably the ones she was sleeping around with… So your “he that is without sin” statement doesn’t fit here.  Robert is not telling women don’t dress this way while he chooses this type to date…

        • Ree

          Your language is disgusting.

      • MakeThisLookAwesome

        Guys can be slutty too. Assuming that only girls can be slutty is the REAL bigotry here… If that’s the way you think, then look to your own thoughts first, instead of attacking someone for a valid argument.

    • Mellnikm

      I appreciate the intention, but using words like slutty and retarded are offensive, and not just to women. I understand you are trying to say you appreiate empowered women and want more for those who aren’t, but in stating over and over how much you “HATE” them, you have become one of the judgmental who helps kep them feeling bad about themselves. Instead, love them, believe in them, even when they don’t love and believe in themselves.

      • Aaa

        ^ proof women will never be pleased.

        • Rdunklin1326

          Ha Ha Ha! Sounds like something my bf would say.

      • Rdunklin1326

        He isn’t criticizing the girl, only the behavior. Sometimes it takes strong words to get the point across. While the word retarded may be a bad choice of words, girls should know that dressing slutty doesn’t attract the right kind of guy. And if girls realized that acting weak, needy or dumb, or expressing a bad opinion of themselves was hurting them rather than helping them, it might prompt them to re-evaluate and change their behavior. I know it has given me something to think about. As I mentioned in a previous post, I struggle with a rather low self esteem, and express negative opinions of myself to my bf regularly. Not sure why, but I think maybe subconsciously I am attempting to apologize for what I see as short comings and want him to see past them. But he tells me all the time he sees no flaws, that he thinks I am perfect, and I am slowly but surely starting to believe him. He has expressed his frustration over my “self-bashing”, and I am working hard to fix it. I HATE the thought of losing a man who loves me and thinks I am so perfect just because I can’t bring myself to believe it just might be true!

        • AnnieCat

          Believe him and keep him.  Mine is still saying I’m the one for him, and it’s been 31 years.  What a life of happiness!

        • Good enough for me

          I’m dealing with the same thing also but its stems more from repeatedly being told just that, that I am not good enough. Some girls hear it all their lives from men they thought would could or did love them. I’ve learned I must love myself even if no man can.stay strong because God still loves you.

        • Sunflower74onthebeach

          What you described is called the perfectionist role.
          We set impossibly high standards with impossible to reach goals
          ? What do you think you should look like ?
          ? How could you look like that, is it possible?
          ?How long would it take to change what you can?
          Our constant comparison to an idealized other person (verbally + mentally)
          ? Can you be someone else ?
          ? Is being you not good enough?
          When these thoughts come into our minds or we
          hear ourselves speaking negatively about ourselves
          we need to ask these simple questions to put these ideas in perspective
          (This statement is what I am working on hope it helps others)

      • DeclareTruth

        Funny how wearing slutty clothes and acting retarded is ok, but calling the clothes slutty and the actions retarded isn’t.  Guess there’s not much room for truth in the insanity of this “politically correct” world, is there.   Mellnikm, please re-read Robert’s comment.  He NEVER said he hated the girls, NOT EVEN ONE TIME!!  He said he hated it when they did those things.  If a girl feels bad about herself because someone calls her slutty clothes what they are, well, then, maybe she should change how she dresses instead of insisting that someone respect/accept/approve of a way of dressing that suggests she is a loose woman.

        • BellaD

           Why? Why should she have to change? In all honesty, if you’re going to say that girls should be loved and accepted, then accept that there are girls who want to put their cleavage out there, who take pride in the fact that their tush is tight and looks cute in a mini skirt, who see nothing wrong with just wanting sex.  I’d rather be a loose woman who loves herself, than a woman who is told that she can’t be respected or accepted unless she changes.

          • MrsMehitabel

            You know, I think about that a lot. Even though I think it’s an outrageously horrible idea to be promiscuous and whatnot, it does seem like a lot of people are sending out mixed messages about women- so much of what I hear from religious commentators sounds like “Women should be protected and cherished- except feel free to tear them down ruthlessly in the name of God.” Or, “Women should be protected and cherished- as long as they toe the line.” I wonder why it’s not more widely recognized, and the people called out who use that reasoning?

          • Araehunter

             i am SO with you.  I think it’s ridiculous to tell women what sort of clothes they should wear.  how many people do you hear saying “Gentlemen, you know when you unbutton that top button, you’re attracting the wrong kind of attention.”  Zero!  I dress relatively conservatively, but it’s because it makes me feel good to wear what i wear.  women aren’t “loose” -  or “slutty” as Robert puts it  – because they wear a shirt that shows off a part of their body that they like.   such a stupid double standard. 

          • Aaron”OldValues”Cox

            As respectful adult male, (I’m a very old timey kinda guy, If you show respect you’ll receive it, especially with women) when I see a beautiful woman wearing respectable clothes (not a shawl over her head with no skin showing, just respectable. I SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SEE UP INSIDE OF YOU) I think “Wow, she’s really hot!”, Then I’ll go up and talk to her to read her personality. When I see an equally beautiful woman (I’ll use that term lightly) wearing something like what’s shown in the picture, first my dude side says “Wow I bet she puts out!” (Turned on) then I think “Hmmm, If she doesn’t have enough self-respect to cover herself, I wonder how her teeth look…” (Turned off…) then I’ll see that they’re falling out most likely, If they’re not then we move on to number three anyways, “Now how many STD’s would I like from this transaction?” “Would I like a frappachino with those warts?”. (Running away frantically) No thank you. I usually just stop at the teeth part because if you’re not cleaning there… elsewhere may be lacking too.

            I am in no way saying having sex or wearing “provocative” clothing is wrong. Nor am I saying wearing such clothing makes you dirty, it is assumed though. I just think that these days younger (and older) women need to be aware of the fact that us men… Our mind’s not always where it should be. So when you went to that party in your fav mini skirt and the shirt your parents never let you wear, and you were sooo wasted you don’t even remember what happened that night. Later you find out that you slept with your best friend, which totally ruined your relationship… Months later you find out you’re pregnant and he moves away when he hears it through the grapevine… After all, he’s not prepared to be a dad… Most girls think “Oh, it’ll never happen to me, I’m safe…” Think again… Guys can run… girls can’t… Now what do you think caused the best friend to want sex from you? “Alcohol, well maybe a little” Yes let’s blame it on that… It’s very important to be yourself, but just face it… you’re reputation matters greatly. What you wear and how you present yourself affects how you judge yourself and how you’re judged by others (and don’t give me this don’t judge people load because we all do it, it’s human nature. Just like sex. Please see the bottom line in the pic provided) Please… Think again. When you think that wearing certain clothing doesn’t affect your attitude and lifestyle dramatically, Think again…

            Just because I look like a slut, doesn’t mean I’m a slut.
            And just because I act like a rapist, doesn’t mean I’m a rapist.
                                                            Sincerely Yours,

          • kelsey

            And why is it the female’s job to regulate how men see them? It’s HER fault for a guy staring at her boobs and “causing” him to lust, NO! That leads to victim blaming for rape too. “Well she wore slutty clothing so she was just asking to be raped, it doesn’t surprise me, it was her fault”. Why don’t men control themselves for once.

          • Chris

            If you TRULY love yourself, you wouldn’t be a loose woman.  You would respect yourself enough to realize some behaviors are just flat out destructive.  

          • Ree

            Oh for God’s sake.  Why don’t you worry about yourself and stop trying to police women’s actions?

          • Araehunter

             a LOOSE woman?? what century are you from?  What is your definition of loose, exactly? And does the same apply to men?

          • HSTeacher

            Having known girls like that, it is pretty clear to me that those girls do not love and respect themselves. They see their bodies as the only way they can get ahead in this world, so they put it out there. To me, it’s quite sad, and they get into worlds of trouble, such as pregnancies, STD’s, and low self-esteem. To me, respecting yourself means not wanting the kind of attention your body draws, but the attention your mind, heart, and soul draws. Dress beautifully, but not provocatively. Let them get to know *you* before they know your body. Then they will respect you *and* your body. The other way around just leads to self-destruction, and when you’ve self-destructed, can you ever really respect yourself? As someone who works with high school girls, I’ve seen the way they act because society tells them it’s the only way to “get a man.” But I tell them at every opportunity that acting like that only gets them boys. If they want a real man who will respect them for themselves, they have to first respect themselves and know that who they really are inside is way more beautiful and tempting than who they dress themselves up to be on the outside.

        • Ree

          Your language is APPALLING.  Slutty?  Retarded?  I can’t take anyone seriously who uses that kind of disgusting language.  ”Hating” someone because they dress a certain way?  Unbelievable.

          • Casual Bystander

            This comment was posted by a youngster. A clean-mouthed youngster, by today’s standards. I know plenty of adolescents who don’t actually realize that using “retarded” and “gay” the way they do is offensive to anyone. 

            But instead of trying to shame them by telling them how appalling they are, I take a minute to explain to them WHY someone who identifies with those labels may find it offensive that the word was used as a synonym for “stupid”. How, quite unlike whoever’s behavior they were describing, someone who is mentally retarded can’t help the way they act. So it’s not fair to give it the same description. Now, slutty? That’s not disgusting language, that’s a descriptive term. One often used with pride by those who choose to act that way. Girls don’t “accidentally” wear an outfit that qualifies as slutty. It’s not like “Oops, I meant to just accentuate my figure, but I accidentally didn’t wear a bra!” They are putting themselves on display, and they are old enough to know the difference between skanky and good-looking. 

          • Lauren

            Ree i think you might not be listening to what is being said.  What is simply being said is that he hates he action they are doing not the person themselves.  He’s saying he knows these women are beautiful and lovely, but they are hiding it by taking the actions that they do.  If you have children I’m sure you could understand this………I’m sure there are days your children do things you absolutely HATE….because you know they have so much more to offer to the world and to themselves.

      • Ree

        Agreed. “Slutty”?  Appalling and misogynistic language.

        • MakeThisLookAwesome

          Assuming only girls can be slutty is misogynistic…. Look to your own thoughts first before attacking someone else.

      • Joysmit60

        I didn’t read, what you read apparently! My perception was not that he called girls “slutty”, but the clothing! He did use the word ” hate” a little much, but still I thought he was hating actions, not the people themselves! We can hate actions, without hating the ones that did the things that disturb us. I don’t much like the word retarded, but young people don’t always talk like I think they should, now days!

    • Rdunklin1326

      Robert, I have left a couple of comments in your defense, and I feel like I left something out. But first, let me say, with all the people in the world who are actually mentally retarded, I can see how that would be offensive. If I was retarded, I would get tired of constantly being compared to stupid people. HOWEVER, everyone on here is saying,”BE YOURSELF! DON’T PASS JUDGEMENT”, and that is exactly what they are doing to you. I think you made some fine points. You stated in the beginning that you were a down to earth guy. Most down to earth people I know don’t go around using complicated words. While it may not have been the most tactful way to express your thoughts, I think your point was very easy to understand. PEOPLE:  HE IS BEING HIMSELF! I THINK WE ALL GOT THE POINT! TAKE THE BENEFIT OF THE STATEMENT AND STOP NIT-PICKING OVER THE WORDS HE INSTINCTIVELY CHOSE TO USE! A lot of guys beat around the bush about their feelings for one reason or another. This one is laying all his cards on the table. The word “slutty” should not offend you if it doesn’t apply to you. This is a true opinion about the image a girl projects about herself. These are HIS feelings, not yours! If he sees a girl showing too much skin it is not up to us to tell him how to feel about it. He is trying to be honest and maybe helpful. If I went out thinking I looked hot I would appreciate someone telling me if it was a little too much, even if they chose to say,”you look kinda slutty, not hot”.  If you get offended by this, maybe the advice was meant for you. Maybe you are the one who is trying to get a guy, and is going about it the wrong way. If not, maybe you just need to chill. Would you all have preferred that he keep this powerful statement to himself for fear that his choice of words may hurt somebody’s feelings? Not me. I wish a guy had said this to me when I was in high school.

      • Melmcrmstrong

        I teach middle school and have taught high school. Be offended by his language if you want. But, spend time in a middle or high school and you will be much more offended. Slutty and retarded aren’t nice words but they aren’t even close to what the average teenage is saying or hearing. Get over his vocabulary and hear his point. If I didn’t do this daily, every student would fail.

        • Joysmit60

          : ) I do like some teachers!

    • Ellspethroberts

      Thank you.  The world needs more men like you. 

      • Ree

        No, fewer, rather.  We have plenty of misogynist female-policers already, according to this post!

    • Jls7236

      There are a LOTof people here who like to criticize others. How about we worry a little more about the log in our own eye?

    • Groovymamma78

      Dang! I totally missed the memo that said women are supposed to be offended by the word, “slutty!” Sugar coating actions is part of the problem. If the shirt is barely there or you’re doing way too much with way too many people, I can’t think of a better word for your actions! Take it easy on the guy who’s just trying to express his desire for a “real” girl!
      Loved this post & wish girls could somehow picture life down the road a few years when high school & college have passed before making decisions! I certainly would have done things differently!

      • Ree

        You need to read up a bit.  Crack open a book or two.  Slutty and retarded are indeed considered offensive and your flippant, trying-way-too-hard-to-appear-one-of-the-guys attitude is sad, frankly.

    • MakeThisLookAwesome

      You can help a girl take you more seriously if you tell her *why* you think she’s beautiful, and what it means to you. I was a very pretty girl, but hated when people told me that because pretty was something I inherited… It’s like telling someone, “You’re so lucky!” Oh yeah? If it makes you so happy, why am I not happy?

      Instead of saying, “I think you’re beautiful,” try instead, “this is why you’re beautiful to me…” If you want to encourage her to be kind, tell her how impressed you are that she’s nice to people. If you want her to know she’s attractive, tell her why and what features are attractive to you.

      Most important, remind her that a $#!++¥ attitude can make even the most attractive woman ugly. Remind her that it’s strength of character that makes people beautiful, not just the good looks mom & dad gave her.

      She’ll thank you for it. Maybe not immediately, but eventually she will. More girls need to know that from guys. We blossom with constructive male attention. We whither from neglect & abuse. You can be that empowering force and help guide her to see her value.

      And thanks so much for being one of the “good guys.” You’ll make an excellent husband someday (assuming that’s something you want ;)

  • Rscf1520

    thanks – this is so important for women to know esp. # 10

  • Jeanne Wagner

    Thank you. All girls should read this. Not just the young ones; I know plenty of ones who have daughters old enough to read it, who should read it too.

  • Rachel, a high school teacher

    You have spoken truth! Thank you!

  • Jeri1053

    Every young girl should read this!  You are right on target!

  • Tom Robinson

    As a father of four girls (3 teenagers), your remarks ring so loud and clear – and so-full of truth. In just a few paragraphs, you’ve spoken more truth about females valuing themselves, than I’ve heard in a multitude of pulpits.  May God bless you, increase your wisdom and understanding – and your heart for your key audience. 

    • Kate Conner

       Thank you so much!

  • Daisy

    Hi Kate!  New reader here directed to you by FB.  First, I love Anne Lamott and I dig the name of your blog!  Thank you for your bravery in sharing your lily pads with the world!
    I agree with most of this post, yet I’d encourage you to consider a few things if you haven’t already.  It’s your blog of course, but since you allow comments, here are mine.  If you writing to all girls, and not just white girls, you might want to expand on the “not tan enough” line – because for women of color, the “ideal” woman is often light, not dark – thus bleaching creams, etc.   However based on your next line (e.g. blonde) you may just be pointing out the conventional beauty standard is one that often values whiteness.  Um, “train wrecks?”  Perhaps you were kidding or writing in an “edgy” style, but based on what I hear your heart saying in your last point, I think you’d agree that people who tan are beautiful too, and worthy of our respect.  You can make your point about the dangers of skin cancer without shaming or devaluing people who tan now or have before.Re: your first point: I think I might get that if I didn’t expect more from men.  Maybe you expect more too, but it sort of reads as you resigning yourself to some men being what I think you (and I) would consider disrespectful.  But… We are each responsible for how we view others.  We can choose to see people as people, and not as body parts, regardless of what they are wearing.  We should be able to wear whatever we want and be fully respected. When I see folks in clothing I would not choose to wear, it can be tempting to think that perhaps they should consider making a different choice – but that’s just it – it’s their choice.  My choice is to respond with love, not judgment.  Not blaming them for the kind of attention they “attracted.”  If I have a problem with what someone is wearing, it’s just that – my problem.   Women should not have to protect themselves from the male gaze.  What is “modest?” Can I wear spaghetti straps?  Tank tops?  Sleeveless shirts?  Only shirts with sleeves?  Shorts?  Pants?  Skirts only?  Should I wear a headcovering?  For me, I think my advice to young girls would be to get to to know yourself.  Talk with other women.  Wrestle with these ideas.  This is a complicated conversation.   As you figure out what you like to wear and why, wear it with intentionality and respect for yourself and your unique expression of God’s image.  What makes you feel beautiful?  If it’s a burka, wear that.  If it’s a short skirt, wear that.  I can choose to see you as a whole person no matter what you wear.  As I’m typing, I’m still thinking “ugh, but why would you want to wear a mini?” – whoa, judgmental!  That’s my stuff I’m still working through.  It’s on me, not her.  So even as I struggle with it sometimes, I affirm all women in whatever they wear, ’cause women are so much more than what they wear.  I think the responsibility is with the viewer, not the wearer.  It’s on me to see the heart of a person.So yeah, regardless of what we wear or what we do with our bodies, we are all worthy of respect, for all the reasons you so beautifully outline in your last point.   

    “You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough.”  Quoted for truth.  :)

    • Kate Conner

       Hi Daisy – thanks for reading and commenting! 

      I totally hear you on the “white” beauty standard – the reason I chose the line “not tan enough” is because I am legit Irish.  As in, they literally do not make makeup fair enough for me in the winter time; “porcelain ivory” is too dark!  But I’m aware that so many BEAUTIFUL dark skinned women feel the same kind of pressure to be lighter skinned as I do to be tanner.  (Have you seen the preview for this documentary called “Dark Girls?”  It’s tragic and powerful and amazing.  I tanned some during high school and A LOT during my freshman year of college – regretting it now.  So no shame to the former or current tanners, just an exhortation to teenagers with youthful, healthy skin: stay away!

      As far as the way girls dress, I totally expect respect and purity from men!  But nobody can blame them for looking at that which they find irresistible when it is so overt.   Women’s bodies are beautiful!  Which is way I encourage young ladies to dress with wisdom – because, men don’t need any more reason than that to ogle!  I want to communicate to teenage girls that they can’t be surprised if disrespectful, hormonal guys start coming around if that’s the kind of bait they’re putting out there. I encourage girls to wear fashionable, appropriate clothes (different for everyone, as you mentioned, for me personally?  I’m cool with strapless dresses, spaghetti straps, shorts, etc.  I’m not okay with ridiculous cleavage, thongs hanging out of too-tight-jeans, skirts too short to function in, etc. Whatever you wear, it just has to FIT!)  I encourage the young ladies I know to flirt with their brains and their wonderful senses of humor and charm instead of their chests.  :)

      All that to say, I see where you’re coming from!  Thanks again for reading!

      • Pzlgirl

         Just a quick aside to say that I’m comforted to know someone else has the same skin issue.   I went into Sephora and asked, “What color foundation should I get?”  And the sassy guy said, “Girl, there isn’t a color light enough.”   I’m basically clear colored.  It’s so not attractive… but I refuse to tan because of health reasons. 

        • Anonymous

          Super white girl here, too, and so is my daughter, who HAS been tanning, and smoking.  And I think her skin is beginning to look as old as MINE and I’m 24 years older!  Be careful.

      • guest

        In response to #1, I would like to direct you to a link.
           This was a survey conducted by young men and given to young men.  It is very eye-opening as to how young men struggle with purity in thought when a girl is sitting next to them with her “boobs” hanging out.  I understand the idea that it’s the guy’s responsibility to control his thoughts.  But, let’s face it, pre-pubescent and pubescent boys have a difficult time as it is controlling their emotions and thoughts.  Why should we make it any more difficult?  It would be like me saying that I refuse to think about chocolate (I’m a self-proclaimed chocoholic).  If I show up at a party and everyone is eating chocolate, what am I going to think about?  It would be crazy to think that I could NOT think about it.  I know, it’s a crazy metaphor, but it works for me! 

        Thanks for writing this!  It’s great!

        • MakeThisLookAwesome

          Men need to learn how to maintain purity of thought if a completely naked hot chick is in front of the. Just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean we should accept weakness! Do you really want to say, “its okay if you lose control over the sight of a boob. you’re a man, you can’t control yourself around scantily clad women. We understand you can’t help it.”


          Men are going to be BOMBARDED with images of sex from the media alone!’ We should *expect* them to maintain purity of thought, otherwise they’ll be unable to resist sexy marketing. Is that really the outcome you want? I don’t think so….

    • Grannysroses
      Here is a good place to go to read what guys think with the different types of dress…

    • C Green

      I did not get the impression that she was devaluing women of color or darker skin.    She is merely encouraging women to be content with what they have and not try to change it, particularly when it means damage to your skin.  The whole point is many women, including my fair daughter, want to have darker skin.   I did too and now have horrible sun damage.  Obviously, darker skin is seen as beautiful, not ugly.   
      Also, the modesty comment is about showing your boobs.  How much may be relative to individual standards, but any hint will entice men.  The problem I have with women demanding they dress as they please is that it is ultimately selfish and self-serving.  They like the “wrong” attention because it feeds their egos.   The bottom line is that it is unfair to men who struggle with lust and who feel enticed by what they see.  Yes, most men lust anyway, but women can make a choice to dress in a way that is not fanning the flame.  

      • Arica Hord Jones

         It has nothing to do with what your skin colour is.  It has to do with ‘Do not do unhealthy things to damage your skin for cosmetic purposes’.  Tanning beds are wildly popular.  Many young women think their skin is immortal.  Wrinkles are for ‘old people’.  They do not realize how much faster they age their skin by participating in such a process.  This wasn’t an ethnic statement, this was a don’t treat your body like processed food and expect it to stay healthy looking forever statement.

    • Ginger

      As a 42 year old mother of five, even I have a hard time NOT looking when beautiful breasts are being displayed.  I think the article simply states if you don’t want that sort of attention, don’t draw that attention to yourself. 

  • Pilotswife

    I don’t think this is just for teenage girls.  How about girls of  ALL ages. 

    • Rdunklin1326

      I agree. I know MANY grown women who could benefit from this! Some of these points have even opened my eyes. I criticize myself in my boyfriend’s presence all the time and I know he doesn’t like it. I have had low self esteem most of my life and he is working on that with me. I will forward this to all my middle aged girlfriends who could totally use the advice, as well as my teen-age step daughter(who already has more wisdom than most adults I know), and my nieces. As for the guy who credits God with the success of his relationship, I think it it GREAT that your spirituality has helped you in life. And thank you for sharing in hopes that it might help others. Advice is just that, and there is no rule saying you have to take it and apply it to your own life. I do not understand why anyone would criticize you for that. If you were at my door at dinnertime telling me this story while shoving a bible in my face, I may feel differently. But the great thing about the internet is, if you don’t like what you are reading YOU CAN TURN IT OFF! You were simply sharing your joy and the extent of criticism you received  was totally uncalled for. The guy who did the criticizing was obviously taught no manners. Hasn’t anyone ever told you, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?? With people like that walking around, no wonder the world is such a mess.

  • Cjbc65

    I think there are instances where you have to follow your heart rather than your head – it is our hearts that allow us to reach for our dreams. Imagine if JK Rowling had ignored her hearts desire to be a writer?  Or the Wright brothers had listened to their heads ‘common sense’ that told them men weren’t meant to fly? To some rules there are exceptions.  I agree with most of what you say in this post – but as a writer and therefore a professional daydreamer – I have to disagree with this one. = )

    • Kate Conner

       I’m so glad someone finally said this, because in the sense that you’ve stated it, I totally agree!  (And I’m also glad that you used JK Rowling as an example; I’m beginning the last HP book now.)

      When I wrote that young girls should not “follow their hearts,” I mean it in this way:  I believe that our hearts are naturally pretty selfish.  I believe that there are good, kind, giving, self-sacrificing people out there, but that they have learned to care about things bigger than themselves.  They have vision and passion.  And THAT, is always worth following! 

      I think that everybody should follow the things that move them.  We should pursue our passions and allow ourselves to be inspired.  I just don’t call that “my heart” because I know myself too well.  My heart fails me all the time; it tries to get me to take the easy way out if things get too hard or uncomfortable.  I’ve lived long enough to see that the things I once wanted SO MUCH would have been terrible for me – that I don’t really know what’s best for me after all.  So I don’t trust this little heart of mine that tells me what I want, because it’s wrong too much. 

      But passion and vision and inspiration are bigger than myself, they come from OUTSIDE myself instead of inside, and please, young women – follow those!!!

      • jpnlvr

        Now… what to do once you have followed your heart and found out it was not actually in your best interest…

      • CJbc65

        I think this needs to be put into context, and perhaps this is where you might have been a little more clear in your post. When should a girl follow her heart – when shouldn’t she? The teenage years are so full of temptation and pressure. It is a very confusing time!  If a girl’s heart is telling her to go on that mission trip with her youth group rather than to summer camp, or to take creative writing over a class that will just boost the GPA – then YES! Follow!  But there are times when have to ignore your heart, no matter how desperately you want to follow it.  I remember being a teenager, that all consuming love – the almost manic willingness to do whatever it took to hang onto him.  

        I have to once again disagree with you on a point you’ve made.  I feel that people are born caring and giving, and it is the world that makes them selfish and uncaring.  Allow me to give you a perfect example. When my daughter was young – around nine or ten – she used to go to the park to play.  She used to have the most loving, kind heart for Christ and she would sit on the swings and tell people about Jesus – kids, adults, anyone who would listen. And people DID listen. She would actually talk kids into coming to her kids group on Wednesday nights as guests.  Then, one day this woman came banging on our door and started screaming in my face about my daughter forcing her ‘delusions’ on her son. They were atheists, and not too pleased that someone had told their son differently.  Before she left she gave me a rather crude suggestion for what I should do with my Bible and then told me to keep my daughter quiet.  I told my daughter not to listen to the woman, but the damage was done – she never talked about Jesus at the park again. 

        I know that is kind of an extreme example, but you get my point. 

        And BTW – I absolutely LOVE hearing about other Christians who aren’t anti-Harry Potter!  Enjoy the last book – I personally didn’t care for it much, but it is still miles and miles above most of the other trash out there today! 

  • Lsm66

    Maybe if i print this and it happens to land on my daughter’s bed – she’ll read it!!!!

    • Kate Conner

       Try it!  My mom used to leave me pamphlets about melanomas on my pillow – I still went tanning occasionally, but I always felt bad about it (Definition of strong-willed child right here).  Shortly after, I gave it up all together.  Kids listen to moms more than we think. :)

      • Cklmiller

        I tried to warn one of my daughters about the tanning bed, even with a recorded TV show on it, but she didn’t listen.  Now, she has to go to the dermatologist every 6 months and get melanoma moles removed, that just keep coming. She’s 33.

  • Anonymous

    This is brilliant.  Really, really brilliant.

  • Anonymous

    Also, I think this may be on its way to viral-town :)   I’ve seen 13 shares on my friend’s list today.

  • Mtiger1

    I’d just like to add a different perspective to “I don’t care what anyone thinks”… It does not always mean “I can act like a fool because I don’t care what everyone thinks.” It can also mean a young woman who has the confidence, strength and courage of her convictions, regardless of what others may think. The young woman who cares enough for herself that the opinions of others do not matter.

    • Kate Conner

       Yes!  Well stated, and I absolutely agree! 

    • Ifonlyx33

      This is exactly the addendum I would add to #8

    • Joanne

      I disagree that we should care about our “reputation”. People judge. Often, these poeple are the ones that do NOT matter in the long term. CARE about those you love, and what THEY think of you..but total strangers??? Life is too short to worry about a random stranger thinking your skirt is too short or your shirt too tight. Why? Because NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO someone will disapprove. ALWAYS. Be yourself.

      • Bullwnkl_98

        I think of your reputation as more than those that judge you. Your reputation is a social projection of your behavior beyond those who may know you well enough to know whether a rumor is to be taken at face value. Benjamin Franklin said, “reputations are like porcelain: easily broken, and never well mended.” Protect your reputation through honesty and integrity, and you will never have to worry about those that judge you.

      • Music4TheSchools

        But eventually you will have to network and use references you find (yes, in high school) to get ahead in the world. You have to care. I am a music teacher and my director from high school saw how I carried myself throughout my teenage years and how much I respected myself and dressed in a conservative way and acted professional. She is the reason I am employed with my dream job at the present moment. The way you look does matter. The way people think of you does matter. Eventually, you have to network and the sooner you learn that, the more references you’ll have.

        • Emily

          That’s very encouraging, thanks! I’m planning to be a music teacher, and I’ve always aimed to be professional, even when I was younger. I’m 16 now, and hearing that what I’m doing will make a difference long term encourages me greatly.

      • Miss Jamie

        There is always going to be someone to judge. As long as you are using good judgement you can dismiss others opinions. If someone thinks your shirt is too tight or your skirt is too short perhaps you should re read number one. Just saying…

        • Joysmit60

          Could also be that the skirt is a little too tight or a little too short! You need to be open to that possibility, also! What kind of an image are you trying to portray? Just trying to look like the other young women, is not always the best thing! I had this problem with one of my daughters, when she was growing up.

      • Jryoung1986

        Reputation is what we think people think about us. Focus on your character and you will be able to sleep well at night!

      • Rdunklin1326

        What if “Being yourself” is working against you? What if the true you is negative and careless? I am working on teaching my 16 year old the difference between good pride and bad pride. He is at the age where he needs to be thinking  about his future. Currently, I have to remind him, if not argue with him daily, to take showers, keep his hair and teeth brushed and keep a good attitude. He has a very negative attitude. While he is very kind to most people, he thinks he can just threaten folks who cross him with violence. People are literally scared to be around him, and he doesn’t understand why. If he or I didn’t care how crappy his life may be, this behavior would be fine. But he wants things in life that this type of behavior is not going to support. If he wants decent friends, a decent job and a family later, he is going to have to start putting more effort into his appearance and trying to change his attitude. Noone is going to want to be friends with, marry, or hire someone who obviously has no pride in their self, and who has such a negative attitude. If he was taking good care of himself, had a better attitude and was truly putting his best foot forward, I would say,”don’t worry about what other people think”. But in this and many cases, kids have a hard time understanding the difference between taking pride in your appearance and behavior, and just being vain. There is nothing wrong with taking a second, when someone passes judgement on you, especially if it happens often, to take a look at yourself and decide if a change could help or if the person is just being shallow. Many times “considering the source” helps alot. Bottom line: Telling a child that they should not worry about their reputation, in my opinion, should come with further elaboration. If the kid puts forth the effort to be the best person they can be, then don’t worry about those who judge. But if the person they are does not promote the type of life they want to lead, then they probably could benefit from some changes. 

        • Momonthego

          I do not know you and your son, but I have raised a teenage boy.  Ours went through some phases that didn’t look too pretty, but we kept sharing positive encouragement which apparently stuck.  He is a caring, thoughtful adult now.  Keep the faith.  Still, as a professional in counseling, I want you to consider whether or not he could be dealing with depression to some level.   Depression doesn’t always look like SAD.  It can also look like ANGRY.  If you look up signs of depression, and it seems to fit him, find a reputable counselor to evaluate and help him.  I will add a prayer for your family to my list.

        • Senraku

          It sounds like you didn’t do enough good parenting whe you were raising him, and now you’re trying to play catch up.

        • Jared Lee Davis

          I don’t know if this will be welcome, but one thing you could check on if you haven’t yet is whether or not your child might perhaps have asperger’s syndrome.  You didn’t write enough for me to really get a strong feeling one way or the other, but if he is on the Autistic Spectrum, there are things that you can do to teach him to interact more effectively and perhaps one day get married, have children and hold steady jobs, etc.  I say this because social interaction/rules (bad hygeine), communication, irritability,  are all things that may be related to Autistic Spectrum Disorders (which I know about as I have Autism).  Just my 2 cents.  I hope it helps.

          • Blueeyesscc

            My two cents as well, I thought the same as I read the above post, that description sound like a description of an asperger’s teen. But I also an see where it may just be typical teen hormones and attitudes. I have a son on the autism spectrum, and deal with this type attitude on a daily basis (clothes, hygiene).

        • Gmkullak

          He can also have issues connected to food inake, preservatives, gluten intolerance that may be at the root of his mood slant. Many toxins in modern food can be directly linked to overall emotional and physical health problems. Check it out at a natural health resource professional.

        • Anonymous

          I thought the blog was saying that you should care about what people think? 

        • Shodgson77

          Hi There,
          Teacher/counselor here . . .first of all, good job on taking some action, doing something with your frustration. Yes, it could be asperberger’s, but I doubt it as it would have come out in school before now. Perhaps rebellion .   ….I went through something similar when my youngest was 15-20, and my mother was on the opposite side of the country dying from ovarian cancer. “Erin” ended up in a program at one of the local hospitals for adolescent addicts. Neither my ex-husband nor I felt she was an addict, but we knew she needed something and she found some help there. Still, at home, she continued to rebel. One night I had to have her picked up for incorrigibility. It nearly killed me, cried all night. She spent 2 weeks in a program 100 miles away . . . .slowly, very slowly she has been improving, but at 22, still has a long way to go. She was “pre” diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and reading about it has been helpful for her father and me. I think there is a book called Walking on Eggshells, and many others, too. You are not alone . …..
          Hope this helps a little

      • Wemmali

        I see ur point but at the same time, we should have some amount of care that we put into how everyone else sees us. Not be obsessive over our reputation but at least care enough to not just go around making a fool of ourselves just bc “we dont care what ppl think” it’s a fine line in my opinion.

    • Jorie

       The best advice I ever got on this issue was from my dad, who said, “If you listen to everyone, or you listen to no one, you’ll be in trouble.” I hope my girls don’t grow up to care what just ANYONE thinks – but care what the several people who are most important to them think. And I especially hope that the most important of those really important people is their own self.

      • Kate Conner

        I love this!

      • Greg

        “A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches”  Solomon.

      • Renae Douglas

         Personally, I care what GOD thinks. Beyond that…people of this world? Couldn’t care less. This is not my home…this is just the waiting room. Some day I will stand before the only ONE who can judge me, the only One whose opinion matters and I pray I hear “Well done, My good and faithful servant.”

        If the people of this world…this holding place…this waiting room…don’t like what I have to say or do? I do not care.

        • KevDog

          Great. So take no responsibility for Earth because you’ll be leaving. You’re like a bad tenant in a rental.

          • guest

             I don’t normally comment on blogs but I LOVE what you wrote.  Unfortunately tooo many people feel that way and do not take responsibility for anything!

          • Abbh

            You missed the point, and jumped to a wrong conclusion. Just because someone knows this isn’t their permanent home does NOT mean they don’t care about or take care of their present one. Such an erroneous and unfounded judgement call.

          • Chris

            Lol.  Really?  Obviously, if a person cares most about what God thinks, he will automatically be a good steward of the earth because God expects him to be.  So to say he won’t be taking responsibility for the earth is completely false and a very uneducated comment.

          • Mylifeasamom2003

            Remember… God created the earth and man was given responcibility to take care of it. I cant think of on Christian that has the opinion you expressed. Plus we dont know when we are leaving so it would be foolish to have that opinion.

        • Michael Back

          That is unfortunate, as we are commanded to love others as He loved us. You can’t “love them” and “not care” at the same time. Kate really is correct, your reputation matters. You know what He calls a “reputation”? Our witness. You know why Paul tracked down Timothy, built a relationship, and became a spiritual father to him? Because of Timothy’s reputation.

          BTW, the passage where it says, “Well done, My good and faithful servant” is a passage about how much those people CARED ABOUT and SERVED others.

          You are obsessed with “the world will hate us.” That is true, but we are NOT supposed to hate them back. It is only by loving them that we will ever really reach most of them.

          Your desire to love and serve others should be so deep and so self sacrificial that you would actually delay your trip home to reach one more person. THAT is real love, and that is what He demonstrated to us.

          No one is even remotely inclined to listen to someone who says, “I don’t care,” but they will be captivated by someone who says, “I deeply care.”

          Think about it.

        • oneofmany

          This is the problem with religions that have dieties…it makes people focus on a personified single imagined entity rather than all of the physically manifested aspects (ie, other beings). If God is everything, then it actually does matter how you treat others. How about making Heaven on earth instead of just killing time in the waiting room?

          • Kate Conner

            oneofmany:  Oh my goodness.  I am a Christian and I agree with YOU on this issue more than those who say “It only matters what God thinks about me.”  Thank you for sharing this so logically, concisely, and respectfully.  

            I enjoy discussing matters of faith, but I sort of feel like this particular blog post isn’t the place for it, so I’ll stop there.  Thanks for reading and sharing! 


            (By the way, brothers and sisters in Christ whom I love and am thankful for, there are literally dozens of instances in the Bible where Solomon, the prophets, the apostles, and Jesus himself say that your reputation, your name, your word – they matter.  

            I DID NOT say in my post that we are to be obsessive people-pleasers, or that we are to make our decisions based on what others may think of us.  It is okay to be misunderstood, disliked – even vilified.  But “reputation” is a collective impression of WHAT YOU ARE LIKE AS A PERSON.  And if an entire community of people (who don’t agree on much) all agree that you are an unkind person (therefore giving you a “reputation”)?  Well if all those people can agree on that – then you’re probably not being very nice.

            Think independently, don’t be a lemming, don’t become a slave to the opinions of others, but if you are going to call yourself a “Christian” (which means “little Christ” or “Christ follower”), then please represent him correctly.  Jesus’s heart is other people.  That’s the crux of the gospel and the mission he gave you.) 


            End discussion about Jesus.  Resume discussion about teenage girls and culture.  

            Thanks, management.

          • Starbrow

            Thank you for this article, Kate.  I was taught these principles as a young woman, but found it impossible to get a date with my “antiquated” ideals.  I gave up my ideals and gave in to many unscrupulous young men.  In other words, I lost myself.  Later on, I decided to return to my beliefs about myself being good and wholesome and started dating more moral men.  In May I will be celebrating my 32 wedding anniversary with such a man.

          • R&R

            Jesus’ greatest command was two-fold. Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind AND Love your neighbor as yourself. The expression of God’s Love was to be shown in how you interacted with others. Christians are supposed to understand that the kingdom of heaven is NOW – not as some unknown futuristic point. You are correct when you say the problem is with the RELIGION “having” the deity. “The deity” does not belong to us - we are His. Jesus interacted in relationship, not religion. He said He came NOT for the righteous (religious).

          • Shodgson77

            Hold on, I am a christian and don’t swallow Renae’s rhetoric, either. As for the rest of your post, quite well stated.

      • toey

         That is great advice, I was going to say that it matters most what you think of yourself. When ever my daughter asks me how something she has looks or what I thought of it, I first ask her what do you think of it? To draw her own conclusions about it then I would add my thoughts.  Like with her art work I add, ” I like how you used lots of color,or Wow! you seem to really like that color purple”, (not sarcastic) To build confidence in her own abilities. I am specific with my compliments, saying that’s great or awesome doesn’t really tell her anything. Does that make sense? 

        • Aimes

           Only relying on how you think of yourself can be dangerous, too. Personally, I think I’m fat and ugly. I don’t see how anyone could like or love me and I constantly crave others’ approval because of it. However, this is only feelings, and feelings are not everything. I KNOW that God created me and loves me. I KNOW that I am beautiful in His sight, and that people around me love me, and like me, and see me as beautiful. So I try not to dwell on how I think of myself. I agree that the most important thing to rely on is what God thinks of you. But how people think of you, in a sense, matters also. The Bible says so!! Reputation matters to an extent. I care what impression I make on people, because they know I am a Christ-follower, and my actions should reflect Him in my life. On the other hand, some people will only strive to bring me down with judgements, and I try not to pay any mind to what they may think of me. It’s all about balance. God is not a God of extremes. It’s not God or reputation. It’s a balance of both. God is most important, obviously. Only He knows the real me, the real you. Only He can judge in the end. So I strive to work toward God’s pleasure. But how I present myself to the world is VERY important.

      • Joysmit60

        Well said!

    • Naveed

      I think that to the most confident, strong and outspoken woman, the opinion of some people does matter, the opinion of those she herself respects. So we might rephrase this statement to say that ” I don’t care what some people think….”

    • TexSpence

      Then this blog post is not for her….but I dare say the majority of young women who may read this post do really care what others think – hence the post in the first place.  You can not grow yourself if you are holding on to what others think of you.

    • ACJones

      I heard (and adopted) the sentiment this way: better the approval of God than the applause of man.

      • Anonymous

        In regards to the first point:I would be hard pressed to believe that any hormonal teenage boys would not enjoy seeing a nice female body, unless they are gay. You are asking your daughter to write off boys, essentially. The rest, I agree with. (I also agree not to dress inappropriately, but I think you pass harsh and unrealistic judgements here….)

  • Mmawriter

    Lots of truth here, and some worthy positive messages to share with my daughters. As to Daisy’s points, those are well-taken and offer opportunities for more discussion. I will share this anywhere I can, and I’ll visit your blog again.

  • Ann Green

    # 8. I don’t care what people think about me. I live my life as God would want me to. If I cared what people think, I wouldn’t be the oddball that doesn’t fit in with the crowd. My life is all about helping others to grow in faith and become the best they can be. I pride myself in being able to repair things most women only dream about. When people look at me and say negative comments because I’m not your typical woman, it’s their problem, not mine. I am not in this world to live up to anyone’s expectations but my Lord’s. All of your other points are very well put. 

    • Kate Conner

       I love that you are an oddball who can repair all kinds of things, ha! :)   I absolutely love it when women have a strong enough sense of self to go against the grain – I think that is so IMPORTANT and I wish it happened MORE!

      When I wrote that women should care greatly about what other people think, I meant to refer to the way they carry themselves and their interactions with other people – mostly kindness.  Too often we call rudeness, gossip, and bullying “honesty.”  As in – “I just call it like I see it.”  Or, “I don’t care what you think about me, I’m just being HONEST.”  I want young women to know that being kind to someone you don’t like is not hypocrisy, it’s maturity.

      I hope that I have behaved myself in such a way that even if people disagree with EVERYTHING I do (this actually happens a lot, as I am a Christian and seek to live with Christ as the very center of my life), they still will not be able to say an ill word about me because I have lived with grace. 

      I hope that young women can develop a strong enough sense of self, a security in who they are as a person, become so convinced of their value and the things they have to offer the world – that they live CONFIDENTLY , thinking critically and independently.  And in THAT sense, that they wouldn’t care at all what other people think of them, they would just do what’s right. 

