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You Have Everything You Need

I am speaking at a parent’s retreat weekend this month, and I wanted to share this little excerpt of one of my sessions, because I think some of you might need to hear it.

I remember my first Superbowl party after Madeline was born; she was one month old and we had some friends over to watch the game.

I remember one particular moment.  I looked around the room, saw only myself, my husband, and our friends (all of whom were also in their early twenties), and I panicked.   I thought, “Where are all the grown ups?  They’ve left us with a baby!”

Next I realized that, even if there were “grown ups,” they would still defer to me, because I was mom.

In that moment I felt flush with fear and deeply okay at the exact same time.

I was afraid because I didn’t know what was going to happen.  Was she going to cry?  Was she going to get hurt?  Was she going to sleep?  Or refuse sleep? Was she going to gag on her own spit or choke on her own tongue?  Were we going to have to go to the hospital and pretend like we were parents who knew what the heck we were doing?  I was afraid because I didn’t know what was coming, and I knew that whatever it was – I was going to have to walk through it.  It was on me.  It was like standing in front of a closed door, knowing that when you turn the handle, whatever is back there, it’s yours to deal with.  That’s scary.

The unknown is some scary business.

But I also felt okay.  I felt okay because I knew that there was nothing I would need that I didn’t already possess.

If she needed to eat, I had milk.  If she needed to sleep, I had mom-arms.  If she needed comfort, I had my own breath and skin and heartbeat, which were home to her.  If I needed help, I had my husband and my friends.  If I needed answers, I had Google.  If I needed a miracle, I had prayer.

I had fear because I didn’t know what was coming.
But I also had courage – because no matter what the unknown turned out to be, I had everything I needed inside of me already.

I have since learned that this is all of parenting.  It is, in fact, all of life.

I want to be very clear that this isn’t a message of self-sufficiency.  This is a message of God-sufficiency.  It’s the same reason I can say, “I’m enough!  You’re enough,” even though we’re not enough at all.  We are enough for God to love and save and redeem and use, though.  Our not-enough is enough.  His acceptance makes us enough.  His work on our behalf is enough.

Similarly, we have everything we need because we have Him.

And if you don’t yet believe – if you don’t yet have a relationship with Jesus – you have everything you need in order to begin one.  He requires nothing, only everything.  Just you.  You as you are, no more, no less.

You are not enough, but that’s enough.
You have nothing, but you have everything you need.

God’s love is big enough to fill the difference.
He created everything out of nothing.  In the same way, He makes your nothing everything you need.

Christians are like seeds.  We have everything we need for our perfect sanctification inside of us already, it just hasn’t matured yet.  But it’s in there.  It’s in there because Christ is in there.  It’s in you.

(source: There is an oak tree in there!  A GIANT, STRONG, TOWERING OAK. That seed contains every single thing it needs. The oak is inside of that seed!  It just needs time and the proper circumstance – like you )

So it is with parenting as it is with all of life.

We are scared all the time because we don’t know what’s going to happen, ever.  But we can also have this blessed assurance:  No matter what happens, I have everything I need inside of me already.

This is the human experience.  We have fear and courage, nothing and everything.
It is enough, and it is good.

 

On Ripening

When I leave a peach on my counter for too long, it gets all soft and smushy.  It leaks a little.
When I leave a clementine on my counter for too long, it shrivels up until it’s as hard and dimpled as a golf ball.

When fruits age, they either get really hard or really soft.

I think the same is true of people.

When I was in high school, I learned that one of my best friends’ parents were getting a divorce.   When I heard the news,I hit my bedroom floor with my knees and I started praying for him.   I prayed for a lot of stuff that I can’t remember, but there is one bit that I do.  I prayed, “Please let him draw closer to You, not further away.  Please use this hurt to help him depend on You, and to find You faithful – instead of causing bitterness.”

I begged “Close, not far.  Love, not hate.  Soft, not hard.”

Because people who suffer become either very soft or very hard, and I didn’t want my friend to become hard.

The thing is, we all suffer.  So we all become (at varying paces) very soft or very hard.

The longer we live, the more hurt we experience.  That’s just the truth of it.   The longer we live the more joy we experience, too.  We’re all in this together!  New mercies each morning!  There is glorious hope!   As Glennon Melton says, “Life is forever tries.”  But we don’t get to cut out hurt, I’m sorry to say.

So as we age in this beautiful, glorious, hope-filled, unjust, hellish world, we ripen, like fruit.

I want to age into softness, not hardness.  I want to be the peach.  I want to be the kind of person that makes other people feel safe and important in my presence.  Not for my glory – Lord, no.  But because people ARE important, and I want to be the kind of person that reflects that back to them.  I want to listen to people so softly, with such tender sincerity, that they feel heard.  I want to allow myself to be moved and taught by  people.  I don’t want to play the devil’s advocate.  I want to play Jesus.   I want all the things my eyes have seen to make me accept more, not less.

This kind of soft doesn’t mean mousy or wimpy.  It just means gentle, able to be affected – okay with leaking a little bit from around the eyes.