      Maybe that should be #11. :)   Thanks for reading!

  • Austin Walker

    This is gold.  Great post!  Thank you!

  • Stephanie Drummond

    I love this! This last line.  You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough  This will be my next tattoo. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what I wanted. I thought I wanted it to say       I am worthy I am enough     but this fits perfectly.  

    I was once that teenage girl who wanted boys to oogle over her and I did a lot of dumb things. And because of this my self worth just felt non-existant and its taken years and YEARS to get over it… rather to accept myself and the things that happened and the person I became. I’m finally at a better place in my life. I am finally strong enough to feel like I have worth. I wish that someone had told me these things instead of having a mother who was a drug addict that did not tell me I was being dumb at the age of 18 or 19. So as a way to remember on days when I feel like I am not enough I am going to get this on me as a reminder forever and always. 

    Thank  you for posting this! :)

    • Anonymous

      Remember Dear, that you are not responsible for your mother’s behavior.  You are a lovely lady!

  • Drew

    I would add Jeremiah 17:9 in reference to #5  Very true
    The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

    • Kate Conner

      Yes!  My thoughts exactly. :)

    • Camiar22

      Sorry – don’t agree. If we weren’t supposed to respond to our heart, why did God put it in us?

  • TODD

    Very well written. Kudos!

  • carowatkins

    love this! all of it. so full of truth. and I love the conversation it’s generated!

    I also wanted to give a side note to point #9… while pretending to be weak to get attention or subduing your opinions and passions to make people like you is not good…I want to encourage young women (and all women) that it IS ok to let a man help you :)  

    Let them hold the door, let them carry a heavy box for you, let them pay for dinner or walk you to your car…not all boys who are like this are trying to date you or manipulate you. There really are nice guys. 

    You can still be a strong, bold, passionate, and beautiful woman…and at the same time let the men in your life be men :) Don’t tear down others (men or women) in your actions to be ‘strong.’ We all need people. We need community. Needing community does not make you weak, it makes your strong because you recognize your need to support and be loved. 

    • Kate Conner

       Oh my – amen and AMEN! :)

    • Becka

      How about we treat helpful behavior as helpful behavior, instead of saying that it’s “nice guys” who are helpful and “nice girls” who are helped? A strong woman can lift her own boxes, accept help when necessary – and a strong man can lift his own boxes, and accept help when necessary, too.

    • KEM

       That’s completely true. As an older single woman one fault I realized about myself is that I had built up a wall around me that said “I don’t need a man. Anything you can do, I can do better.” Part of the way God created men was with a desire to help women, protect women, to be strong for them (physically and emotionally) and to lead. Now I happily chose to allow my husband to serve me in the ways that allow him to feel like he is fulfilling the roll God has for him. I never thought I’d be the girl that sat on the passenger side of the car or did carry my own weight, but now I chose to do so that my husband can act in a way that he desires to, helping me and protecting me. I also unfortunately know women who are still single, but don’t have a place for a man, and when a man comes near, they communicate both verbally and through their actions that they have zero need for him in their lives. I’m not saying a young woman should be helpless, but she must also recognize that a man who wants to lift things for her, open doors, carry her books, drive her around, and fix things (maybe all of which she could do herself) is showing her love. And the best way to receive it is just that, receive it.

      • Jeremy Hatt

        the concept my ex couldn’t / wouldn’t come to terms with.

    • Sarah Hunt

      YES. God made men to be hunters, to be protectors, and to be stronger than women. When we tell them NO, I CAN DO IT MYSELF, we make them feel like less than men – less than who God made them to be. (Anyone read Captivating or Wild at Heart?)

      • hsteach

        You ladies are taking her statement out of context.  She is not emasculating men.  She is telling women to not act dumb, weak, or helpless.  Trust me, I teach high school, and I see this everyday.  Girls are watching idiots on TV such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Snooki.  They are not watching the strong, intelligent, godly woman.  Yes, let the men be gentlemen, such as opening the door, paying for the date, and being respectful, but don’t FAKE STUPIDITY to get the guys to notice.

      • Ree

        Why should a teenage girl be worried about making men feel like less than men?  Why should that be any woman’s job?

    • Ree

      It is “okay.”  But it should not be forced on a woman, young or otherwise.  It’s not a woman’s job to “allow” a man to help her–a real man who know when a woman isn’t comfortable with his assistance, which can easily turn into paternalism.  If you really want to help, don’t pressure her.  An enormous amount of social evils start with women feeling pressured to be nice and accommodating to men, against their own wishes.

  • Abi Ellson

    Love it, and agree with Pilotswife, it is for all girls!

  • Zipop

    Awesome! I wrote a list very similar for my 3 daughters.

  • Missy

    I hope everyone on my Facebook friends list reads this article. Great stuff! Thank you!

  • Laura K

    The last thing really hit me hard.  Whenever I would be having a hard time about my self-image and I would talk to my mother, I finally said “I have never been enough.  I will never be enough.”  As soon as I said that, I realized that just because I felt that way right then didn’t make it a universal truth.  I still struggle with those feelings, but when I’m really in my element I see how far I’ve come and am immensely grateful for the wonderful life I have lead/the opportunities that have been given to me.

  • LaceysoccerMom

    Love this!! Can’t wait to read this to my 14 year old daughter! Thank you!

  • Guest

    This is FABULOUS!!!

  • Errant_flame

    Replying to #1; By starting to talk about breasts specifically I think the message can be a bit lost. It makes it sound like just covering up is the only thing you need to do. So, that skin tight jeans, that leave nothing to the imagination are fine. Not all boys are breast fetishists. Some drool over butts. What about a skin tight turtle neck shirt on a busty girl, versus the equivalent shirt on a less endowed girl? Is it okay for one and not the other? The busty girl IS covered, but she’s still showing off a lot because in order to hide those curves she pretty much has to wear a sack. There isn’t a clear line when it comes to clothing and what people should and shouldn’t wear.

    Then this takes me to another point. There are many parts of a woman that can be beautiful to someone, be it her hair, skin, face, body, etc. There is nothing wrong with looking at these parts, however the owner of those parts decides to display them.
    Otherwise women should all wear Ugz to keep those pesky foot fetishists from oogling their feet. I just don’t think it is fair to antagonize some poor top heavy girl of sending the wrong message for wearing a tank top when that is the shirt she wants to wear.

    • Kate Conner

      Oh man, you are so right!  I mentioned breasts specifically because it’s the easiest thing to talk about, but I mean for them to represent all things modest/immodest.   I totally feel the top-heavy girls, they are my sisters in trying on a thousand shirts, dresses and bathing suits to find ONE that fits.  

      My message to young women in regard to their clothing is this:  draw attention to what you want other people to know about you.  If you want to be known for your breasts (butt, legs, midriff, whatever), that’s fine, but you’ll attract exactly who you bait.  Men will be attracted to women no matter HOW they dress, that’ nature, but your clothing is a walking advertisement for yourself.  It communicates what you value, what you want other people to notice, what you think is important about yourself.  

      If you want to be known for your humor, your kindness, your eyes, your hair, your thoughts on social issues, your athleticism – if you want a man (or any person) to recognize THOSE things about you, then you must put those things on display.  Your body is beautiful, but you are more than a body, and should be known and respected for such.  Don’t make it so  easy for people to ignore the rest of you. 

      I love the thoughtful conversation this has started – thanks for reading and commenting! :)

      • Errant_flame

        I think how you put it in that second paragraph is just about perfect.

    • Guest

      I completely agree — and the thing that bothers me is that we assume women don’t struggle with lust. We have all these hoops women have to jump through to be modest, but men can be just as tempting and no one speaks of it! It’s not just men who have sexual urges — why else to girls dress to attract them? Before a man judges a woman for being immodest,  he needs to also consider what he’s wearing. Maybe he’s tempting someone. A lot of girls are attracted to backs, chests, shoulders, rears, etc. We all know that guy who only gets attention because he’s “hot”. 

  • Lpgiering

    I’m 47, and I need to remember that last part…

  • Tom Roepke

    great post.  grateful for the list…beautiful-valuable-enough!  pushed your post out to our small group leaders…even took to a local high school this morning to talk about with some young men in an at-risk empowerment group.  good stuff!

    • Kate Conner

       Wow, thanks!

  • Doris Lee Widder

    Great message..shared. I don’t completely agree with #5 or #8…those 2 depend on how it’s meant and the individual’s perspective, IMO, but couldn’t agree more with the other 8…especially #10. Thank you!

  • tribble

    I have lived by all of this advice you give. I am 40. I am alone.

    • Kate Conner

      I’m not going to say anything well-intended that comes across corny or patronizing like “don’t settle” or “everything happens for a reason.”  But I DO want to THANK YOU for living as a woman with sense and courage and inner strength.  I love meeting women like you.  

      • tribble

        I think you missed my point.

  • Amishrakefight82

    lol @ #6, emotions are why you are a lower class

  • Books4learning

    Thank you for this post!  It is wonderful!  

  • Adam

    Hey Kate, I am trying to contact you about a possible collaboration, but contacting you through the contact form isn’t working…  Do you have an email address I can contact you at?

    • Kate Conner

      Hi Adam, I just sent you an email to the address you listed with your comment.  Sorry the form is down!

  • Gregthompson143

    Great summary of whatwhat qualities good men look for in women – and what society should look for as well. I have a 4 year old daughter, and plan on printing this and saving it to share with her when she gets older. Thank you – I couldn’t have summed this up any better.

  • 913159674

    So true

  • Greg

    As a Student Pastor (who received this link from another Student Pastor) I would like to say thanks for this great post!  As a guy, I’d like to agree w/ carowatkins’s comments on point #9.  Guys like to take care of their gals once in awhile!

  • Paulpopper

    Great advice!  Thanks

  • biomouse

    Telling girls that the clothes they wear is what causes boys to look is disgusting and misogyny that is home grown to the core. Your judgements are crass and no better than the “girls” you purport to be “teaching” with this post. Less judgement from other women will help girls to thrive, not more of the same bullshit they get in high school in adult form. Gross.

    • Kate Conner

      So sorry you were offended!  I never want to imply that what women wear is what causes men to look – (in fact down here in the comments this is discussed quite a bit) men will look no matter what women wear, that’s nature!  Women’s bodies are BEAUTIFUL, and I CERTAINLY don’t advocate women living in sweatpants, turtlenecks or burkas.

      The only thing I want to communicate to young ladies with that first point is this:  don’t be surprised.  Whether it’s fair or not, whether it’s right or not, there is a cause and effect thing going on with clothing.  

      Women obviously have the choice to wear whatever makes them feel beautiful, but I want to challenge teenage girls to consider what makes them feel beautiful, really.  Leering eyes?  Men who want to look & touch without valuing the whole person behind that body?  If so, fair enough.  

      But I’ve found that the vast majority of the time, someone thinking you’re awesome makes you feel beautiful.   The compliments that last  (that stick in our brains and we enjoy remembering) are the ones like, “I love the way you think,” or “You are one of the funniest people I know.”  I want girls to advertise the parts of them that they want advertised, to draw attention to what they want other people to know about them.  If you want to be known for your humor, your kindness, your eyes, your hair, your thoughts on social issues, your athleticism – if you want a man (or any person) to recognize THOSE things about you, then you must put those things on display.  Your body is beautiful, but you are more than a body, and should be known and respected for such.  Don’t make it so  easy for people to ignore the rest of you. 

      Anyway, if you still hate it, I’m okay with that.  But I never want anyone to think that I look at other people with shame or judgment.  No judgement from me on any of these issues, ever.  (I mention that briefly here:

      Thanks for reading!

      • Lisa C

        I think your post was on point, and as a Southern woman, we grew up with very different values and standards than many of today’s teenagers. My 9-year old already likes skinny jeans and while I allow her to express her sense of style, I remind her that she does not need to wear skinny jeans to look skinny; she is already petite and beautiful even in sweats. When offering advice to others, you always set yourself up for mis-interpretation or people who disagree with your views. I remember hearing my mother say to sit and keep my knees together as though I was holding a nickel between them; or she would tell me that men will stay interested longer if you leave more to their imagination–”there’s no fun in getting a Christmas present if it’s already unwrapped.” nonetheless, kudos to you and your article. I am trying to instill some of the same principles and values in my own daughter. Your article will hit home and inspire many teenage girls so I hope the negative comments don’t dissuade you from continuing to help others.

      • Sarah Hunt

        “If you want to be known for your humor, your kindness, your eyes, your hair, your thoughts on social issues, your athleticism – if you want a man (or any person) to recognize THOSE things about you, then you must put those things on display.”
        YES! This is the answer to everyone who has a problem with your #1. Love it.

    • Jschettler

      I have 3 boys & yes what girls wear does make them look ~ God made them this way ~ nice guys appreciate a girl who knows which parts of their body should be covered up!
      She is exactly right in her post ~ I am a female and I don’t want to see your boobs!!

      • Mina Sanayei Wirth

        Might I add that someone should tell boys not to dress with their underwear sticking out of their pants. Girls can’t help but look. God made them this way. Boys, cover up if you want to keep a good reputation.

    • carolyn sain

      The point Kate was making is that while, yes, teen boys will look regardless, they are more prone to look at girls who are showing off their goods. She never said those girls are sluts or hos. She is not casting judgement. 
      You (hopefully) cannot honestly tell me you would be happier with a guy who checks out other women constantly and blatantly, versus a guy who (as hard as it may be) attempts to give you his full attention when you are out. 

      You seem as though you may be a tad bitter due to judgement you have received from other women. Might I point out that you just totally judged her because of the advice she gave, after having been judged herself? Helloooooo, propagation!

    • Gt2lvit

      These aren’t judgments, it is only the facts of life.  People either notice you because you appear classy or trashy. The chocolate comparison was a good one. It is so sad that our girls get trashy advertising thrown in their faces with messages being sent to them that dressing trashy is deemed respectful. But respectful to who? The people making the money, Hollywood, etc.  These people don’t even live in the real world. They live in their own fantasies and the fantasies of others.  May I also say, that the way a woman, or man, talks shows respect and admiration as well. When we can’t find words to use that sound more educated than the 4-letter ones, one sounds “crass” (as you put it) and trashy also. These words sounds like they were pulled from the gutter. It’s amazing to me that people think they sound so tough and smart when they use them, when in reality they sound like they don’t have enough education to pull words from the English dictionary that would have been more heard. Just saying, if you want to be heard, then come across as more professional and educated. No one is trying to judge here, they only want girls to behave in a way that will actually empower them as women. If this is all you have gotten from any of these comments, maybe you should take a real hard look in the mirror as to what your are really thinking about yourself. When one is behaving as they should, they don’t usually find it necessary to get so defensive about issues such as these, and don’t do it with so much hostility. Boys are going to look no matter what if they want to, I realize that. However, I don’t want to see their penis hanging out anymore than we should let our breasts hang out. What it narrows down to is that God gave us certain body parts to be kept sacred and should be for the eyes of our spouse only, not for the whole world to see. I know that I respect myself enough to keep myself for my spouse only, and only wish that every young woman could be taught this. Not all girls have this opportunity though unfortunately, so we definitely shouldn’t judge them. You should just count your blessings if you had those that loved you that were able to teach you wisdom in modest appearance and how it affects the way others think of you and respect and honor you. Biomouse, your response has some good thought to it, just sounds a bit angry and not so well put. And to all girls out there, keep your breasts tucked in and find some new respect for yourself. Don’t do it to stop men from looking (which is a good thing), but to realize that an attractive brain will find you a much better man that will respect you and honor you for all the right assets. 

    • Monicaphillips1998

      Biomouse, you said, “Less judgement from other women will help girls to thrive..” Aren’t you judging Kate by telling her that her statements are “crass”? In your anger, you are extolling the same exact thing on Kate that you have purported on her. Kate’s statements have not been in any way crass. Here is the Websters definition of the word crass – Having or indicating such grossness of mind as precludes delicacy and discrimination. Has she been less than delicate in any statements or shown no discrimination in her words (i.e. used profane language or name calling)? The answer to that is no. Have you? The answer is yes. Take a look at what you wrote. Is your comment meant to help Kate “thrive” as you say? Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it. But if you want people to sit up and take notice of your opinion, name calling and using profane language will usually get you dismissed. And that’s a “judgment” I’m going to stick to.

      • Emily Hurst


  • Sambeltran14

    Not just teenage girls… Even some grown women need to read this… Very true

  • Rebeca

    I enjoyed the post, I think that it is very direct. Sometimes girls need a swift kick in the rear to snap US out of the ridiculous. Also, by reading the comments I see there’s a lot of religious references, makes me roll my eyes but ok!  The key to love and respect should have nothing to do with what the almighty authority figure wants from you. Helloooo, it should come down to what YOU want from you. Otherwise you are just being “good” because you think you are being monitored by big-brother. Teenagers hate that btw, and FYI,  ;)

  • Lissa3low

    Hi! I appreciate a lot of your post, but I had one quick note for #6 – I think this encourages some really unfair gender stereotyping and enforces the idea that women are inherently emotional and men are inherently rational. I’ve met several men who are primarily emotional and who have struggled with feeling less-then because of the stereotype constantly demonstrated in media (and often in Christian circles) which say they need to be less emotional and more manly! Not to mention the several women I’ve met who aren’t primarily emotional. I think the advice could be just as meaningful if it said something more like, “Don’t let anyone make you feel inferior by telling you you’re being “too emotional” in a situation.” 

    • Kate Conner

      Yep, excellent clarification!  :)  Emotion is present, good, and necessary in men and women alike.  

      It drives me crazy when people (both genders) chock up a women’s thoughts or feelings to hyper-emotionalism just because she’s a woman.  That’s sort of what I was getting at here.  Don’t allow someone to dismiss or invalidate you in any way under the pretense of “emotion.”  

      But yeah – men are totally emotional beings (because they are HUMAN, duh), and women are rational and logical (because we have brains, duh again).  Thanks for reading and commenting!

  • Ross

    Wow!  Kate.  Numbers 5, 6, 9, and 10 are too rarely mentioned.   Number 5: Love God with your mind, not just your affections!  Number 6:  Truth and Reason  - truth sets you free and God said, “come now let us reason together” and “always be ready to give a reason for the hope you have.”  Number 9:  You gave a good description of  the ideal woman in Proverbs 31, not a bimbo or smart woman acting “bimbo.”  Number 10:  Beauty is NOT in the eye of the beholder!   Purpose lived, innate value as God’s image bearer, being truly loved, and one who offers her “thoughts” is the basis of true beauty!  I am sending this to my network of female Fellows!

  • Jmasonne

    I just ran across this on Facebook and with your permission I really need to share this with the girls AND guys in our youth group.  I constantly try to tell all girls I meet that feel inadequate in some aspect that they are just right for them.  Thank you for saying all of this so succinctly.

    • Kate Conner

      Of course!  Share, share, share!  Advice, wisdom and thoughts are never for hoarding. :)

  • Shelbyheartsnerds

    My goodness, what a lovely statement of truth. I am a freshman in college who knows all these things in my head, but sometimes it takes a bit (and sometimes a LOT) of prodding to get my heart to believe it too.  It is inspiring that you would choose to say these things aloud. That is has touched one girl, I can assure you, and I would easily venture to say that it has affected many more. Even beyond those who have responded. Thank you. God bless you (more than He already has.)


    So glad I found your blog.  :-)   These are so, so, so good.

  • MakeThisLookAwesome

    4, 5, & 6 are awesome :^D

  • Tauri

    Every girl, woman, mom, leader, pastor should read this! One of the best ways to make a change in our world is to teach our ladies how to value themselves and our fellas how to properly see ladies!

  • Guest.

    #9 = Getting what I want no-strings attached from guys who are dumb enough to think that as a woman I can can’t do it on my own.

    • Kate Conner

      True, short-term benefits for sure!  

      But I think long-term damage as it perpetuates an unfair stereotype about women that is reflected in professional and relational arenas.  All the pros and cons considered (on both sides), I’d rather have someone know I can do something than think I can’t.  

      Plus, I’m definitely not a fan of manipulating men.  As a general rule, if I want something done for me, I ask!  (Something my husband knows ALL TOO well.  I’m definitely not afraid to ask for even superfluous little indulgences! :) )

  • Karen

    This. Especially #5 & #9. Thank you!

  • Lvr557

    This is AWEsome! Our young ladies CAN be confident, competent & courageous!
    Very attractive attributes.

  • Robinprivitt

    Teenage pregency is not cool, so dont post your pregnate belly on facebook.

  • Pingback: 10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self « Its Only Erica

  • susan


  • Gracysgrammy

    You are a beautiful, wonderous, perfectly adored child of the living God who created you!

  • Nblin

    while I see the “good place” this comes from I disagree with the message comes across. . . .
    1. If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys.
    2. Don’t go to the tanning bed.
    ~while I agree neither is the best choice for several reasons, you should do what makes You feel good about You.

    3. When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we know exactly who you’re talking about.
    4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama”
    ~half the things we say aren’t nice, wether on Fb or gossiping.

    5. “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever.
    ~this I feel is just wrong, your heart is the ONLY thing/person who will never lie to you.

    6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being. 
    7. Smoking is not cool.
    ~the only statements here that I feel are with out opinion. although you should not allow ANYONE make you feel inferior.

    8. Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.”
    ~completly disagree!! it is human nature to judge, and the last statement reads “you are enough”, if you truly bellieve that then what other people think does NOT matter.

    9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention.

    10. You are beautiful. You are enough.
    ~this statement  should be enough.

  • Becka

    I really dislike the first item on this list. Good point that not all attention is equal, but the problem is not that girls wear shirts that show their breasts, but that our society has decided that when someone shows their breasts that it’s okay to treat them with disrespect: that they are “asking for it.” Clothing is never an invitation to harassment or negative treatment.

    • Kate Conner

      Becka, you are EXACTLY RIGHT in that clothing is NEVER a reason/excuse/invitation to harassment or negative treatment.  Ever, ever.  

      That’s not at all what I am trying to communicate (seriously, can’t make that point clear enough).  How much a man leers (and harasses – to speak to your concern) depends very largely on his self-discipline, habits, values, and the degree to which he respects women.  

      I DO want to invite young ladies to common sense: basic math and nature.  Men like boobs and other various girl body parts. They will look, period. I think that too often men (even respectful, kind, stand-up guys) get classified as pigs because they “look” or “enjoy,”  neither of which are bad things AS LONG as they happen within an appropriate context.  I think the “I’ll wear whatever I want to wear and if it makes you want to undress me in your mind, then you’re a perv” is completely unfair.  

      All that I was REALLY getting at was this:  If you are constantly frustrated by the specific types of men you attract and the frequency with which they seem to be disrespectful – take a minute to think about what kind of “bait” you’re putting out there.  What are you highlighting about yourself?  Are you baiting smart men?  Or horny men?  Are you carrying yourself in a way that would attract a fun, down-to-earth guy?  Or are you carrying yourself in such a way that men who belittle women into nothing more than eye-candy flock to you because of all the eye-candy you’re passing out?  

      Thanks for clarifying, and sticking up for women – harassment is never okay, no matter what.

      • Becka

        I understand where you are coming from. It makes sense. The problem is that is doesn’t actually MATTER what a young woman wears…covering one’s breasts, dressing “modestly,” is absolutely no protection against harassment. Putting the onus on young women – saying that they are putting the “bait” out there – is unfair. I see this all the time with my college-aged students. The young women come to class in bulky sweaters and are covered from neck to ankle – and STILL the young men in the class talk to the suggestion of the young women’s curves. The young men – upstanding, good students, well bred young men – still undress their classmates with their eyes and refuse to see past their gender to the person underneath.

        Has this never happened to you? – that you find yourself being ogled simply because you’re a woman, regardless of what you are wearing or how you present yourself? If not, you are very fortunate. Please don’t reinforce the message that young women are the only ones responsible for the behavior of young men or that they are “asking” to be treated poorly because of their clothing choices.

        • Kate Conner

          It’s totally happened to me!  And my reactions go something like this:  look down to see what I’m wearing.  Realize it’s within reason. Figure it’s not on me because I didn’t go out of my way to invite the attention. Try really hard not the classify the guy as pervy.  Sometimes when I’m gracious and at my best I succeed in not passing that judgement – sometimes I don’t.  

          Again, I never want to say that women are the “only” ones responsible – this is never true!  I just want to call attention to the REALITY (fair or unfair, right or wrong, as infuriating as it may be at times) that girls have SOME DEGREE of control over CERTAIN MEN.  Allow me to explain that last sentence:  I believe that there are men out there who do not try to mentally undress every woman they see.  (I believe this because I know some.)  I believe they often succeed in controlling their thoughts, and that often they don’t.  I believe that BECAUSE this is the case (men will look no matter what – safe to say we agree on that :) ) I choose not to dress in a way that would push men who are TRYING to be respectful over the edge.

          Some men don’t try.  Some men will leer, lust, drool, and degrade even if a woman is dressed in baggy sweats.  I’ve been the subject of that and I hate it.  I have absolutely no control over their behaviors, thoughts or conversations – that’s on them.  (I feel like these are the cases you’re mostly talking about?)  And *all* men will leer *sometimes*.  

          But I maintain that some men are trying hard not to loose themselves to their impulses, and I don’t want MY dress to be the thing that causes them to lose that battle.  I can’t control what men think, but I can absolutely control what I put out there.  

          Dressing wisely doesn’t make young women invisible to men, and it doesn’t guarantee that ladies won’t get ogled at.  But it CAN reduce the sheer frequency, by not being the straw that breaks the camel’s back of their resolve.  

          • emmy

            I would like to comment on this thread.  I am a high school teacher at a coed school where we constantly fight girls about yoga pants and jeans that are so tight I can see every curve of the lower half of their bodies (and that’s way more curves than I want to know about).  We struggle with this because women should be able to wear what they want and not have unwanted attention in a perfect world.  But that’s just not what happens.  And it actually is distracting to the boys around them.
            What you said above is so true:”I just want to call attention to the REALITY (fair or unfair, right or wrong, as infuriating as it may be at times) that girls have SOME DEGREE of control over CERTAIN MEN. ”

            There is the hypothetical, just world and then there is the real world.  I should be able to leave my keys in my unlocked car and come back to still find it there because stealing is wrong, inconsiderate, unjust  and against the law, but the reality is I will most likely not find my vehicle when I return because there are a few people who do not respect me or my property.  So, I lock my car doors just like I wish teenage girls would wear some looser/longer/higher/less stretchy/not so sheer clothes.

            No woman deserves to be harassed or ogled, but teenage boys in the midst of puberty are going to find it really difficult to look away when a girl in yoga pants or a short skirt is bent over putting books in her backpack.  Honestly, their lack of knowledge of the female body probably provides more curiosity than disrespect.  And I can understand the reasoning that goes through some of their minds that if she is willing to show that to everyone in a public forum, what would she be willing to do in private?  This does not give disrespectful, idiotic teenage boys a pass to make comments, leer, or force themselves on girls.  But I hope my daughter is intelligent enough when she grows up to remove herself from the paths of those idiots by not dressing in an overly revealing manner.  Because idiotic boys grow up into idiotic men and that is the reality of our world.

          • Jennifer @PersimmonPulp

             I also teach at a co-ed school (k-12) and I, for one, am thankful for our dress code – the tops of shirts have to be within a hand-width of your neck – that’s 4 fingers & a thumb. Is it hard to do? Yes! Especially if you are… more endowed. BUT – and I can say this as a female teacher – there are things that are distracting to see no matter WHO you are. It makes me want to go pull their shirt up because if it’s distracting me, what is it doing to those bundles of young hormones known as teenage boys?

            Athletic pants are not allowed – period. No sweats, no yoga pants, no exercise or basketball shorts. The material is so thin that you can see everything that is (or isn’t) under them. And for a teenage boy, noticing that his girlfriend is wearing a thong under her yoga pants WILL be a distraction.

            Skirts have to be within 2 fingers of the top of the knee – again, not easy to find in stores these days, but you don’t have to worry so much if you bend over to pick something up. (Yes, some guys will still try to look).

            Am I saying that it’s a girl’s fault that guys look? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am saying, however, that girls need to help the guys out a little bit by NOT dressing in such a manner that they are advertising everything to everyone.

            On the flip side – guys, if the skinny jeans are so tight that (as one student put it to a fellow student recently) “Dude, those jeans are so tight I can see your _____” – well, let’s just say that perhaps you shouldn’t wear them. It goes both ways here.

            Oh, and if they are so loose that they are falling off & we can see your boxers? That’s not cool either. We shouldn’t get a full in-your-face-look at your underpants. Seriously. Just wear jeans/pants that fit correctly.

            “Dress For Success” is a motto that’s been thrown out there for a few decades now, and it is still as valid as it ever was. How you dress & how you carry yourself will greatly affect how people view you and whether they take you seriously or not. Modest dress will only help you in the long run.

            And yes, you can be modest & still be very attractive. Leaving a little to the imagination is more enticing than displaying it all out there all the time.

          • April

            I like that you mention male modesty as well. For me, it’s VERY distracting when I can see the outline of male gentalia in skinny jeans, sweats, shorts, etc. Trust me guys, the girls and women are often plenty aware of  what you’re wearing too!

          • Steven Paul Bell

            I’ve heard regarding thoughts and purity:  you are not responsible for every bird that flies overhead or lands on your branches, but you are responsible to not allow them to build a nest in your tree.  It is as silly to suggest it doesn’t matter how a woman dresses as to suggest to cover up a woman with a burka (literal or mental) is a way to deal with a man’s thought-life. Really?  Moderation may be a lost art.

        • Stephanie

           While I agree with certain points. The way you dress portrays something about who you are and what you want out of life. If it didn’t matter at all then people could wear whatever they wanted to job interviews ect… So the way you dress does matter, being modest does matter.
          My husband and  I have talked about this multiple times, as we have walked around the malls, or just been out and about. He always says how much easier it is to respect a woman or girl who respects herself! If you have enough respect for yourself to dress modestly and not try to attract attention based on “how good you look” then people will respect you back.
          So I guess what I am saying is that it does matter what your wear, yes some people will still go to far, some people have minds that they are not controlling in an appropriate manner. I choose to believe there are way more men who do not do those things.
          Dressing modestly doesn’t mean that you need to wander around in a brown grocery bag either, it is possible to be very attractive yet dressed in a manner that says I am a person who deserves love and respect. Dressing modestly should not be seen in a negative light.

          • Amanda Huffer


        • Rdunklin1326

          She is not holding girls responsible. She is simply saying,”Don’t encourage them”. A girl who dresses conservatively may still be “undressed in a man’s mind”, but one who dresses provocatively is more likely to have this happen. Kate is just telling girls that, if they do dress provocatively and guys respond in a disrespectful way, they can take steps to avoid it by not putting out there. Alot of girls have a tendency to be impatient, so they throw on some “sexy” clothes to get a guy to notice her. NOT ALL GIRLS, but many. Some girls dress that way, not because they are trying to attract guys, but because THEY like the way they look. I think Kate is talking about the girls who dress that way PURELY with the intention of getting a guy’s attention. She is telling THESE girls that, if they don’t want to attract jerks who like them ONLY for their appearance, and who will later disrespect them by oogling or blowing them off for someone who is new or looks better, they should try attracting a guy with the characteristics they want them to appreciate. If a guy is attracted to you because you are smart, witty or caring, regardless of how you look, they will be more likely to continue to appreciate those things about you.(Not to mention, they probably have their priorities in a little better order, therefore leading to a more successful relationship. AND you will probably enjoy being with him ALOT more since he isn’t a dumb, superficial guy without a brain.;)

          • Cory Albrecht

            You can’t say “She is not holding girls responsible” and then turn around and say  “…but one who dresses provocatively is more likely to have this happen…”

            It’s just as bad as saying “Some of my friends are gay, but…”. It’s just another rephrase of “It’s your fault you were raped, just look what you were wearing!”

            Next we might as well start slut-shaming teenage girls and young women instead of letting them decide for themselves when and how often having sex is appropriate for them.

      • Chris

        “I think the “I’ll wear whatever I want to wear and if it makes you want to undress me in your mind, then you’re a perv” is completely unfair.”

        Could not have been said better.  As a man, I absolutely agree.  I consider myself  honorable, and I pride myself on how I treat women, but that does not mean my eyes are not drawn to the types of dress discussed here.   I am a man.  It is built in from the creator. 

        As Kate says here, certainly there is no excuse for poor manners, but that is not the point.  The point is this; if you are a fisherman, you bait your hook for what you want to catch.  If you’re a lady, and you’re catching men with your body, you will end up with a man who is interested only in your body. 

        The fact that you have a nice body won’t be overlooked, don’t worry.  You just don’t need to advertise it for all men to see.  Save it for the man you marry and then blow his mind with it.  That’s the creator’s design.

        • Kate Conner

          Blow his mind with it – hahaha!  Yes, His design is good. :)

        • AnnieCat

          Girls need to realize that they will find their someone soon enough. A wonderful someone. They don’t need to bait the men…the men will come looking. So be yourself and keep your standards. You’ll catch the right one that way.

        • Bill Vriesema

          Thanks Chris. As a 50+ year old male working in a college setting, this issue is a daily struggle. One slant on this I want to add is how uncomfortable it can be talking with a woman showing a lot of cleavage or tight clothing. I do not want to objectify women. I do not want to be seen as inappropriate or a pervert. I do not want to be judgmental. I do not look up and down a woman and let my mind wander. Also, I am not blind and certainly notice how a woman dresses.
          But when I am conversing with a woman with a lot of visible cleavage or very tight clothing, I feel extremely awkward and cannot wait to end the conversation. The last think I want to do is to make a woman uncomfortable in my presence and feel disrespected. All I ask is to have the same respect in return. Please clothe your self modestly. I am in charge of a customer service department. And I also do not want men (and women) to feel uncomfortable when conversing with my staff–or with members of with my staff conversing with each other. So I need to think beyond just my own response to this issue. I’ve had complaints brought to my attention to deal with.

          Thanks, Kate, for starting this discussion!

      • Naveed

        I think the “I’ll wear whatever I want to wear and if it makes you want to undress me in your mind, then you’re a perv” is completely unfair. 
        You are absolutely right. While the revealing dress of a woman is not an excuse for the bad behavior of a man, we have to admit that men are from Mars and women are from Venus; they are different emotionally, men being the weaker sex get turned on way more easily than women by bared bodies. Look at the academy awards night. Every woman seems to be trying to dress as scantily as possible and every man dresses up to cover as much part of his body as possible. 
        So the message  to the teenagers is by dressing up in revealing clothes you are testing the men to see who is strong enough emotionally to keep his harmones in check and who are the weak ones who cannot control themselves. Why do you need to make them go thru this emotional test?

      • Michelle Walker

        Great post and I agree with most of the points you made. However, the one  where you say not to trust your heart….if that were the case, my teenage mother would not have married my father and would have stayed his brother, a piece of garbage who turned out to be a drug abuser, adulterer, prostitute-loving pig. My parents have been married for 41 years, if she hadn’t trusted her heart, I never would have been born. 

        • Kate Conner

          I shared this way down on the comments, but thought I’d include it here too, since “following your heart” can be interpreted in so many different ways!  

          When I wrote that young girls should not “follow their hearts,” I mean it in this way:  Intuition is valuable and not to be ignored – in that sense “going with your gut” isn’t all bad. But so often teenage girls specifically get all caught up in “just do what feels right; follow your heart; it won’t lead you astray.”  I believe that our hearts  (by this I mean our impulses and gut reactions) are naturally pretty selfish.  I believe that there are good, kind, giving, self-sacrificing people out there, but that they have learned to care about things bigger than themselves.  They have vision and passion.  And THAT, is always worth following! I think that everybody should follow the things that move them.  We should pursue our passions and allow ourselves to be inspired.  I just don’t call that “my heart” because I know myself too well.  My heart fails me all the time; it tries to get me to take the easy way out if things get too hard or uncomfortable.  I’ve lived long enough to see that the things I once wanted SO MUCH would have been terrible for me – that I don’t really know what’s best for me after all.  So I don’t trust this little heart of mine that tells me what I want, because it’s wrong too much. But passion and vision and inspiration are bigger than myself, they come from OUTSIDE myself instead of inside, and please, young women – follow those!!!

          • Bilzygirl

            I so understand all of what you are saying!! Thank you for clarifying things up for me, I will keep your words with me until my heart stops hurting over loving someone who was very WRONG in so many ways…thanks for keeping me focused…BTW I’m 40 and still need advice!

          • Michelle Walker

            Thanks for clarifying and yes I do agree when you put it that way :)

        • German Shepherd

          It was most likely not her heart she was following but some good common sense and deep search for the truth that led her to make such a decision.

  • Tulsacolston

    This is beautiful! I am sharing with my 46 yr old sister! ;)

  • Jslewis1971

    I want to share this with all my beautiful granddaughters and any other young woman I know.  Beautiful, poignant and so true.

  • Gayleofva

    The only person whose opinion matters is God’s.  Would he approve?  

    • Arica Hord Jones

       I’d like to think my opinion on myself matters.  To a certain degree also my family.  There’s a certain comfort that the all-being living force of the world us made us, and loves us certainly.  A thing to remember also is that our actions have consequences and that those consequences build perception as to who we are as people. 

      I am not disagreeing with you, but there’s a certain responsibility on our part as well.  Not suggesting that you are saying there isn’t, but I see so many people wait for a higher power to do all the work and in the process give that being very little to work with.

  • Tammy Isbell

    I LOVE this and shared it on Facebook, with several of my friends sharing it also.  I have a 10 year old daughter and we talk about a few of these things now.  In this wo

    One of my biggest peeves about teenage girls I’m friends with on facebook is pictures of them in their teeny tiny bikini’s! It.Is.NOT.Appropriate.Ever.

  • EJD

    I thought this was a good list, one I will save for my pre-school daughter when she is older.  The comments below have been fascinating to read.  I think it is a bit of a rorshach test as to how certain words come across to people.  “Reputation” is earned within a community and yes, it matters.  I may be reading this more as a Southernor in our Classic Tradition Reputation was/is everything.  You earn the reputation for such things as honesty, integrity, compassion-or you earn one for dishonesty, greed, and self-centeredness.  Your reputation will open doors or close doors in your community.  While some things may not matter to the random stranger, it does matter in your community.  “Follow your heart” means a lot of different things.  Here I took it to mean not thinking of consequences, abdicating responsibility, and not using logic/sound reasoning to guide your decisions.  We have all seen tragic consequences of girls and boys who abandoned sound judgement and had to live with the results.

  • Tracey Laing Coston

    Love this…thank you for speaking those things we should all be speaking to young women!

  • Sandritaa8

    Beautiful post

  • Cmele

    I would like to say I agree with most of this but the section on “batting your eyelashes”, no. I was raised as a strong girl by a father who treated me like a boy. I have confidence oozing but I also do everything myself and because I can the man I married lets me without offering a hand. I have become completely capable of being alone in my work. Believe me, letting someone know you are a woman is no shameful thing and will save your back in the end.

  • small town

    well said!!

  • Melanie

    I think this advice could apply to ALL females, regardless of age.

  • Djonesfullcirclemp

    Number one…all boys..and men like to look at breasts..even the gay ones…it’s dna and it’s by design – however on point – ogling and staring are plain improper and it has no honor in it – I’ve taught my son (who has 3 sisters btw) that to have the desire to look and beyond is completely natural, and quite frankly, part of it – HOWEVER the girl who is showing her breasts to not only him, but all the other boys is not fit – at least at this time in her life – to be as honorable a woman as he is a man.  Show her honor anyway…find something else to look at or go somewhere else…chances are…if she does it now…she’ll do it later. Find a girl who will honor you just like you honor her.  If you are undisciplined enough to learn how to do this – you really will never be satisfied…the law of diminishing returns takes over..
    and for “don’t care what anyone thinks”…  Not too sure about that one…despite my daughters (plural) efforts to be wonderful ladies – there are still folks that will think of them in less than pleasant ways…I tell my girls that they are wonderful and beautiful and smart…and encourage them in all the ways to be such…and the arguments between friends not included – who cares what others think…Unless you are being offensive – and that’s entirely different.  I want them to know what their Father, and this earthy father and mother think of them – Aside from those opinions there really are few that matter when it comes down to it.

  • Elena Putina

    I wish all the teenage girls out there could read this – they’d make less mistakes they’d regret later. thanks!

  • Steve Spangler

    When a pretty girl has a cigarette, all I see is an ashtray.
    the person who accepts money to deface the work of art that is a young girls body needs taken out back and thrashed.  All these tats that you think are cool now will look really ridiculous in less than 5 years. 

  • Flugelinski

    Beautiful.  I especially agree with #1, and would like to add: if you expose your cleavage, men will look at it.  If that bothers you, don’t get mad – get a wrap!

  • Luckcyharmedone

    Great advise to teens, well done!

  • Karley Freeman

    This rlly help me a lot I used to think all those thing except for the boob stuff but thnx for the advice :)

  • Cord Mason

    Okay, there is no such thing as a guy who doesn’t want to poke at least half the women he sees.  The other half being above or below child bearing age, or just too disgusting.  Biology is biology.  A males advantage is in massive breeding.  It is not optional.  Quit pretending you believe some a-hole who pretends he noticed your mind first.  You know he’s lying.  He knows he’s lying.  He may come to admire your mind, but only after he isn’t preoccupied with wanting to give you a poke. #2, Don’t hate a man because he’s not all about his “feelings”.   Men are about aggression, dominance, and the urge to breed.  Just look at any primate and tell me you see something different.  #3 A man accepts female authority, when it’s female authority, not imitation male authority.  Be a woman first.  Women who succeed in the workplace are feminine, not emasculating Dykes. I can take orders from women and willingly so, unless she is wanting to beat me down, make me feel inferior, or otherwise be a dominant male, then she better look out, I will make her pay for her presumption, and dearly. So will my fellows.  You won’t succeed this way. #4 If you are not beautiful, and if you are not enough, no amount of lying self-talk will make you so. Work on yourself.  Lose weight.  Pay attention to your dress and grooming.  If you look incompetent at something so obvious, no one is going to care or notice whatever else you do.  Name three butt ugly, slovenly women who head a fortune 500 company.  Name one.  I rest my case.

    • Guest

      My goodness.

      I guess this just about completely excuses (and even validates) any and all boorish behavior by men, doesn’t it?

      How convenient.

      • Reconmanone

        You COMPLETELY missed the meaning of what was written.

  • Angel

    I just LOVE the 10 Things to say to My Teenage Daughter !  She’s at that age where I’m dumb and she does not want to hear from me. Especially about life ! She knows it all but in fact, she does not.
    I hope I can cut these sayings out and place one in her bathroom and one in her bedroom and she will read them. She needs to hear these things and maybe she will read them from you. 
    Thank You SO much for being Thoughtful enough to help parents who CARE about their kids but are being Shut out …
    Many Blessings to you !! 

  • B Powers

    Our youth minister shared this on Facebook and then I had to share as well. As a 50 year old woman, I can see how this applies to and benefits women of all ages!

  • Ada Wang

    Hi Kate, really thank you for your sharing. regarding how girls should dress, I’ve heard of another interesting description…

    “dress like the sunset, beautiful and maybe feel a little bit in distance, but it’s something you would probably want to take a nice picture so that you can keep in your mind and cherish and look forward to seeing again; don’t dress like a roasted chicken, hot and making people drool, but cheap and will be thrown away after eaten up.”

  • Mjlfamily

    applause!  I also think that the comment preceding mine would make a great addition.

  • Ooh Honey Honey

    Thank you for these comments. I know quite a few women who could probably rule the world if they stopped worrying about their hair.
    From a chronic breast ogler.

  • Mick Stockinger

    As someone who successfully raised a daughter to adulthood without incident, I think it’s all excellent advice.  One quibble though–all boys and men like to look at women’s breasts and the boys who aren’t attracted to girl’s breasts are attracted to other boys.  The real problem with putting your boobs front and center is that you are shutting off all the male brains in the vicinity.  I’m not kidding.  Studies show that sex turns off higher brain functions in men.  If you want to attract mindless brutes–great!  You are on the right track.  If on the other hand, you want boys/men to appreciate your other qualities–qualities essential for successful and lasting relationships, you’ll need their high brain functions intact.  Put your clothes back on honey and engage the opposite sex on a higher plane.

    • Kate Conner

      Exactly!  Thanks for sharing!

    • Loretta

      Good comments. One thing, though:  How did you manage to raise a daughter to adulthood “without incident”???  I have two awesome girls, but there are frequent “incidents”.  : )

    • Steven Paul Bell

      Raising a daughter “without incidence”?  I’ve raised 4 (with some sons thrown in) and all I can say is “without incidence”??

    • bwalk

      Love it!  Raised 2 boys, read a mirad of books trying to figure them out, and you said it in a simple paragraph!  Yes, men need to ‘slay dragons’ to verify their masculinity, and women–accept it–you need to let them.  To do that will allow men to become the most they can be and ultimately the female will be the winner because they know they can protect and care for you.  I’m Christian, and this just seems to be His plan.

  • Wwadewofford

    Coming from a father of 2 girls (11 and 15)……..thank you!

  • Christina Hollis

    I like it!  I think we need to reach out to young women and asked them to see the world a little differently.  I don’t want to tell anyone how to live their life, just a different way to look at  it. this is where I have started telling my stories if you have a chance I would love to know what you think!

  • Guest

    This is a good list, although I disagree (in part) with #1.

    I am wondering what kind of list you would come up with for men (boys.)

  • Dardalouise

    I’d like to add number 11.  Pay attention to what people do, not what they say.

    • Quinn

      Exactly! “Actions speak louder than words.”

  • Kathk

    i wish there was a similar “10 things” to tell BOYS!  i’m the mom of 3 boys and would love this kind of advice!

    • Mounir

      I think you just need to reverse it:)

  • Ashley_fladeland92

    I agree with you a 105 % Kate! I just wanted to say that everyone can be there own worst enemy and my mother always told me that loving yourself is one of the hardest things a woman can do.

  • J. Resh Guill

    I’ve never read your blog before, but happened to come across it when a friend posted the link on facebook.  It is excellent advice, as there is so much truth in it.  So many tweet,  blog, text etc. advice that sounds good, but is actually bankrupt when thought through logically.  Yours however, in this entry,  is sound.  I hope it reaches many

  • Erin


  • Mrsgreen1222

    I WILL be telling my teenage daughter this!  It is so great to be able to show her someone else to say the same things my husband and I have been saying.

  • Mina Sanayei Wirth

    Great advice. As far as appearance goes, it’s very tough to get through to girls about “showing off their boobs” when everywhere they turn,  overtly sexual images of women are used to in advertising, television and movies.  Telling girls not to dress provocatively must cause confusion  for them when it is clear that we as a society highly value women for how they look and how they please.  As a society, the message we give them needs to change. 

  • Unachikana

    love this!!!  thank you

  • Muriel

    I Love this!!!!!

  • Julia

    Thank you for your encouragement. I’m not a teenager, but I will have 5 of them one day. It didn’t change my life, but I know it will change it from this point on. I thank God for your words of integrity and selfworth. God bless the voices of healing edification. Truly, we aren’t here to devalue ourselves, but to realize just how precious each of us really are. It tragic when even one of us goes unaware of our worth to God. So much that He sent His son to die for us, so we could learn to love each other. Lust and love are too very different things. Choose AGAPE… not only for others, but oneself as well.

  • Dominick Digregorio

    As a father to two teenage girls I can say with certainty that most teenage girls stopped reading at #6. I have had while conversations about #6 with them, as has their mother and other adults in their lives to no avail. How do we impart this important fact to them–that emotion is an asset but cannot rule. Ever.

  • Rdcsec82496


  • Daviscarpenter

    Ladies, as you age, please do not degrade your appearance verbally in front of your husband. As he ages, he is attracted to you, not what you were or “could be”.
    It’s fine to be yourself- be strong, independent, not helpless- but, remember that we men have need to meet your needs. Two people with the abilities and designs to be perfect compliments to each other often clash horribly when one or both refuses to meet the other’s need(s).
    God designed women perfectly- there are no mistakes in His design! Anything you may be lacking (whether or not you perceive it), your mate was designed to fulfill. What you dislike about your mate is often not something for you to try to change, but something to teach you what you decided not to learn or to help you change yourself.
    Love is truly not about attraction. Attraction (of men to women) is built in to our design. Real love is kindness and graciousness in spite of what is unattractive. Real love seeks to meet the other persons needs, not satisfy its own needs.
    I am a new creature, not self-designed; I began allowing God to re-shape my thinking after 16 years of struggling as a failure at being a husband and father. I have learned not to try to pressure my spouse to change; that leads to frustration, anxiety, and failed false-expectations. I pray and trust the One who designed my spouse for me, to change her when it is time AND to reveal to me the changes I must make for her.

    • Ginger

      This post actually made me cry.  And I’m not one to cry over blog responses.  lol

    • Sarah Hunt

      Right! and I’ve learned that often, men don’t even notice the “flaws” in his woman until SHE points them out!

      • Jack

        I can’t agree more with this.  There is something about my wife, I won’t say what it is.  I never even noticed it for over 5 years of a very intimate and passionate marriage.  But once she pointed it out to me, now I see it.  I don’t let it get in the way, and still think she is near perfect over 15 years later, but “near perfect” isn’t the same as “perfect”, as I thought. 

        People will do a good enough job at trying to tell you that you aren’t good enough.  Don’t do the job for them.

    • Amanda Huffer

      AMEN!!!!! Very well said. Congrats to you in your changed thinking. God’s ways are forever higher and without them we are unable. :) Praise God.

      • Pieroxy

        Oh my… What is the connection with God here? I’d rather have my girls think from themselves than  think through the veil of ‘God’, which BTW is as imaginary as Santa or Harry Potter.

    • Sulda

       Then you’re a weak minded idiot.  I’m an Agnostic with a wife and three kids and we have had an amazing marriage and a great loving family.  sorry to say it, but God isn’t what fixed you.  You started holding yourself to a higher standard because naturally you lack what it takes to be a real man.  I don’t need some farcical and antiquated book of stories and make-believe to be a real man and be a great husband and father.  Besides, do you even realize how idiotic and hypocritical you sound?  You pray for an invisible god to change your spouse into what you want?  SCREW FREE WILL, HUH?  The very idea that you can proxy a forced change in someone else through the divine intervention of a god is not only immoral, it’s extremely selfish.  Marriage is about sacrifices and meeting people halfway sometimes, but my wife and I got together because we love each other for who we are.  She accepts me fully for who I am, doesn’t want to change me, and the exact same is true vice versa.  If you feel like you need to make “god” excuses then I’m sorry – you might need to rethink your relationship.  In the 6 years my wife and I have been together, we’ve spent only one complete day away from each other.  Now, man up, realize that christianity doesn’t hold a monopoly on morality, and realize that YOU are the one who decides how you want to act.  Stop using a fairy tale as a crutch and excuse.  Man up, or go home.

      • Anita Jackman

        Whatever this man’s reasons for the change that he sees in himself (and personally I don’t know him), I find it distressing and disturbing  your need to vilify not only him, but his beliefs as well to prove your point. He never alluded at all that ‘Christianity’ has a ‘monopoly on morality’, only  that his belief in God had taken him to a more loving and accepting place. Perhaps you need to rethink the advice you have for yourself. 

      • Denise Boehmke Rogers

         I get sooo sick of everyone screaming acceptance and the second someone says anything about God and how our beliefs have helped change ourselves or that God has done anything for that matter WE and God are criticized…quit being haters! NO ONE forces salvation on you its YOUR choice and this guy was only sharing what has happened in HIS life… back off!

        • Penny

          Amen! Modern day persecution. Its so sad that people don’t see, or rather refuse to acknowledge Christ’s work but are so quick to blame Him for all of their troubles or mishaps in life….Very well said Denise.

          • Thebullka

            you did the exact thing you said you hate

      • Hooksp

        Why does it bother so much that this man has a relationship with God? So you don’t beleive? Why attack someone who does? It makes you look like you do believe but it scares you. Just sayin….

      • Margie

        Well you certainly don’t sound like a loving person. You sound like someone who will lash at at the things that don’t line up with your way of thinking, what do you call that?….um Biggot. How dare you attack this man’s religion. I don’t care if he is worshipping frogs, you are a narrow minded biggot. As for your SIX YEARS OF ALL KNOWING MARRIAGE,  get back to us when you have been through the storms of life as the rest of us have and share with us then what made you stay with your wife and kids when every selfish fiber of your body wanted to do something else. So glad you are above human nature, but you simply don’t have any credentials to prove that yet.

        • Thebiglebowski231

          Bigot. One g.

        • Jen

          I’m an atheist with 15 years of marriage. Not all knowing of course, but we have been through unemployment, babies, serious illness and financial woes, and now were learning to navigate teenagers. My family is loving and complete. We learn and grow together. We’ve done this with faith only in an amazingly beautiful universe and our love for each other. I will not insult your faith or speak to you abusively, however I can’t accept that my loving family is somehow invalid because it lacks the grace of your God.

          • Mrsbccichocki

             I don’t see that he wrote that anywhere.

      • Dawn

        WOW!  DId you read your post before hitting comment?  Your hate and intolerance of others proves the complete opposite of what you espouse.    

      • Coffeebean

        Wow, Sulda… where’s all the hate coming from?  Did something Davis said hit a little too close to home?  You might want to listen to that little knock on your heart’s door.  God Bless You. 

      • Sspellmeyer34

        Everyone has a bad day, chill brother. Take a breath, so many people are so stressed right now, hang in there. Sincere.

        • Joysmit60

          I guess some people just don’t like the idea that everyone doesn’t think like they do! We can read, agree or disagree, without being rude or even hateful, wouldn’t you think!

      • Jezwinda

        Do you know what “agnostic” means? Basically that the existence of God and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience. Meaning that you can’t know! Maybe there is not a God – Maybe there IS. And if there is, then what?

        • it’sme

          Exactly! I am Agnostic, but I would never attack anyone else’s beliefs or choices. To each their own. I myself am not convinced one way or the other, which is why I choose to be Agnostic. I  am not able to say one is right and all the rest are wrong. Who am I to say that one religion is the right one, and all the rest have it wrong, or that those who believe in the theory of Evolution are right or wrong. There are just so many possibilities out there, and I find it impossible to pick one. Thus my choice to be Agnostic. But I would never ever put others down for their beliefs, that is just pure ignorance. This guy’s attack does not represent a true Agnostic in my opinion.

          • Sunflower74onthebeach

            I agree ,
            how can someone be so angry towards an entity
            he is claiming he doesnt know exist?

        • Barrs789

          Actually, Agnostic is an adjective meaning “without knowledge.”  The opposite is Gnostic, “with knowledge.”  Their are 4 traditional categories: Agnostic Theist, Agnostic Atheist, Gnostic Theist and Gnostic Atheist (the latter 2 being silly because it is currently impossible to know either way). Theists believe, Atheists do not believe and Gnostic means “with certainty” while Agnostic simply means “I can’t be certain, but…”

      • NWhitson

        I wish I could delete your post!  I know that criticizing you isn’t the answer… Just know this… You wrote & expressed enough for us to recognize that You Are In The Dark about a lot in your life. I applaud your wife but apparently she enables where you fall short. Marriage is about growth.
        We are responsible for ourselves.. Only we can change ourselves.  I hope that Prayer is something you’re able to experience before your days on this earth have ended.   

      • Adela

        I feel so sorry for you…no beliefs…so sad. Your post had me just shaking my head

      • Asie

        My fiancé and I are Christians and I have no idea what you are talking about but we don’t pray to God to change one or the other. We are both happy and content with the way we both are. He is a godly man and let me tell you, he does man up and he does follow God’s instructions. I don’t have a need to change him and he doesn’t have a need to change me. I don’t know where you got the feeling of Christians pray to God to change each other inside their marriage. My parents have been married along time and they have a good godly marriage and it isn’t based on a foundation of “You need change or else.” I don’t use a fairy tale as crutch, I use the Bible and God. The Bible is true and God is real. There is plenty of Historical and Scientific evidence to back up the bible as well as archeological finds and facts. My sister and my brother in law have a great Christian marriage and they do not want to change each other, never have. I could go on and give you more facts, more statistics, examples and years of marriage, like for instance my grandparents, godly people, godly marriage, never wanted to change each other (my grandpa decided ON HIS OWN to become a Christian and was baptized a year before even starting to date my grandma) and they have been married going on 55 years. Your opinion is biased, full of hatred and needs to be re-evaluated itself. Instead of lashing out on Christians and their marriages, read the article again, it says nothing about changing another person in or outside of marriage but evaluating yourself. 

      • Allenblain

        Did you know that your very anger, rebellion, and hatred toward god and those who believe in Him is the very proof that He exists. Think about it! But then again, this is just going to go way over your head, for the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing. The only fairy tale here is yours. You fall under God’s law of death and death is no fairy tale. It is appointed every man a day to die and after that the judgement. Good luck in your fairy tale because it is going to come to an abrupt end and then the true reality will not be pretty for you. Repent and believe in the One true God and in His only begotten Son whom He sent. REPENT! or you will perish!

      • B0405984

        Just letting you know, to me “Daviscarpenter” is much manlier and a much better guy than you will ever be. I think the fact that he realizes that he is nothing without God makes him a real man. Nothing is worse than a guy who thinks he can do it all by himself. Talk about being “immoral” and ”extremely selfish”. I think YOU are the one who needs to man up, or go home.

      • NWhitson

        If there is no God or Satan, why does it even matter to you?

        I just realized that Sulda is probably very used to people not agreeing with him! :/

      • Anonymous

        Why be an ass to this person?
        If he believes that his belief in his God has helped him to be a better person, what is that to you?

        You speak ignorantly, like someone advocating lynching someone without due process. Such a shallow liberal mindset, “unless you believe exactly as I do, you are not enlightened like I am”.

        “Manning up” isn’t about having testicles, it’s about maturity, about having respect for all, and standing up for what you believe regardless of the small minded people that try to dog you out.

      • ChildofGod

        Okay look Sulda, and everyone. I spent some time reading what Sulda said and what everyone else said in response. I am a christian, but i do believe that everyone deserves to believe in what they want and no truly loving person would ever make fun of someone else because of their beliefs. I dont agree with most of what Sulda said, but I do see a bit of truth in his words: that you shouldnt try to change your spouse. after all, no one is perfect and expecting your spouse to accept you when you can’t even accept them is selfish in my opinion. and sulda before you go bashing other people and their beliefs, remember this: you dont have to be a christian to show love towards other people.

        • sisterinChrist

          Just for clarification ChildofGod, I think that Daviscarpenter is talking about growth in the Lord and wisdom when he refers to change.  I do no think that he is talking about personality, physical appearance, or something else like that, but rather change in the sense that her heart, ambitions and attitudes would be more molded to the Lord’s heart, ambitions, and will.  And Sulda, I did not appreciate everything in your comment, but it would arrogant and disrespectful of me to condemn you for saying it.  If you read this Sulda, I hope that tidbit about the “change” comment clears things up a little bit for you, and perhaps that someday you would seek for the Lord as well.  Peace be with you Sir.

      • Dan Churchill

         you are not an agnostic, you are an atheist! big difference!  And not a nice person from what i can see from what you wrote! I am an agnostic but have respect for people that believe different than me!

      • Ohmbob

        Wow, 6 whole years!!!!!

      • DeclareTruth

        Sulda – Well, you certainly are one wonderful moral person, aren’t you? – calling a man a weak-minded idiot because you don’t share his beliefs.  I’d lilke to hear your wife’s side of the story about how loving you are because you sound like a total jerk to me.  Come to think of it, that’s something I’ve noticed in common with people who are threatened by the idea that there is an ultimate authority just  like you are.  Why are you so afraid?  Come on, “man up” and admit that if Daviscarpenter’s remarks didn’t threaten you, you wouldn’t even have bothered to address them unless you had a point to make besides just opinion, which you obviously didn’t.  Daviscarpenter wasn’t putting anybody down, simply expressing his view. You, on the other hand, who think you can be moral without God, have attacked him with name-calling and innuendo, even as you try to make the point that you don’t need God to be good.  It’s kind of funny, actually – you’ve disproved your point by your own nasty demeanor.  Maybe you’re the one who should have gone home earlier.

      • Jrudmann

        You sound like a real prize. : (

      • Sunflower74onthebeach

        Dear Sulda
        If you feel threatened by someone elses source of strength
        you reveal your lack there of.
        Amazing how you can so vehemently attack a stranger in writing
        and claim to be all these wonderful things
        Is this your higher standard of how to treat people who believe
        differently than yourself ?
        Those close to you know not to disagree with you
        or they will face the same wrath.

      • Mrsbccichocki

         Whoa….Bitter, party of one!  Generally people that are as happy as you claim to be don’t crap all over other people’s happiness for no reason. 

      • Mrsbccichocki

         Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall!

    • Sspellmeyer34

      Well said, thank you for that insight. My Second hubby feels the same way and I’m so blessed to have him in my life. Young girls get sucked into this stuff, my ten year old argued with me about wearing a halter top to school, then came out with shorts from last season way too short.  Our family does not act this this way, where are these girls getting this message? Can’t be loved if your not pretty, skinny? They are very loved at home, getting ready to toss out the TV because that is what are society says. 

      • Texspence

        Blame the wretched reality shows….Kardashians, Jersey Shore – Teen mom #? plus the likes of Paris, Miley, and any of the many young people out there living for the ‘cool’. 

        • april

          If you teach your children right from wrong it wont matter what they see on tv and they wont care about the stupid people on reality shows cause they will have a good foundation of morals and self respect!!!!

          • nichla

            I beg to differ – there comes a time when every child – especially every girl – fights to know that the good moral foundation and self respect is worth given up being popular or loved or accepted. I have raised five girls that are all beautiful and talented – some believe it, some don’t. They come with their own way to interpret the world and all that we try to teach they. The best we can hope to do is block out the EVIL of the world until they are old enough to value the good that we see in them and trust that they ARE enough. I think this article is one step in the right direction – we need to add so much more to those steps beginning with shutting off the TV!

          • S187sensesfail

            Disgusting, I feel bad for your girls.

          • Blndbmb

            Exactly, because they will see stuff online & at friends houses. If I already have an open dialog with what is seen at our house, I’ve given them a good foundation of what to expect in the world & how to handle it.

        • S187sensesfail

          Blame? Do your duty as a parent and stop distributing blame. When a person understands right and wrong they can make their own decisions about these things.

        • Joysmit60

          Wow! Hitting a nerve??

        • Pieroxy

          Raise my kids? Isn’t that what TV and school are for?

        • Shodgson77

          I could not agree more. Mean-spirited television.

      • Princessmary1984

      • Rpodgurs

        We tossed out our TV when our daughter was born. If only more heads of households would! I heard a study that if you can keep the TV off till they’re 8 they will be much stronger readers.

        We read to her and she’s in love with books. She’ll opt for reading together on “fun night” rather than watch a DVD.

        There’s a pizza restaurant with TVs installed at every booth. Our 5 yr found Hannah Montana there. It’s some sort of cultural “black hole” and for some reason it captivated her within seconds.

        • L Jenkins1

          My family didn’t have tv until the morning of Sep. 11th, when I was 11. My mom homeschooled me through sixth grade, and by the second grade I was testing at a high school senior level in reading. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that throwing out your tv will make everything better, but I like to think that my parents made the right decision. I am 22, married to a wonderful soldier (not a shotgun wedding, by the way), still prefer a good book over a tv show any day, and am disgusted with the insane standards society has placed on young girls… Let these kids be kids, and maybe shows like 16 and Pregnant wouldn’t be topping the ratings every week!!

          • Lakehouse

            Perhaps you need to reread her comment because it seems you were not able to comprehend the first time.  ”I like to think that my parents made the right decision,” she wrote.   I believe that decision would be the one regarding her upbringing not yours or any other individual.  She also stated, “I wouldn’t go so far as to say that throwing out your TV will make everything better.”  Again, she did not suggest you nor anybody else should forgo TV.  Are your over-sensitive because you feel inferior because that is the impression I get. 

          • Joysmit60

            She didn’t say any thing like what you are accusing her of!! She said she thought her parents made the right decision for her! On the other hand, I wish I had known about home schooling when I was raising my children. Also wish I would have been brave enough to take them out of a school system that only teaches them such liberal views of the world. I loved and still love my kids. They are doing Ok, in worldly ways . . . . jobs, homes, families, but I see such a lack of Christian values. That might not be important to you, but it is to this Mother!

          • Shodgson77

            I believe you have brought up valid and interesting ideas. Being a public school teacher, even I believe there is a place for homeschooling. (I have colleagues who would staple me to a tree if they saw this.)  Please remember, however, that there are children everywhere who are born with inherited genetic issues like dyslexia, ADD and ADHD, Autism, and many more. Parents and teachers need to be sensitive to the needs of each individual child. There just isn’t a one-size fits all, BUT there is certainly a case for the firmness/fairness and consistency that all kids need from the important adults in their lives.

        • Guest

          I was the same way as a kid, I would rather read a book anyday (my mom had  to take away my book so that I would play outside), but we always had a TV growing up.  I don’t know if it’s TV that’s the problem, or just different kids reactions to TV, or I could be a completely weird and unusual case.

          • Horseymomj

            It’s not the tv, it’s how well the tv is supervised by parents and other responsible adults. Like any tool, the tv can be a valuable resource or a powerful weapon. If parents will take responsibility for guiding their children and making sure that the message that comes across is in line with their values, the children will have a better chance of turning out well. Regardless of what your religious beliefs are, I think we all want our children to grow up to be confident and capable adults who make contributions to our society.

          • Lnbrescia

            I am so sorry you feel judged, perhaps you would be more at peace if you stop reading these comments.

          • Gen

            How about a lil moderation in all things. You know what books your kids are reading, what games they are playing how about knowing what shows they are watching. My kids watch t.v. (up to about an hour a day). They also read, do homework, play games, ride bikes, jump on the tramp and play on the monkey bars. I think everyone of these things is a part of what makes them confident, well rounded, good kids. I hope so anyway!

          • Joysmit60

            Another liberal voice in this liberal society! Or at least that’s what it sound like! Obviously, you think you know what’s best for everyone, and don’t like to listen to other peoples ideas! I haven’t read where anyone wants to take your TV away!! Most were just saying what they thought, not having it was good for them. We (that’s me, too) mostly all watch too much TV, anymore! Can you really say that much of it is GOOD for us??

        • Crazynugrapge

          My parents had a tv going in our house 24/7 when i was growing up and my sisters and I were all reading by age 3 and reading on highschool level by 1st or 2nd grade. Having a tv and watching it has very little to do with when or how well a child reads. How much reading goes on is what it has to do with.

          • 4kids4momma

            I am shocked at so many people that were reading at a high school level in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd grades.  WOW.  Your schooling must have been incredibley boring unless you graduated high school at 10.

          • Mandy

            I was thinking the same thing!!!! I thought my daughter was pretty smart reading a 5th grade level in 2nd grade. But nope, these people are reading high school levels at her age. Lol

          • Starbrow

            You’re right.  Schooling was incredibly boring for my son reading at age 4.  He was in a Christian daycare/kindergarten and they taught them to read early.  When that school became too expensive for us, we bought a house (finally) and put him in public school.  He was terribly lonely and bored until he found another boy who was interested in computers and had a Commodore like him (I know–old technology now).  Both boys plus another friend of theirs challenged each other to read and write stories at a young age.  All three boys suffered in school being called “nerds” and “losers,” but all three have become successful:  My son Zack is a chemistry grad student and his friends Tony became a computer engineer and Derek became an investigative reporter and financial investigator, respectively.  Although they suffered by being taunted in school, all three grew up as successful readers, workers, and citizens.

          • Shodgson77

            Boring? You’re going to have to say more about that to convince me.

          • Joysmit60

            It is true, though that “most” children will not read, when the TV is right there in front of them! There is always the exceptional child, I admit! Just read what experts say, about television and the modern child.

        • Andrea

           It’s about parenting, not television. My son is 10 years old and reads on an 8th grade level. He’s been reading since he turned 4. He watches TV and plays video games. TV doesn’t hurt your kids, a lack of parenting does.

          • shahdo

            right on Andrea! I agree with you wholeheartedly! My son is 19 now, he also was reading before he hit kindergarten, and was bringing robert jordan books to school to read in grade 2.  He also watcheded tv, and played video games, and steered HIMSELF away from the overly violent games (like halo) and tv shows.  On a side note, to some of the other commenters on the GOD issue………..we are wiccan, and to deny divinity and its importance in living your life well is to deny a very real part of yourself, whether you call it GOD, GODDESS, or something else entirely.  Many things have been done in god’s name that are evil, but that does not make god or the church evil, only the idiots using religion to push their hate on others.  This article has some very good advice for young girls, from an ethical and empowering perspective……….so what if it was written by a christian?

          • Starbrow

            Thank you, Andrea.  Like your son, my son also started reading early–age 4–and is now a grad student in chemistry.  We raised him morally and ethically, but he rejected our religion.  Even so, while watching “Jerry Springer,” one day when he was home, I asked him about what he was watching and he must have absorbed some morality along the way because he told me that the characters were immoral and didn’t have much of a life to talk about.  I was stunned.  Whether you’re Wiccan, Christian, or anything else, it’s our responsibility to teach our children some moral base.

          • Jen52

            I watched and still watch tv and movies. Some ate what some posters on here would call “evil” I’m sure but I was raised by my parents, not some actors inside a box. I know right from wrong because my parents are wonderful and amazing human beings. There is not, nor has there ever been censorship in my home. My parents simply did their JOB and made sure I knew the difference between make believe and reality. I am not Christian, not at all, I AM a very Spiritual Pagan Witch that practices solitary magic. A belief systNG before any idea of Christ or Christianity came along. In fact most Christian holidays such as Easter and Christmas were created because the Pagan festivals held during equinoxes and solstices had long been established during those times of year. Early ChristFians combined their beliefs with those of many Pagan natives to make the religion that was forced upon them an easier transition.

          • Joysmit60

            But television doesn’t help! That is the point!

          • Jen52

            I watched and still watch tv and movies. Some ate what some posters on here would call “evil” I’m sure but I was raised by my parents, not some actors inside a box. I know right from wrong because my parents are wonderful and amazing human beings. There is not, nor has there ever been censorship in my home. My parents simply did their JOB and made sure I knew the difference between make believe and reality. I am not Christian, not at all, I AM a very Spiritual Pagan Witch that practices solitary magic. A belief system held LONG before any idea of Christ or Christianity came along. In fact most Christian holidays such as Easter and Christmas were created because the Pagan festivals held during equinoxes and solstices had long been established during those times of year. Early Christians combined their beliefs with those of many Pagan natives to make the religion that was forced upon them an easier transition.

          • Jen52

            I also wanted to add that even with watching tv and movies with sex and violence and explicit language I am extremely well-edjucated and love to read, I read all through my childhood. I never failed to surpass my reading level, I was reading adult oriented novels before I was even a teenager. I have no problem with Christians or ANY religion at all. I don’t like being preached to or being told who or how I (or anyone else) can love and I don’t like being told I’m going to hell. I don’t even believe in ORGANIZED RELIGION, if you noticed earlier I said I have spiritual beliefs and that I am a witch. I did not say Wiccan because along with Muslim, Buddism, Christianity and Judaism among many, many others is still an organized religion. I prefer to research theology and let what feels intrinsically RIGHT to me in my heart, soul and mind influence my spiritual journey. I practice spells and rituals like many people pray

        • Mandy

          My daughter is in second grade, and is reading a 5th grade level, with straight As in all her studies! She does watch tv, and play video games. I teach her all the wrongs and rights in this world, cause that is my job. But tv has nothing to do with reading level.

        • Joysmit60

          Touchy are’t we? Don’t really see the necessity of that kind of talk!! You can get off here and not read things you are opposed to, you still have a free will!!

        • Joysmit60

          I do not understand the anger toward someone that is just telling what works for her?? Sounds like it hits a nerve or something! I know my kids probably watched too much TV, when they were growing up, but I readily admit it! Wish I could go back and do somethings different, but none of us can do THAT! Listening to what others have to say (accept it or reject it) can only make us understand and know more!

      • Miranda_thegreat

        I gave up tv when I was 18 and my hubby gave it up when he married me. Best. Decision. Ever! We spend our evenings doing things together. Enjoying each other, talking, playing with our children and cultivating new hobbies and talents. I’m glad to know that that message of not enough will not be welcomed into our home. It has continually baffled me that people complain about the message being conveyed, yet they welcome it in night after night, over and over droning it into those young and impressionable minds.

        • Sham1

          We don’t watch TV in our house, either.  I lived without it living overseas growing up and saw how it – and advertising - permeates everything, every aspect of life.   Car, food, clothes, appearance….  It’s hard to get kids away from the negative influences, but you can try.  They do ‘hear’ what you say.

        • Guest

           It doesn’t just come in from the T.V. – it comes from school, and friends. It comes from reading magazines and discouragement from other children. You can’t place the blame on T.V. – and when your children get into the real world (which will happen one day, no matter how much you try to control it) they will be hit very hard if you don’t prepare them for it. I agree with the ideals – but you should always prepare your children for the reality. They will be rejected by their friends (and quickly brought back in). They will be rejected by their crushes. They will have to reject those who have a crush on them. They won’t make the cut for a sports team.  They will make the winning goal in a championship game. They wont get into every college they apply to. They will get into what turns in the perfect college for them. They will be passed up for many jobs.  They will some day find a career.

          Just because a parent allows their child to watch T.V. that doesn’t mean they welcome the message into their home. You have to address it  someday – perhaps some of these parents have.  Judge not, lest ye be judged, isn’t that right Christians?

          • RWANDrw

             ”Judge not, lest ye be judged, isn’t that right Christians?” 
            I think it is so telling we a person who knows nothing about the Bible or could careless what is says quotes what they saw on a bumper sticker someplace as a bed rock of truth, 

            AND your rant about not getting an award for just showing up makes is out of place here of all places. Since the blog here is working to help kids understand the world with how their actions will work for or against themselves 

          • Abso

            “Twist not Scripture lest you be like Satan.” –Paul Washer
            Your statement is self-refuting, you made a judgement about someone’s judgement. In context Jesus Christ was talking about unrighteous judgement (Phariseeical hypocrisy) and later on He goes on to say “judge with righteous judgement.”

          • Nathan VanVeen

             Matt 7:1-2
            ” judge not, that you may not be judged.”for with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use,it will be measured back to you.”
            It is our duty as Christians to judge, but we need to do it in a loving ,compassionate way to draw ppl back to god not in a harsh demeaning way that will push them away.Remember no one is perfect and everyone is subject to judgement.

            ALL will be judged on the great and awesome day of the Lord

          • Brad

            You are right – it doesn’t mean parents are welcoming the message into their home..but they are allowing it in.  why bother doing that even?  I don’t see this as a judgement.  This is the number one misquoted passage from the Bible.  Stating a fact does not mean one is passing a judgement, in fact, stating a general opinion is not passing a judgement either.  Just sayin’…

          • guest

            There is a difference between “welcoming the message into their home” and teaching your child to recognize when they are being manipulated.  So, yes, more judgements as to who/what we should be. 

          • Shodgson77

            Point taken, but highly overstated. Study after study, what we in education now call “best practices” shows the titanium bond between parents and their children. THAT is the power and the difference. The trio from Nickle Creek, all phenomenal musicians never had television growing up and they seem to be doing just fine. Still, it baffles me when parents don’t walk over and turn the damn thing off. When my kids were younger I unhooked modems, pulled spark plugs, disabled cable and faced death stares when we sat down to read instead. Not fun, but they’re alive and well today, thank you Jesus.

    • Nicki

       Thank you for your testimony. It is beautiful and encouraging.  Thank you for sharing. It definitely adds perspective and your advice will benefit my marriage.

    • EJ

      Thank you, sir, for sharing this. I am a young lady waiting for God’s match for me, and it’s encouraging to read an ‘older brother’s reminder of God’s perspective, as well as seeing there ARE guys out there who think and ‘see’ this way. You’re a blessing to me today! *thankful smile*
      And thank you, Kate Conner, for posting this blog!!!

      • Horseymomj

        And remember, you don’t need a man to make you complete. God made you fully perfect just as you are. If you find someone with whom you choose to share your life, great, but don’t ever think you are “less” in any way just because you are single!

    • Someone139

      I think you have lots of good advice here and it’s uplifting to hear you have made positive changes in your life =). But may I suggest amending the statement “Anything you may be lacking…your mate was designed to fulfill” to “Anything you may be lacking, GOD can and will fulfill.” Because my mate certainly doesn’t fulfill everything perfectly, haha, and he’s not supposed to! Only God can do that. Just thoughts.

      • Thebrewmeister

        God. blah! stfu about god.

        • Jan


        • Anni Insanity

          im an atheist in a devout christian family.. i agree with you 150%..

          • Supergrannybriskey

            Remember there are no atheists in foxholes

          • Guest

            Yes, there are.  They serve their country are.

          • Mightyfowl

            Practice your speech well, Anni. You’ll get to give it before God, personally, one day.

          • Joel W

            I can do maths

        • Anon1239129482

           I don’t think you or Anita bothered to read the author’s ‘about’ pages.  :)   Perhaps you are on the wrong blog?

          • Anon1239129482

             Oops, just you, not Anni.

          • Anon1239129482

             This is why you don’t post at 3am…

        • Stu

          This is like saying, “respecting women. blah! stfu about respecting women.”  You know, since the top poster mentioned it as a primary contributing factor and all…

        • Micahhoughton

          This blog isn’t for you.  This person is obviously influenced and motivated by religion so is the blog.  You should not read this, disregard and do exactly the opposite.

          • Theosophist

             So people who believe in god and those who don’t can’t read the same blogs? What is the world coming to.

          • Sarah

            It’s coming to retarded people. Godly advice is good for Christians and non-Christians alike. It’s good for HUMANITY and maybe if more NON-Christians read Christian blogs things would get better. Who knows? 

            Either way it’s not the point of this blog or the comments  for this blog.The point is to help and enlighten young teenage girls, so any more advice or people that can testify this is right? 

            Ladies, she’s got it right. I’m 18 and I can say that it’s not just an old fart dreaming about things. It’s real good advice and worth taking. Trust me, high school is only for 4 years and honestly after just a few months I forgot most of it. After that you want a life where you’re respected and not shown off. 

            Your man will love and take care of you…even if you wear grandpa sweaters and baggy blue jeans all the time ;) In fact it’s those things that helped me catch my wonderful guy. Nothing is quite like true love and you should do everything you can to find it. THESE TIPS WILL HELP. 

            Anyway getting off the horse. Have a good day everyone and God bless. :)  

          • sophie

            Huh, I didn’t know calling someone “retarded” was the Christian thing to do. TIL.

          • Cara

            Some people though can be truly “retarded”…I’m sure you agree, “Christian” or not!  ;)

          • Lightshaft34

             Matching Quote

            “Scholastic learning and polemical divinity retarded the growth of all true knowledge.”

            -David Hume

          • Claudiamedic

             Please, don’t use “retarded”… it is an insult to people with developmental disabilities (they’re not the “retarded” ones most of the time). Please. and Thank You.

          • Paula

            Retarded is an actual word that has meaning other than a diagnosis. If you sped up you might remember this.

          • Guest

            Paula, Claudiamedic was simply stating that the phrase “retarded people” was something she found to be offensive. The word “retarded” has been use as an insulting term to people with special needs the way “nigger” has been used with people of African descent. While “retarded” does have other meanings, Sarah did say “retarded people.” So sad, too, because she had a lot of other things to say and I don’t think she wasn’t intentionally offending anyone.

          • S187sensesfail

            Religion has caused more death, violence, destruction than any other idea on our planet in the history of time. Open your f***ing eyes, people.

          • Lydia Rubino

            What about Stalin and hitler ??? They didn’t claim any religion but created atheistic regimes and killed millions of people… It’s not religion. It’s humanity .. The human condition.

          • Anonymous

             Hitler was Catholic, not an atheist.

          • ECA

            Hitler was an Arian, which held beliefs heretical to the Catholic church, and therefore he was not a Roman Catholic.

          • S.B.

             Actually, Hitler was not an Arian – he idealized them. He did not meet the requirements for his “perfect” race. The man had issues up down and all around.

          • Egas1955

            You’re both idiots . It’s spelled “Aryan” which was used as the basis for the racialist ideology promoted by the Nazi party. “Arian” would be one who practices a non-trinitarian theology that branches from Christianity. If you are posting you obviously have access to the Internet and thus vast amounts of information, i.e. there is no good excuse for how dumb you both are.

          • Mn06226

             He was still Roman Catholic. Most people pick and choose the parts of their religion that fit their life – religion is by convenience for most people. (IE. a teenage girl cannot use birth control, and must have the baby should she get pregnant – but the sex was OK).

          • Horseymomj

            Actually the sex was not okay unless she was married. That’s called fornication and is forbidden by most churches just as the Catholics forbid birth control.

          • faith

             Pfft…  Lest we forget Communism and its atheist leaders.  Death, violence and destruction under such ideologies is still going on today, by the way.

          • Jonathan B

            Actually, that would likely be socialism in its various forms, with the combined death toll of Hitler and the Communists.

            Religion has been used for evil things, certainly. Many great horrors have been committed in the name of religion.

            But blanket statements like that ignore that hospitals, public schools, and many other social goods in the west owed their beginnings to religion and religious persons. Many of our greatest scientific discoveries have been made by scientists who also expressed strong religious faith. Laws against loansharking have their origin in Judeo-Christian religious traditions. Orphanages, homeless shelters, and many other salves to social ills are ideas that were championed by religious people. It was the religious who formed a core of the fight against slavery in England and the US.

            You can’t simply look at one side of religious history and condemn all religion without acknowledging the contributions of religious people to society’s good as well.

          • Jeff

            You’ve obviously never studied the history of communism, which murdered many times the number murdered by the Nazis. By the way, Communism teaches there is no God.

          • Gregltenney

            I would like to see your figures about just the deaths religion has caused in the past 3,000 years, and compare it to how many deaths have been caused by placing man at the center of the world’s philosophy in just the past 100 years:
            USSR – 26 million under Stalin
            China – 65 million under Mao
            Vietnam – 2 million under various
            Cambodia – 5 million under Pol Pot
            Eastern Europe – 5 million under communist rule
            Germany – 8 million under Hitler
            Africa – at least 20 million in the past 30 years alone.
            These are not people who died in war.  The statistics do not include the battles Stalingrad or Moscow; Normandy or Dresden.  These are the result of deportations, forced famines, and executions.  This is murder, murder in the name of an ideology that denied God and expelled faith.

          • Jeanne Pauli

            Wow Sarah, “if more NON-Christians read Christian blogs things would get better”.  You are blaming non-Christians for all the bad stuff?!  Do you really think only Christians know how to be nice?!  Irregardless of how less than adequate your thinking is, I’m going to make it easy for you on this part.  You are way off base.  And if you think yourself a Christian, I’d point out that you’ve insulted two groups of people in your first paragraph alone.  What’s going to help you get better?

          • Sarahehlert

            Irregardless is not a word. I’m insulted by your crappy grammar.

          • letitbe

            Dont say retarded. Ever.

          • Edwardking75

            Coming to? Already there. Too far gone.

          • CassandraOh

             I don’t see mention of god or religion one time in this article.  I find this to be irrelevant. 

            I’m quite sure that regardless of faith, these ideals hold true.

          • Emilyann09

            This article is about empowering women. It tells girls to love themselves and that they are enough. There are many places in the Bible that say that, so if someone wants to relate God to this article, he/she can! Stop bashing God!

          • Pieroxy

            Do you really need an old book to tell you how to behave? The Bible is also full of hate messages, misogynistic and other crap I wouldn’t want my kids to approach. If I tell them “go read it”, how do I know they’ll only pick up the stuff I judge to be good?

            Isn’t it easier to pass the message without a magical intermediary?

          • guest

            By many places I imagine you’re leaving out the Old Testament, because I can find many examples where women are far from being empowered in the Bible

          • do i matter?

            Well you don’t seem to be helping the situation now, so why do you think you can judge the Old Testement? That’s so long ago, and you seem to think you can say whatever you want. That’s just mean. Please I’d appreciate it if you would not bash the Bible because that’s quite insulting to me, seeing as I am a christian. Please and Thank you.

          • Anonymous

            I find nothing “god bashing” about his comment. He was simply stating that it was irrelevant to the blog, which is true. 

        • Christy

          Why can’t we all just respect each other without bashing people’s God? Is that too much to ask?

          Side note: I realize that Christians may have disrespected you, and for that I am sorry.  But things will never improve if we continue to bash or disrespect each other. Two wrongs don’t make a right. (Even though three lefts do.)

          • Allison

            The comment was removed, I have no idea what you are referring to, but please keep in mind that many people reject the notion of a god because it is unreasonable, not because they’ve been “disrespected”.

          • Daiheadjai

            Unreasonable according to whom?

          • A person

            Daiheadjai, there’s a lot one could say about that. Personally, from my experience, it isn’t by an overflow of logical reasoning that people make statements that God cannot possibly exist. Given modern science, neither belief can be distinctly proven, thus neither belief should be shot down. The social stigma against creationism in professional/academic settings is closer to racism than logical reasoning. The people who use logic and choose not to believe in God still leave the idea open that God *could* exist. There is simply no solid all-around scientific evidence to prove God true or false. It would take a lot to convince me that reasoning like that isn’t backed more by negative emotions than logic. It’s not hard to let emotions take control of our opinions from time to time.

            But that’s sort of away from the topic of this article. It would be redundant to begin a debate about creationism vs atheism here, so I won’t continue.

          • Rgbsr46

            That’s exactly the reason I’m agnostic.

          • Guest

            By the way, I just wanted to say that those who believe God could exist are agnostics, not atheists. However, part of faith is believing in that which can not be proven. 

          • Redplum3

            people will find out there is a God, when they die….I, myself know there is a God and I know where I am going when I die…

          • Anonymous

             You articulate with great clarity. If one had faith the size of a mustard seed, he/she would say to the mountain before him/her, “Move” and it would move.  Nothing would be impossible. A great teacher once said this to his friends as they came down from a mountain and they marveled at the extraordinary service he provided for a desperate man’s son.

          • AnonymousGirl

            Ugh, can we all just shut up about God? Some believe, some don’t, STOP ARGUING.

          • Cenorina12

             why is it suppose to be unreasonable?????
            when people order something that is pre-made and they want “extra” this and that.. i could be thinking that they are being unreasonable…

          • Beth

            How on earth is the notion of a God unreasonable? Is the idea that everything appeared out of absolutely nothing more reasonable?

          • tara

             TAKE TIME TO READ. It’s worth reading it. Trust me :)

            Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

            Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, you believe in GOD ? Student : Absolutely, sir. Professor : Is GOD good ? Student : Sure. Professor: Is GOD all powerful ? Student : Yes.
            Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to
            heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD
            didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm? (Student was silent.) Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good? Student : Yes. Professor: Is satan good ? Student : No. Professor: Where does satan come from ? Student : From … GOD … Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world? Student : Yes. Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct? Student : Yes. Professor: So who created evil ? (Student did not answer.) Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they? Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, who created them ? (Student had no answer.)
            Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and
            observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD? Student : No, sir. Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD? Student : No , sir.
            Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your
            GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter? Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t. Professor: Yet you still believe in Him? Student : Yes.
            Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,
            Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son? Student : Nothing. I only have my faith. Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has. Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat? Professor: Yes. Student : And is there such a thing as cold? Professor: Yes. Student : No, sir. There isn’t. (The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)
            Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat,
            mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have
            anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no
            heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as
            cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We
            cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat,
            sir, just the absence of it. (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.) Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness? Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
            Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of
            something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing
            light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its
            called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well
            you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you? Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ? Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed. Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?
            Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue
            there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are
            viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can
            measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity
            and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either
            one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact
            that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not
            the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do
            you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey? Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do. Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)
            Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at
            work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor.
            Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a
            preacher? (The class was in uproar.) Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain? (The class broke out into laughter. )
            Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s
            brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So,
            according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable
            Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due
            respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.) Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son. Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving. P.S.
            I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably
            want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you? Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH. By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

        • Jeff

          Too bad about the hostility. Why the hatred toward God?

          • Teri


        • Swirly82806

          There always has to be one. This time it’s you.

        • TherapistByDay

           The best way to make a Christian talk about God is to tell them to shut up about him. If you don’t want to hear about God, you’ll have to go to a country that hasn’t constitutionalized freedom of speech or religion.
          Know what Christ did on his final Monday before Easter (the same day I read this)? Opened a can on the merchants in the temple because they were offending his Father God. Jehovah is awesome and the only being worthy of praise. For your own sake and His, do not mock Him.

          • weareallgod

            Funny all the silly stuff read in books…  Thinking god is a His… or even a BEING…  silly.

          • Jason

            Ummmm, that story did NOT happen on THIS Monday. Well, it might have, but there’s an equal chance that it happened on any other date of the year, too. Easter is NOT the exact day when Jesus rose from the dead. It’s a Pagan holiday that The Church took over, just like Christmas. If it IS the day He rose, then WHY DOES IT CHANGE EVERY YEAR? Hmmm, must be that Spring Solstice thing, huh!

        • ProudUSMCMom2011

           Well, lucky for you, you could say that a million times & God will still be there for you & love you.  I really hope that makes your day!  :)

        • Anonymous

          Dude…I’m a militant atheist myself, but you are way out of line here.  This is, apparently, a Christian site, so they have the right to talk about god all they want!

          • Leo Shim

            He was not out of line.  Christian site or not, the article itself makes no mention of religion.  Someone139′s God comment was unnecessary and irrelevant.  Therefore, Thebrewmaster’s comment is fair game.

            The power to shape who you are and how you project yourself to the world lies in YOUR hands and YOUR HANDS ONLY.  This holds true whether or not there is a God.  To suggest that God will fill your voids is a cop out to yourself. Give yourself a little more credit.  After all, that’s pretty much the meat of this article is it not?

          • Michelle Patterson

            It may be irrelevant  and fair game.  Brewmaster needs a lesson in manners period.  Also I would bet Brewski would never speak to anyone face to face in that manner.

          • Jane

            Actually, Someone139′s comment wasn’t irrelevant because it was a response to the comment made by Daviscarpenter. Daviscarpenter clearly made a statement about God. Just to let you know.

          • Norma Jean Bowman

             I certainly do not wish to burst anyone’s bubble but the truth is that God knows our needs before we even ask…and He has blessed me with many surprises that I could never have imagined with my limited thought process.
            He is very real and very aware!

          • YourMom

            It’s funny you think people care what you say on the internet, guys.

          • do i matter?

            that’s mean, why can’t we be a little nicer? I mean, everyone is giving their oppinions and everyone’s oppinion is going to be different and yes there are people who care what they have to say cause there may be girls who are insecure about themselves and need to learn that they aren’t alone or need to learn that people they don’t even know care about how the feel. I care about what they have to say because I am a little bit like those girls. I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel loved all the time. Most the time I feel like no one cares. Like if I disappeared it wouldn’t effect anyone. So things like this help me realize my true potential and people like you just tear people down. Please explain to me why its so fun to tear other people down and make them feel bad about themselves? I mean is it really as much fun as I hear? cause all it is, is bullying..and that’s mean. 

          • Shodgson77

            Beautifully said. You are loved. Things that help me in unhappy times are music, art, music, writing, music, friends, music, reaching out. Did I mention music? Put on the headphones and turn it up! So much good stuff out there to listen to and regain balance.

          • Matt 398

            I wanted to reply to see how narrow I can make this column get.

          • KnightAweigh

            LOL!  Love it, Matt!

          • DLSS

            LOL!  I was wondering that myself, Matt 398.

          • Servantoftheking7

             i was wonderthing that too

          • Tazjoin2905

            You are right and if you are feeling alone and that no one cares for you just attend a Christian church. You will be welcomed with open arms and the more you go the more friends you make who will love because you are one of GOD’s children. I started attending this church over a year ago and besides finding out that GOD loves me so much that He can tell me the number of hairs on my head, the people are the most loving, understanding, kind, & generous people you want to meet. So check it out you will never be alone or lonely again. Get involved in church and you’ll see. God Bless you!!!!!

          • Janeelizabeth

            With all due respect, all “Christian” churches don’t welcome with open arms.  My cousin is Eastern Orthodox and though I am a baptized and confirmed Christian, I am not allowed to take communion.  Instead, I am forced to sit on the bench while everyone else shares in the love of Christ.  Same with my best friend.  She is Lutheran and her dad actually leaned over and told me I couldn’t go up even though I already knew this.  My former church didn’t allow my friend’s son, born out-of-wedlock, to be baptized.  Notice I said “former church.”

          • Rmrose83

            I am an Orthodox Christian and the reason you aren’t allowed to commune is not because you aren’t loved! Going to communion is an act of faith and an agreement of belief. If you are not and don’t wish to be Orthodox why would you want to commune?

          • Richard Pendleton

            I am sorry that you have to have these rules to follow to partake in something that says thanks in remembrance  Luke 22:19

          • Brianlinblad

            The whole point of Christianity is for you to accept and love Christ. Do you really think that Jesus would turn anyone away from accepting communion with him regardless of denomination. I don’t.

          • Adelineaquino

            what you said Brian is  really true..Denomination is nothing…it cant save you at all.what matters most is your relationship to God and your fellow men.For God will never asked u what denomination do u belong…

          • Mjitman07

            Communion is an act we do to remember what the Jesus did on the cross. I’ve been to churches that deny people communion and it is wrong. ANYONE should be able to partake in the remembrance of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins 

          • Pteske

            That is weird.  I am Lutheran and everyone is welcome to take communion regardless if you are a member of the church or not.  In my experience, most churches are like that.  I have been to quite a few different denominations and I have always been able to take communion.    

          • Tiffyg

            Many different christian churches have their members undergo classes before their first holy communion. Because of this non members must undergo the same classes as the congregation before they can receive communion. However they are still welcome and church and if one crosses their arms they get a blessing. I am not religious however I understand that some christian churches use communion as a representation of Christ and those churches allow anyone to take communion because the communion s just a symbol of Christ’s love and sacrifice, but others believe that Christ is actually physically present in the communion and the host is spiritually turned into the actual flesh. Because it is no longer a symbol and now actual divine flesh there are classes and procedures that are suppose to be different..However no one asks you or tests you on this you are able to take communion if you just walk in, no one physically barricades you or something. 

          • Adelineaquino

            every one is invited to share in the communion rites as long as your conscience really wants to accept God as your Heavenly Father and creator.

          • Kantorina84

             I do have to interject here. I’m assuming the Church not being mentioned here is the Catholic Church. What you’re suggesting here is the same thing as lying and stealing which are both against the commandments of God.  It is also a matter of the sin of pride in feeling hurt that you may be labeled “not good enough” to participate in what Catholics hold as the source and summit of their faith — Jesus Christ, truly present and alive in the sacrament of the Eucharist.  Why would you choose to do something against His Commandments if you say that you believe in Him?  Receiving Holy Communion is not about who is included or excluded.  It is about your real relationship with the God-Man Jesus Christ and your acceptance of and agreement (that’s what Amen means) with His own words that this “bread” has become His Body and that this “wine” has become his Blood that have been given up and poured out for all  of us, in reparation for our sins.  A sacrifice only He could make on our behalf.  Requiring a person who doesn’t know enough to say “yes”  or “amen” to that does not mean that you are excluded.  It simply gives you the opportunity to accept and understand the TRUTH of the sacrament (a sign of Christ’s grace in the world) of Holy Communion  so that you  you can with full heart and mind and voice  respond to the truth when you approach the altar to receive Him who has created and saveed your soul

          • Marianne Capellen

            what is “eastern orthodox”? why can’t you take communion? because you didn’t confirm your faith in that church?  Please come to my church!!  we are simply 5th Ave. Christian, Havre, MT.  everyone who would honor God by taking communion is invited to do so.  one does not have to be a member of “our” church to take communion and we baptize ANYONE who comes and expresses a wish to be baptized!!

          • Cllewis1

            The non Protestant churches practice closed communion out of love for Protestants. For a Protestant to receive Communion in such a church would place their soul in peril. For one thing, it would be bearing false witness, in that receiving communion is a statement of assent to what the church teaches and believes. Also, it would be eating and drinking judgement on themselves because such churches believe that Holy Spirit changes the substance of the bread and wine into the body and blood, soul and divinity of Christ during the words of consecration. The bible tells us that partaking of the bread and wine without recognizing the body and blood of Jesus in it is perilous. This is contrasted with Protestant communion, which ignores Jesus’s words that we are to eat his body and drink his blood, and is instead focused on re- enacting the last supper with the apostles. I am not saying that re-enacting the last supper is an entirely fruitless thing, it is just that if this is what you believe, then it is entirely unreasonable to expect to be able to partake of the literal body and blood of Christ in a church that holds those beliefs.

          • Lyds6382

            Everything you said is true to an extent…it is perilous to the soul of a NON-CHRISTIAN to take communion, not a Protestant.  The Bible only commands that one be a Christian and member of a Bible-believing church.

          • Haley

            Protestants and Non-Christians are no less. This is not a matter of discrimination. This is because the receiving of the Eucharist is to be done only by those who fully believe it is Christ and are in a state of grace. If you want to challenge the Catholic Church’s position, please learn from a devout Catholic, one who knows the Church’s teachings. 

          • Anij

            How is it perilous to a non Christian. They are not bearing false witness for we know what they witness to is truth even if they don’t understand.

          • Adelineaquino

            then theformer church you are attending doesnt really living in the light of what God had taught us.

          • Grammy

             you’re right, where MAN is in charge, there are rules of conduct that never display God’s love…  IGNORE THEM they are being led by another Spirit !!

          • Christina

            The Bible actually says in one of the letters from Paul that people who were not “spiritually ready” should not take communion because it would bring God’s judgement against them. This is because you are sharing in the body of Christ. I guess churches would like to avoid bringing judgement on anyone by not ensuring they are ready to the best of the church’s ability. As for the little boy who couldn’t be baptized. I’m sorry about that but you can’t blame the entire Christian population for that. I hope you found a new loving and accepting Christian community. God Bless.

          • Haley

            It is because that is a different Communion for Eastern Orthodox and Catholics. I am a Roman Catholic, and this is because we ask that others respect the Eucharist, as we believe that it is truly the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ. We welcome any to attend a Mass and to learn and we respect everyone as Christians, non-Christians, and as people. Everyone deserves the respect they do not often get. However, according to the Catholic Church teaching, not even we Catholics have a right to the Eucharist — even those in the state of grace who are permitted to receive it. I am so sorry that that church did not allow that son to be baptized — I completely disagree with that. Everyone, no matter the means by which he was born, is a child unique and God-designed, loved by our Creator. But I know that I, and the Catholic Church (even if all of it’s half-hearted members do not), and the Christian Church, in following Christ’s teachings to welcome and love one another as human beings made in God’s image with dignity.

          • Michelle

            I was also raised Lutheran and we practiced open communion. There are different sects of Lutheranism in the US – the Missouri Synod and the Wisconsin Synod are both very conservative and don’t allow open communion or women to serve as leaders. The ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) has open communion and respects the gifts of women leaders. 

            Look us up, we’re nice people and will welcome you to communion! 

          • Andi

            I’m Missouri Synod Lutheran and we have open communion to anyone who wishes to partake and who is old enough (children get a blessing). Women can be deaconesses and church leaders just not pastors, but there is a Lutheran church down the street from mine who doesn’t allow people to take communion unless they are members.

          • Me:)

            ELCA does not practice open communion. We just left one. We were not allowed communion until we finished their Studies and Catechisms.

          • Istillbeieve

            My daughter and her boyfriend were going to the Salvation Army Cburch. That pastor refused to baptize their 2 children. Well…they just gave up on going to church.  In another instance  with the Assembly of God church my grandaughter who was 12 when she was told she couldn’t return to church school  for 3 mos. after being reprimanded for laughing a 2nd time.
               In yet another instance  the minister of the Congregational church that I had been a member of since birth refused to perform a marriage ceremony because I was pregnant and that he didn’t think my husband to be was a christian because his family name had a bad reputation.
              I guess someone might think that because of these unfortunate incidences that I would lose my faith in the church but no I have come to realize that in each instance it wasn’t the church but  a person with their own set of beliefs.
              I think a person just needs to find a non-denominational church or place of gathering where they feel comfortable.

          • Anij

            Come to the salvos we don’t do baptism/communion. And we don’t judge the children

          • JoyInTheLord

            Hi Janeelizabeth,

            I am a Catholic, and like the Orthodox Christians, we do believe in the Real Presence of CHRiST in the Eucharist. It is for that reason that you were not allowed to partake of the Communion. It is not that you are not welcome; it is because the Eucharist is THE totality of our Catholic Faith. In It resides the Soul, Divinity, Body & Blood of Our Lord. We believe that the Eucharist IS the Lord, through which He fulfills His Promise that He remains with us till the end of time. It’s not the same as the ‘Jesus is in my heart’ notion; He is physically present with us through the Eucharist. Partaking Communion requires that you are a baptized, practicing Catholic, and that you are in the state of grace, which means you have gone to Confession.

            If you want to receive the Holy Communion, then what are you waiting for? Go to the nearest Catholic Church near you and talk to the priest and see what he says. If you are not a Catholic, he will invite you to join the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults). As to your friend’s son, tell him to go to the Catholic Church; he won’t be denied baptism there but he will have to learn the Faith first, and he can join you in the RCIA!

          • aoncecatholic

            not true so not true. i was raised catholic, all i remember is judging and lies and hate. say for other white people who love jesus, they’re left alone, but everyone else is told they’re evila nd lesser for not following jesus. you people call yourselves open armed..hahaha. God and christianity causes bloodshed and war everywhere they go, and let people like Bush and Santorum rail about us horrible non-christians, and how god personally assigned them to kill “evil brown people”

          • Carriemaples

            I would just like to say God loves the sinner and we all are sinners. I don’t know where anyone can say what you can do as far as communion goes. Even our children take it. We are all children of God. He loves us all. Some people think that being a Christian means they can tell other people what to do as far as Faith is concerned. The only one you truly have to answer to is God and he knows your heart. We are not to judge, we don’t know what brings a person to where he is in his life. Our jobs as Christians should be to love God with all our hearts, minds and spirit. And for me that just wasn’t all there in the beganing. It has come to me tho. God made us each the way we are and he gives us rules to live by, not everyone sees them the same. If someone tells you, you are not living right or you are not a true Christian then I would say pray for them. My prayer is to see everyone thru the eyes and heart of Jesus. Jesus has perfect love. That is how I want to live. If we all have that love everything else will fall into place.

          • Me

            I have a question..this is something I’ve noticed in pretty much all Christians..Im supposing they all love Saint Mary, I mean they’ve got those pictures of her all over their churches and stuff..and in pretty much all pictures she covers her hair and is dressed decently sort of covered come christian women don’t cover their hair? I mean the way i see it, if i really loved someone I’d make them my role model and try to be as much like them as possible whether its in my actions, interactions or even the way i dress

          • Maziggy

            I have to say that we do not know exactly how Mary dressed. It is assumed she dressed like that because that is how most people dressed in that time. But it is not positive. Besides that, we are not all perfect and I try not to pretend that I am.

          • Andi1

            Lutherans don’t believe in Saints, just for future reference. Neither do most denominations besides Catholics.

          • LC

            It isn’t always that easy, I grew up in the Christian church and felt similar to what was stated.  However as I matured in the Lord (continual process) I have been able to accept love more sincerely and give love in a godly way.  God created us to be in community, yet to embrace it we have to give of ourselves.

          • Alexandria1234

            that is not always true, christian churches are not always welcoming.  Me and my family attended a christian church for seven years me my mom dad and sister are all baptized Christians, and when we finally asked to become members they said we could not because my dad is from the middle east and once was Muslim.  But he has been baptized since before he and my mom got married.  Not all christians are welcoming, they are just as judgmental as many other people out there. Alot of them are good people but alot of them also are not. 

          • bibi

             Hello “do I matter”

            Just re-read the blog “10 things I want to tell Teenage girls.”  And go with those beautiful words by Ms. Kate and know that yes you do matter!!  Read her blog again and put no thought or effect into the posts made by anyone else here, they have all gotten off of the path (with the exception of Daviscarpenter’s post) of what the original message was and is about; intended for ‘you girls’

            Negative people often do and say what they say because they like to steel other peoples energies, (steeling away your positive energy).  So dont go into it with them, and dont give them your energy. 

            This is an inspiring message by Ms. Kate and I would like to also add an extra for a positive metal attitude:
            Become an optimist
            Become aware of self-talk
            Ask better questions
            Employ positive affirmations
            Set positive goals
            Practice positive visualizations
            Laugh long and often
            and read or listen to inspiring messages.

          • Shodgson77

            I care

          • JM

            Actually, you are way off base. This is someone’s personal blogsite. The author of said blog makes it perfectly clear that she is smitten with Jesus Christ. Check her bio.

          • Shodgson77

            Care to explain?

        • Devils Advocate

           ”it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”  – Aristole

          • Shodgson77

            Teach, your children well, their father’s hell, will slowly go by . . .

      • Nope

        You are an idiot

        • Jared Lee Davis

          The pot calling the kettle black a bit?

          • Mel

            Enough with religion being some ultimate savor and bla bla bla.

            The only reason that people crowd around the existence of a “God” is because there is an abundance of literature – which may be valuable in terms of behavioral guidance – and people feel better thinking that there is some entity out there – some result that will, in the end, give back to them.

            Sure the meaning of what is being said in the Daviscarpenter is legit, but without the necessary adherence to some belief about a God. People ultimately are driven by needs, and thinking that there is some magical entity that will help them in the end is ultimately a selfish desire.

            However the behavior of giving everything to someone else, while it may have ultimately selfish motives, is not an act that is selfish in and of itself.

            What happens after this life is unknown at best. If you really want to be worthy human being, stop trying to pin God behind your motivations, and admit that you will fulfill another’s needs without the expectation of a self-serving result. The same actions will help the world.

            Then you won’t sound like an unoriginal broken record and you will actually be standing on your own two feet – a feeling you obviously aren’t familiar with Daviscarpenter, as you obviously are the result of a long line of dependency.

      • Anita

        You are absolutely right. Absolutely.

      • Personalcheffie

         There is no god.

      • Pieroxy

        Aren’t you old enough to stop believing on imaginary friends?

      • Gina

        Although I believe in God, I think people use God as a cop out.  God does not change us, we change ourselves, good or bad…God gave us free will.  It is ours for doing bad or good.  If we need to make changes we should do the work to get where we need to be.  I guess you can ask God for strength to do it, but do the work yourself, don’t sit passively and expect God to perform a miracle or transformation.  It’s just my humble opinion.  People just blame God for so much, for death or evil in the world, for hungry children and so many other things, and then when someone dies, they say well God must have wanted them, and I say bull….sometimes bad things just happen, and life is not fair.  What kind of God would take a child before it’s time because He wanted them?  That is our human justification for it, to ease our own sorrow.  God gave us freedom of choice and the greatest gift of all….life, what we do with it and how we live it is our choice, that is his gift…again, in my humble opinion.  

        • K@t

          Excellent point! I agree with you 100%.

      • Anonymous

        Great People Loving God First!!!! Now that’s what it’s all about.

      • darwinism610

        that is false….god doesn’t exist……evolution is real.

        • Saddened in Ohio

          LOL – you better be right – but you aren’t.  Enjoy your afterlife with an extreme furnace.  Hopefully you will see the truth before it’s too late.

        • Fpsquared

          Evolution doesn’t exclude God.

      • notyou13

        Excpet for the fact that not everyone is Christian. This reaches out to all girls, all religions. Do try to keep that in mind, please.

      • Aquarose69

        Interesting advice, but I feel all the Religious references are off-topic; you do not need to conform to specific doctrine to be able to give good advice. I for one found the article very helpful, but 1) I don’t believe God is overtly male 2) I do NOT believe women were made for the benefit of men, or that the “first woman” was made after the “first man”. And honestly I feel offended when people state thier religious beliefs as proven facts, not humble oppinions.

    • Dreamkaa

      Thank you for you nice words. 

    • Victoriagaskill

      Love it, well said

    • Nada


    • Blueeyesscc

      Love this response! Beautiful!

    • Lhall120

      @daviscarpenter. Thank you for your comment. This is something I have been struggling with and needed to read.

    • Shotgunn28

      #11 .. Steer clear of anyone that would tell you to stfu about God …

      • AsheMaygin384

        You’re an idiot.

      • Eonehasit

         verb (used with object) 1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede. verb (used without object) 2. to be delayed. noun 3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine. 4. Slang: Disparaging . a. a mentally retarded  person. b. a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard. 5. Automotive, Machinery . an adjustment made in the setting of the distributor of an internal-combustion engine so that the spark for ignition in each cylinder is generated later in the cycle.
        Compare advance.

        Origin: 1480–90;  < Latin retardāre  to delay, protract, equivalent to re- re-  + tardāre  to loiter, be slow, derivative of tardus  slow; see tardy

        Related forms re·tard·ing·ly, adverb

        Synonyms 1.  obstruct, check.
        1.  accelerate.

      • S187sensesfail

        I would praise anyone who told me to stfu about god if I were as silly as to mention it. He is fictional, the protagonist of a book of lessons. Grow up, this is not advice for teens.

      • M_corriveau77

        Thinks its funny that “shotgunn28″ would be saying anything about god…what’s next gays are bad for teen too…

      • Anonymous

         Very. well. said.  If you are being a good person and doing good deeds just to get a reward in heaven, then you are doing them for very selfish reasons.  There is no altruism in “I’m being a good person so I can get to heaven.”  I agree with you 100%!!

        • dlve

          Being a good person doesn’t get you to heaven. No one is good enough to get to heaven on his/her own. Christians believe that we get to heaven because of our relationship with Jesus Christ, and because he took the blame for all our failures we want to do the right things in appreciation to him.

          • Janna Weiss

            “Being a good person doesn’t get you to heaven. No one is good enough to get to heaven on his/her own.”

            Respectfully, this is one of the reasons I left Christianity. I don’t believe that we’re all inherently sinful and need saving, or that being a good person is somehow not enough. I believe that we’re just inherently human, we were designed that way, and we should be the goodness we want to see in the world. That said, Christian organizations do a lot of good in the world, and many Christians go unrecognized for their kindness and charity. When people bash God, I think they’re reacting to the fundamentalist zealots who misrepresent the religion, and to unwelcome proselytizing. I know it’s tough when your dogma asks you to spread the gospel, but please respect others who have chosen another path and are happy with it.
            Peace. :)

          • Rebecaltm

            You think exactly like I do :)

          • Rebeccajoy28

            The only way to haven is not through works but through Jesus christ, John 3:16 For God gave his only begotten son and whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

          • Christina

            The Bible says our works aren’t enough so we know to live our lives. And that as long as we believe, everything else will fall into place. I don’t know which other religion has it easier. That said, you are one of the most polite insightful people to comment without letting their lack of belief get in the way. Half the time I feel like people are angry at me just for being Christian. It’s really hard being judged and criticized just because I believe in God. They feel justified in their hate but if I did the same, most of them would comment , “oh she’s a Christian. That’s what they do.” I want to love God in peace. In any other form, it would be racist, homophobic or tribalism but apparently hating  Christian is fine.

          • Cody

            Being a good person, makes you a good person. The belief in christ is what gets you to heaven? Heaven heaven heaven.. blah blah blah.. A truly righteous person will do what is right by others with no thought of reward. The sort of selfishness and entitlement inherent in most religions is the cause of most of the worlds problems. This whole thread on this article became some kind of religious debate, because someone just had to throw a god given purpose and meaning to the message. How about restraining yourselves and making intelligent objective observations about the article, instead of derailing it’s whole purpose? This advice can pertain to anything. Be a Christian, be a Muslim, be a Jew, be a scientologist, but until we can leave those things out of what should be intellectual discussions, it will forever be one big game of “whos junk is bigger?” right after another.

          • Tazjoin2905


          • Rebeccajoy28

            Amen and might i add that it is a personal relationship with our lord and savior. Its knowing you will never walk amongst all the evil in the world alone.

        • Womack Cindy

          I agree and not only that, but the Bible tells us that if we do good works to get rewards on earth, we should very well enjoy those rewards b/c we won’t be rewarded for them in heaven.

      • fleur_de_lys

         In that case, why bother with the whole god business in the first place?  Waste of time and energy.

      • Bball14

        I agree with you, Smash. I am a Christian, but you have very valid points and have a great insight. I think that what you are saying is right on! We may not see eye-to-eye on other things, but what you are saying about doing things selfishly and only believing in God “just in case” is so true. That’s not a true faith and that is not even close to doing what Jesus called us to do. He told us to love, be kind, feed those who are hungry, etc…and yet what you are saying is true. A lot of people who claim to be Christians are doing it so they can gain a reward and others are not doing anything because they think that just saying you believe in Jesus is enough-when really he calls us to believe and obey.  To me that’s very sad, especially when you all don’t even believe what we do and you are calling us out. Thank you! I hope this is coming across as nice as I was meaning it to. I know when typing things it can come across wrong…I really am genuinely thanking you and I really do agree with what you’re saying. Thanks for voicing your opinion!

        • Bball14

          *Sorry I meant this not just to you but also to the other people replying, so in other words I agree with you and the rest of the stuff said is directed to the other people who replied (: sorry about that!

        • Anonymous

          Ok I hope I am understood that clearly I am not wanting nor do I want to contradict anything you’ve posted . However this is what I get from your post please correct me if I’m wrong. Man/woman should generally have love for fellow man/women naturally wanting to help make their life better because it’s the good feeling inside for helping fellow man/woman . Heaven is our reward for that and only that. If that is what you’re saying I agree with you also we as Gods children generally have by default the want and need to help fellow man/ woman. Try this one day have a legitimate very small problem and ask a person this question ” Excuse me I’m want to know if you can Help me or Excuse I Need Your Help” and that person will at least stop and consider your request by default design.

          • Rebeccajoy28

            HEVEN is our reward for beliveing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. JOHN 3:16 as Jesus works in our mind body and soul you will naturally want to help those in need or that are less. Fortunate then yourself, your reward is knowing u helped someone.

          • Mjitman07

            Heaven is not a “reward” for believing in Christ, its a reward for enduring the persecution that comes with obeying the Lord and speaking out to people that are living in sin. Believing in Christ is a reward all in it’s own 

      • Clintgritt

        I am not going to be rude about it….but this seems pretty intolerant in my opinion. Not sure why you would need to stay clear of a good person who prefers not to see God talk everywhere they turn……

        • Steve

           They didn’t say avoid anyone who doesn’t believe in God or avoids God conversations, but to avoid the person who SEEKS OUT someone saying something positive about their faith to another person, and tells them to shut the f up.  There’s a huge difference.  One is reserving the right to have your own beliefs, the other is being a rude, abusive, inconsiderate a-hole. 

    • Mcmitchell1

      Love this!!  The only thing I would argue is your last sentence….perhaps the change is not in her, but maybe the change comes with your acceptance of her imperfections :)
      And to all the young ladies who get this….GREAT!!  Take these lessons to heart!  As the mother of a 22 year old daughter, I think this message is perfect!

    • Asfasd22

      except for the god part. i think my mom and dad took care of the designing part

    • Hoosierbeth

       This is why I am drawn to Jesus but repelled from the church. I know this is a radical way to look at things, but has the thought ever crossed your mind that some people will not ever and might not ever want to make the choices you made. Please don’t assume that God will choose a mate for me. He might not. I am ok with that. I find it ironic that I can be ok with the fact that I am single, but the Christians around me can’t.

      • Joysmit60

        I am a Christian, and think it is perfectly alright for you to be single! No human is perfect, only God is perfect. We, humans, sometimes think we know what is good for others, but we don’t! We think because we are married and happy that way, we must help others to find that same happiness! You just need to remember that, and remind your friends that you know what makes you happy.

      • Nadie

         Especially since Paul says outright that single is the preferred state…

      • Shodgson77

        Thank you, Beth. You said it all for me, too

      • Obbssessed

         There are churches (and people in the church) that wont push you to get married or tell you you need to etc. You just have to find it :) .

    • Ladellsterling

      The husband of the couple that led our Couples st the Crossroads Group has shared these very same feelings about his wife to our group. He adores her, values her ever doesn’t want to change her. Instead he choses to change himself and appreciate Gods design.
      Nice to hear that more than one man feels this way. God Bless you and your special lady.

    • Anonymous

      Beautifully said… And I’m sort of struggling just a little with the false expectations at times but I stay in the word pray read my bible. Thank You…. Just know your words have truly rang out today and it resonates loudly within me. Again Thank You and Praise God.

    • Truth1623

      Great article. Your comment is NOT something I want my daughters to read. 

    • Raylangivens

       Very well said Davis. I enjoyed your perspective and sensitivity to what Kate was offering to teenage girls. It applies to all ages though. And she is so spot on about the fact that we are living in a twisted and broken world…

    • Jlfxiii

       Well said!! thank you!

    • Liana00michelle

      Thanks for that !! What do you mean “do noy degrade your appearence verbally in front pf your husband?”

    • NM Mom

       Thank you for saying that….

    • Rand0m411

      God designed women perfectly-  there are no mistakes in His design!”Yes, there are only mistakes in his logic… and maybe the fact that invisible Santa isn’t real.

    • CSWATL

      Thank you for your encouraging post.  My husband tells me all the time how beautiful I am in his eyes, in spite of the flaws I see in myself.  Why is it that sometimes we can’t accept the truth of something until we hear it from an outside source? 

    • Anonymous

      In “His Design?” How chauvinist.

    • ConstanceC

       If God designed women perfectly, why do periods suck so much?

  • Daviscarpenter

    Also, ladies, if you refuse to use your husband’s being attracted to you to meet his need(s), your power/ ability in that area becomes diminished. Exercising your ability gives you sway with your husband. Meeting his needs strengthens your pull on his will. Withholding over a great period of time weakens your sway over his stubbornness. People learn to live without things that are no longer available to them.

  • Mattshaunakjc

    Perfect advice!!! Love it!!!

  • barbiedawn

    I love this article!  Wonderfully communicative to young ladies, but is applicable to a greater audience in so many ways.  You have had a lot of comments on #1. 

    I’d like to say that it is said perfectly. 

    As a teenager, I was naive and didn’t get it.  I wore things because it was fashion, but NEVER thought of how it affects my guy friends or my brothers in Christ.  Not until I met my husband, did he explain.  I remember once when we were headed to a date,  he said that he wished I wouldn’t wear a particular shirt anymore, because it caused him to stumble.  I WAS CLUELESS!  Did I have a right to wear that shirt?   Yes, I was an adult.  Did I stop wearing it?  Yes, cause this world is not all about what I want or like.  There is more to consider than just me.  This shirt led to many discussions that opened my eyes on the male mind, that I wish I’d have known as a teenager.  Over the years I have grown and learned the blessings of a husband that is visual and sexual, as the Lord created him to be.  But I so want to protect that for the context of marriage, between me and my husband alone.   Wearing things that give me a clear conscience before the Lord and before my husband brings me joy. 

    As young ladies, you are guarding your heart, your body, your future marriage.  The world is throwing out so much at you.  Focus on the Word more than you focus on the world, and you’ll be able to discern and act with wisdom beyond your years.

    Kate, thanks for giving an avenue to begin this dialogue with the girls in our lives. 

  • Mounir_boukli

    I love this article and I would like to add that being from another culture I noticed that identity is lucking in our society just because we all try to belong and blend in therefore we loose prospective of who we really are or can be.  I hate TV and what its doing to all of us, lets save all that cable money and go on trips overseas away out of our comfort zone (Adults and Kids) we all need to truly know better who we are…to be continued….

  • Aprllcm

    Wow Love this!! and Mtiger1 right on :D   So true :D

  • Sjdrjh

    I have always told my daughter who is now 11, “Dumb ain’t cute.” (see what I did there?) I’ve also said, “Boys you will like, won’t like dumb girls.”

  • Steveme

    Kate, glad to see this…in all itz formz, training a child up takez endurance, patience and mostly, confidence! Men, give your little girlz conversation, hugz and acknowledgement, then remind her that she can ALWAYZ speak her mind to you respectfully, even in her frustration and challenges! For her to know there is nothing that stand in the way of your love towardz her, will ALWAYZ speak volumes to her both in your presence and away.. glad to see Bama is still producing women of character and grace with lotz of love.. 

  • Wburns1966

    Just teenage girls?  I know teenage boys as well as adults–both male and females–that need to read this.  2 thumbs up!

  • happymurph

    Great read, except for number 8.   You should walk and talk authentic through your whole life.  The moment you start living to make others happy, is the moment you let go of your own happiness.  The last house we bought, one of the rooms was painted every color of the my little pony rainbow.   Neighbors lined up to inform us the room had belonged to a little boy.  All I heard over and over was  “I guess that mother just didn’t care what others thought”.  All I heard my brain say was “what a great mother she must be”. 

  • Jean L

    Modesty is biblical, lust is sin, if we knowingly inspire lust, we are “helping” our brother to sin. Period.
    Another way to look at it: if you had a friend who is diabetic & having a hard time giving up sweets in order to save their life, would you down bowls of ice cream or gulp candy bars right in front of them? If you had a friend who was a recovering alcoholic, or someone trying to quit smoking, would you smoke in front of them, drink your alcohol in front of them? If so, you are a very self-centered person.
    Our brothers struggle with lust. Why do things that can contribute to a brother stumbling? While there is no specific line that we can all point to and say, “that’s where she’s gone too far”, each of us, if we are honest with ourselves, can look in the mirror and we “know”. We know if what we are wearing is appropriate or not. We “know” if what we’re wearing is being worn because we know we “look hot” in it. It’s not mysterious nor tricky. Even my 7 year old daughter told me just a couple of weeks ago while wearing a slightly older smocked sundress, “Mom, I think I’m not gonna wear this anymore, okay? I think it’s too tight across my chest and I don’t like how small the straps are.” Wow. At 7, she knows.
    No, we aren’t the only ones responsible for lust happening…a guy can choose whether or not to take control of his thoughts & redirect them. But, yes, we can make it harder – or easier – on them. I wish more women would make it easier on my husband or my two sons (who should also do their best to look the other way & take control of their thoughts). And I will do my best to see that I, myself, and my two daughters do what we can to help, not hinder, our brothers. If you can’t see the truth & righteousness in that, I think you are just trying to make yourself feel better about your self-centered perspective.

  • Dan Conner

    I am obviously biased. But I love this post. And I love the dialogue and conversation that people – parents, teachers, girls, youth pastors, Canadians* – are having about these ten things.

    Allow me to say only this: After reading so many comments, I am grateful that you said these things and that you said them precisely how you said them.

    Sure, some are misunderstood. But it tells a lot more about the reader (!) in how the post is interpreted.

    For the most part, you are firm instead of harsh (see the comments for some of that). You are wise without being preachy. You are caring and actually hope girls will dominate their teenage years with prudence, humility, and discretion. Well done, Kate Conner.

    *Other nationalities and countries and continents are noticeably responding as well, but seriously: Canadians! Bieber! Buble! Bullwinkle!!!!


    • Kate Conner

      Thanks, babe. :)  I can’t believe it took you hundreds of thousands of views to finally comment on my blog.  ;)

    • Hilly251

      If it gets people talking, you’ve done a great job. Sometimes getting people fired up about an issue is the only way to get them to really truly think about it. Well written!!

    • Guest

      “Sure, some are misunderstood. But it tells a lot more about the reader (!) in how the post is interpreted.” That great statement can be used in SOO many ways – love it!

  • Rt_boager

    Wow, so true. Love this.

  • Stonbroke

    As a mother to 5 beautiful girls can I just say, I love this!

  • Fifteen

    Thank You.

  • Jimrfiscus

    Nice blog!

  • Ginger

    A lot of folks seem to be of the opinion that a girl/woman should be allowed to wear whatever she desires with absolutely no repercussions.  That she should be allowed to “be who she is” or “express herself.”  But why are they wearing low-cut tops in the first place? Do they wear them when they are home alone? When teen girls are with other teen girls, and there are no chance of seeing boys, they typically dress more modestly.  I have two teenaged daughters, and some of their friends wear more clothing for sleepovers than they do at school.  They are cute and comfy in private, or with the girls, but they are provocative when guys are around.  I don’t really believe it is as innocent as “this is just who I am.” 

  • Netterg13

    Straight and to the point. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • Bilzygirl

    I love all this advice…don’t know if I agree with #5…although I’ve been burned because I followed my heart  I can’t say it is the best advice.  IDK…just my thoughts!

  • Elisa Pulliam

    Yes.  Thanks for a refreshing and concise word!

  • Ronni

    I agree with this list. But a man is going to look at your breasts no matter what kind of shirt you have on. Especially if you’ve been blessed with a decent pair.

  • Sgtanne65

    LOVE this

  • Emily

    Great list & I share many of the same feelings, but I have to comment on a few… I wish the very first thing on your list wasn’t about breasts. By starting off a list of things every young woman should know with something about her appearance, it seems that is reinforcing the idea that her appearance is the most important thing about her. Modesty is a virtue and I wholeheartedly agree with you, but it just rubs me the wrong way that it’s the first thing mentioned. Maybe that’s nit-picking, but that’s how I feel.

    Also, couldn’t it be framed in such a way that it wasn’t all about how you’re going to make men/boys feel or think? How about telling girls to dress modestly because they will feel more confident about themselves, and be more respected by everyone, not just so that they can catch a decent guy. Helping men keep their minds out of the gutter isn’t the reason I am going to teach my girls to be modest. Do we teach boys from a young age that they need to look nice for school/work/church/whatever, so that the girls will think they’re good boys? Not really. We tell them they look educated, respectful, responsible. Let’s give girls the same respect. Teach them to be modest, not because of the men around them that they might tempt, but because they want to portray themselves as a smart, respected woman. Teach them modesty without giving them the guilt and responsibility for men’s thoughts.

    Thank you for writing this list & sharing your insights. I loved reading it & the comments!

    (Loved #4 & #5!!!)

  • Mkrhenzel

    I would add to #7, see #2…. trading smoking for tanning bed and lung cancer for skin cancer.

  • Samantha Berry

    I will definitely be passing this along. I’m a high-school teacher and this is what all of my girls desperately need to hear. Thanks so much!

  • Jill21

    I absolutely love this blog! I’m actually ten but this really helped me…… I especially love number ten, a couple days ago I felt like I was fat so that one is my favorite………. This is really great advice and I think all girls should read this!

  • Timmi Blackshear as an educator of high school girls i appreciate this more than you know.

  • Christin

    You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough. I LOVE THIS!!

  • Kurogo

    I like how the author assumes that all teenage girls wont pretty enough for porn. They obviously don’t have the internet.

  • guest

    1,5 and 8 are totally off  base!

    Men who ooogle women’s breast and cant see beyond them. That is their issue not the young woman’s!!!

    Don’t dress for a man.. dress in a way that makes you feel beautiful, confident and sexy, which does not need to look like a hoochie mama.. but can if that is what makes you feel good!

    WOMEN criticizing women is one of the BIG women’s issues.

    Know you heart and be true to your heart and by all means follow it. Love is not an award, a reward or an entitlement, give love freely and you will receive it.

    Be proud of who you are and do not do anything that you are not proud of.

    DO NOT feel the pressure to follow the crowd follow your heart.

    Stop being superficial!!

    • Camiar22

      Totally agree with you about #5!

  • Fe

    Great article.  Job well done!

  • Guest

    Yeah, let’s slut shame our teenage girls to the point where they feel ashamed about their bodies and sexualities!!!! Ugh.

  • Owl

    “You have unique thoughts to offer the world.” There are more than 5 billion people in this world. Chances are someone else thought about it first.

  • DDLX

    I agree with most of this except the smoking.  Not every girl can pull it off but it is sexy as hell for some girls (think Audrey Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman).  Classy and cool.  

  • Limn42

    You tell them they should care what other people think but turn around and say “You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough.”, which is pretty much the exact opposite of caring what people think.

    • Furpurr

       this reply is really for EVERYONE who did not like #8:

      i don’t think the author meant it the way it is being taken by so many!!  she meant, when someone says they do NOT care, that is usually not true. 
      also, one should conduct one’s self so that what others will think of you will be POSITIVE & not negative!  the persona one puts out for the world to see DOES affect the way one is treated, & viewed…for example, viewed by prospective employers, the parents of someone one wants to date, etc. ~ those opinions DO matter!

  • Kitty Jones

    I agree with all but the “Care what other people think” one. One of my favorite quotes: 
    “Take me as I am, or not at all.” 
    You shouldn’t change who you are just so people will like you. Unless you’re a douche. 

  • Lauren

    wow. i love this. my leaders are always stressing this at church and these are some of my standards. i know that this is totally true. i wish that my fellow high school girls knew about this. it rings so true. it’s really comforting to know that other people out there have high moral values and standards. Thanks for sharing!

  • Sammy

    Someone finally picked up on the truth. thank god. By the way, there are boys that feel this way too.

  • Rererer

    guy under me is gay

  • Jonathan Ball

    really, Rererer? Weak.

  • Sonja Minchew


  • Gaia

    I’m wondering what things young men need to hear to change their perspectives that lead to destructive behavior toward themselves and others…

    • AnnieCat

      How about 1)Respect and 2) Service for those that need help.  Both of these would cure a lot of ills and were a central theme in our training of our three sons.  They enjoyed the work they did for others, and they knew I wouldn’t listen to crap talk about other people.

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls | Kate Conner « A Ladies Perspective

  • Pneuma Ward

    Thank you sooooo very much for reinforcing so many of the things I try to tell my daughter all the time…and for doing a much better job of it.   A father’s greatest fears are attached to his daughter.  Thanks again!

  • Kimberly

    I love this. I have 3 girls, ages 13, 9 and 4. The 13 year old is very modest and so immature she’s mature. Does that make sense? She’s not into boys, clothes, makeup, etc. she gets along better with 6th graders and high schoolers than she does with the girls in her class. I pray everyday that she never changes. The 9 year old? She’s going to give me a run for my money….too soon to tell about the 4 year old. Again, I love this. I will share this with my daughters and nieces. Thank you!

  • Yavonda Chase

    I loved your post. I just wanted to let you know that I shared it on my blog, Baby and the Beasts,
     Thanks again

  • scout

    As a middle aged male, who certainly can still remember, I certainly agree with your postings.  In college, a girl came over to study daily.  This girl was engaged to a guy in a different state, we had so much in common, and I enjoyed the company.  We never dated, and she dressed reasonably modest.  The thing was she would unbutton a couple of buttons on a oxford cloth shirt, and slumped over the table where we studied.  I was young, innocent, and in reality had never saw breasts before.  I tried very hard not to stare, and I don’t know to this day if she realized.  I never made a move as she was taken, and tried to put my thinking into the right frame of mind.     I suppose what I am saying is that nature has a strong pull, and even Christian young men, have their thoughts to wander.  I am sure that had this girl been available, and been willing that I would have tried dilligently to try to get her to go out with me.   She had me wrapped around her finger anyway at that time. Thirty years later, this lady is on her 4th marriage, and her sister and her brother in law are still friends of mine.    It is hard to be a Godly young man, or a Godly young woman.

  • jane

    I think your advice is great but these messages should be something young girls should be hearing from birth. My cousin just sent me a quote that really rings true: Do not teach your children what to think but how to think…

  • Kaylayao

    I disagree that girls should care about what other think, yes it isn’t true that girls don’t care about what others think but that doesn’t mean that they have to live up to what everyone expects them to be. I personally think that girls shouldn’t care (that’s my opinion). Just because they don’t care what people think or say doesn’t mean their reputation is at risk. If a girl is strong, happy, and not risking her life, then I don’t think they should worry about what others think because all they’re going to do is bring her down.

  • Hmmurphey

    That was very well said. However, I think women degrade themselves in fron of their husbands because WE feel inferior. Regardless of the kind of upbringing a woman has had with her mom (or the lack thereof) we are trained to look at what we COULD BE, not what we ARE. It’s a matter of seeing and seeking our greatest potential. We complain to our husbands becuse we see our potential, we see the flaws and conclude those flaws are unacceptable. Women see beauty differently than men do. We pick it apart more. (Don’t ask me why God made that rule; I simply have to play by it).

    Since our husbands are supposed to be our BFFs, they should more or less confirm our perspective. I’m not saying it’s right or accuarate. I’m just saying that as a woman, (whose long term husband is my BFF), women have a different perspective.  

  • Weavermama

    I agree for sure

  • RcRR

    There really should be a number 11. If your Mom doesn’t like or get along with your Dad, or HER ex-husband, there is no reason you cannot have a meaningful relationship with the man who is your father. They broke off the relationship, not the kid. She is probably very jealous of the relationship you now have of the Man who is no longer her knight in shining armor. Think about it, why else would anyone do and say the things they do unless there is a secret anger at their own rejection, and subsequent disapproval of everything relating to the past on that subject. I made a mistake and I don’t want to even consider anything good can come from it, therefore I will do everything to discourage happy thoughts. I was wrong and can’t admit I have an equal share of the blame. I will never say anything bad, but, I will NEVER, ever, can’t say anything good either. Any comments? If your Mom doesn’t like or get along with your Dad, or HER ex-husband, there is no reason you cannot have a meaningful relationship with the man who is your father. They broke off the relationship, not the kid. She is probably very jealous of the relationship you now have of the Man who is no longer her knight in shining armor. Think about it, why else would anyone do and say the things they do unless there is a secret anger at their own rejection, and subsequent disapproval of everything relating to the past on that subject. I made a mistake and I don’t want to even consider anything good can come from it, therefore I will do everything to discourage happy thoughts. I was wrong and can’t admit I have an equal share of the blame. I will never say anything bad, but, I will NEVER, ever, can’t say anything good either. Any comments?

  • Guest

    I’m going to have to take issue with #5.  It depends on the context, perhaps, but following your heart is often a key ingredient to overcoming fears, facing challenges, and achieving dreams.  If you aren’t following your heart, there’s a good chance you’re going to go off course.

  • Ginlin27

    Thank you.   Girls, you’re either a treasure or a target. 

  • Rick

    #11   Tattoos on girls is like bumper stickers on a Ferrari. DON’T do it

  • Carden22

    As a women and the mother of 2 teen daughters I love this. I am 45 and I still struggle with these same issues at times.  I constantly have to remind myself that I am unique and special and to stand up for what is right and to teach my daughters the same thing. Thank you for sharing this.

  • Berta

    The post is about children growing up beautiful. What is happening in the comments is ugly

    • Jon

      Girls & women–want to know what it’s like for a guy walking in the mall ?  Ok, try this. If young guys wore something tight/stretchy like leggings, and walked around physically aroused…not uncommon considering the visual landscape..Do you really want to have that image in your mind ?  Some girls snicker, others just wish they didn’t have to notice that.  Girls, what you are doing is blatantly unfair…and guys have to live with that stuff in their eyes & minds for a lifetime…there’s always more of them.  Stop it already !! 

  • Sspellmeyer34

    I’m printing this out for my girls, the only thing, tanning it’s a sunshine thing during the winter months.

  • Jcrs4

    all so very true

  • just me!

    okay, getting away from all of the negative nonsense on here…

    i love this post.  i taught middle school and am planning to go back next year.  this is certainly great advice for young girls. 

  • Annab1215

    This is a good article and great advise with the exception of your statement in number 8 in my opinion.  As parents of teens (and I have three of them), we need to teach them self-satisfaction and being satisfied with themselves, thus not worrying about what others think.  Our kids today worry too much about what others think and this is truly the harm that we see in our teens behavior….I would suggest that instead of what you have here, then maybe advise of accepting of yourself for who and what you are is very valuable. 

  • Samantha Thomas815

    The problem here is that everyone screams “TOLERANCE” until someone mentions Christianity or God…. then they find reasons to belittle, mock and basically be INtolerant… Just a thought…

        This list is beautiful. My husband and I have 2 daughters and a 3rd due in 2 months. This is EXACTLY the type of thing we’ve been convicted by God to impress upon these beautiful girls He has given us. I feel it more keenly than my husband does, I think, because these things were NOT impressed upon ME as a teenager. I feel like this is a huge part of why I traveled the wrong path for so long. Young impressionable girls need to know unequivocally that they are loved and valued not only by their mothers but by their FATHERS as well.
        Otherwise, you wind up with these women/children of today that feel they need to debase themselves to gain “love,” dumb themselves to gain attention, lose respect for their own bodies by engaging in dangerous promiscuous sex to be “accepted” or talk about others in a derogatory manner to gain notoriety amongst their peers, uncaring of who their words may hurt. I am determined to make sure MY daughters KNOW they are loved, but their parents AND God, and to always feel like they are “enough.”

    Thank you for putting into words what was only a concept in my mind and heart :)

  • Colin Foote Burch

    In number one, you forgot to include rear cheeks hanging out  ; )  .  I’m certainly keeping this list for my 12-year-old daughter until she’s a year or two older — and I’ll keep it for my younger two daughters, too.  On the other hand, I wish you didn’t make it sound like bad males are interested in breasts and good men aren’t. Humans are embodied creatures, and for whatever reason, female curves attract males, same as it ever was, and so shall it be, world without end, amen.

  • Lynn Everitt

    These 10 rules are so true. Every young woman should read this. We can all benefit from these 10 comments, even when you are 63 years old.

  • Jenuinearticle

    Sorry, but #9 and #10 are both BS. I see it with my own eyes everyday. Capable women get passed over and looks are everything to dudes.

  • Megan Swicegood

    I love this post. I am so grateful to my teenage self for listening to my mom, staying out of tanning beds and wearing sunscreen like it was a religion. While I’m very white in my prom pictures, at age 31 I don’t even have the hint of crows feet while my tanning bed classmates and their carmel colored prom pictures look 15 years older than me. 

    And you are absolutely right, the internet is run by teenage girls.

  • Dale

    WOW – Hope every young woman could read this~

  • Bmarbly5

    This could not have been said any better.  Every bit of this is so true! 

  • Sherry Boyd

    As the proud mother of five daughters and one step-daughter, I HIGHLY recommend this! And I will share it! Thank you for posting this…

  • Ritter Danielle76

    I love for myself but more importantly for all the women in my life!!

  • Furpurr

    i wish that someone had cared enough to relay this information to me when i was a teen!!  {or even younger!!!!}  ~  i am glad to say that i DID relay it to my own daughter…who is doing much better with her life than i did with mine.
    THANK YOU for a COMPLETELY truthful & accurate article!!  i just pray that the young ladies who read it also have the good sense {& self-respect} to pay attention!!  8-)

  • Bigbrianw1965

    Thank you for sharing, I want a couple of my nieces to see this and a few girls from are youth. I know as a Father and Uncle I worry so much for are young people God bless you and keep up the great work.

  • Kina


  • Sarahvch

    As a mom of a girl about to turn 14 I just wanted to say Thank You! I am blessed with a wonderful child that I adore and does listen to my advice, however, sometimes advice from someone other than mom is soaked up, at least quicker than mom’s advice. I sent her this link and I hope she visits and absorbs it. I also shared it on Facebook and saw several other mom’s share it. Your children are lucky to have you guiding them through life.

  • Mary

    A friend of mine posted this on FB and I reposted! Excellent advice for girls!!!!

  • Paige Oler

    This is awesome. So true. I really liked the comment about talking about drama. I will definitely pass it along on my blog.

  • Char

    I have a daughter, 12, who is so struggling with how she looks. Silly, since she’s stunning (I don’t think it’s just my bias ;) Anyway, thanks for your words. So much common sense and perspective. Bless you.

  • Kelly

    This just made me cry because it’s so pure and true.  Thank you for putting this “out there”.  My teenager hears this from me but listens better from others.  I’m shoothing her this link in an email right now.  Be blessed!!

  • Jacquie Monique

    That last part made me cry it’s so RIGHT on!  Thanks!

  • Ellspethroberts

    Great comments.  I wish more women and yes teenage girls, realized their worth and it is not about this size of the breasts or behind, but about who they are. 

  • Erik Clausen

    I appreciate you writing this article, as regardless of whether or not I agree with everything you have said, it gives me the opportunity to discuss this with my daughter.  Those talks are worth their weight in gold, and for that I thank you. 
    Disclosure, I am a 36 year old father of a 13 year old amazing daughter.  She love the Lord, and loves me. 
    1.  While I certainly agree with the message, as I’m sure literally EVERY father would, I take issue with the “If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job” comment.  Now to be fair, I have read the comments and you did address this, but I wanted to make the point that this comment comes across as though boys that ogle or chase skirts are somehow “less than” boys that don’t, as if there is such a thing.  And that’s my point, ALL boys see boobs, and chase skirts, it’s the way we were designed.  And it’s not a faulty design.  Of course the amount of thought given to such thoughts and the way with which they address those thoughts, are a separate issue, and I know, given your comments later, that this is your point. I just thought I would bring it up.  Too often, in this society that attempts to emasculate men at every turn in an attempt to basically turn them into women, “boys being boys” is chastised and it’s a misrepresentation of men, boys and their design.
    2.  AGREE.  But that’s merely my opinion :)
    3.  No question.
    4.  OMG, I totes LOL’d.  Girls can be so cray cray.
    5.  sorry about that last one.
    5.  I feel like a better way to putt this would be to say that doing what feels good isn’t always the best thing. 
    6.  SO RIGHT ON.
    7.  I actually think smoking is kinda cool.  But that’s neither here nor there.  I fully enjoy smoking a cigar and occasionally with partake of a cigarette, and I have absolutely no issue with a woman (specifically my wife) doing so either.  Of course smoking can be addictive and I myself had to stop smoking for 10 years.  I have recently been ‘freed’ to smoke, and enjoy doing so occasionally.  I feel like again society has done a wonderful job putting it’s morality on us and teaching us that smoking is not only bad, but wrong.  It’s true that smoke is bad for you.  But so is chocolate cake.  And I refuse to give up chocolate cake, and I rebuke anyone who says it’s bad.  IT WILL BE IN HEAVEN ;)
    8.  This one in particular is sticky for me.  I feel like you should have just left this one out.  This advice is correct, sometimes.  It’s also wrong sometimes.  It’s true that “man looks at the outward appearance”, but also true that “God looks at the heart”.  There are times when the way you act/dress/speak has a direct effect on your impact or perceived value to others, and as such we should take heed to act in a way that is consistent with our values/integrity.  But there are without a doubt times that considering other peoples thoughts about you and taking them to heart is the exact wrong thing to do.  The bigger issue is one of wisdom, not hard and fast rules about something like this. 
    9.  Perhaps my biggest pet peeve in the world.  At least it became so when I had a daughter.  I never thought about it until I saw my beautiful, brilliant, straight A (sometimes ;) ), president of the drama club, perceptive, awesome little girl, act like a complete idiot around a boy that she thought was cute.  Holy crap.
    10.  I actually don’t think the point of media is to denigrate women and to make them feel less than.  The reason you see all of those women in what you see them in is because it works.  It sells.  Of course I don’t like it that way, but it is what it is.  The issue is not that it’s wrong to have “beautiful” women on tv or in ads, it’s the broken grid through which most women perceive it.
    And the way to combat this is exactly what you said, they need to know that they are loved.

    Anyway, thanks again for writing this, my daughter and I will have a wonderful time discussing and spending some quality time together :)

  • Patrick Michael O’Shea

    I have three daughters who are under the age of four.  I am going to save this to give to them when they are older.  Thank you!

  • Dan

    I love your list.  I do have a comment about #1, from a man’s perspective:  your comment is true, but give us men a break!  I love the way my wife is shaped and I like to look at her, but it doesn’t mean I cheat or stare rudely at other women. I think it should be OK to openly admire the body of your S.O.; it doesn’t mean you’re a perv.

    “you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts”

    That would pretty much be every heterosexual man, cad or not!

    Keep Rockin.’

    • Kelly

      I agree with Dan.  Your list is perfect except that I think a healthy balance of sexy (not slutty) attire starting in teenage years is appropriate if the young woman is comfortable with it and not relying on her attractiveness only.  Show ‘em what you got – intelligence, wit, talent, and a hot body!  We are smart enough to quickly walk away from the men who only care about our bodies and/or don’t treat us as a whole person, showing the respect that we all deserve.  My mother tolerated and even encouraged a bit of sex appeal in my clothing as a teen, and it all worked out fine.

  • Barbiekate

    Some good advice for all people. Short sweet and to the point.

  • Kyle James

    I’ll ask the same thing here that I asked on facebook when someone posted a link to this article:

    Why is it that “advice” articles like this to women at large (about respecting themselves, having character and pride) are championed like crazy by the female population…yet young men see almost NOTHING along these lines addressed to them by men who have “been there”?

    Particularly–how to pick out, pursue and attract a quality woman like the one whose picture is painted in this article.  

    I may be “hard wired” to notice boobs and “chase skirts”, but I also know full well that valuing a woman for her body is not gonna lead to a lasting relationship or even a quality short-term one.   I’m not going to fall into that delusion, nor do I want my future son to.  We’re not doing our increasingly emasculated/demonized side of the species any favors when we consistently act as though the ultimate objective among males is to get laid as often and by as many women as possible.

    Where are the words of wisdom and sage advice to the up-and-coming masculine population who actually ARE capable of thinking
    with an organ other than their penis?  

    In my experience, they’re all but non-existent. 

    If I had to postulate a guess, the reasoning is two-fold.  We men probably somehow consider it our form of “rebellion” against the feminist agenda, but in the broader picture it’s likely because time and time again,(for as much as you proclaim the importance of sticking to your values and morals) it’s been shown there’s no advantage to being a nice guy who values a woman for her mind.

    In my experience nice guys finish last and women are, in general, sexually attracted to the wrong kind of guys.  That’s not our fault.  You have shown time and time again what it is you look for in a guy whom you decide to date or hook up with, and in the end, the overwhelming information that comes back is “the a$$hole wins”. 

    • Andria Fisher

      I am sorry you feel this way. But I will say that I am a young woman who was looking for “quality” and found it in my husband. He was/is a gentleman who had and still has HONOR. AND he was a manly man! You can be both! Pleas know that there ARE many women out there who feel just as hopeless ad you in THEIR search for a “nice guy” Don’t give up! Keep looking and you are bound to find each other! =)

  • Doug

    Read this girls!!

  • Anonymous

    Excellent column! Huzzah!

    My teen daughter …ah I remember when my hair wasn’t this gray.

  • Quilly

    Excellent post.

  • Lilraidergirl

    I love this article… I, a teenager, really needed. Though, number 8, I was a little iffy about… Dont know if it was just a rude awakening and intimidating or if I just think it is giving the wrong message.

  • Hjg1098

    I can’t wait to share this with my sister and nieces.  I only have a son, but some of it applies.  Daily, I struggle with body image issues and this was so uplifting.

  • Hallemfink

    That is really good. Take it from me, 13.

    • tjg

      This is really, really good.  Take it from me, 67!!!

  • Caleyashpole

    This is great – I’ll be showing my future kids this link…
    Thank you.

  • Tabi

    Wow…I don’t think this should just be for teenage girls…it’s for every woman out there!!! lOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

  • Moosenut777

    S- This is for u…..
    i feel sorry for u. :( When Judgement Day comes, then truth will be made known to all who scoff at God…

  • Christian mom of 2

    You lay down with dogs, you will get up with fleas… That is something my father told me every single day before I left the house. I as a teenager thought he was just being one of those parents that simply did not understand today’s society… well now I am the parent and have come to realize he knew what he was talking about. I struggle with parents that allow their 10 and 11 yr daughters to dress like they are in their 20′s..  We say we do’t care what people think but we do and we are quick to get hurt when we don’t feel accepted by our peers. I am a Christian woman who does believe that God gave me my husband as a gift. A gift I should cherish not try and change. I am also intelligent enough not to try and bully someone into my way of thinking..

  • Annie


  • John Dobbs

    I think the commenters need to move on to their own blog. As for yours, this is wonderful. It is being shared and a blessing to many people! Thank you!

  • Erodri32

    this is great! but i feel number 5 could be adjusted! How bout ou must first find your heart and who u are before you can follow it.

    • Erodri32

      …and know who to be with!

  • Bjcm78

    This is wonderful advice!

  • Trimble

    Thank you for this post!

  • fucksgivenzero

    I have to disagree with #1.  I really don’t see what’s so offensive about a woman’s chest that she has to cover it up or be chastised for it.  EVERYONE, including men, have “boobs”.  It’s just part of the human body.  I think the problem is not girls being proud of their bodies and showing them off, but [mostly male] society and the media over sexing women’s and girl’s chests and oppressing them to cover themselves up like their bodies are inferior to men’s chests and should be covered up, and teaching young girls that they must be ashamed and cover up.

    • Andria Fisher

      Please see my reply to LisaIb165 above.

  • Gailordes

    Wher was all this great advice when I was growing up!!!!!  LOL Girls listen to this it is great advice. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. God created all of us to be special and unique that is what keeps this world so interesting. Who wants a world full of barbie and ken dolls. LOL

  • Godandlexie

    Thank you for this… I needed it :)

  • Tracyoanh17

    I’m 29 years old and I liked reading what was just listed.  My favorite piece of advice is the “I don’t care what other people think of me”.  I have always admitted that I care about other peoples opinion, and I stuck with it cause that was the true me.  I could have read this when I was 16, or 22, or even 25.  I don’t think this only applies to teenage girls, but women of all ages going through rejection or feeling unwelcome by someone they truly cared or care for.  This advice never goes out of style and never has an expiry date.  Thank you for posting this list of beautiful advice. 

  • Youreallidiots

    Why are all the comments on this article a religious debate? Apparently none of you read the article, you all just want your 15 minutes of fame so you can argue your own beliefs. The person you’re arguing to doesn’t care about you, and thinks you’re an idiot, just as they are themselves for doing their own arguing. Even I am an idiot for wasting the minute it took me to type this, but it had to be said. You are never going to change someone’s mind because you argued a point on an article on the internet. Please stand up, leave your mother’s basement, and get a life.

  • Neil

    A bit man bashing and not an inspiring set of advice, how about:
    - be the best you can be, work on your weaknesses, treat others as you would like to be treated yourself, be tolerant of others, smile at people, listen, think before speaking, work on your weaknesses, get in shape, eat well, have determination, learn, care for others, work on your weaknesses.

  • Kristak1980

    you say that we worship invisible god but the human way is to worship you might not know it but you are worshippping something and it most likely is a false god in your life. YOu could be worshipping money,family, job, car any thing. before commenting sit back and think about it and it is hard for some to believe in god for there is fear or because they want the free will to do what they want and not worry about what happens at the end but who am I to tell you that your right and who are you to put are god down. Yes agree that he is asking God to change his but the real thing is God gives us what’s we need or what the other person needs but because you fear some thing doesn’t give you the right to critizes it.  Just remember it is the human way to worship and we all worship something. 

  • Tvdwmom

    For ALL women! Thank you Kate!

  • commentator

    I thought the idea was to comment on the article, which is beautiful and affirming and just what teenage girls need to hear.  Not rip into each other because they have different beliefs and values to you.  We are all created equal but our paths are so different.

  • Mlriciucci

    Don’t ask if  you are good enough for a guy; ask if a guy is good enough for you…amazing how those words will help you separate the keepers from the losers…

  • Pingback: Reblogged: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls « To Talk of Many Things

  • Cindi Klemm

    Thank you for your very kind and gracious thoughts.  I really enjoyed the message that is being said and feel that our youth really need to hear and feel these words of wisdom as well as my generation as we are all struggling with the need to conform to society’s view of who we should be instead of realizing just how special we are because of who we are.  so Thank you!!

  • Phoenicianflux

    Beautifully written, Kate, I have 2 young daughters & 1 young son, this is an encouraging read to tuck away for the years to come! :)

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls | Kate Conner « sarahjanelives

  • Shawn Mackey

    I have news for Sulda: If you lead a moral and ethical life, you have been influenced by God’s overall plan! I believe there is a higher power; I don’t know who he or she is, or how much this higher power is to blame or credit for how things have turned out in my life, but the fact that I don’t cheat on my wife, steal, or verbally abuse others because they think differently than I, means that I am living my life based on concepts found in the ten commandments. And, since those life strategies are often credited to Jesus Christ and his Father means that deep within me, I believe there is someone or something else responsible for decisions I make. So, Sulda, you may want to re- think your claim to be agnostic-which, based or your post, really isn’t true. One would have to say you are an atheist.

  • Redpumpkin28

    WOW! I just can’t stop reading #10. What powerful, inspiring words for women of ALL ages!! #10 is now printed out very nicely on paper, and will be hung where my daughters and I will be able to read them whenever we please! THANK YOU!! 

  • momofthree

    Beautifully written!!  You are a wise young lady!!  I wish I had known all these things when I was young, but now that I do, I am teaching them to my daughter.  Amen, Sista!!!

  • Karen2001usa

    Thank you for this article. Any teenager just beginning to search for her “identity” could benefit from this advice. Most kids just need a place to start thinking from: and you have given them a wonderful place from which to launch.

  • Lisalb165

    I feel sorry for your daughter, you are teaching her to be ashamed of her attractiveness. It is NOT her fault some boys may find her attractive sexually. Here’s a novel idea: let’s teach boys to be responsible for themselves! If you find a man that doesn’t like to look at girls he is probably gay or (more likely, especially in christian circles) a liar. My husband has developed this amazing ability to look away instead of ogling. It can be done. 

    • Andria Fisher

      @ LisaIb165: But why is it the girl’s “right” to dress in a way that makes your husband feel the need to look away?  Why do her “rights” supersede the right of your husband to walk down the street and look anywhere he wants to without being inundated with boobs falling out of shirts? And for that matter, why is it okay for men to walk around without shirts on? why do their “rights” supersede my right to walk down the street without having to look away out of love and respect for my husband? In our family, everyone is respectful of the rights of everyone else. I am training both of my children, (one is a boy and the other is a girl) to dress modestly. They can be as expressive as they want, wear whatever colors or patterns they want. But “expressing themselves” does not have to mean that they show off enormous amounts of skin to every single person they pass on the street. It’s not about teaching them to be “ashamed” of their attractiveness, but rather to TREASURE the bodies that God gave them, and choose very carefully who will get to “see” that TREASURE rather than splashing that TREASURE all over every person they see, without any discretion.

      • Lisalb165

        Burqas, anyone?

      • Truly S.

         Because we all own our own bodies and we get to choose how to dress them, and it’s up to other people to deal with how that makes them feel?

        “Splash that TREASURE all over every person they see?” Really?

        Yeah, I really don’t know why you don’t dress your daughters in burqas, lest they “splash their treasure” too much.

  • Sean Irwin


  • Jaquilyne

    I think this applies to women of all ages. Sadly many people don’t develop past their teen years. I still see woman in their 30′s & 40′s exhibiting this behavior. Great article

  • Dorothy Distefano

     I’m not sure about a lot of these. This whole post makes me pissy. It feels like “How to Change Yourself So Boys Will Like You”. Fuck that. How about how to be yourself? Only #10 is empowering. The rest is stupid, shitty advice. I have teenagers. They are boys, but we still go through the drama and the attention seeking. It’s puberty and growing up. Big freaking deal. And if my son cared what people thought of him, he probably wouldn’t be a handsome boy with a freaky faux hawk with lines in the side who has a passion for bright red sneakers, physics, his 99.527 average and going to medical school. As for emotion being subject to truth and reason? Emotion is the opposite of reason. That’s where balance comes in. This article sucks ass. I hope teen girls tell you to shove it.

    • Beth Kostecki

      This article is SO clearly over your head.

  • Eden Cook

    I hope you don’t mind me passing this out at our next lunch meeting with a group of teen moms.  This is fabulous.

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls | Kate Conner | Wildman's Hangout

  • Mike

    great stuff…..shared on Facebook and my website…..sounds like me talking to my daughters…..thanks

  • Lstivala411

    This is well said and oh so needed to be heard.  Thank you for writing and sharing this.  I am a mother of a step-daughter who is caught up in all of this.  It is so painful to witness and harder to have her see what is happening.  

  • Joey Nason

    I believed “him” when he said I was stupid
    I believed him when said I was not thin enough
    I believed him when he said I was not good enough
    I believed him when he said I deserved to have my ass beaten
    I believed him when he said no one else would love me with all my “stupid quirks”

    I lived for so long convinced I was useless and never good enough…because I believed what a boy told me…and how others had made me feel not feel like I was not good enough.

    I began to believe in my self…that I am beautiful, smart, funny, independent, and a wonderful, loving woman…

    I believe that it is better to not believe the cruel things people want you to believe….m
    I believe these people believe themselves to actually be the ones who believe they are not good enough, pretty enough, useless, and stupid…anyone who truly believes in themselves would never make anyone feel so horrible.

  • Tom Holste

    Awesome and well-said!

    #5 is a particularly good point. You could write a whole article just on that.

  • Sara

    You realize that in your picture we can see your breasts, right?  Why are you showing us your breasts?  Don’t you respect yourself?

  • Dona Stone

    I love this!!  Am sharing this with my 13 year old.  

  • Bethany Suckrow

    I know a few 20, 30 and 40 somethings that need to know these things, too, and even on occasion, I need this reminder. I so appreciate your boldness. :)

  • Leslie Goldstraw

    That was SOOO well said! Congratulations for having the courage to stand up & speak your mind, & bravo for doing it so well!

  • Othercyde

          This really speaks to me as a person who was once a “user” of women that eventually fell in love and married the woman who got not my attention but my respect. Now I have a baby daughter and I want her so much to be like her mother. She won me over with her passion for where she wanted to go in life, and her wit and her self assurance and skills.

          I saw and still see so many beautiful young women who think they will find love through pretending to be an image that men would find attractive. No matter how much I would find them attractive in the beginning, I could never make it stick because ultimately what they ultimately offered was a reflection of me. I want my daughter to read this when she’s old enough and I hope I can find a tactful way to say to her that it is RESPECT, above all else that will be the tell tale sign of the right man someday.

          Men,  just like women, want someone who will enrich their lives, open their eyes to things they don’t know, and enhance their world. I think society is guiding so many young women off course for the reasons you articulated so well. It’s an industry based on selling you the things you need to make you ENOUGH, when the truth is you are enough without any of it. Thank you for writing this.

    • guest

      Beautifully said.

  • Arlene Southam

    As the mother of 6 daughters, I have to say I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this wisdom!  Thank you.

  • Martha Ostergar

    Great list, I especially like 10. But I don’t necessarily agree with number 8. I suppose caring will curb some bad or anti-social behavior in some ways, but it really isn’t any of your business what other people think of you, because there is not a blessed thing you can do about it. People will make up their minds about you based on their realities no matter what you do. At the end of the day you have to feel good about your decisions in the context of what you want out of life, not if those decisions made other people think better of you. 

    I’m not arguing that reputation doesn’t matter or that physical appearance–the clothes you choose to wear, the make up use, the company you keep–won’t influence opinions of those around you, I’m saying that what other people think of you is based on their perspective and their reality, which may have nothing to do with your reality.

  • Weirdgirlcreations69

    I would also like to add that feeling a need to consume alcohol or use drugs to have a good time is not cool.  Alcohol and drugs don’t change your situation or circumstances.  Learn at an early age to socialize substance free.

    • Kate Conner

      Learn at an early age to socialize substance free.”  That’s a great way to say it!  It comes from a place of self-confidence, people skills, a sense of humor, learning how to articulate your thoughts without “needing” your inhibitions lowered, and the inner strength to think/make choices for yourself.  Thanks for sharing!

  • Jeff

    Well….As far as issue number one goes-there are more reasons girls are attractive than just their face.  You might as well follow that up the reason guys like to look at your legs is to look up your skirt.
    Most of us fall in love, get married, and have kids.  How do you think it gets to that point?
    Just because that’s an attractive part of you doesn’t mean the guy is a pervert.  Stupid advice.

    Number nine:  Aside from number one, how do you think I fell in love and got married?  Someone needed ME.

    • Truly S.

       Are you honestly saying the only kind of woman you could have married is one who told you she was helpless without you to carry her things? Are you a husband or an errand boy? Or is it that your ego is so fragile that you couldn’t have married an equal, you had to find yourself someone inferior to marry who couldn’t make it through life without you? Give me a relationship of equals any day, in which both spouses need each other, instead of one with a dependent wife boosting the ego of her gotta-feel-superior husband.

  • Rainbowlady

     While I agree that wearing shirts that expose
    your boobs will attract attention from boys/men, is that the fault of
    the girl? It’s the men who sexualize everything who need to change their
    attitudes. We have to stop saying “Boys will be boys” and letting them
    get away with objectifying the female form. Girls should be able to walk
    shirtless down a street just like men do and attract just as much
    attention as most men do….I also disagree with “You should care what other people think of you”. Reputation is one thing. But I don’t care if people think I dress like a slob when I’m at the grocery store.  I don’t care if people think I’m crazy cause I stick straws up my nose in a restaurant to amuse a child. I don’t care if people think I’m too fat or have too many wrinkles or haven’t plucked my eyebrows for ages….The reputation I care about hasn’t anything to do with appearances. It has to do with character. And character has nothing to do with appearance.I absolutely agree 100% with your part about advertising and fashion and television and pornography. They all objectify women. Go through any “women’s magazine” and see how many ads are aimed at telling women that they aren’t good enough the way they are (hair dyes, fingernail polish, makeup, perfume, diet aids, clothes, feminine hygiene,  etc.) or that they’re not worth anything without a man (how to keep your man happy, how to get your man and keep him once you do, how to keep him interested after marriage….) And these are supposed to be magazines that SUPPORT women. I’d hate to see the ones who don’t support women….

    • Beth Kostecki

      You’re missing the point. Your character IS the reputation she’s referring to. Too many people use the rationale of “I don’t care what people think of me” to excuse bad behavior.

    • Nonnie2x

      You obviously don’t know how men are made. They are motivated by the visual. It is part of their physiology. So, if a woman walks down the street shirtless, even men who are not drooling dogs in any other situation would be hard pressed not to stare/ogle. It would get their juices flowing to say the least. Of course they would need to control themselves but you can’t deny the way they are wired. If there are boobs being flashed in their faces all the time, some men will choose not to control their impulses.  And personally, as a woman I don’t want boobs flashed in my face all the time in public either. Just sayin….

      • Truly S.

        Please.  That’s evolutionary psychology bullshit that assumes men have no control over staring at women because it’s just “how we’re wired.” Not true. You DO have control. Maybe you feel you would be “hard pressed”…but YOU CAN DO IT. TRY IT. It can be done. You are responsible for your own impulse control–”choosing” not to control it is to “choose” not to be an adult, and that doesn’t go over too well, nor does the excuse “I’m just wired that way.” One more thing: your “boobs being flashed in my face” may be merely a woman’s attempt to wear comfortable clothes…or she just may have large breasts and not be able to unscrew and remove them whenever she’s not in the mood to be ogled by you. Grow up.

  • Jan

    Quite simply, I love this.

  • Patricia Bailes

    She who hath ears , LISTEN!!!!!

  • LM

    This whole post in itself seems like one giant complaint instead of actual advice, simply based on the note it started off with.   If you want to give advice – you do it in “Do’s” not in “Don’t's”  — Truth be told – no teenager is going to read this and think “Wow this is great advice!” – everything changes and moves onward… the entire world has issues.  Always has, always will.

  • SpellCheck

    On number 8. you meant to say first off not first of. 

  • 7171imre

    Hopefully we can get it together and stop making 75 per cent of what a man makes for doing the same job. My advice, work hard in high school and be pretty later. (in university). Always make your own income, so that tou are not dependent on a man in your relationship. Equal terms and confidence make for a strong beautiful woman. Well, YOU look for it in a man dont you?

  • Boldwandering

    This is wonderful advice for women and girls of all ages.

  • Kimbell38

    Wow!  Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.  #10 made me cry because I know those things to be true, and I hope everyone else who reads this does, too.

  • Bryan Slick

    Six things to tell you…

    1. Not all women who choose to wear “revealing” clothing are objectifying themselves. What you may consider to be objectifying may just be comfortable to someone else.

    2. Not all men who appreciate an attractive woman dressed to show off her physical attributes care only about her appearance, or even primarily about her appearance. 

    3. A look or look back is a compliment, even two looks back can be a compliment (the “wow” response)… turning and staring is ogling/objectifying. Learn the difference, please.

    4. It’s a sad state of affairs when someone posts absolute statements like it being a bad idea to follow your heart. Sometimes, the *only* good thing to do is what feels right… that’s following your heart, ma’am.

    5. Your reputation is built by what you think of yourself and what others think based on same. If you guide your life by others’ opinions with your own self-respect playing second fiddle, you’re living your own life by someone else’s rules and judgement. That’s awful.

    6. You should heed your own advice. Live your life and offer your opinions, but don’t presume to preach at others about how they live theirs. Do you really think that your diatribe is much more than a transparent way of elevating yourself above those upon whom you look, those who haven’t lived their lives according to your “Ten Things”?

    • Truly S.

       I like YOUR advice better than the original advice!

    • hmmm

      Thank you thank you thank you. Finally someone said it.

    • Nicole

      I think it’s easy for you to look down on the writer and try to educate her according to your misinterpretation of what she wrote. She didn’t compose a dissertation but tried to capture the attention of teenagers (which we all know can be fleeting.) You clearly do not know her personally or you would never assume that she is looking down on someone. I won’t engage in a back and forth with you about this, but I will firmly say that Kate Conner is a very loving person and would never judge someone or be malicious to someone for not living these things out. She’s the kind of person that can take all of these negative comments and know with confidence that she meant these things to be communicated because she truly does care. If only everyone could know the writer. She is truly remarkable. I wish her words weren’t taken out of context or misread.  She likely wrote these as result of having lived them out herself or having befriended someone who has…and was there with that friend through it all.

  • Mom

    If only more teenage girls would read and believe in this. Also that their Mothers would instill this in them. I have a daughter, she is 22 a Staff Sgt, Crew Chief on the F-16 stationed in S Korea with the United States Air Force. I raised her to believe in herself and that she can do anything she sets her mind to. Her happiness and state of mind are her choice not anyone elses. Needless to say she just got off a three week vacation in Australia for her 22nd birthday that she paid for herself. She scuba dived off the Great Barrier Reef, she white water rafted and walked about with the Kangaroos.  She has sky dived and rock climbed…if only there were shows on TV about young women who are successful because THEY made the right choices to get them there.

    Girls set your goals and make the choices that will help you to obtain them…it will be well worth it!

  • Jessica Patay

    This is fantastic and I will save this till my 6 year old is a tween or teen and then paint it in BOLD CAPS on her bedroom wall!! Thank you for this fantastic piece of truth!

  • Aubrie Bird

    Ohhh #5……I gave someone that advice when I was a teenager and I totally regret it now because that person listened and I don’t know if they are happy with that decision, I highly doubt they are. Your heart is not the same at 18 as it is at 28. Follow your MAMA’s advice not your heart!Or your stupid teenage friends for that matter… I would say use your brains and common sense but at that age you really don’t have any…

    Great Post! I loved 9 & 10 too although they all are great!

  • Guest

    I would add a #11 to the list: Men are not the enemy. 

    Despite what society repeats ad nauseum, men are not universally stupid, useless, loafers, lazy, sloths, or sex-crazed fiends. They are the other half of our species. And they are distinctly (and purposefully) different from us. Men need to be needed and wanted. They need to slay dragons and occasionally beat their chests and crow. They need to compete and talk big and prove they’re top dog. They need to be loved. They fear and hurt and love just as women do. They have joys and sorrows. They have desires and goals.  They need to know they are important, just as women do. Don’t try to make them act like women – they’re not programmed that way, any more than you are programmed to act like a man. Let a gentleman be a gentleman, and make sure you’re woman enough to allow it with grace and true gratitude. (And if a man is not a gentleman to you, then you’re not required to respect him as such. Feel free to clock him one in the face if he crosses the line from rude to threatening.)

    • Katherine


    • Ree

      “Men need to be needed and wanted. They need to slay dragons and occasionally beat their chests and crow. They need to compete and talk big and prove they’re top dog. They need to be loved. They fear and hurt and love just as women do. They have joys and sorrows. They have desires and goals.  They need to know they are important…”

      All of these things describe women as well.  Men are not fundamentally different from women–if you buy into that, you buy into a lot of other gender essentialist garbage as well.  Men *and* women are people first and foremost, with much more in common than is different.  Beyond anatomy, most of the rest is societal shaping, and adjusting to that pressure.

      • Joysmit60

        Did you not read where she said “just as women do”? I agree with some of what you say, but total disagree with some, too! Men and women are not alike! Just because we have the a lot of the same instincts and needs, doesn’t mean we’re “wired” alike! And thank goodness for that! Most men approach things from a totally different perspective than women. When we realize that and accept it, we can get along so much better. Gender can be just gender, the fact that there are differences can be good, not garbage! I do agree that we have lots in common, but I don’t believe the rest is “societal shaping”. I know you can’t really compare the animal world to humans, but can you see the differences between the behavior of the males an females in that world.

  • Diannas727

    This has some very interesting views…. makes one think alot, Thanks

  • Morgan Blois


  • Jared Lee Davis

    I think it is important to be independent, but don’t be afraid to accept help or kindness and conversely don’t be afraid to give help and support.  Supporting others builds on itself, creates a more and more functional relationship. 

    You should have added this to the article:  Girls, if you ever go on dates, make sure you run the boy through an interview with dad after he forgets to shave for a weekend and pulls out his shot-gun for a loving cleaning session, discussing the CONSERVATIVE maximum effective range of Double-Ought Buckshot and Plugs….as well as the order you load the rounds in the magazine (IE Buckshot, Buckshot, Plug Plug) with the prospective suitor.  Remind dad to twitch every once in a while during the interview.  It helps to enhance the gentlemanly qualities of a teenage boy.  ;)

  • Sweetievogeler

    TThis is exactly what i needed to hear! Thank you for your encouraging words. Some people need that right about now. Especially those who tell you to stfu about God and your an idiot. If you don’t want to here don’t read the blog that simple. Thank you for you words. I will pass them on.

  • A.J.Dub

    AMEN!!! This really applies to any woman no matter the age. 

  • fjdklsajdskg

    Please, please, PLEASE do not tell teenage girls that it’s their fault if men look at their breasts. Your advice in #1, if not qualified, implies exactly this, a close cousin to the idea to blaming a woman for rape because “she asked for it.” The only way to entirely keep men from checking out your breasts is to wear a burqa. If we tell our girls this, we tell them to be ashamed of having a female form. I can’t think of many worse ways to cultivate a healthy self-image (which is clearly your goal here). Perhaps your point could be better framed as the need to teach girls to dress appropriately for different contexts. For example, if you’re going to work or school, don’t show cleavage; that’s for the bedroom or a date with your spouse. But we should also teach them that even if you’re dressed appropriately for the context, men may still look… it’s not your fault, and you should be able to tell the difference between a harmless look (which should be blown off) and more aggressive and threatening behaviors (which should be dealt with in a manner appropriate to the situation).

    Moreover, we also have to teach our boys how to behave around women.

    • Truly S.

       Hear, hear! One of the worst things we do is teach girls that they are responsible for how boys behave around them from a sexual standpoint. They are NOT. They run the risk of being ogled if they wear a potato sack! What we need to do is do a better job of teaching boys responsibility…to say to them that they are in control of their ENTIRE bodies, including that thing between their legs…it may SEEM to have a mind of its own, but it doesn’t…that’s just reflexes…what they actually DO with it and BECAUSE of it, or because of anything else, is entirely within their control to regulate…they should NOT hand the responsibility off to girls and women.

  • Kendra Lovelace Kramer

    I wish I could hang this up at every high school and middle school!!!  Now that I am older, I know that everyone is true!!!

  • Judy Grinder

    Like in the movie “The Help”–”You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important.”  The grammar may be lacking, but the truth is not.

    • Kate Conner

      Oh my, you are right.  I cry every time!  Excellent book and movie.  :)

  • Babygem02amari

    Lol but yet teenage girls after hearin this would still not get it:-)

  • Pat Simpson

    This is absolutely fantastic and should be required reading for every single girl/woman/on the planet!!!!  Thank you for sharing!

  • Annekam711

    my mom sent me this and you no what all of this is true. I love her to death!!

  • Sjohnson18

    wow this is a really good thing but the first one is wierd but is so very true so many girks will do that………….

  • Pingback: Advice For My Teen Daughters

  • Mike

    I think people that have all this stupid crap on their minds simply have an inferior complex. Too much inner self drama dont you think. Now… can u figure out who i am

  • Inuyasha

    Some points in this post I agree with some I don’t. It seems as if you’re saying that women need to cover themselves up and that showing skin is shameful. I disagree because it’s not the womans fault if guys can’t keep their eyes to themselves. And telling girls that certain things are bad because not everyone approves of them is telling them that they have to act a certain way to please the masses.

  • Iswim1960

    These are all true statements, #6.  Should be amended to never let anyone make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being.   Some women can be just a cruel or worse as men.   #2.  Should also include wear sunscreen.  I have had skin cancer 4 times and was lucky to catch it very early.  I never went to a tanning bed but baked in the sun like a lizard on a rock.  and Guess what my skin now looks like a lizard on a rock!  :(

  • Lucasfam5

    What. Great comments. #10 is my favorite.

  • Bndcutkomp

    This is absolutely perfect. Every woman should hear this. Love it.

  • beentheredonethat

    Well said!  As of the mother of three grown daughters, the only thing I would add is “If a boy -be it a boy friend or friend that’s a boy- treats you badly, has a temper, makes you feel less than what God created you….RUN, don’t walk!  No, you cannot change their behavior, no you cannot ‘fix’ it, no you are not at fault for their lack of respect for you nor can you change it yourself.”

  • Kelly Calteaux Carboni

    Awesome, I read this with 2 teenage girls who completely agree with you, one of which is my daughter. Obviously I am instilling good values in my daughter.

  • Amy Deming

    this is wonderful advice for all women! LOVE

  • Bronsonsgirl2008

    I have 3 teenage daughters and a toddler daughter this says what I want them to KNOW. My 10 year old son needs to know these things too to know what to stay away from and what kind of man to be when he’s older!

  • Lauriew20

    I respect what you’re saying here, but at the same time, it comes across like you’re beating up on teenage girls and a lot of their antics. We women do that often, almost as a way of making ourselves appear better or more attractive in the eyes of men. How can we preach about being “good enough” while still belittling the things that a lot of girls do? Seems counterproductive. I would like to see you post something called “Ten Things I Love About Teenage Girls”. If you trying to build their confidence, wouldn’t that be more effective?

  • Cara

    Great advice for sure!   I work with teenage girls everyday and they need to hear truth! 

  • Jenn

    I’ve decided that all those new mothers that claim how wonderful and great it is are either liars  or stupid.  Just to make the rest of us that are stressed, sweaty, sleep deprived and walking around perpetually with spit up on our clothes feel really bad about ourselves!  My real/honest friends always admit how truly hard new motherhood can be.  
    I also cannot believe how aggressive some women are about breastfeeding (see some of the comments below).  I was physically unable to breastfeed (I NEVER got ANY milk) and you would not believe the remarks I got from women (and men!) about giving my child a bottle.  I’ve been accused of making excuses and not trying hard enough!  My sister had the same problem with two of her four children.  
    Why as women can’t we be more supportive of each other?

  • Amber

    I think #1 should also include words on your butt. It disturbs me when I see teens and little girls wearing these pants.

  • Guest

    I don’t see anybody ripping on boys for their stupid low hanging pants situation.

    • Kate Conner

      Only because this was written to teenage girls, not because the young men don’t need reminding!  :)

  • Sanernnj

    Most well stated advice to young women I have read in a very long time. Thanks!!

  • Nina

    Disgusting. Way to blame the female rather then having everyone take responsibility for their behavior. If men can see breasts they will stare so be uncomfortable and dress in loose unflattering clothes so men wont stare. I have a large chest and have since I was 13 no matter how large a shirt men stared. But apparently that was my fault. You suck.

    • KLW

       Nina – she is refering to girls who show off boobs to get attention, not at all saying girls with big boobs or flattering clothes. Please read it again.

  • Pingback: Middle School Matters » Blog Archive » MSM 200: In Conjunction With AMLE . . .

  • Audrey Ann Bennett

    Beautiful post.

  • Heidi P.

    Wow, that is awesome. Thank you thank you thank you.

  • Rob in Halifax

    This is all great advice but giving the list to a teenage girl is about 10 years too late. These attitudes (loving one’s self), needs (requiring male validation) and propensity to make poor, short-term decisions (tanning, smoking) are all well in-place by the teen years. 

    A more timely list would be ’10 Ways in Which We Parents/Caregivers Should Model and Encourage Desired Attitudes and Behavior’ to our PRE-school girls (or boys for that matter). 
    (1) Compliment your daughter’s intelligence and imagination more than her appearance
    (2) Encourage your daughter to respectfully question your decisions or behavior and, admit when you are wrong and apologize 
    (3) Male partners are always utterly respectful to their female partners – this goes both ways of course 
    (4) Male partners never exercise or impose their physical size dominance over their partners 
    (5) Always encourage their efforts more than their results
    (6) Obviously, do not engage in (that is, model) self-destructive behavior like heavy drinking, smoking, poor eating, etc. 
    (7) Encourage girls to be physical – sports and other activities. Physical confidence boosts inner confidence 
    (8) Encourage passions of any kind – a daughter involved in soccer, piano or debating has less time to be hyper-concerned about attention from boys 
    (9) Expose girls to other strong women role-models when-ever possible – fire-fighters, astronauts, Tae kwon-do black belts, etc. 
    (10) Observe and discuss public images of girls and women that the ‘consumerist machine’ push in our faces each and ever day. Teach them that so much advertising is designed to first make you unhappy with yourself, and second, provide the easy solution. 
    Obviously there are many more ways this can be done.

  • Allen Palmer


  • Allen Palmer

    Great counsel for girls of all ages.

  • Grammar Police

    In #3, the word “of” NEVER follows “myriad” – otherwise, brilliant list!

  • KentuckyColonel

    You should probably add no more cock teasing.  Back in July of 2005 a young chick who I knew was easy offered me a blowjob for a ride to the bar.  Now of course I initially thought she was full of it but after grinding her short skirt all over me, talking seductively and then flat out grabbing my package, I went ahead and drove her to the bar.  I forget the exact details but I do remember not getting the blowjob and her walking away chuckling.  I still feel like I should have some kind of legal recourse because I felt completely degraded and taken advantage of, which is more than enough cause to get the average man in America in hot legal water.  

    • Gdfgfdgd

      are you serious because this is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever read and is worthy of being posted on reddit. good job

  • Electra @ Vanilla Bean Lean

    WOW. This is an absolutely inspiring post. Not only for teenagers, but for women of all ages. Thank you so much for sharing!

  • Donna

    I few comments about number one. Even she  doesn’t her man can do this. This is what is taught to him as exceptable behavior not about her. Loved 2 and 3. Number 4 is right on. Number 5, yes to a point only works if you use your brain together. Perfect advice for 6, 7 and 8. With 9 I see more parents create that “little princess” into adulthood. Please stop. Number 10 perfect. Now for top 10 for boys.

  • Anonymous

    Batting your eyelashes does not all of a sudden make you a worthless woman. I bat my eyelashes to my fiance and I run my household….Im a mother. I’m a strong, independant, woman. Who can use her pretty eyes to convince my fiance to do stuff when i dont want to… I think balance is the key… If you ALWAYS use looks to get what you want, you aren’t being a grown up. But when you do it rarely or on occasion, it wont kill you. Being cute is not a crime….

    • KLW

       Anon – this post is about teenage girls batting their eyelashes to get attention from teenage boys…this has nothing to do with older women and their partners.

  • Anonymous

    It doesn’t make you worthless, it does make you manipulative.  Women who use sex or the possibility of sex to get what they want are terrible people and I believe there should be legal consequences for it.  

    • Anonymous

      I never said I batted my eyelashes for sex. Or to imply I’ll be giving sex. I bat my eyelashes cuz it makes my man get all giddy. Im not manipulating him, I’m reminding him how cute I am, while possibly getting him to buy me a chocolate bar or something stupid and small.

  • TchrMomFox

    I teach a family life unit to 6th grade girls.  Guess what?  This will be included!

  • Johnt

    Thanks Kate!
    As a father of a 16 year old daughter, I love this.
    You have 2 new fans.

  • Emily

    To any boy who reads this:

    I’ve grown up an only child, but all my friends had brothers. I grew up playing a nurse while the boys played war. I grew up being the maiden and being rescued by the knights. I grew up believing that boys protected the girls while the girls got to care for the boy’s needs… and I loved it. I grew up with boys holding doors for me and offering me a chair. Call me old fashioned, but I love when boys act like gentleman. 
    I want a man that will respect me, not my body. I want a man who looks at my heart instead of my face. I want a man who can look at me in a t-shirt and jeans, with no make-up and my hair a complete mess and see me a beautiful. 

    I love to have one of you offer to carry my stuff, even if I can carry it myself. But I’m not going to play wimpy if you don’t; I will more than willingly carry it myself. Unless, of course, I actually can’t carry it myself… please turn around and notice that I’m struggling to carry 2 lawn chairs, 2 huge bottles of soda, and a bag of hotdog buns, while balancing a plate of cookies on top of everything. While walking downhill. You’re carrying one wimpy little lawn chair. The least you can do is grab the cookies…

    Understand that I’m not perfect, and that I don’t expect you to be either. Don’t lie to me, or act like you are. I don’t want a fake. Yeah, you have faults. I do too. You’ll cover mine and I’ll cover yours.

    Don’t try to make me different than I am – respect me for who I am, and don’t expect me to be more. God made me the way he wanted me, and it takes us girls a while to get that… don’t be trying to change me!

    Understand that I don’t get you. You like to shoot guns and play video games and get dirty. I like to play dress up and have tea parties. You and I are completely different, even if we have the same interests (music, sports, etc.). So, understand that I’m trying to figure out, just like you’re trying to figure me out.

    Now then, to close…

    Jeremiah 6:15 “Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush. So they will fall among the fallen; they will be brought down when I punish them,” says the LORD.” This verse speaks of Israel, but it is so fitting of our culture today. A people that has forgotten how to blush.

    My favorite song is “Blush” by the Annie Moses Band; my favorite part goes: “Does it seem a silly dream played back in Black and White? Pearls and gloves and hymns of love, and lines of wrong and right. Well, let’s hush the cynic for just a minute and let the dreamers dare to dream of love that never fails… oh, won’t you take me there? When hands were gentle, and words were kind, and love could wait a long, long time. When private matters held their hush. And grooms were gallant, and brides would blush”.

    So, Prince Charmings everywhere, keep yourself for the girls who remember how to blush. Be our gallant knights in shining armor!

    • Emily

      Oh, and one more thing… if you REALLY want to flatter me, don’t tell me I’m pretty. Offer your chair to an elderly person when there is standing room only. Offer to watch your younger siblings. Take time for others. Be kind. Be gentle. Be courteous. Show me you’re character – because words fade and are forgotten, but your actions… those I will remember.

  • C. Allyn Pierson

    I would add one more comment: Try to keep your sense of humor- no one gets through life without embarrassment, disappointment, or the making of foolish decisions.  A sense of humor can help you keep these things in perspective and realize that they are just little blips on the radar of life

  • Anonymous

    I always want to tell teenage girls to not have a serious boyfriend until at least sophomore year in college. This is one piece of advice no one gave me. Had a woman I respected told me this, and had I then taken her advice, it would have changed my life.

  • Lalunalcs


  • Sharon Kapeluck

    Excellent words of advice!!!!!!

  • Angele Navares

    Thank you for this well-written, truth-filled, no-nonsense blog post!  

  • motherofgirls

    I am a 12 year old girl who is using my moms computer and i just want to say that i agree with all of the ten things to know. The reason why is because  a lot of girls think that they are not good enough or they are not pretty enough but they are and what really matters is what is in the inside not the out. God loves us the way we are and he sees in all of the girls hearts that they are beautiful no matter what they look like on the out. I think that the inside matters and not the out. One thing Iwish is that all girls would just look inside their heart and I hope if they do they would find beauty. I wish that for all girls.

  • Pingback: Reblog: Ten things I want to tell teenage girls « Mark Unleashed

  • 123

    seven things i would like to tell teenage girls: 7..1…9…4…7…7…  — i won’t finish my phone number,  ‘i kid, i kid’

    • Kate Conner

      Ha ha!  Awesome.

  • ME!

    wow …. firts of all – yea i dont care about wat other ppl think about me, becuz i have a good repu. and the ones who talk sh!t about me are the one who care. THIS IS SO MISLEADING 

  • Anditwasgood

    I frequently want to tell scantily clad teenagers that there is a difference between attractive and convenient.

  • Jwzg

    This is pure “win”.

  • LilliPage

    Sorry, but I really do not care what people think of me. I’m a little on the bigger side. The only time I don’t wear my pajamas/sweats in public is when I go to a fancy restaurant. It’s a rare occasion to see me with more than a cammy top on and my hair is always simply thrown in a bun. ALWAYS. My house slippers are my favorite shoes and I wear them everywhere. The only make up I wear is a tad of eyeliner. If I got a sit, I let it shine until its ready to go away. I sometimes get odd looks and I don’t care. I have a bit of a bitchy attitude and a smart mouth, and sometimes I’m quite nice. I’m 18 years old and I’m not worried about my reputation. I have plenty of friends and if they didn’t like me for how I look or act I really don’t care. I don’t need a perspective shift, either. This is the only problem I had with this piece. The rest was pretty damn good.

  • maggie

    how about 10 things to tell and teach young boys and teen boys about young women and girls? they need to start stepping up and being respectful young men and encouraging this in society and among their friends.  behavior change doesn’t happen from just one gender.

  • Allyeeee

    you are beautiful just the way you are???? Mmmm wish that were true! all this moralising is quite sickening and a load of BS. FFS get real things are not going to be any different for women saying a bunch of crap like above so fkn cliché! You’ll all be saying God made us the way we are for a reason! try telling that to the millions of physically and cognitively impaired people who are abused everyday. Yeah thanks God…great plan! 

  • Allyeeee

    Oh and BTW if looks are not THAT important why put a photo of a very attractive woman showing a bit of cleavage who is slim and tanned???? where’s the short overweight spotty girl with specs and hairy legs!!! PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH it might be a bit mor believable then. FFS!

  • Dg48hughes

    I think these items are good for even adult women!!!

  • Truly S.

    Your advice is contradictory. In some of it, you advise girls not to play helpless for boys and not to worry about their looks, and in another part of it you tell them they’re responsible for what kind of boys they attract based on how they dress. You advise them to cover up parts of their bodies, lest they prove too irresistible to boys, who (apparently) can’t be expected to even attempt to control themselves. You saddle girls with the responsibility for how men behave.

    • Allyeeee

      Best thing said yet! Its about time boys and men were given advice on how to respond and how to behave with girls and women. Always look to women to change!  its not our fault men cant control their urges and behaviour!

  • A Male Feminist Ally

    Ladies: Ignore numbers 1 and 6 on this list. I say this because:

    1. Men will look at your boobs no matter what. It is not up to you to cover up and try to make sure they don’t. This piece of advice feeds directly into rape culture, wherein the victim of sexual assault or rape is blamed for her own attack because she was “asking for it” with the way she was dressed. The only reason a person will experience this is because they had the awful luck of being in the presence of the perpetrators of such crimes. In fact, most attacks like that happen in the home and are against women who are covered from head to foot. You can both wear low-cut tops AND have self-respect.

    2. Not all women are “emotional being”. That is misogynistic thinking and also quite misandrist. Men should be allowed to express emotion as much as they wish, just as women should be allowed to express emotion without being demonised. If you believe women can’t be prime enforcers of misogyny on eachother, just think about how many times you’ve heard women tell eachother not to eat something because it’s “bad” and will make them gain weight.

    As for the rest… it’s good advice.

  • Lisa

    I love this! I shared on my personal and professional Facebook pages and with my teen-age daughter. Thank you!!!

  • Epellette

    Well said… thanks for this.. I am sharing it with all the young woman I know

  • scorpio83

    Wish I had this when I was younger no one ever told me such things but good thing I have made myself into a strong independent. Woman with a wonderful man that respects me even when I’m am emotional female lol

  • A Santiago8384

    This is sooo true!!!

  • Mary

    one of my top favorite blog posts ever! I might add this list could benefit some grown up women as well.

  • Marc06rules

    You sshould also add be respectful of other women and recognize their intelligence. Dont gossip that they got the promotion because they slept with the boss. I ses this too often. :-(

  • Gng

    Very well put.

  • Lisa Lucero

    Thank you.  This is so eloquent and true.  More girls need to read this and take everything you’ve said to heart. 

  • Elvis456

    So what are your words of advice for teenage boys? I appreciate the post, but I think we focus a bit too much on what girls should or should not do without trying to offer similar advice for boys. “Boys will be boys” should not be accepted as some universal truth. Boys should be raised to know that looking down women’s shirts is unacceptable and inappropriate behavior. Boys should be told to respect women and to treat them how they would want to be treated. Boys should be taught not to scrutinize women’s bodies and not to place too much value on what the media would have us believe about what women are supposed to look like and how they’re supposed to act. And boys should be instructed on how to stand up to their peers who may talk in a derogatory manner toward women. I could go on…

  • Erin

    I apologise for the formatting issues. The copy paste from my word programme didn’t work very well.

  • Emilys Nelson

     If more people would read this then they would understand  that they dont have to be the prettiest or the coolest or even the smartest to be loved by the ones that they love. 

  • Debbiepapac

    This is GREAT! Not just for teenagers either..girls, women, all ladies read and believe. God does not make mistakes ever.

  • Chloe Richter

    I love this post! It’s so true. Thanks for posting this. 

  • V Shorey

    Why don’t we ever say a guy is slutty? Why are men excused and allowed to think a woman is asking for sex if her skirt is a little short? Maybe she liked a pretty fabric or pattern and wasn’t focused on the length. If a guy puts on tank top and shorts in the middle of a hot summer is he asking for sex, or trying to cool off and feel comfortable? Lets be honest and admit that the amount of visible skin is not an appropriate way to evaluate a womans willingness to have sex. If she isn’t saying with words that she wants to have sex, and she isn’t kissing and making out and taking her clothes off with you then it really shouldn’t matter what she is wearing. Religion needs to stop telling people that men are allowed to think of women this way at all. We are all human and sexual beings and spiritual beings. Even if we all walked around naked we would still be expected to use respectful behavior with one another. It is modern society, religion, and media that is selling us this idea that skin equals permiscuity and it is all wrong.

  • Chrissy

    Don’t judge by religion. So it’s god-oriented? It’s all good advice, worth following the same, Christian or not.

    • Mila

      I totally agree.

  • hunnybee

    Wish I would have known #6 before I got married…

  • Guest

    My problem with #1 (and much of the discussion) is that a lot of the fault is being placed on us as young women/girls. Our male peers are getting the exact same messages we are. I never dressed provocatively and still got leered at. I am not the problem. Clothing is not the problem. The message that women are sex objects is the problem.

  • Geoff Matthews

    Thank you for writing this. 

  • Beverly Hand


  • Patraugust

    Well said…..

  • yourstruly

    1) please see photo
    5) When I wasn’t following my heart I suffered from severe depression. Having someone tell me that it was ok to be me, follow my heart and do what I want helped get me out of it. God gave me desires for a reason, as long as I wasn’t hurting myself or anyone there was no reason not to follow them.
    8) When I cared what people thought of me I had a life-threatening eating disorder

    Some of your advice was good. Other advice was ill-worded. Use a little more wisdom next time.

  • Samomax

    I’m going to have my 13 year old daughter read
    this.. Very wise words

  • Stephen Hoffman

    Katie Conner, you are awesome!  I wish more girls knew this and I am so grateful that my bride already did when we met!  Keep up the sage advise!

  • Leona Joy

    # 1 makes you sound like an asshole

  • Pingback: inspired : 4.1.12 | beka stays

  • Pingback: lamiki » Blog Archive » Sunday Serial: Rules for Teenagers, Entrepreneurs & Goal Setters

  • Joe Hamilton

    1, 5, 9, and 10 are fundamentally untrue in “all” cases. Perhaps in some, but definitely not all.

    1) The % of nice, faithful and loving  “Single” men who stare at women’s boobs is 100%. 
    You are backward and blind if you think differently.

    5) Follow your heart is the only motto you should live your life by. I understand that most teenage girl’s hearts are being heavily influenced by hormones, but if we drill in to them not to follow it at a young age they won’t follow it when they are older.

    9) There is absolutely nothing wrong with playing coy. Don’t act stupid or useless, but coy is sexy.

    10) While I realize this is difficult to hear not all people, women included, are enough. Those who are not “smart” or “beautiful” enough may attempt to improve their lacking quality.  Those who neither smart nor beautiful end up on “people of Walmart” ;)

  • Year4500

    I love it! Thank you so much for putting in one post what I tell young women on a daily basis!

  • Lillian

    These are good tips that I wish started off in the home.  I have seen many young girls with huge insecurity issues – always blaming themselves when a guy dumps them – I should have loved him more; I should have done more for him; I should have said “yes” every single time; I shouldn’t have nagged him (even though I meant well).  The list goes on.  Girls, you are enough.  Stop listening to guys who say you are not.  Sometimes people put others down so they themselves can feel superior or better about their self images.

  • Masreyya86

    love this thank you

  • Christy

    Beautiful post! My only wish was that you had taken the opportunities to quote scripture or glorify God more directly since so many people have wound up reading this post. Great advice though!

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls | Kate Conner « rough draft

  • Lamyka L.

    I’m guessing this was a list for teenage American girls.


    Everything that I have read is the truth I just wish that kids and even adults stop and look and even listen to what comes out of their friend’s mouth along with their own and then realize what had just happend.

  • Peter Hyatt


  • Steve

    On FB I said: “This is potentially life-saving stuff. Kate Conner should get a Nobel Prize, and if there’s no category appropriate, then they should invent a new one.

  • Steve

    I should give you some context here; it was only last week, in response to the brutal murder of that teacher up in Vermont, which had just sent me into some kind of despair-spiral, that I posted: “You’ll have to excuse me for not being my usual motivational self, but this brutal, monstrously random murder has cast a black cloud over my thoughts. I’ve been surrounded by women all my life; with a mother, four sisters and various nieces whom I’ve loved, women I cherish either in person or in memory; and everywhere, everywhere, in TV programming or on the magazine stand, in current events or down the entire dark chain of human history, I’m constantly reminded that this world is a horrible, cruel, frightening, victimizing place to be a woman; full of witch-hunts, casting couches, human trafficking and random, miserable acts like this one…”

    Maybe that’s why your writing on this subject is such a light of hope and sanity. Thanks so much for putting it all into words. 

  • Supermusic

    Um. Aren’t there lots of damsels in distress running households?

    • ELG

      I drive a car, it doesn’t make me a mechanic

  • ELG

    Did you self appoint yourself as an authority on the subject matter? If so, I humbly demand your resignation. If you insist on making top ten lists, get creative. And since we are on the subject of dishing out cliche ridden advice, then here is mine to you….you come off judgmental and bitter, not sincere…gross

    • Chiara Ferrante

      I don’t know if you know the way teenage girls think, but the reason most people need to reiterate what you call “cliche ridden advice” is because teenage girls don’t believe this advice most of the time. They live in the moment and act on desire, later admitting they should have listened to the advice. Teens just need a constant reminder, even if it is the same advice over and over.  That is all. :)

  • ME

    This is great. I am a woman in her late 50s and there isn’t a morning I wake up without one of my first thoughts is how unbeautiful I am and other shameful messages. When they are as ingrained in a person as they have been in me it’s not something you can shake. I’m working on it, but I just would not wish it on anyone. I hope all girls will read this and take it to heart.

  • AMJ

    I found this on FB. Thanks so much for writing it. I’m raising two teenage girls, and trying  to instill in them the values that you descibed. But it’s not easy in this age with so many superficial messages bombarding them. You wrote it better than I could ever say it, so I’m posting on FB to share with all my friends! 

  • Celesta

    hmm…well.  Playing helpless can be useful.  Seriously I want some man to fix my tire/car if I’m stranded somewhere.  I’m really not about to try it myself.  Plus I’m too short to change the light bulbs…right?

    Also, I think follow your heart is great advice!  Subject to truth and reason, of course.  God gave you that heart and you’re desires.  Your passions tend to point you in the direction of your true destiny.

  • Pingback: 10 things girls should know!

  • Yankeeheart10108

    For my Anna….

  • Poopu

    dat so shweet :)

  • Pingback: Kate Elizabeth Conner’s List of Ten Things for Teen Girls | Teen Esteem Council

  • october linn sweet

    “Smoking isn’t cool” but “You’re beautiful no matter what.”

    “It’s okay to be emotional!” as long as you “don’t follow your heart”

    “You have value” as long as you “Stop showing your boobs off, GAWSH”

    I’m not even going to get into how the first point is a brush with rape apologism. Good job on that one. :/

    If it weren’t for your picture, I’d think this was written by a 13 year old boy. How are you getting paid for this?

    • Kate Conner

      I’m not (getting paid).  

      A lot of this is clarified/addressed down in the comments – though I don’t blame you for not drudging through all of them.  I’ll say it again up here for anyone with similar concerns:  

      It is never EVER EVER EVER EVER a woman’s fault for being harassed in any way, ESPECIALLY not rape.  No matter what she is wearing.  Ever.  The only reason I didn’t clarify that in the actual post is that it seems absolutely ludicrous that anyone could think such a thing.  (I have since learned that a lot of people think ludicrous things.)  I also never implied that women who dress super-provocatively have less value.  The entire 10th point says the exact opposite.  I could just as easily have written that the world may say “You are not modest enough or prudish enough, but you are still valuable.”  That’s why I chose the word “innate.”  We cannot detract value from other people.  

      In my first point I am calling attention to the type of men young ladies often CHOOSE to DATE – not any man that leers.  (Some men leer at women in baggy sweats and women have no control over that.)  If you notice that the men who want relationships with you are only interested in your body – or if while they are dating you, they are constantly drawn to other women’s bodies – if this is a PATTERN, then ask yourself, why am I attracting these guys exclusively? (Again, every woman attracts a handful no matter what.)  I’m telling girls that they can’t revel in the attention that their breasts draw and then be mad that their breasts are the only thing a man likes about them, that’s a double standard.  

      I am NOT a proponent of burqas, sweatpants, baggy shirts, or oppressing a woman’s right to express herself with fashion.  I choose clothes that flatter my figure, and I’m a pretty darn full-figured lady up top.  I’m simply sharing a REALITY with young girls:  if you put your boobs out there – boys will look at them.  Breasts are pretty.  Even respectful men like them.  It is just as unfair to categorize all men who look at breasts as creeps that have no discipline as it is to categorize all women who wear low-cut tops as easy. 

      There is absolutely no shame in having a big bust, a woman shouldn’t feel ashamed about her body like that.  I’m saying that the way you dress communicates. Draw attention to what you want other people to know about you.  If you want to be known for your breasts (butt, legs, midriff, whatever), that’s fine, but you’ll attract exactly who you bait.  Your clothing is a walking advertisement for yourself.  It communicates what you think is important about yourself.  

      If you want to be known for your humor, your kindness, your eyes, your hair, your thoughts on social issues, your athleticism – if you want a man (or any person) to recognize THOSE things about you, then you must put those things on display.  Your body is beautiful, but you are more than a body, and should be known and respected for such.  Don’t make it so  easy for people to ignore the rest of you.  

      • Meg Smitherman

        I dunno, I understand your point of view, but sometimes it’s a genuine confidence booster to dress sexily. I don’t want people to focus on my ass or my (very small) tits, but when I’m wearing an outfit that makes me feel sexy, regardless of what it reveals or doesn’t reveal, that makes me feel confident. It makes me happy. If I’m wearing a tight skirt that causes everyone to stare at my ass and ignore the rest of me, fair play to them. But they’re not the kind of person I want to associate with. The kind of person I want to associate with won’t ignore my personality and focus just on my T&A. Maybe, instead of telling teenage girls that they should alter their mode of dress to determine who they associate with, you should tell them not to associate with shallow douchenozzles who only care about cleavage-ogling. Not EVERYONE becomes a shambling neanderthal when faced with a girl who confidently shows off her body. I dunno, it still bugs me because you’re making it sound as though the only way you’ll get people to notice how smart or fun you are is to hide your body. It’s simply not true.

        • Bethany

          It has nothing to do with hiding your body.  There’s a tremendous difference between hiding your body vs. purposefully trying to get attention with it.  Am I hiding my body when I wear a work tank and jeans?  I don’t think I am. Do I like to dress sexy sometimes?  Sure!  My husband loves it too. 

          But… if all I wore was revealing clothes every day, I would be giving out a vibe that I am using my body to get attention.  Like it or not, you can’t pretend that a woman (or man) dressing sexily is not for the purpose of bringing attention to her or his appearance.  If there was no reaction or attention-getting to be had by dressing sexy, no one would do it. 

          You are absolutely right – dressing sexy can be a huge confidence booster.  But the confidence comes from the attention you get.  Before you tell me I’m wrong… tell me this:  What if there was a global disease that permanently wiped out the eyesight of every living person on this planet?  Ten years from now, would dressing sexy still make you confident if no one was able to see it?  Probably not.

          I’m a jeans & t-shirt kinda girl, and I know that my husband would not have been as attracted to ME if I’d always dressed sexy when we met.  Why?  Because while he’s still a red-blooded male and would have enjoyed the show as much as anyone, he is a jeans & t-shirt kinda guy and when it comes to a partner in life, he wanted someone more like him. 

          What I think Kate’s point was… is don’t put out the constant vibe that you are trying to get attention to your appearance.  Because then what you end up with is… people who only like you for your appearance. 

          • Meg Smitherman

            Very fair points, all! But I still disagree. Although I suppose if everyone was blind I wouldn’t have to bother with looking good… nor would anyone; but really I just like to check myself out in shop windows as I walk by. Is that so wrong? Plus I’m obsessed with fashion and expressing myself through the way I dress. It’s an extension of who I am, not a ploy to get attention. But everyone dresses the way they do for different reasons.

          • Bethany

             Do you disagree that someone who dresses sexy on a consistent basis tends to attract men who like to check out women?  Or are you disagreeing with the idea that there’s something wrong with dressing sexy?  Because I don’t think that’s what Kate was saying.

            Here – I’ll give you an example.  My husband used to have dreadlocks.  He always wanted them, so one day we spent the entire day and I put them in his hair.

            Almost immediately, he started getting asked by random people if he had any weed on him.  My husband doesn’t get high and he’s not a hippie (more of a metalhead) but we noticed almost right away that people assumed 1. he was a stoner and 2. that he was a hippie.  He used to come home laughing about the things people would say to him. 

            On the flipside, I’m sure there were some other people that might have previously found him more approachable, but didn’t once he had the dreads, thinking that he wasn’t their type of person.

            Now, there’s nothing wrong with having dreadlocks, but  the simple fact is that by him changing that ONE thing, he immediately began attracting attention by this certain type of people. 

            So – is it so much of a stretch to think that a teenage girl who dresses in a sexy fashion, trying to get male attention, is going to end up attracting more guys who want her for her boobs and don’t really value her for the person she is, as opposed to, say, a girl who dresses like an athlete, cowgirl, or just the standard t0-shirt & jeans?

          • Meg Smitherman

            No, that makes sense and I agree with the fact that yes, people will often react differently to you depending on what you’re wearing and how you present yourself. HOWEVER, I also believe that that should have no bearing whatsoever on how a person chooses to dress or present themselves. If it bothers girls that they’re getting attention from skeezy guys when they dress sexily, yes, maybe one quick and easy solution is to wear more modest outfits. BUT I think that’s the wrong message to be sending, especially in terms of women wearing revealing clothing. If we keep telling girls that wearing sexy clothes attracts the wrong kind of attention, that puts the responsibility on HER, rather than the men who should be leaving her alone and not focusing solely on her tits. No, you can’t control how other people perceive you, but you CAN assert your own agency and stop giving a fuck. I encourage young women to express themselves and not give a fuck what others may think, or how others may judge. Because if the world is going to consistently tell young women they shouldn’t wear sexy clothes if they don’t want men ogling them, it really is along the same vein as saying, “Don’t go out wearing that tiny dress or you might get raped.” Which I’m sure we all agree is a pretty sexist, shit thing to say. 

            People don’t tell men not to walk around shirtless during the summer, do they? Nor do they tell men, “Hey, it’s not cool to stare at girls who are wearing low-cut shirts. Women are not objects, they are not there to make the crotch of your pants tight. Treat them as you would a fellow human being.” I guess what frustrates me about this argument is that it keeps leading back to young women and their revealing clothes, in which you’re placing ALL of the responsibility here on the GIRL, regardless of how you spin it; as though boys simply can’t help themselves and it’s okay that they’re ogling and drooling like mindless penis-monsters. It’s a sexist way to think, and it leads to very dangerous places. I say instead, let’s focus on the dicks who stare at girls in short skirts. Let’s tell THEM to change their behavior, not the other way around.

  • mq

    lol…i should substitute not tan enough with “not white enough” in our culture. and i kinda disagree w/ #8 cuz its contradicting the rest of the anecdotes. i mean there will always be pple who will not like others. so if one always does what one thinks is right, without hurting other pple emotionally and mentally (i hope no one’s hurting pple physically) then thts all tht matters. pple will try to make themselves appear superior to others all the time. u may have done more work yet they will make it that you didn’t and they did. and pple will believe them. which will decrease your value in their eyes. which goes with my arguement that you should keep doing what you think is right w/o what others think of you. 

  • Jonathan Morris

    Great post.

  • Olie

    EVERY graduation card should include this, printed out, wrapped around the bill or check. I know quite a few “grown” women who really need it, too.


  • Kates

    I like most of these, with the exception of #8 and #5. 

    I don’t believe we (society) should care what others think of us. If we all cared so much about what someone else thought, than we’d all be the same. We’d all try to have perfect bodies, blonde hair, and big boobs. I celebrate differences with my family, we cherish the thought that we can act and be ourselves without worrying what others may think of our goofy, carefree lifestyle. And for that, we are greatly respected by our friends, family, co-workers, and teachers. We’re proud individuals who ACT respectful and in kindness, but we do not worry about what others think of our clothes, hair, make-up, car, or home. That kind of thinking gets you exactly the kind of teenager who:-Wears shirts that show off her boobs-Goes to a tanning bed-Posts ridiculous things on Facebook-Hates “drama”-Allows a man to let her feel weak-Smokes-Plays stupid-And never thinks she’s pretty enough because all she has done in her life is listen and worry over other peoples judgemental opinions…When in reality, she should have followed her own heart and ignored everyones thoughts, all while being happy being herself!We’d have a whole lot less hate going on if every boy and girl stopped judging others and started looking for what makes them happy instead of caring about other people’s opinions.


    • Kate Conner

      Here you said it, “We are greatly respected by our friends, family, co-workers, and teachers.  We … act respectful and in kindness.”  

      THAT’S reputation!  I never want young women (or anyone for that matter) to make decisions based on what other people might think of them; because you’re right, that is damaging in a hundred ways.  

      I mean that EVEN IF people disagree with everything you do – they still respect you as a kind person.  If the consensus among friends/family/teachers/etc. is that I’m selfish, flaky, a gossip, untrustworthy, or unkind – if ALL those people think the same thing about me, then I’m obviously doing something that is coming across pretty wrong.  

      Don’t make choices to please people, but the way people around you view you is valuable feedback!  Put kindness and positivity and love out there!  People will respond to it. 

  • Ginny

    #2 is wrong.  Sorry. Sun and tanning are fine in moderation.  Don’t be afraid of the sun, just don’t allow yourself to get burned.  The BURNING is the bad thing, not the tan.  The sun is the very best way to get Vitamin D and Seratonin.  Vit D fights cancer and seratonin keeps mood levels even and fights depression.  The sun is your friend!

  • keishabrown

    I LOVE THIS!!!

  • Moni0077

    So true!

  • Guest

    Wow, thank you for posting this – I am going to share with my 13 year old daughter right now!

  • Pingback: The trouble with tweens >> a peek inside the fishbowl

  • Meg Smitherman

    Some of these are great, but some are just WTF. Especially the first one. Really? Really? You’re telling teenage girls to keep it all covered otherwise they’ll get the wrong sort of attention from boys? That makes it the girl’s responsibility to keep boys away from them, instead of the boys’ responsibility to not be dicks. If a girl wants to look and feel sexy by showing some cleavage, SHE SHOULD. It’s her own body and her own sexual agency. Your advice is just perpetuating the sort of backwards thinking that contributes to today’s rape culture. Unimpressed.

  • Kylee

    This is fabulous.

  • Tonia Spies

    This is a must read!
    That means YOU too!

  • Mairin Mildenhall

    Hey!  I don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention!  I do it to manipulate guys into doing what I want! :P

  • guest

    In reference to point #8: You should care what certain people think of you, but not everyone. There are always going to be people who will try to bring you down. Don’t listen to them.

  • Shellmom

    To my lovely daughters and all of their friends as they navigate through this exciting but confusing time in their lives. You are so special in each of your unique ways. Don’t fear becoming all that you are intended to be. There, you will find the wonderful people who will share your life. I love you more than words will ever be able to express. Love, Mom :0)

  • Kuophoto

    Wow, I’m sorry to see that people have decided to fill the comments with a debate about religion here. I think this post is great & relevant, & I hope that more people will discuss why it is that girls these days have such a low sense of self-worth. Have you read the book REVIVING OPHELIA? It’s wonderful. Thought you might like it! :) Thanks for your post!

  • Lifesaparty2020

    This is terrible advice, you make it sound like such an ugly thing to even want a man…I would love to rewrite this and not sound like my tone is angry and sarcastic

  • Jnicolerussell

    Thank you for this. It feels like I was meant to read this at the moment I did. I struggle with bulimia. #10 is everything I needed to read. 

  • Meredith L Moore

    I would like to see any boy who doesn’t like looking down shirts. If you do find one, they are far too old for you to date. 

    Also telling a girl that they are beautiful and smart does a whole lot of nothing. If they are smart, then you need to point out the lies to them as  you see them in the real world. Photoshopped images, mark-ups and profit margins in retail stores, the discrepancy between the price and quality of products marketed towards the poor and uneducated vs the wealthy… Let them see it themselves.

    Also there is nothing wrong with using your femininity to situational advantage. They can batte your eyelashes and make men feel needed, but always state the value of being off limits. Being desired is valuable, being had is worthless.

    Thus reputation grooming is important. Online and offline. Make sure that you have them clean it all up for their Sr. year and definitely start college on a blank slate. No one wants or cares about your high school baggage in college.

  • jake

    and yet no matter what a guy does the girl he believes is way more than enough in any case just ignores him and doesn’t care.

  • Robin Jacobson

    Very intelligent piece! Two thumbs up!

  • Cameron

    Simply excellent! I’ll be reading this to my girls. :-) Have you heard of author Matthew Kelly (Becoming The Best Version if Yourself)? You both seem to have a great way if sharing the same truth. :-) God bless. :-)

  • schalkr

    Well said Kate!!! Wish I could share it on more places :)

  • Jodi Rives Meier

    Where’s the companion piece of “10Things I Want To Tell Men/Boys To Stop Perpetuating.”

  • Cristina92568

    This should not only be for teenage girls but all women!

  • The Moral Proposer

    Well said, Sir Ma’am…I mean Ms. Ma’am…umm…
    Anyways, I noticed how most of this applies to guys as well, besides no smoking and tanning beds.  There are guys who don’t have self-confidence like the stereotypical guys.  Guys can easily fall for lies and some are very emotional as well.
    Just wanted to point that out.

  • LouiseSalt19

    Just curious, why is “Follow your heart” the worst advice ever? I like the rest though! 

  • Nicole Onewingedangel Shields

    Thankyou Kate Elizabeth Conner for your wise words. I wish that someone had told me all of these things when I was a teenager.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing and posting this. As a mom (meaning, I was a teen, although it WAS when dinosaurs roamed the earth) of a teen, I sincerely want to thank you. If *I* said these things to my daughter, I’d get the typical eye roll, and be promptly ignored.

    Best wishes, and sincerest thanks for sharing this. =)

  • Tessa

    Wow. It’s really sad that such a wonderful post has comments that have devolved into people hating each other over religion or the lack thereof.

    If you believe in God, then try to find love through Christ and turn the other cheek to others who are not so fortunate to have found the source of strength you have.

    If you don’t believe in God, you probably believe in reason and human kindness. Even if other people believe in something you think is a fairytale, approach them reasonably and kindly. Wars have been fought over religion and nonreligion alike. Don’t like wars? Don’t fight with people.


  • Rosemary1976

    Thank you so much. All ten are very true if only all teenage girls couldread these.Mama Rose

  • Guest

    Some of this is empowering for girls, namely 2,7,9 and 10.  However, the rest is, well, not very empowering at all.  #1 gives into an idea that a girl asks for attention to be brought to her tits.  Low cut shirt or not, horny toads are going to look, boy or girl, and it ain’t because of the cut.  Instead of being empowering, this statement, is, well, oppressive.  However, who cares what I think.  This isn’t the 10 things that MY NAME wants to say to girls, it’s yours.  I’ll just react by reading and not reposting.  

  • Jet

    My favorite post ever – Amen!!!

  • mje

    I agree with all except the part about bad boys looking at breasts.  Newsflash: even the good boys like to look if presented in an obvious way; that doesn’t mean they’re sex freaks or unfaithful to the girl they currently have.  It only means they are human.

  • Theis222

    Thank you.  I stumbled upon this and it really made my night.  Thank you for not sugar coating what you needed to say.  I feel our society is often held back by ridiculous need to sugar coat things.  Thanks again!

  • Dan Conner

    #REAL TALK with Dan Conner. Alright…
    - You are free to comment, but at least try to keep it on point. As in something to do with the “Ten Things Kate Wants to tell Teenage Girls.”- If you would like to pick a fight with another commenter, ask for their contact info and let ‘em have it. Do not spend 45 comments on this article going back and forth about your political agenda, your view of history, your pet peeves, whatever. - If it doesn’t have to do with the post, just move on. Google “I would like to argue about ____” and I promise you’ll find someone to go back and forth with. Don’t do it here.- Also if you have an opinion, learn to express it fairly. If you’re a jerk to the other person, it doesn’t make you sound right. Just mean, hateful, and on the wrong blog (btw, you can agree with everything  Kate said or be a Christian or be ‘speaking the truth’ or whatever and still be embarrassing to the author (or at least her husband).- If your comment was removed or hidden, know that it doesn’t mean your comment was particularly to blame. It may have been part of entire thread that needed to go. Perhaps you responded to an inappropriate comment, and it was decided to remove that comment.If you don’t have something relevant (to the post!) to say, please, say nothing at all.  *she didn’t ask me to say anything, but I am tired of having to police the comments so that parents can let their middle schoolers read the post without them having to deal with so much nonsense. 

  • Isaiah Joe

    I am pretty…

  • AW

    This is good, except for #8 and #5.  Living life caring what other people think of you and what your reputation is negates everything else on the list, and not following your heart is the worst advice ever.  I would never show this to my daughter.

  • Scott Thompson

    I’d like to add: MTV is not your friend. Neither is Planned Parenthood, Cosmo, or any other company that tells you what to do and what is and is not okay. Idolizing these companies and doing what they want you to do will not make you cooler. It will make you an easier person to control and manipulate. Your best advice can only come from family, (good) friends, and Christ. Your pastor knows a lot more than you think. 

  • Pingback: Advice for Teenage Girls « Bridgett's Beauty Blog

  • nicole

    This article is amazing…too bad everyone reading it has decided to argue about religion rather than pay attention to the outstanding advice.

  • Juli Peterson

    I find it disappointing that the comment thread is now a huge religious argument, not about providing meaningful advice to teenage girls. If you’re sitting there trying to argue about who is and who is not “allowed” to talk about God, especially if the context is just saying, “Accept yourself as you are because you are perfect”, then maybe you should take a look at yourself and accept Christians, Muslims, Jews, atheists and those of all religious followings for who they are.

    Who is the mature crowd now? Certainly not you. What a terrible example to set for teens that may be reading this.
    I, however, would like to second the “don’t go to the tanning bed” (I didn’t listen and now I have all these crazy moles I know I wouldn’t have if I never had) and the “smoking is not cool” (trying to quit is probably the most un-cool thing I’ve ever had to do-I still struggle with it almost 16 months after quitting.)

  • Pingback: « fallbutonce

  • Guest

    and don’t let any of the messages from beauty/fashion/porn/and other entertainment industries convince you away from positively seeking healthy attention from girls, or dissuade you from expressing yourself in differently gendered ways. there’s a lot in this love letter to the cis-heterosexual teenage girl that applies to queer girls/queer teens, too!

  • Anonymous

    Your reputation doesn’t matter to the people you should have in your life. Your reputation DOES matter to people who are materialistic turds.

  • Natr001

    omg can you guys grow up? seriously i started laughing at how bored you all are. I love this blog its lovely and true. haters gonna hate. if you dont like whats written, save your negativity else where and go stroke your ego to people who actually give a crap. so if your still writting on here and want to be critical then your just dumb. and i wonder if your harsh critisms of others is a way for you to feel better about your own failures.
    Kate Elizabeth Conner, nice job this info is brilliant thanks  <3 

  • Theresag33

    So true!!!!!

  • Kirstenreed

    Love this.

  • Peggy Auman


  • Beautiful


  • Pure-Lanzarote

    Brillant.  I am gonna save it for when my 6 year twin girls become teenagers.  

  • Jennifer

    Fantastic. I’m sharing this with my daughter, 14, who thinks I’m a moron (it’s a phase.) This is pefect.

  • Secretgarden226

    Thank you so much for this. I wish years ago someone would have put this in front of me. I have suffered from body dismorphic disorder. Which basically means, in my warped perspective my body is never good enough. It doesn’t matter how many surgeries I have, how much makeup I wear, the clothes, shoes, hair do’s: none of those things are ENOUGH to make me feel pretty, lovable, worthy. I grew up feeling less than, different, unloved and unlovable. This led to a life of addiction, promiscuity, and self degredation. I felt unworthy and made myself unworthy. If I was afraid of being hurt by the loss of a relationship, I did something wrong to end it. It took many years of pain and shame to finally realize GOD LOVES ME just the way I am. I have a 13 year old daughter. I have told her everyday of her life that she is a blessing. That she is beautiful. That she has a purpose. I could never tell myself those same things. In the last few years of my life, I sought treatment. With God’s help, I have overcome my addiction. I am learning each day to overcome the lies that I am not good enough. I am learning to use my past to help others. God is good, and He can use even the least of us and the worst of times to bless others. I pray for his will to be done in my life daily. I give him the Glory and remember that He made me and that God does not make mistakes. I will be posting this to my facebook and to my daughter’s page as well hoping that is will fall into the hands of as many young women as possible. I wish you many blessings. 

  • Lefbcyouthpastor

    Excellent article.  Every teen girl, woman, teen guy and man, should read this.  Be yourself.  god made you special.
    Pastor Scott

  • Zalnoor

    Omg! I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE you for writing this!!! You are amaaaazing! I hope that every woman in the WORLD reads this blog post and I wish the BEST in life for you! Thank you!!!!!!

  • Jon

    HAHAHA these things kinds of blogs always turn into a debate… “Don’t say the R word…” “God is dumb…” “Jesus is going to judge you …” “OMG TV is sending you all to hell…” “Yay Jesus is way awesome!” “You’re just jealous of my boobs!” etc…

    To the writer of this blog, I just wanted to say CONGRATS! you have discovered the art of opinion blogging and are doing a great job at it, when all these comments get you down just remember all these people are reacting with such emotional reactions because what your talking about is important to them :)  

    Keep up the good work!

  • Lizabeth Portocarrero

    This is so true although we seem to forget

  • tsjmcg6

    I have 4 girls and my wife and I are always telling them these same thing.  You also need to let the know that High School is only 4 years of your life.  Have fun and enjoy them.

  • Arabella

    I am 14 and i thought that this was all really true. I also have a blog it would be cool if oyu could look at it :)

  • Remrie

    From the perspective of a male to female transgender. In many ways I am glad that out of 2 other sisters, I was the one born in the wrong body. Because, that hard lesson taught me just how one of a kind each of our bodies are, and how lucky we are to have just one, and how important it is to take good care of it. My sisters became basic impoverished sluts, drinking, smoking, bad relationships, pregnancy, etc… And while they might be fine with their choices in life, if I was as fortunate to get a hot bod like either of them I would want to treat it like a Rolls Royce.

    I don’t smoke, drink, do any drugs including Aspartame, watch TV or just about any other unhealthy unproductive soda. I primarily drink distilled water and the occasional soda which I am giving up as well. I got better things to do than enter my body in a drag race and complain about the hitch hikers I pick up along the way.

  • AdalynLeigh

    Number nine was my favourite. What a spectacular phrasing to use — “once you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got.”

  • Blue

    Regardless of religious affliliation (or lack there of) it’s a beautiful message and that’s what’s important.

  • Darline Aubry

    Like it 

  • Cathy

    I do love this post – there are so many comments already and I admit I haven’t read them all but I would like to add to your list… #11) Be confident (or at least appear to be) people always believe those of us who seem confident and self assured.

  • Seeker

    This is indeed really good advice.  I advise readers after me to not make the mistake of reading further into the comments.   The negative energy on here is very disappointing, Christians and non-Christians alike. 

  • Asoclof

    What a great article. Can’t wait to show this to my daughter when she is a teen.

  • anonymous

    As a teenage girl,I’d just like to say I love this. It made me cry to read it, but it’s so important that society keeps reminding girls of their value. Thanks for sharing this, it’s truly an amazing message.

    Thanks to my dad for sharing it with me–thanks for always loving me and reminding me how great I am and how much I’m worth to the world.

  • LaraLeigh

    Thank you for that beautifully written article!  I loved every word of it, and agree wholeheartedly with your comments.  I’ll be sharing that with my teenage daughter as soon as she comes home from school.  

  • Fdmshopid

    So great.. I want to figure out how to print this and read it to my, soon to be, 18 year old..

  • Jack Hager

    This is absolutely fantastic…totally UNcommon common sense…I applaud you, thank you, pray for you….you are a new resource to me…but as my goal is to be the oldest youthworker in the world (and, trust me, I am well on my way)..I will be reading and sharing your thoughts on a regular basis. Plus, I still have a 17 year old daughter, and she will read this also…tonight! Thank you so, so much…I speak at 5-7 teen camps each summer as well as a lot of churches etc during the school year…I will be sharing this (and giving you credit :)

  • Lulu

    I am sick of the way clothing manufacturers force the extremely low neckline on women. I am 29 and consider myself trendy yet modern and not too conservative. I am just so tired of having to take inches off the straps of every single tank top I purchase because the designer decided everyone wearing tanks should have their breasts hanging out. I learned to sew just for that reason, i remember being younger and tying knots in the straps too keep them from being too low.It is almost impossible to find a cute t-shirt that dosen’t require some sort of layering .If they can offer jeans in several different lengths why not do the same for straps and necklines?

  • Anonymous

    I’m mother of a 13-year-old girl. She will read this tonight. It’s what I’ve been trying to get across to her since she was born, but adolescence is a minefield and she forgets too often. Thank you.

  • Monkey


  • Just Saying

    I agree with all except #5. You can not simaltanouesly embrace being an emotional being and not follow your heart. maybe the advice should be don’t follow your heart blindly

  • Shelagh Howell

    Kay, that’s it. As of today I will not cut myself down. Thank you. +++ Awesome. 

  • Pam_brouder

    This is so true…for my lovely and strong girls!

  • Jenn

    I smoke. I think it’s cool. Not because other people do, but because I like chillin with my friends and smokin some shisha. Otherwise, a lot of these points are pretty valid.

  • What?

    Follow your heart isn’t bad advice.  If everyone lived their life by not following their heart we wouldnt have writers, actors, entrepreneurs, musicians or people marrying other people for love (love is subjective, but real love is beneficial for both people)  You can be smart and still follow your heart.  I can’t think of the mindset you would have to be in to say that people shouldn’t follow their heart.

    • Camiar22

      THANK YOU!

  • A teenage girl

    10 things I want to tell ignorant adults who make unfair assumptions about teenagers:
    1. You were once teenagers so don’t act all superior because you were once just as bad as us.
    2. Contrary to popular belief, not all teenagers are the same. Some are very intelligent individuals. 
    3. High school reputations don’t matter as much as people think they do. Once you graduate you get to leave your crappy past behind and start a new life. 
    4. Not all teenage girls are self conscious sluts who wear too much make up. Some think their own way and dress their own way.
    5. Saying that we attract boys who are jerks because we wear low shirts is actually the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. We should be allowed to be proud of our bodies and show them off. You’re basically blaming the victim by saying it’s our fault. Maybe if we lead them on and flirt with them a lot but just by wearing low cut tops? Really?
    6. Some girls actually DON’T care what people think of them. Sure, maybe sometimes other people’s comments sting and hurt our pride but for the most part, we’re confident enough to act without caring about what people will say.
    7. Adults smoke too. It’s not just us.
    8. I’m pretty sure more adults go to tanning beds than teenage girls.
    9. Sometimes when we say we hate drama, it’s true. Maybe you didn’t have a drama filled high school life, just like me, but some girls do. Maybe when a girl’s saying that she’s urging you to ask her what’s wrong. Maybe the “drama” in her life is something more than someone calling her fat or her boyfriend breaking up with her. Maybe it’s serious.
    10. You tell us to be ourselves and love ourselves and love our bodies and some of us are. I think you need to take the time to talk to some REAL teenagers who don’t fit the stereotype and ask them about their opinions. We might surprise you.

    • Jay

       1. Not superior – but been there before. Caring people who’ve made mistakes don’t want others to make the same ones.
       2. You’re right! If you don’t need the advice, then it’s not for you!
       3. Yes and no. Some things people don’t forget, if somebody is that much of a jerk or pothead or whatever. Sometimes people don’t hire you b/c of your past.
       4. Yes, but the author apparently thought someone needed advice in this area. (btw, slut is your word, not hers)
       5. You are allowed to do whatever you want. And that will draw attention to whatever you want. Some girls just don’t realize that the Facebook bikini pics may be drawing attention away from their personality, humor, etc. instead of toward it. They just haven’t thought about that in that way before.
       6. Confidence is great! People are people, and usually we care what someone thinks . . . we just need to be aware so can care about the opinions that might matter (see: getting a job).
      7. Not really that cool for them either – $, health, whatever.
      8. hmm . . . maybe true. Not healthy for them either.
      9. This is a valid point as well. But I think the author’s aiming at the more immature version here.
      10. I was reading through the blog and the author actually does a lot of stuff with teenagers.

      But here’s the thing: Some teenagers are making poor choices, some not. I would imagine by the spirit of the post that the author would – along with the rest of society – applaud any teenager that wants to make their life matter. Thank you for your post.

    • Kristin_y

      As someone who has been working with teenagers since a couple of years after being a teenager, I’d recommend that you save this post and your response to read in 15 years.  Your assumption that REAL teenagers don’t fit these stereotypes or need this advice is overconfident and shows your lack of experience and perspective.  Most adults that work with teenagers do so with love and understanding that teenagers are victims of their hormones and cognitive development.  Everything that the author wants to tell teenage girls is advice that many can use.  You’re right in that of course there are multitudes of young women who already know or understand portions of this … that doesn’t mean the author or any other adult who would share similar insight is ignorant or makes unfair assumptions.  As with any advice/instruction/etc. take what you can use and smile about how much you might already know.

  • Brit3218

    Articulate and spot on. Kudos.

  • Hfhdjdjd

    wow, this is a load of bs. not caring what others think of you is admirable, how dare you say we should care what others think of us. free yourself from mental slavery..

    • Guest

      It’s not that you should do what people what you to do. Or even that the opinions of other high schoolers are the ones that matter most. It’s just that you should know that your reputation is going to matter eventually – one way or another. Like your credit report or getting a job. It will make a difference.

  • Sarah

    This is absolutely fantastic. As a young female I wish that I could ingrain this into the minds of every other girl I know. Thank you very much

  • alyssa

    Well you deserve a giant cake the size of Texas for this. I mean that in the best possible way

    • Kate Conner

      Oh my gosh, did someone say cake???  :)  Thanks, Alyssa!

  • A Christian

    I find all of the religious comments and debates odd, considering that Kate Conner is Christian. Given this, whether she had to spell out God or Jesus in the article or not, her beliefs are influenced by her faith, they’re not separate, so to try to separate the morals of this article from the faith that caused them is like trying to argue that the fruit has nothing to do with the seed that produced it. Whether readers believe in Christ or not, the author does. 

  • Deeataccs

    Please read every word. This is a very wise young woman for her years.

  • Susan Anderson

    Awesome. We are loved.

  • Czarina

    “Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.” 
                    –Mary T Schmich

  • Miz

    Thank you!

  • CarlDCE

    Nice article.  I work with high school and middle school youth and have a daughter that will soon be entering the teenage years.  Great list to share with them.  God bless.

  • Sharon Lauke

    You might want to post a diff. pict.  Your top is showing cleavage which you suggested that girls shouldn’t do.

    • Kate Conner

      Ha ha, if my picture is what people thought I was referring to in #1, then no wonder there has been such an uproar!  I’ll say it again here: I’m so not a proponent of burquas and/or loose turtlenecks all the time!  I don’t think that choosing fashionable or figure-flatter clothes is dumb at all!  I was getting at overt, over-the-top, nothing-to-the-imagination dressing, in order to INTENTIONALLY draw attention from guys.  And even that – if the young lady is okay with that kind of attention, fine!  I was just calling attention to pattern.  The cause & effect if you will.  

      Thanks for having common sense, and for allowing me to clear that up!  And of course thanks for reading!

  • Jjohnson0819

    As the father of a 13 year old daughter I want to thank you for this.  I am printing this out to give to her.  It is really hard for a dad to talk to his daughter about things like this.  

  • Anonymous

    Bravo…well written

  • Renamae5

    I would add only one thing……this isn’t just for teenage girls
    This is great truth for all ages.

  • MHJ

    This post is a good way to start the day. Thank you :)

  • Pinchingbubblewrap

    Blessings to you for this piece!

  • guest

    I like a lot of what you have to say here. I disagree about the first one though. The reason a women shouldn’t flaunt her boobs IS NOT because of how it will make a boy think; rather because she respects herself, her divine nature, her body, and her value as a whole person not body parts. Boys will think crap whether your boobs are covered or not. A girl is not responsible for a boys inability to maintain clean thoughts. We are ingrained to believe that women are responsible for mens virtue, they need to be accountable to themselves. Too many women live lives of modesty and virtue thinking they have married someone who respected her and valued her for it only to be hurt and disappointed to find out he still objectified her and has no problem checking out the other boobs available for seeing behind her back! Being modest DOES NOT MEAN boys will respect you, it’s your own attitude and self esteem that will allow you to see past these men who ‘con’ lovely modest young ladies into their addictive traps. Cover those boobs up for sure, but for yourself worth not to be responsible for  irresponsible men’s thoughts.

  • Labaug

    I have a teenage daughter and I want to print this out and hand it out to every single girl walking out of her school’s doors….just beautiful

  • Ann

    I would be so upset to read some of the comments, I am thinking of quitting blogging!- you are a much stronger person than I am. Whenever something is written or said, it is open to criticism because no one really knows the context as well as the writer. I see genuineness and concern, and even if were not exactly as I would say it, the value reaches those it needs to. We certainly can not make everyone happy.

  • Deb E.

    I printed this out and am going to leave it on my daughter’s bed. She’s only 11 … but these are things she needs to know.

  • Teenage Girl

    Thank you. Truly. :)
    -A Teenage Girl

  • Avanwinkle83

    Can I share this on Pinterest???

  • Evamarieoriginal

    I disagree with this because it oversimplifies. It also puts down individual beauty and sexiness. It is judgmental of people and speaks more from a place of low self esteem than what it is professing to be against. Ok people may have their own opinions, I say let them! This is mine .

  • gratefulgirl

    Love this! Thank you!! Here is a video I think you’ll appreciate Kate. Crystalina Evert wrote a similar, beautiful letter.

  • Seetheproblemis

    The thing is, this article would be okay, if it actually was going to solve problems. It isn’t. Girls are going to continue to be stupid about any number of things, and guys are going to continue to take advantage of that.

  • Kelceyfann

    wow thank you! i really needed that!

  • Kodipepper

    This should be handed out to all teen age girls.

  • Soccergirl_hg10

    This was really inspiring to me. God made each and everyone beautiful in his eyes. Never forget that :)

  • shelleybean1973

    There are some really angry people out there. I am grateful for this list and will be sharing it with my daughter! I respect everyone’s freedom of choice in their beliefs and if I believe in Jesus and God and you don’t, it’s okay! We can agree to disagree! We can call each other frenemies and be okay without getting angry and personal in our comments. Being so angry on here does nothing but make one look small, bitter, hurt and actually needing a hug or hope.

  • Dan Conner

    Comments closing, see bottom of post for details.

  • David Hanson

    This is fantastic! I am going to share this on my blog as well as with the girls in my student ministry! I recently started a list countdown, check it out and let me know what you think! Blessings!

  • Dan Conner

    The box shows that you can type a comment. But comments are currently closed. Be advised, they will not be posted to the site.

  • Leann Martin

    Thank you for this great post! 

  • Lena

    Love this!  Girls need to hear this more often!

  • Deborah Moore

    Oh wow thank you for this.  I hope it isn’t a bother but I have to print this and present it to my daughter.  She just turned 13, even though we discuss things like this, she pays more attention to her friends, the TV and society than she does to me.  I hope that she reads this and take the last lines as her mantra.

  • samantha

    This is an amazing list!  I have always felt this way, even when I was a teen, especially number 8.   So many girls when I was a teen and even now act like they don’t care what people think about them and never understood that their reputation will matter one day. As a teen it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but one day it will.  Every teen needs to read this, and read it everyday because sooo true ! 

  • BeccaToTheMoms

    To Kate:  Thanks for writing this. I have friends who go to schools and speak to girls about this, and I think you post is a good mix of important information. I thought #9 was especially important because I’ve watched so many girls get attention by playing dumb. For a while, it was tempting for me to play dumb too, but I cringed whenever I contemplated stooping to that level. A small encouragement for parents reading this website–Teaching your sons to respect women who will not play dumb will service them in the long run. A woman who plays dumb to boost his ego is lying to him, but a woman who honestly shares her thoughts with him will honestly respect him and defend his integrity and reputation. A simple way to teach this to your children starts with the small things. Does he help you carry your groceries or hold the door for you, his mother? Does he show respect to his sisters (as much as you can encourage)? If you raise a son of integrity, you are an extraordinarily remarkable woman. For those of you with all daughters, encouraging them like this article said is incredibly remarkable.

  • Kate Michael Hayslette

    Spectacular!!  I sent this to my daughters to read.  I hope they really pay attention to what it says.  Thank you!

  • Alexa Cirignani

    This is beautiful. Wish it was available when I was a teenager.

  • Clgraeme

    would love to see one for teenage boys!

  • Pamela

    As far as #8 goes, I learned this at 14 and it has never left me: Only care about the opinion of people you respect and whose character you want yours to be like.  Don’t do things because you care what your friends or the general public think of you.  Choose carefully whose advice you’ll take and whose words you heed.  I stuck to my principles because I didn’t care what other kids thought of me enough to change a good character.  
    I recently had someone vehemently (and rather triumphantly) tell me that their family didn’t like me.  They were in utter shock and completely deflated when I said, with a smile, that I was fine with that–my behavior was above reproach (I didn’t return insults or slights and treated them the way I wanted to be treated in spite of their ugly behavior), so what they chose to feel about me was their problem, not mine.  They’re a negative, unhappy, gossipy group, so why would their opinion be important to me?   They want me to be like them, but I’m happy to NOT fit in with a group like that!  I repect the opinion of people whom I want to be like–joyful (in spite of circumstances), loving, positive, respectful, generous, wise, godly people.  At 14-years-old, I decided that those would be the only opinions I’ll put stock in, and ever since I’ve been thankful that wisdom hit me young.

  • UTDavis1965

    A note I sent to my niece at the demise of a relationship:
    To an amazing (and hot) young woman. 

    There is and has always been a big difference between sexy and slutty. Sexy is self-confident, and while appreciating the attention, does not have that attention as it’s goal. Slutty is…”HEY!! Did you notice my tits?” 

    Being desired and being loved can both happen at the same time BUT being desired does NOT mean you are loved. 

    Relationships are great, don’t avoid them…being on your own is great, don’t avoid it. Neither state is a reflection on how lovable and worthy and wonderful you are. 

    In fact, I think you are fabulous at every moment. You are great to me independent of public opinion. 

    I’m 46 years old, I have great friends who love me, I have matriarchs who love me more than I can imagine and who know I can be more than often I believe I can be, and still, at times I feel terribly alone. So, don’t think that at 17, I think what I wish for you is easy. But, at 17 I want you to know that you have friends who love you and you have matriarchs who KNOW you are amazing and have so much ahead of you. 

    Don’t get me wrong, boyfriends are very cool. But life isn’t defined by the times that you have one, and life is not worthless in the times that you don’t. 

    Your Aunts and Great Aunts and Mother and Grandmother can’t walk the halls of your high school with you, but unseen we are always with you… 

  • Krobinh

    Glad I read this after so many comments were posted. Talk about a tangent. I am the mother of 21- and 18-year-old men and a newly 15-year-old girl. Recently, although late I realize, I am trying to figure out a way to talk to her about everything about boys, men, relationships, love, sex, taking care of and watching out for herself first, etc.

    This seems like a great place to start and I wish someone would have had these words for me a very long time ago. I am wondering what else you have written, or do you only blog? Thanks for sharing some wise thoughts.

  • Araceli725

    Had to re-post this.

  • Cesandel

    This is so valuable. Thanks for the message I’ll be sharing with the girls at the high school where I work.

  • Grammyt254

    thanks so much!  One of the best things I have ever read for teenage girls…Shared this with my granddaughters and their friends.  God bless!  Tina Blackwell, Columbia, SC

  • Pingback: Great top 10 List for all the ladies out there « bsyg

  • Turbopikachu


  • Kyleg

      Sounds like this should be called “Things I should have told myself 1o years ago”. Who are you to tell people how to live their lives? Because a girl dresses sexy means that she will only get scum bag guys? Maybe some girls like to dress and feel sexy. I know a lot of girls that do that and dont date the shitty guys you reference.

       Then you go on to tell girls not to go tanning or smoke? Once again these are PERSONAL choices. I dont know who annointed you god of the earth, but people can make their own choices and do what they want. What if a girl decides she doesnt want to be pale all winter? And why would you care if they smoke? Are they blowing smoke down your lungs? I’m sure you have some bad habbits as well. (ie telling people how to live up to your standards)

     Believe it or not, some people like who they are and dont care what people think about them. If your going around judging people, how does that reflect on your character? Some people just dont care what is said about them, as most rumors or gossip about people tends to be untrue. Who do you need to impress? “Oh if random stangers think I’m strange or weird then I better change to what they want”.— Said by no one ever

      So get off your high horse. Yes, you are free to express your opinion. Yes, you can suggest that acting or being stupid will have people judge you differently. But just because you are getting older and dont like what younger girls are doing, doesnt give you the right to act like your way is so much better that the whole world should be living that way. How about you just get off facebook or block the people whos stuff you dont care to read.

    • Lauren

       Amen! Watch out for this woman. I just posted a very similar response, and she deleted it because she doesn’t want people challenging her views. Talk about a fake woman. She comes off as being a christian mother and woman, but I see nothing but fakeness, bitterness and judgement.

    • Lauren

       This was my response to her, but she deleted it:
      understand the idea of this and where it is coming from, but it is
      horribly written and presented in a manner that makes the author sound
      like a bitter young woman who was burned in the past, and is still
      jealous of the “popular” girls. I’d like to respond to these one by one,
      because several of them are actually more image-degrading and
      judgmental to teenage girls than what you are proposing them to be
      (uplifting and empowering).

      #1. I really hope you don’t portray this to your daughter the way you
      are writing it here. Of course it is inappropriate to flaunt your
      breasts in a “sexified” way as a woman. But it is also doing nothing to a
      teenage girls self esteem but make them worry and fret over what they
      are wearing then wording it the way you did. Young women need to also be
      told to be proud of their body – thin, curvy, whatever it may be. There
      is more to attracting the right man than how much of your boobs are
      showing. For a girl to attract the right kind of man, she needs to have
      self confidence. If she’s constantly worried that she’s showing too much
      skin, she’s going to be focused on the wrong things. For a girl to
      attract the right kind of man, you as a mother, need to instill morals
      and teach her what to look for in a man, not simply tell her not to
      flaunt her boobs. Women have boobs! It’s impossible to hide that. Men
      will look at women’s breasts even if they are fully covered, in the
      thickest turtle neck. Its just how guys work. From this comment it makes
      it sound like your husband or a boyfriend in the past spent a little
      too much time looking at other women rather than you, and you are bitter
      about it.

      #2. Of course tanning beds are bad, but what if your daughter wants
      to get a little tan for her prom? growing up, I went to the tanning bed
      twice in my teenage years, and both times were for dances. It was part
      of the whole prep for the “big day”. Plus by the way you framed it, you
      are teaching your daughter to make fun of girls based on appearance.
      (oh, and tanning beds are not the same as tanning lotions or spray tans –
      which are the ones that make you look orange). You are also putting
      down women who may have a natural tan. Again, sounds like you were
      jealous and bitter and have nothing better to do than make fun of girls
      who would like to get a tan.

      #3. Really? this is a piece of advice you would give your daughter?
      Sounds like you had or have some enemies or friends on facebook that do
      this, and you just threw this in there to lash out at them. Get over it.
      You’re doing the same thing in this comment, only your doing it through
      your blog, not on facebook.

      #4. What? This doesn’t even make sense.

      #5. Follow your heart is not the worse advice ever. It can be in
      certain situations, but for god sakes, do not say this to your daughter.
      You’ll be raising a girl who bases everything on scientific facts and
      rationalization, when in fact, many of her future life experiences will
      not make sense and in fact won’t add up when you are looking at them in
      the heat of the moment, but when you look back, sometimes following your
      heart was the best thing you could have done. AGAIN, sounds like you
      were burned in some way by following your hear, and I would put money on
      it, it involved a guy. Sorry you feel that way, but don’t pass that on
      to your daughter.

      #6. Why do you have to bring a man into every situation? How about
      telling HER, not to let HERSELF feel weak of inferior because of
      emotions? Let’s start there, and then she’ll have a good base for when
      the man comes into the picture. In fact, if you start with herself
      treating her that way, I would put money on it that you won’t even need
      to have the conversation about a man making her feel this way, because
      she’ll be confident enough to not let it get to that point.

      #7. Duh. Oh, and you might want to tell her that smoking is not
      HEALTHY before you tell her its not cool. Common’, you’re daughters
      smarter than that valley girl talk, right?

      #8. WRONG. You should care how you present yourself, and how true you
      are to yourself. “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me” isn’t a
      young girls defense against her reputation. Its her defense against her
      being herself and not caring about judgmental teenage girls who can just
      be downright spiteful. Common’, you were a teenage girl once – don’t
      you know this? Help her embrace her unique personality. That’s what she
      means when she says this.

      #9. True to an extent, but goodness, don’t tell your daughter she
      can’t ever ask for help! Some of these things are just how women come
      off, and jealous bitter women take it as “batting eyelashes” etc.
      Sometimes it is okay to be weak. God knows, no man wants a woman who
      doesn’t need him sometimes….

      #10. True, but there is also nothing wrong with wanting to be
      beautiful and to take care of yourself. Women love to look the best they
      can – perhaps a better way of wording it is working with what you have,
      and loving what you have.

  • fleur_de_lys

    Hard to get past the slut shaming in item 1.  How about, “girls, don’t let people judge you by what you’re wearing.”  

  • Lisa Williamson

    Only problem with number one is if you have largish breasts naturally and even when you wear turtle necks many males will still stare you right in the breasts and not in the face.  I rarely wear shirts that show cleavage but even at my slowly advancing age find there are males who would rather look at my chest…course as you get older sometimes it is nice to have them look

  • Laurie

    As a mom of three girls, this brought tears to my eyes.  If I say it, they won’t believe it.  It’s much more likely they’ll read this.. because I didnt.


  • Steve

    Great advice. I think I would also add: don’t be naive about pix you are posting on Facebook and other social networking sites

  • Pingback: On Reputation « Modicum of Talent, Flashes of Brilliance

  • Guest


    Emotion is merely a waste of energy and brainpower. Logic offers a serenity humans rarely experience. 

    • Ian Beyer

      Apparently Mr. Spock is participating in today’s discussion. 

      • Guest

        Your point being? The quote is true nonetheless. 

  • Finochiot

    Absolutely the best advise I’ve ever read for any woman. Way to say it like it is. This just inspired me today to make no compromises in my own life! 
    Thank you thank you thank you!

  • Araehunter

    Although i agree with a MOST of what you’re saying, i don’t think it’s wise to

    (1) tell young women that they shouldn’t dress a certain way else they attract a certain type of guy.  I think we should, instead, be teaching our young men to treat all women (all people, really) with respect.  Girls should feel free to dress in a way that is satisfying to them, not so they can attract one kind of guy over another.  As a busty woman (from the tender age of 14), i can’t tell you how many times i’ve been told i need to “cover up” or that i’m “drawing the wrong kind of attention” when i’m wearing perfectly normal clothes.  It’s a shame that send the message to our young ladies that they need to cover those babies up or get ready for a lifetime of the wrong kind of attention. 

     (8) tell them that they should care what others think of them.  It makes total sense to have a reality check that you DO care what others think of you, but if you really don’t, then that’s actually pretty grown up and awesome.  People, especially young women of today, should make decisions for themselves regardless of the popular opinion.

  • NCSU43

    I love how this has become an argument about God. If you’re atheist, that’s great, that’s your perspective and but stop trying to convince everyone there is no god, and if your religious, stop trying to convince everyone there is a god. Have your beliefs and that’s that, the only way you will be altering other people’s opinion’s is to be more radical in the direction they already are. And radicals are never fun to deal with. Also, even as a man, I totally disagree that a man is meant to fulfill a woman’s missing pieces. I think men undermine women way too much and need to respect both halves of the marriage/relationship more often.  Many of us men often feel that “more women should be after nice guys like me” or “women need to know their place” and so on and so on. Stop trying to control the way they want to live their lives, women are going to chase what they want to chase which is exactly what they should be doing, and men ought to start respecting their lifestyles a LOT more than we already do because most of us don’t deserve any women. I personally think most men are lucky any female wants them, let alone the best female they have in mind. P.s. the article is great and hopefully some young females take after it as best they can and still leave room for alterations.

  • Pimpinbastards

    Please pass this around to the parents that raise mysoginistic jerks!! How come there is so little preventative efforts for boys and men and how they “should not” be but that we as women are the cause for their disrespectful assanine behavior by wearing “shirts” that show our boobs and that embracing our sexuality means that somehow suddenly we shouldn’t deserve respect. What’s that about?! This article places the entire social responsibility on women and how not to seek attention because of a male inability to control himself and respect women regardless of what they look like That’s a little pathetic dont you think?

  • soccer_player_1095

    I enjoyed your post so much, I decided to write something similar. Check it out; it’s
    “Eleven Things I Want To Tell (Christian) Teenage Guys” @:

  • model woman

    When  the moms of teenage girls model this, teenage girls won’t need to read it on fb.

  • Leya

    Great article.  thank you for writing it!!

  • Adam

    Great advice.  One tiny correct. 

    you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts.”
    That’s pretty much all of them. Nearly all boys like to look down girls’ shirts. The problem with showing off your boobs is that you’ll attract the kind of boys who’s primary interest in you is based on what’s under your shirt and how easily they can get access to it.

  • Ali

    I believe this article applies towards all women, not just teenagers!

  • Rann2816

    I wish there were some way to MAKE teens listen!

  • C2sharpetam

    This is good advice and not just for teenaged girls

  • 90tommy67

    txfreethinker looks like Chester the molestor

  • Mollyzdreaming

    I agree with this entirely except one thing is missing. Stiving to be more (healthy, smart, sucessful, ect) starts with you. It is healty to want to be all of these things. Knowing where your personal goals and desires come from is what is really important. You are already special and beautiful and unique. Your desire to become more should always be a goal that is blind to the latest fashion or the most popular person. Self worth and what you do with it is the greatest achievement. It just needs to start and end with you. NOT who you are trying to be like or impress.

  • Pingback: Psalm 139 | brown eyed girl

  • Sarahehustead

    its nice how someone is able to write the truth!!! i hope many people read this and change for the better!!!

  • Spetersen01

    Ok the follow your heart one I disagree with. You should follow your heart just not your hormones…which is the thing most of them are following.

  • Shaddai Rios

    LOVE IT!!!!

  • Dancanfly

    Great thoughts and true!

  • Naomi Musch

    Great post! Straight forward, honest. I wrote a novel based on the theme of #5 — because “the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can understand it?” – Jeremiah 17:9. (The Green Veil, Desert Breeze Publishing). #1, #8, #10… Good stuff!

  • Guest

    I couldn’t have said it better myself!

  • Pingback: 10 Things to tell Teenage Girls « HELPWITHTHEHARDSTUFF

  • Kym Piez

    This is just so fabulous! Xx

  • Whole Woman

    Porn is not bad. Sex is not bad. Honest or fanciful depictions of sex are not bad. Sex is good and healthy. Thinking and talking about sex is good and healthy. Adults enjoying sexually provocative/graphic material is healthy and good. Lots of porn is poorly made and doesn’t do justice to women or to men or to sex. The answer to this is not to reject all pornography, but to make BETTER porn. Porn is not bad. Sex is not bad. Sex is not bad. Sex is not bad. 

  • Sjbgilmour

    1 through 9 I agree with in a ‘yeah, that’s right’ kinda way.  10, well ROCKS.  The only thing I’d add to is what I tell my daughters:  If they want to wear make-up, fine.  But, they don’t need to.  Do boys wear make-up?  No.  They’re not being told from day one that their natural face isn’t good enough to be seen in public.  Billions of dollars are being spent and even more made by an industry feeding off and fuelling female insecurity.  Women don’t need to wear make-up.  Period.  If they want to, that’s fine, but they’re beautiful without it.

  • Kelly Lester

    This is good advise for women of all ages not just teenagers! Great article!

  • Mark

    I’m with you except for #1. Every guy looks at boobs. Some just hide it well.

  • PamPigott

    To believe that we are specially created by GOD is very comforting. Moral values must be based upon something greater than ourselves or they become just so much flotsam born upon the winds of the fickleness of “feelings”. Relativism has done us, women, great injustice.

  • Cherrypie-93

    Waaaiit, about number 8 .. I understand what you’re trying to say, but I kind of disagree, I mean yes reputation matters, but I used to care about what other people think of me, the way I dressed, talked, acted, what kind of people I hanged out with. Yes, some people try to spread gossips to ruin your image in every possible way, BUT what YOU choose to do it up to you. You either react to it, trying to explain to everyone that you haven’t done this or haven’t said that, or you could simply just ignore it. You know what you did and said, no need to explain. If you care about what people think of you,  you stop being your self…

    The rest if up to you….
    that’s what I think :)

  • Jimmy Daher

    Awesome post!  I am sharing this with my daughter.  Thank you!

  • Shailaspry

    I Love this!!!! I Pray my daughter listens to this when she’s older!!! This is great not only for teens, but for ALL women!!!

  • Rtbailey

    I have beautiful granddaughters that I so hope read this.  love you all

  • Nicholebigwood

    So true.

  • Billandnancye

    I wish all young women could/would read and understand this.

  • Guest

    how did this conversation about what someone wishes to tell young women go into religion? there should be a #11 Do not steer off topic in a irrational manner, if nothing valuable, insightful or logical to add to the conversation always keep quiet otherwise you just look like an idiot

  • xxbobbitoxx

    #7 is a lie lmfao

  • Debbie Ann Cox

    Great article, but WOW look at the comment right below mine: this man has learned some valuable stuff from God that seems to be pretty insightful. Thank you Daviscarpenter! I am gong to copy your comments and ponder on it some more.

  • Merkey

    I wish I could tell my step daughter these things.

  • Dodson1435

    I absolutely love this! Great common sense perspective every girl needs to hear.

  • Winhouwen

    Good on you Katie! Love the message!

  • Chefd1010

    I love everything in this with the exception of number 5.  One who follows the heart lives with compassion and kindness and overall concern for others….  I believe you are talking about following the ego which is completely different.

  • Rubberduckies103

    I feel that the first rule of this whole thing is really unfair. I know that we live in a society where people need to be careful about what they wear, apparently wearing a hoodie is enough to get you killed in certain parts of the country, but I firmly believe that women should be allowed to wear WHATEVER they want, and not have to feel objectified. I should be able to wear a low cut shirt and a short skirt, and feel safe. There is a serious problem in our world when you have to change your appearance to prevent yourself from being harmed. 

    • Gregg

      “Harmed” and “Ogled” are two totally different things. Just because a man finds you attractive and looks at you doesn’t mean he’s going to harm you. 

      I personally find it flattering when I see a woman checking me out. Heck, we were at Gay Days at Disneyland last year and I was being checked out by guys, also flattering. My wife just thought it was funny until she started getting checked out by the girls. 

      • Gregg

        Forgot to add, she also found it flattering. 

  • Npalmer89

    I don’t completely agree with number 8. If teenagers are too worried about what others think about them, their true personalities won’t develop. Trying to “fit in” isn’t good for anyone. Just be yourself, and if yourself makes some people not appreciate or like you, so be it.

  • vivian

    i secretly think smoking is cool, i know its wrong, dont tell anybody. and i dont smoke.

  • Danielle Stanard

    I personally think teenage girls are on the receiving end of enough policing of their clothes, attitude, and behavior without anyone else chiming in.  The end is great, but it rings kind of hollow in the wake of “cover up your boobs,” “stop demurring to please boys,” and “make sure you care what everyone thinks about you.”  It’s amazing to me how fast we forget how complicated and difficult it is to be a teenage girl.

  • A_HJ

    There’s an important exception in number 8, you should not care what anyone thinks about you as long as you are honest with yourself. It really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks as long as you are doing the right thing, this unequivocally trumps how much your reputation matters with people who disagree with you because of their own narrow worlds. 

  • Amanda Clark

    This is a great article, and some of these things many young women (and some not so young) need to learn as well. Thank you!

  • Gregg

    This is great advice that I’m going to forward to my daughter. I do have issue with #1 though. Hate to break it to you but guys ogle women’s breasts. Simple as that. There is nothing you can do to stop this, including changing your own appearance. 

  • Kirkridgepastor

    Amen and Amen!!

  • Ron Christian

    Not only is smoking not cool, it stinks, it’s messy, it’ll ruin your clothes, and it leaves an ugly brown coating on everything.

  • Sy Webb

    #10 was amazing. we have lost touch with ourselves. -we have lost touch with our individuality and i agree with what this says. dont let the media win. a sexy appearance isnt everything… :) great stuff written here people.

  • Pingback: Link Love 4.6.12

  • Shonenotaku17

    Could this not be titled “Nine Things I want to Tell Young People, and One More I want to Tell Teenage Girls?”

    • Shonenotaku17

      Most of the stuff applies to anybody.

  • Usworthens

    So need this today for my little “10″ ager

  • Janeaecameron

    Fantastic advise. Please read ALL TEEN GIRLS

  • Kbethje

    My family all read and appreciated this. We cannot tell our daughters enough and in many ways that it is important to respect themselves. As for all the negative comments, too bad the point was missed. Thanks for the reinforcement!

  • Brenda jones

    Girls… Listen up! Also rule No. 11. Don’t say and act like you don’t want to show your boobs then turn around and buy padded push- up bras! Because when you do- no matter what you say everyone knows you are wanting to show off them boobs and make them look even bigger than they are! So your not fooling anyone but yourself. Come on moms, don’t put your young teens in push-up bras. They can get into enough trouble without your help! If you don’t but them , they cant wear them!

  • Herdofnoni

    thank you for your excellent and insightful advice for young girls and women of any age for that matter.. your words apply to anyone of any walk of life.. be true to yourself and make wise decisions:) thanks again.. i will be reitterating these thoughts to many a young girl.. and for that matter have reitterated many similar thoughts to my own daughters of 17 and 15….. as dr seuss said..” be who you are and think what you will for those who mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind…”

  • Don

    To me, the thing I dislike about the folks that throw in the God card is that they always are so arrogant in their assertions that “only through God” this, and “Only by God’s will” that. Why does there have to be a God for people to behave in a civilized manner? I don’t see where that equates. Sure, maybe for those individuals it only possible for them to fight off the urge to grab a rifle, and climb the stairs to the clock tower if they believe God will get them if they do, but I don’t need that to be so. I can be good all by myself. That being said, if they want to respond to a post like this, and tint it with their view through their God colored glasses, who gives a flying fig?If you don’t feel that way, don’t post like that, or find some way to express your feelings. Just bashing them is goofy in the head. This article is about helping young ladies to think in a positive way, and bashing someone who is trying to agree with that is as goofy as their notion of the cosmos. comment on the article, and not the response thread. (Unless, of course, you are flaming the goobers who do just that. )   ;)  

  • Elizabethmking

    I’m an 18 year old involved in the modeling industry. This advice is valuable, and I wish more girls would adhere to it. Contrary to popular opinion, the modeling industry has standards too. Put trashy pictures up online and in your portfolio, and good agents/agencies won’t take a second look at you. No matter what your goals are, a good reputation, a brain, self respect and tolerance and respect for others will get you farthest. To all those that have turned this page into a “religious discussion:” no matter what your beliefs, this is important for teenage girls to
    know. So be mature and stop causing cyber-drama. Thanks. :)

  • Jetbluegirl

    Why is it the girls responsibility to dress “appropriately” and not the boys responsibility to respect the girl?  If we want our girls NOT to wear provocative clothing, then I guess we better stop sending the messages that it makes them valuable, which means we better stop buying the products with the famous, beautiful women on them!

  • I’m so bad :)

    “To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts.”

    i.e. “all of them”? The ones that don’t look down girls’ shirts like other boys. ;)

  • Loki

    At 68 I have spent 43 years with a woman who is enough in every way you can measure. I always hated the girls who would refuse ot have an opinion until I did.  ”Where do you want to eat?  ”What do you want to do?”  ” Oh  I don’t know – whatever YOU want to do” they would say as I wondered if they actually had likes, dislikes, opinions, etc.  were they real people or Barbies?

  • Ali

    Great article! There are some common sense things i am constantly telling my girls in the youth group I work with!!
    Thank you for mentioning the passive aggressive facebook posts I’ve seen how much hurt that causes!!
    Also regarding feeling self worth one of my girls wrote this beautiful piece for our blog site about words and how they can make you feel ugly. Check it out!!

  • adeal

    Thank you so much! I share similar thoughts with my teenage daughters and their friends…it’s so nice to have backup! :)

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls « J. Han Blog

  • Koshadog1

    I totally agree with everything I just read. I am amazed by the things that I hear come from the girls mouths in my sociology class because most of the time it leaves me scratching my head…

  • Treyce Montoya

    One word… AWESOME !!  I shared it on Facebook. Thanks!

  • DimmestChap

    Hey now, Let’s not bash on the pornography industry. We need that one. 

  • Rebecaltm

    I agree with most, although I think number 8 is wrong. All my life I cared about what others thought about me and all it did was drag me down. Some say it matters that people don’t think you’re a bad person. Honestly, anyone who actually believes what they hear about me from others is not someone I would like to get to know.

  • SomeoneWithaComment

    Very good advise, I just wish teenagers would read this article more and pass it along.  We do live in a parallel universe where the media feeds men a completely different picture of women – ronchie, slutty, and they wannt to be treated as such.  And the media feeds women another completely different picture of what they need to be to attract a man and the picture of a man, the prince on the whit horse.   Media, as in movies, video games.  So, it’s not wonder there is so much abuse and crimes agains women.  Statistics show that for every 10 acts of domestic cirme, 9 are commited by men toward women.  That alon should say something about the state of our society.  If anyone thinks video games and/movies dont influence society, then why do companies push commercials and infomercials to sell us an idea to buy that idea….good article.  Wish it could be heard more.

  • Pingback: Teenage Girls « Denise Hotze

  • Pingback: Saturday Sampling April 7, 2012 | StoneWritten

  • Angela Klacking

    I wish I’d seen this 20 yrs, 50 diets, 100+ trips to the tanning bed and
    Many boyfriends ago lol

  • Pingback: » Weekend Links The Homestyle

  • soccer_player_1095

    Your article inspired me to write something similar on my blog titled :
    Eleven Things I Want To Tell (Christian) Teenage Guys. Thanks!

  • Wanitaw2d

    thanks so much for sharing or composing this.  I have two daughters who are 17 and 19.  They are very conservative in their dress,  have great grades, have ambition, but do not always have that extra self confidence.  I am going to send them this.  Thank you so much.

  • shirley

    Your first comment caught my eye, as immodesty seems to be a huge problem–even with girls as young as very young teenagers. However, I have noticed a lack of modesty with some people my age (63). There are some women who are showing cleavage;IF it were every pretty, it sure isn’t at that age. With all due respect, though, if the picture with your blog is you, the dress you have on would be better were it not low enough to show cleavage. Where do you draw the line?

  • Pingback: Around the web this week (4/7/12)

  • Kevin

    Was losing time reading the fights before my comment, anyways, very good  thoughts. Actually, GREAT thoughts. Girls need to understand and see that the world’s standards are NOT what men really like. Every woman is beautiful,and every woman should accept herself as she is, make herself be respected (without offending of course) and be smart! showing skin works for the people like the guys from “Jersey Shore” and all those shallow/horny guys out there. Real men want women that know that they’re beautiful, and therefor don’t need to show anything.

    • A “real” man

      “Real men” don’t exist. Whatever archetype you construct is a lie. Some people like to see skin, some don’t. Some cast their desire to control a women as a plea for her to “not need to show anything” while some want a woman whose image shows she’s not concerned with fitting a wider image of “sexy”. 

      It doesn’t help to create false “real men” anymore than it helps to create one single image of what is or should be sexy in a woman. Men, like women, are complex and multifaceted beings, and we should operating from that perspective not telling people how to be “real”. 

      How about this: girls if you don’t like how he acts towards you or the demands he places on you, or the comments he makes about other women, don’t be with him. Don’t date him. Don’t marry him. Its that simple. Decide how you want to dress by yourself, and demand respect of your boundaries and your right to feel safe.

      • J.D.

        Thank you, thank you thank you. Yes to all of this,  A “real” man.  Really important stuff. 

  • Springmae

    Guys taught me this more than women. Amen this is so right. I could add 1000 things, but this is a wonderful start.

  • Megyn @Minimalistmommi

    Your #1 is off. Sorry, but it is. Why do we lay the blame on women for wearing clothes that are “too provocative”? Why not teach our boys to look for a partner with character, no matter what she is wearing. Doesn’t that seem like a better option that telling all our girls to cover up because they are solely responsible for sending ‘bad” messages to boys? I was a teenage who who wore plunging necklines and short skirts, but what drew people to me was my loud, opinionated mouth and tenacity, not my clothes. Later, I converted to Islam for 7 years. I bought into the whole covering up for modesty B.S. And what I realized after leaving the religion is that we need to teach both genders that exterior appearance has littler bearing on one’s character. I now wear whatever the hell *I* like and don’t give a flying f*ck if someone judges me because I know exactly why I wear what I do. So let’s teach our kids the same things: be yourself, wear what you personally like, know why you choose the clothes you do, and judge others based on the quality of character over physical attributes of a character. 

    • Anonymous

      Wrong – O! Number 1 is dead on!!

  • Erin@mommyonthespot

    Love this post!!! 9 and 10 are my personal favorites. Thanks for a great post!

  • Anonymous

    Outstanding! You sound like a wise woman. I have two daughters, 15 & 21 and they would tell you I could have written this. But some of their friends make fun of them because their mom is so uptight. They just smile because they believed ME. :)

  • Susanfe

    addendum to #7:  Lung cancer is painful.  It will devastate your family to see you suffer this pain.

  • Kristen Johnson

    i tell this to all the girls at my school and they never listen to it. I, myself am a teenage girl and have known everything you have written above for my whole life. it’s just the way i think. haha people try to comment and say i’m different, and my response is “i know i’m different, and i  like to be. i don’t want to be like the over dramatic girly-girls at our school. i am my own person and i do everything in my own way. if you don’t like it then i guess you’re shit out of luck.”

  • Pingback: crazy kiddos | Pearltrees

  • David

    I’m sure I speak for all of us who have teenage daughters. Thanks!

  • Pingback: Friday Five: Things I Want to Tell Women of All Ages (especially Teenagers) « Viva la KP!

  • Pfordc

    Bravo!  Well said.  I am printing this commentary for my granddaughters.  Also posted on my Facebook page.  You clinched it!  

  • Taylor Sandy79

     I hope that as a retired high school teacher I conveyed all of these ideas to my girls, but, looking back, having this list would’ve made it so much easier! Thanks for these truths.

  • Mary Lee Sexton

    This is a very true to the point way of letting not only girls but women of all ages that are emotionally abused everyday, know that self worth and self respect are extremely important! That having this respect should never stop. Women tend to fall for the commercial hype of what beautiful means…Be yourself, love yourself…you are beautiful no matter what! Be proud and live! Inner beauty out weighs outer beauty any day. Love all, help someone in need. Don’t be afraid to care. Be beautiful!!

  • Pingback: 10 Things for Girls and Young Women |

  • Shodgson77

    Having taught eighth grade for 23 years I can agree to the beautiful wisdom here. There is, however, a time and place for a woman to wear at least moderately revealing attire; that is, when it is done for herself in the appropriate environment when she has the confidence to stare right back. As well as girls I teach boys and nothing, NOTHING gives them the right to take advantage of a girl under any circumstance. Please readers, insist that young people learn two things: 1. Taking responsibility
                  2. Empathy

  • Susan Baumgaertner Fentz

    I disagree with number 2. 

    • Anonymous

      You must not be in your late 30′s yet. My last reunion proved this point. I look 10-15 years younger than the girls who tanned. I am 46 and have never stepped foot in one and taught my daughters the same. My 21 year old has the most beautiful porcelain skin and it would be ruined if she tanned.

  • Apryckman

    I think it’s good advice but the one about caring what people think about you is not correct. You shouldn’t care what people think as long as you are proud of yourself that’s all that matters.

  • Righteous Indignation

    As a man – I have to call bs on number 1. Most heterosexual boys enjoy seeing breasts, and will look, but women should be able to dress as they want without fear of being harassed or assaulted. I am not an animal, I am not a captive of my sexual desires, and I won’t let other men use that excuse.

    Teen girls, demand that you be respected as an intelligent and thinking human being, regardless of your body or how you dress. Don’t screw or date anybody who doesn’t get that. And don’t fall for that bad boy crap, if he treats you like shit, he treats you like shit, and their are rebels and revolutionaries living dangerous lives who believe your opinions have value, that your worth is not tied to your sexuality, and that you deserve to feel emotionally and physically safe.

  • JessicaJWilliams23

    Thanks to my Daddy for teaching me all of this. Thanks to my Momma for demonstrating it.

  • schwanhilda

    Thank you for a great post. Many of the things you mention I have been telling my daughter (and my sons for that matter) since they were born! It is refreshing to see common sense still exists. =0)

  • Mguzzi

    I like this as a teenage girl this is really good advice thanks

  • Smedlynf

    Sorry, if you are labeling yourself an emotional being then you have allowed yourself to be irrational and victimize your friends and loved ones with your issues.  It’s okay to have emotions but the difference between humans and animals is that we know how to think rationally.  You are definitely less than a man if you cannot do that, no question.

  • Stretchling

    Words of advice to young girls and old maids: “Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you,” “Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you,”  No, go on. Let me reach that. I think we’ll need some .25″ screws to anchor that. Carry your schoolbooks? I’ll bring the groceries in. I can install that. Is it USB or network connected? We live shabby and mediocre lives. The little moments we get to say, “stand aside, I’ll get that for you, ma’am,” the invisible yellow S on our chests suddenly visible, render us temporarily heroic, inserting one brief panel inked by Jack Kirby into pages and pages and cheeto-fingered pages drawn out by Harvey Pekar. A difficult jar is to these Clark Kent hands a yellow sun.  We know we are not Lord Hamlet, nor were meant to be. But in this Osric life, your grateful smile, your impressed smirk, oblitterates the weary hours uptown, spent catering to a million jerks. ”Where would I be without you?” On a step-stool, I know. Carrying it yourself. Under your car, or driving it yourself to the shop. I know. We lose not one drop of respect for the one who asks. We know you can. Just give us an excuse to strut, and maybe flex. It’s been a long week.
    No, go on.
    Let me reach that. I think we’ll need some .25″ screws to anchor that. Carry your schoolbooks? I’ll bring the groceries in. I can install that. Is it USB or network connected?
    We live shabby and mediocre lives. The little moments we get to say, “stand aside, I’ll get that for you, ma’am,” the invisible yellow S on our chests suddenly visible, render us temporarily heroic, inserting one brief panel inked by Jack Kirby into pages and pages and cheeto-fingered pages drawn out by Harvey Pekar. A difficult jar is to these Clark Kent hands a yellow sun.
    We know we are not Lord Hamlet, nor were meant to be. But in this Osric life, your grateful smile, your impressed smirk, oblitterates the weary hours uptown, spent catering to a million jerks.
    “Where would I be without you?” On a step-stool, I know. Carrying it yourself. Under your car, or driving it yourself to the shop. I know. We lose not one drop of respect for the one who asks. We know you can. Just give us an excuse to strut, and maybe flex. It’s been a long week.

  • Pingback: Midweek Link Lunch – April 4 « Table Reading

  • Pingback: Girls, this is for you | Freedom Trails

  • Mumstouch2000

    TThank-you very much for posting this. I KNOW this is intended for younger girls to read but you’ll NEVER KNOW what you’ve just done for me as a Aunt who cares very much for her neice and she doesn’t think I do. Worse yet she has a low self esteem issue. I HOPE this gets out to many,many,many girls!! Also parents,Aunts, cousins. Who ever has any girls in their lives that they care care about. THANK-YOU VERY,MUCH AGAIN!!!

  • Pingback: Repost of Ten things I want to tell Teenage girls. by Kate Conner « openheartedmindrjs338

  • Yadira Romancelly

    IMO this is a much better article written to address the fact that we shout NOT be teaching our young women to buy into disrespecting and judging others of the same gender culture but rather to know the difference when they are being used as instruments to further the cause of not being able to be themselves respected NO MATTER WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO LOOK LIKE and that their PEERS won’t think less of them because they made a few bad choices.

  • Yadira Romancelly


  • Stacey K

    Oh, gosh, this is an awesome list. I’d love to share it with all of the 9th grade girls I teach!

  • Emarshall

    this list is wack. 

    “Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being.” men aren’t emotional beings? we’re just robotic predators who feed on women because they’re the more inferiorly constructed sex? that’s just demeaning to everybody.

     “Follow your heart is probably the worst advice ever.” with no context or explanation? maybe to some girl out there at this moment, following her heart might mean ending a pattern of abuse or taking control of her career.

    “If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boob…the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts. If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up.” so because straight men enjoy looking at body parts of the opposite sex that they’ve been basically genetically programmed to like to look at, they’re automatically skirt-chasers and cheats? being a pig about it is one thing, but it’s perfectly natural to want to look at the physical features of a person that you find attractive. and i don’t think that people should be made to feel ashamed for doing it, especially when they’re young and still figuring out their sexuality. why make this any harder and more confusing for young people than it already is? why force them to view their biological urges as inappropriate or wrong? how will that lead them to become more confident, sexually responsible adults?

    i’m all for educating and empowering all people, young and old, about gender roles, but it seems like the education should start with the writer of this post, because while i agree with the overall message, there’s a palpable undercurrent of anti-male, anti-human sexuality, and oddly enough, even anti-female stuff happening here.

  • Emarshall

    if you’re going to censor any and all user comments that present dissenting opinions, even when logically reasoned and carefully worded, you owe it to your readers to be upfront about that. 

  • Richard

    This is good advice from an 85 year old man.

  • David J Root

    Well said.

  • Supermancan

    From a man’s perspective. As much a I believe in the truth of everything that is said here by the author and it’s great that she’s saying it, I can’t help but observe that the real reason that these these young (and older I’m sure) girls have image problems is not because of the beauty industry machines pervading presence, rather it’s that it’s a greater presence and pervasiveness than any other institute in their lives and it is reinforced by everyone in their lives including their parents and all authority figures. It’s because society values these things so highly and has since the fall. What young women need and young men for that matter parents who truly love God themselves to the point where they aren’t so influenced by these carnal values. I’ve noticed that when children have a foundation laid within them by TRULY God loving patents who are involved in their lives, they don’t usually (never?) have image problems.

  • Pingback: Where does your value come from | San Jacinto Times Staff Blog

  • Rbelew1

    I have to say as a divorced mom with 2 teenagers, and no child support, that this was very inspiring to me… Both of my kids are giving me hell right now (apology for the foul language), and their dad works outta town… I’m personally on counseling because I endured a very emotionally abusive ex-husband… And until I got in counseling, I never knew how much DAMAGE that man did to me…

    Thank you for your words… I am truly blessed by reading them..

  • Joy Ricks

    I would tell teenage girls, that if they don’t respect themselves, no one else will either.  So have enough respect for yourself not to dress like a hooker, act like one or guys will treat you like one.

  • Yve

    Oh I just blogged ‘love does not equal knowing exactly what you want without you needing to say a word’

    I love teen girls, but honestly guys

  • Carrie

    I’m passing this onto my nieces!  Thank you for the post!

  • Cylehumphrey

    You is kind. You is beautiful. You is important.

  • Pingback: Beauty engrained « blessingsandlaughter

  • Gjcorley

    This is good advice for all women, young and old.

  • Herb Sennett

    This should be placed in every textbook in every elementary and high school in our nation. Unfortunately, it would probably get a lot a laughs and only a few ah-ha’s. Good stuff, here!

  • Only1cres

    Good stuff

  • Gabtip

    nice writting, i agree with all you wrote but with all my entire respect doesn’t tell anything new, living in a society that live and “depend”  of  all the mistakes you point  and the personal fear of been alone just make everybody coming back to the same mistakemaybe is ok or maybe not finding the balance between been alone and part of society is part of lufe

  • Mjvonn57

    Who is this person? I do not agree with all of this.

  • 561lisa

    There are years of wisdom here!

  • Smithgene45

    sorry, but it seems like a story of hidden messages and meanings in a story telling people not to engage in hidden messages and meanings.

  • Faruqui369

    I like the above proposition. Moreover we must be practical & accept all positive attitude. Faruqui

  • Pingback: blagoblogs | Pearltrees

  • Barbara Garrett

    I think your 10 things are very good advice. One thing I notice the picture does not represent the message.  B Garrett

  • Oaks

    Ahh! Beautifully done. NEver too old for this advice.

  • Onlykarenmc


  • Ashley Najarian

    I have to disagree with numbers five and eight, respectfully of course.

  • Aclinford05

    Thank you so much for this. I think this is something that all women, not just teenage girls, can benefit from. We all fall prey to self-defeating thoughts that damage our self-esteems from time to time. I am in my mid-twenties and am still working on accepting myself as who I am and not worry about who I’m not. It’s a process and takes time, but we’ll get there.
    Great advice!

  • Anita cuddy

    Awesome.  Well-stated.  I wish they taught a woman’s study course for teenagers and shared more things just like this.  Girls need to be celebrated, but more importantly, taught that they are worthy and deserving of respect just the way they are. 

  • Anita cuddy

    Also, most of the comments confuse me because this article stands on it’s own.  I don’t understand why we’re arguing about topics that have nothing to do with the message here.  Our girls from day one are looked upon and given worth if they’re pretty.  Well, good for all the lucky girls with perfect genetics.  What about the other 90% of us who have big hips, flat noses, squinty eyes, and red naturally curly hair that never does what it’s supposed to?  Do you suppose we’re just as deserving of love, respect, and basic human regard?  I think there are way more nerds in the world than models and I say no matter what category you fall into, girls everywhere need to learn to support and love one another instead of competing for the attention of the almighty man.  Pursue personal accomplishment and happiness and see if you don’t attract the attention of a man who is drawn to your power and strength and energy who will walk to the ends of the earth just to get to spend 10 minutes around someone so special.  Won’t it be equally wonderful when you get to the end of your life and feel happy and complete even if you don’t find Mr. right because you found yourself instead?  Go Girls! 

  • anonymous

    thank you! i think this is absolutely wonderful =) i was wondering, though, have you written a post, or can you write a post that tells girls who are this or have been this how to change? i personally would really appreciate that wisdom as well!

  • Bobbie Berendson

    Thank you

  • Pingback: A letter to my 14 year old self « hahalizzay

  • embarrassed19

    I like this and agree with what you say. To add a comment to #1: I do not wear low cut shirts or booty shorts but still find that men stare me down and whistle at me sometimes. I HATE it. I want to just break down and cry right then and there because it seems like no matter what I wear (tshirt and capris in this instant) some nasty guys insist on degrading me in public places, like the grocery store.  It’s just not fair. I don’t want to have to wear a turtle neck and baggy sweatpants every day just so those incidents don’t recur. Someone needs to make one of these for guys and make it mandatory that every last man reads it. I don’t know if they think we take whistling and hooting as compliments but I sure as heck don’t. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel embarrassed. I find that on my university campus guys don’t do this, maybe they are smart enough to keep it to themselves instead of shouting it out loud, I’m thankful for that. It would be a nightmare to have to face that every day at school. I’m only 19, by the way.

    • Moranka64

      Don’t own their behavior.  Their reactions to seeing you are obviously the only way they know to express themselves.  How sad that their lack of intelligence is so obvious for all to see.  They are sort of handicapped, in a way.  No one taught them the appropriate replacement behaviors, so whistling and commenting is the only thing in their repertoire.  You, in contrast, have obviously been taught that respect looks and sounds very different than that.  Celebrate that you know better.  Celebrate that you are not “flattered” the way some women are…they are also to be pitied for never having been taught correctly.  Hold your head high and face them.  Be embarrassed for THEM.  Poor things…  

  • Guest321

    I think its really hilarious that on this uplifting, happy, believe in yourself kind of article the battle of religions strikes yet again( I’ll have my input too: all of you do realize that no one can prove it until they are dead, and then we can’t prove it because we’re dead so where is the sense in fighting? How about we all just wait and find out who is right?)

  • Snamsick95

    How did this go from a discussion on how teenage girls should respect and love themselves regardless of what society sees of them, to talking about how God is amazing/I’m an atheist/Let’s not bash religion conversation? I feel we readers may have strayed from the point of this article…

  • Guest

    I personally like boobs.

  • Johnathan Smythe

    Why do you remove arguments that don’t agree with you? I don’t agree with 9 out of the 10 points you make in this article, mainly because you preach it like it’s the gospel when it’s not. 

    • Camiar22


  • Elbe

    I would add…11) Don’t expect other people to make you happy. That is an unrealistic expectation to put on another person. Happiness is a choice and it comes from within. 12) Love and respect yourself. How do you expect other people to love, respect and believe in yourself. How do you expect others to believe in you if you don’t. 13) Be open to new things. You never know what opportunities are waiting for you when you remain open to things you never imagined. 14) Dream big! You are worth it and you deserve it!

  • jennifer olland

    This was really amazing…so many young girls need to let these words sink in!

  • Lamberts

    For my girls… some good advice. :)

  • Berrygirl82

    all i gotta say is it dont matter the cut of your shirt. you’ll meet who you’re suppose to be with, whenever you meet them. go ahead and search all you want. when you’re not looking, is when you’ll find them. they won’t care what you’re wearing. what you do for a living. how much you make. nor what your religion is. if they’re suppose to be with you, its based on your personality and heart and mind. not how you look or how you look beside them, nor what you do or will do for them. they enjoy you for you. and actually know YOU. and the same is to be returned. all the time, not just some of it. 

  • Giumentismith


  • A Dancing Princess

    God is the only one who can fulfill but He created our spouses to Complete us!!!! so there will be bits of us that are missing and incomplete, and when we meet that One, we will fit together to make a beautiful whole!

  • Anonymous

    Excellent advice except for the one about not caring what others think or say about you.  One of my patients once dropped a bit of wisdom on me, “What others think of you is none of your business….”  He claimed it to be a paraphrase of a Buddhist principle – gotta look that one up sometiume.  The garbage that exists in the school social ecosystem (and it doesn’t stop at school – it continues to plague workplace environments – high school never really does end….) is largely that, garbage being flung about by peers.  The better you are able to ignore it…. to not care what others think of you…. is liberating….. in short, I see a lot of damage done to my female patients who are overly concerned about the garbage that their peers think and say about them

    This is provided you are conducting yourself honorably and that you develop the ability to recognize your good qualities and to do something about the not-so-good ones….

    In the end, the only one you have to impress is yourself and whatever you take to be your Higher Power if your personal philosophy contemplates such things…..

  • thinkAgain

    Don’t follow your heart? Worry what others think of you?
    Poor, poor ‘advice.’ You are building a woman who will eventually be teeming with regret.
    “Okay. I won’t follow my heart. Instead, I’ll take this career that pays well and everyone will be ‘proud’ of, because I care what others think of me.”
    Bad idea…

    • Camier22


  • Kirubup

    Good lord, women really are pathetic. In reality women have been empowed for so long that in essence we live in a police state with nanny laws. Our society has enslaved the human male with huge child support and alimony.  The message should be “You have enough.” 

    Advice for a teenage son: Stay away from women, they are parasitic, their spending habits are out of control. They always have to have the next shiny thing. Once they have exhausted your finances, they will divorce you, move on to another host and still have 30-40% of your income court ordered into their bank account.

    • Moranka64

      Wow, really, Kirubup?  That was really pathetic.  I am so sorry you are lonely, and alone.  Good luck with that.

  • Ladybugbookworm

    This is very true. The way you dress attracts good or bad.Do the good

  • Lisa Tharp Richardson

    Excellent advice!!!  I will pass this on to my daughters and friends with the hope that none of it will be new news to them (smile).  Thank you for this article – well written and MUCH appreciated!

  • Pingback: Right on « The Vagina Manifesto

  • hntn

    This is great advice.  It’s too bad society (sorry, but it’s mostly men) can’t understand how frustrating it is to women to constantly be judged on their looks.  Women aren’t supposed to age and when we do we have to constantly fight a battle we won’t be able to win.  How depressing is that?!  Once society (men) begin to value women and hold them in the same regard as themselves, then all of this will pass.  Sad.  Empower women, teach men.  

  • Cyann McClellan

    I LOVE this post.  Thanks for taking the time to write it and being “spot on” with it.  No, I’m not a teen, I am the grandmother of some teen girls [as well as boys].

  • Cheryl Snyder

    You are awesome in the eyes of God!

  • Michael

    I agree with all this but question number 10 a bit. You can feel “beautiful” all you want, but when you walk down the streets with unkempt hair, whiskers, rough and dry skin splots, waring baggy or dirty cloths..etc…you are not beautiful. You will feel the negativity coming from everyone and will be depressed fast. Now of course women don’t always need to look like models, I get that, but they, and this goes for men too, need to respect their Temple and besides that, who doesn’t feel better when your clean and looking good?

  • Pingback: Ten Things She Wants To Tell Teenage Girls | Rooted

  • Proffitt

    So well-put, all of these.  #6 is one even at 37, I could stand to remember.  

  • ToThePoint

    Kate, this is some great  advice. Well said and direct. I appreciate your “calling out” of-sorts for young women to behave in ways that demonstrate respect for themselves as well as others.

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls | Kate Conner | YouthWorkerCircuit |

  • Camiar22

    Interesting how there are quite a few comments removed. Should have left them.

  • Talbin5151

    Thank you for the wisdom and truth you have shared here.

  • Glennbeck

    Pretty obvious that yall are are a  bunch of antisemites. Sooo what else do you want to bash?

  • Pingback: Sharing a Blog Post I Found | The Bookwyrm's Den

  • Ccstokes13

    I just read this to my 15 year old niece and will share it with my 8 year old daughter next.

  • Sara

    Wonderful advice

  • Cindy O.

    I am kind of on the fence about number 8.  There are certain things you should care what people think about you, but just as many where other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter.  For example…I am pro-choice and if you don’t like it, I don’t care.   I am compassionate towards others…I don’t care if that bothers someone.

  • J.K.

    Many of these are pretty good, and ring true to me, but some of these are a little problematic.  Especially number one.  I think it’s extremely important that teenage girls know that they do not have to dress sexy, that they don’t have to live based on unrealistic beauty standards from the media.  But to be like: “if you dress sexy you’ll only get scummy guys,” is reductive and problematic.  If a woman wants to explore and express her sexual self, why is that bad?  If she’s dressing sexy for HERSELF, because she likes the styles and isn’t just doing it because she feels like she has to to get attention from men, why should that be a problem? Lets not shame girls who dress sexy.  Dressing “slutty” doesn’t make a woman a “slut,” and who cares if a woman likes sex and has sex with multiple people, anyway? Why do we always want to punish women for being sexual beings?  

    Men who ONLY  value women if they dress modestly are not looking at the woman, only the clothes.  They want a pure virginal unrealistic ideal that says that women have to live under certain rules of behavior to be respected. That women have to be “pure.”  That’s pretty superficial, and doesn’t allow women to be three-dimensional complicated beings. Men who don’t respect women who sometimes dress sexy because they are dressing sexy ARE misogynists, and women should steer clear of them.   Don’t hate on sexual women. Let them express themselves.  It’s up to men to be good men, not up to women to make them good men by being forced to dress in a way that makes men more “comfortable.”I myself tend to prefer to dress more modestly, but that is because it’s what I’m used to from the community I grew up in.  I’m not promiscuous, but if I choose to dress sexy one day, that is for me, and not any representation of who I am as a person.   I think women should be able to dress however makes them feel comfortable, modest or sexy, without fear for their safety. It’s expression, that’s all.  And don’t give men a free pass by saying “men can’t control themselves.” They can.  They can feel sexual feelings and not act on them, they can learn to look below the surface.  There ARE good men out there who see the person, who don’t judge based on women fitting into outdated puritanical value systems.  Men, try to be that guy.  Love the woman, not whether she dresses to your “ideal.” Some modest dressers can be very sexy, and some sexy dressers are not promiscuous. A person’s clothes do not determine their value.  And that whole a woman should worry about her “reputation” thing sounds pretty Victorian to me. 

  • Marianne Capellen

    Oh, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!  As a female, THANK YOU for saying this! Concisely, plainly and in common language, THANK YOU!  I wish I’d been told some of this a long time ago.  As the mother of sons, THANK YOU!!  Because I’m trying to teach my sons to NOT be oglers of women and unfortunately, they are/were a little on the shorter side for a long time and breasts were at EYE LEVEL!!  My younger son has no respect for women/girls who dress badly and allow their bodies to be on display.  He thinks they are “trashy women” (and he is almost 16)!  Again, THANK YOU!!

    • J.K.

      Congrats on teaching your son to judge women not as human beings and not by the content of their heart or soul, but simply by the clothing they wear.   Convincing boys that women who dress sexy are “trashy” disrespects women and leads to greater violence. Men who are raised to think women who dress sexy are “slutty” or “trashy” are more inclined to think those women have no value, and therefore they can be abused and raped because obviously they “wanted it.”  This is totally untrue.  As someone who is well aware of rape statistics, it makes me sick to my stomach to hear about your son’s attitude.  

      There’s nothing wrong with people thinking other people are attractive, seeing that and mentally acknowledging it– just teach your sons to respect women as equal human beings who shouldn’t be judged by appearances but by who they are. Teach them to respect THEMSELVES by teaching them that they are in control of their own behavior, that they have the power to see people as people and that they do not need women to dress like nuns because of the myth that men can’t control their sex drive or learn to see past a pair of boobs. They can. 

  • Judy

    Never ever forget that you are indeed a divine daughter of God.  No one can take that away from you.  You are capable of all things, loved unconditionally, and beautiful beyond your comprehension.

  • Sharon Vineyard

    This is all so true!  

  • Julia Siegel


  • Leeanne Allred

    Nicely set!

  • Nicoleoxley

    Thank you for posting this!!!!… niCOle

  • just me.

    Thank you. 

  • KayACalkins

    I disagree with number 8. We should only care what Jesus thinks of us.

  • Brian De Jong

    Not so sure about the follow your heart thing…I followed mine and she is my life. But the whole beauty thing is true! I’m not sure who in the fashion industry decided that girls have to look like boys (no curves!) but that is BS! You are beautiful in all your various shapes and sizes. ‘nuf sed.

  • Pinupprincess25

    I love this I’m almost forty and found that it also pertained to me as well.

  • Andrea Graham

    Only one point of disagreement:  in bible-speak, to value our reputation with someone is to fear them. The bible is clear we are to fear God, not men.  If we value our reputation with men, we are guilty of idolatry (and He has convicted me of this myself.) We are to live to please God, not men, and thus we should only care what *GOD* thinks of us. We are the Lord’s servants and should regard only his judgment of us. Only what He says about us really matters in the long run. If we are living exclusively to please Him, any loss of reputation we do suffer for righteousness’ sake will be rewarded in full in the Kingdom. Of course, if anyone here isn’t under the authority of King Jesus, by all means, live in the fear of your own gods. If you’re worshiping humanity, I personally think you’ve chosen rather harsh judges and cruel masters overall, but that’s your right.

  • Jinzo

    You said we should care about what people think of us, but then you clarified that the media shouldn’t have an effect on us. I honestly think girls shouldn’t care of what people say of them, it only makes them a self-conscious freak, and it’s very hard to keep that up. At the end of the day, everyone is not thinking about you, they are all thinking about themselves and what they do or did. At the end of the day, do you think about how she was trying to please guys of her outfit, or if she is happy that she got a B on her test, or about how happy she is that her parents got her a car? No. At the end of the day, you are only thinking of yourself. So in all honesty, you shouldn’t care what people are thinking about you. Unless it is something that is affecting them greatly, and unless it is for your own health. Reputation is for people who care about their pride too much. It’s a sick label. As long as you know you are doing the right thing, others’ opinions should not matter to you.

  • Cjpaxton100

    wonderful message and so true.  Should be required reading in all schools for ages 6 and up to senior citizens!

  • Guest

    “Follow your heart” is fantastic advice. “Follow your desires” is bad advice, and there’s a difference between looking for pleasure/gratification, and looking for happiness, and I find that at the end of the day, the experiences  I find to be the most worthwhile are guided by what I genuinely love and am interested in.

  • Heatherediane

    I plan on showing this to my teenage girl, she thinks when I try to tell her theses things I am un-cool or better yet dont know how things are now. I have also had the battle with her that calling friends names such as b’*^h or hoe or even the C U Next Tuesday is not funny endearments or acceptable as “we just joke like that” . It is degrading and not positive, yet commercial America dreams it as acceptable in the music that is out there to the shows that on prime time etc. if these girls understood how special and unique being a woman is this would not be accepted even among friends. And to the people who support the porn industry I have some questions, if their daughter/sister made the misfortunate choice to pose for those photos would the fathers/brothers pass those photos to their
    buddy’s? If not why pass the photos of someone else’s daughter/sister? Because they are a nameless person to you? Women need to respected we are the glue that holds families together thus the planet. What would this world do if we all went on strike? Just a thought.

  • Heatherediane

    I have just read the comments below, how in the world did this article become a debate between the religious and non-religious? Seriously, this article is about common decent respect. I am a Mother, a sister and daughter.

  • Just Wondering

    Is the picture of the girl in the green dress on the sidebar the same girl who wrote the article?  Because if it is, I’m pretty sure she’s got cleavage showing . . .

    • RevKev

      Where? You’re looking awfully close to see cleavage. Are you trying to nitpick about her nice and very appropriate outfit to justify something? Great article filled with good advice that young women (and young men) need to hear, believe, and implement!

  • Jen

    If you want Turth on modesty, true beauty go to Cause all this stuff is full of bs

  • Jen

    Go to to find out more about the lies of this industry and what modesty, and true beauty looks like.

  • Anonymous

    I think most of this list is pretty awesome, but would add a qualifier to number 8. While your reputation matters, most teenagers are dealing with being judged on things that don’t ultimately matter, like looks, popularity, and materialistic haves. I don’t think it is necessary to care what anyone thinks about you in those regards. Your reputation? That’s a deeper concern and stretches beyond merely “what people think about you”.

    Otherwise, good stuff.

  • Anonymous

    Wish this could be posted on all classrooms in all schools in this country.  Unfortunately, it would probably offend someone and God forbid anyone have a different opinion (if you don’t believe me just read the comments to this post)

  • Trixiepixe101

    I am a teenage girl and find this article uplifting and inspiring. Thank you so much Kate Conner!!!!

  • Gloria Allhiser

    I have never loved something I’ve read on the internet so much. 

  • Guest

    @1: how about, instead of shaming girls for wearing low-cut tops, we teach our boys not to act like predators?

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Boys (Young Men) T.J. Mousetis

  • Greenpgg

    Valuable info that every teenager girl needs.

  • Leah

    Very well said! Keep it up — you ARE making a difference!

  • Pingback: Dear Boys… | Kate Conner

  • Allie0

    This is magnificent.

  • Johanwrest

    I love boobies.

  • Guest

    The result of #1 is true, but I don’t share the reasoning.  All heterosexual men and boys are going to look at an attractive women wearing a low cut top.  But it’s the way react to it that differs.  Some of us are going to see it and think “what an attractive girl.”  Others are going to take it as a message that the girl is “available”.  If you have enough strength and confidence in yourself to effectively deal with the type of attention you will get (not your fault, but a realistic expectation), then by all means, wear what you choose.  But few teenagers, male or female, have enough internal strength to effectively deal with that type of attention.  Good list.

  • Julian Wong

    This applies to faggots as well. 

  • Jane

    I feel like these are things parents tell their teenagers all the time and the reason that teenagers don’t listen is because it’s coming from a really cynical point of view just like this…. I’m no longer a teenager but I also recognize that I do not have all the answers. Also some of this is really untrue. Girls can “show off their boobs” and still meet nice guys. Guys can stare at boobs and still be good people who respect women. Women should dress in a way that makes them feel good about themselves and sometimes attention is fun and not a negative thing. There are worse things people can do for attention. Boobs are harmless. I “follow my heart” and honestly if you’re practical its important to pursue what makes you happy. Studies show that people who pursue things their passionate about actually end up better off in their careers than people who chose a job for any other reason. And they are happy. Which is the important thing I think. Emotion can not be subject to reason. It is in it’s essence irrational. Greek philosophers felt we should accept that and embrace it as part of our humanity without kidding ourselves and pretending their is anything rational about emotion… Plus not all teenage girls are emotional beings and most guys are just as emotional and don’t try to degrade people for having feelings. In my experience anyway. You should care what fair minded people think of you. Sorry you have seemingly had a sloo of incidents that have made you bitter and sorry teenagers piss you off but I feel like these are not necessarily things anyone should say to our young people…. 

  • vbeene

    The comment feed is not about this post, but an argument about the value or non-value of Christianity.  What a weird cyber fueled world we live in.

  • Pingback: Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls and Boys by Kate Conner « lifeisministry

  • Ontopoftheworld1

    This is AWESOME and in my opinion, not just for teen ladies.  This is a healthy reminder to all the adult single ladies in search of quality.   Thank you for sharing this!   

  • Laurenquackenbush

    How many of your friends have died from skin cancer? That’s a bit extreme.

  • Peggy

    Kate, thank you for sharing this with us.  I am sharing the info with my Girl Scout troop tonight, along with the commentary from Ashley Judd’s website.  Young girls and women need positive role models and they need to be women who believe in themselves.  In my opinion, you cannot love another until you love yourself and we are failing as a society to teach our girls they are fine (referring to physical appearance) the way they are.

  • Pingback: Kate Conner - 10 things I want to tell teenage... - Christian Forums

  • JakeL

    As a teenage boy, I think # 3, #4, and #8 can apply to guys as well.

  • Sue Beth Gus

    Thank you!!!! Well said. Keep repeating!

  • Kamry Stallman

    Such great advice, Thanks Kate Conner.

  • J Huopalainen

    Wow, what an easy to follow 10 step list. If only society and the media weren’t ramming the exact opposite message down our throats daily.

  • Deejay

    Umm… I don’t understand how you can tell teenage girls not to follow their heart. Telling someone not to follow your heart is pretty much telling someone not to follow their dreams. Having dreams keeps us sane. It gives us hope. Don’t tell people not to have hopes and dreams. 
    Also, when you say people should care what other people think of them ( when they really shouldn’t) you go on to say they shouldn’t conform to society… Well, what people think is beautiful enough is skinny, pretty and looking like a model, yet you tell them to be who are they are and not care? This whole thing is contradiction.

    • Huss Family

      ..umm, don’t think so.  There’s a lot of difference between letting yourself be driven by fears of “not being like everyone else” and buying into Madison Avenue’s shallow, “appearance is everything” dictum that if you don’t LOOK fancy enough you are not worthwhile , and having a healthy self respect and guarding your reputation and honor enough not to allow others (guys) to treat you with less respect than you deserve.  It’s caring about the intrinsic worth of the person you ARE and not so much what you LOOK like.  Substance over style, which is the opposite of what the world is telling us. And as far as following your heart?  Mine has led me into nothing but trouble.  Much better off using your head.  Dreams and goals are fine, as long as you keep both feet planted firmly on the ground and stay realistic.  I think we only need look around us to see just how much ungrounded “hope” and dreams  are working out.  As far as “showing off boobs”, a young man I heard once put it very well when he said, if you use meat to catch a guy, you’ll get a dog every time.  Do you want a guy to see you as a pair of boobs?  Or as a person. 

  • Nadine Thompson

    I love this and it is a gift and a blessing!!!!! I will share it with my 18 yr old teenager.

  • Guest