Listen, I am so far from this kind of soft.  I haven’t ripened enough yet.  But I am praying for myself the same thing that I prayed for my friend all those years ago:

“Close, not far.  Love, not hate.  Soft, not hard.”

Stop Taking Advice Meant For The Other Side

I am trying to stop taking advice meant for the other side.

That’s the best way I know how to articulate this human phenomenon I’ve observed:  we are all taking advice meant for the other side.

What I mean is, people who are natural fighters read an article about perseverance and “good things come to those who hustle” and they think, “Yes, I should fight more.”

People who are natural fleers (or at least natural pause-ers and analyzers) read about planning, or about learning to say “no,” and they think, “Yes, I should consider this longer.

Fighters take advice intended to balance natural fleers; fleers take advice intended to balance natural fighters.

We do it in everything.

Consider relationships.

Married people are taking dating advice and dating people are taking married advice.

This means that married people are punking out on their marriages because they want their spouse to be a “perfect match” and they’re obsessed with their own happiness and fulfillment.

And dating people are ignoring red flags right and left and staying in relationships long past their expiration dates in the name of commitment and “nobody’s perfect.”

Consider our speech:

The speaker-uppers hear John Mayer’s “Say” (or Katy Perry’s “Roar,” depending on your taste) and think, “Yes!  I should speak my mind MORE.  I should tell MORE truth, louder!”

The suppressors (like me), read a passage about taming the tongue and we just keep bottling things up in the name of being wise or measured.

Collectively, we need to STRIKE THAT; REVERSE IT.

People have a natural bent.   Each person’s natural bent is a little bit different, but collectively we all bend towards self-preservation.  We use our different coping mechanisms, our different drugs of choice, all towards the same end: comfort.

The speaker-uppers feel heard and important when they speak.
The suppressors feel safe when they suppress.

The happiness-seekers feel hope and the assurance of joy when they pursue pleasure.
The blind-committers feel safe and secure at the avoidance of conflict.

To the louds, loud comes naturally and they bend towards it.
To the quiets, quiet comes naturally and they bend towards it.

None of that’s bad – it just is.  The problem is that we are inclined to listen to the advice that supports our bent.  We fall down our own rabbit holes.  We operate like, if speaking up is good, then speaking up more is better!  If quiet is good, then quieter is better!  But that logic doesn’t hold water.  That’s like saying, if one burger is good, 3 burgers are better.  But three burgers will make you barf.   And so will a person who speaks everything they see/think/feel at maximum decibels.  And so will the anxiety of keeping everything inside.

I could talk all day long about keeping your mouth shut, and thinking before you act, and minding your own business, and taking the time you need to process things.   That’s my natural bent.  That’s all good advice, but it’s not for me.  I need someone to tell me to SPEAK UP.  Open your mouth, Kate, and call problems problems.  I need someone to kick my energy-preserving INFJ self in the tail and get me to play dates so that my kids can have friends.  The advice we live and the advice we give is not the same as the advice we need.


This is one of the gazillion ways that I am working on me.  I am trying to stop hoarding advice that supports my natural bent.  I am taking deep breaths and choosing to hear the voices that tell me to SPEAK UP, GET UP, PULL THE TRIGGER – not as criticism, and not as foolhardy, but as a precious challenge to my natural bent that will push me towards balance.  Towards greater maturity and health.

Towards courage.

__________________

The advice you live and the advice you give are not the same as the advice you need.   In what direction do you naturally bend?  

 

Pete the Cat is My Theology

My mom often says, “Song lyrics are my theology.”

What she means, obviously, is that when theology is expressed poetically and set to music, something magical happens.  As you roll that lyric over and over in your mind and on your tongue, your inner truth cat sits up and you get all swirly and emotional because it is at once SO TRUE and SO BEAUTIFUL.   That lyric sums up decades’ worth of thoughts and experiences.  It communicates your deepest truth so succinctly that you can only describe it as perfect.  You think, “THIS.  This is what I believe.”

I think that children’s literature is my theology.

I cried reading a Pete the Cat book last week.

 

I don’t mean that I “was touched” or I “welled up.”  I mean that I had to stop reading, and shed actual tears, and my children became very concerned about me.

I’ve also cried reading the following:

-  Little Blue Truck
-  Just Plain Fancy
-  The Empty Pot
-  Horton Hears a Who
-  The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (OH MY GOSH, C.S. LEWIS, JUST KILL ME DEAD.)
-  And every blame time I read The Jesus Storybook Bible

I can’t even handle children’s literature.  My inner truth cat goes into a catnip-paper-bag-frenzied-joy-romp.  I cry at least 50% of the time.

I like children’s literature because it’s simple.

You don’t have to impress children; they are filled with natural wonder.
You don’t have to persuade children; they are filled with innocent trust.

Children’s literature doesn’t contain logical fallacies or one million prepositional phrases or an excess of adjectives.  Children’s literature just drops truth bombs in perfect, poetic ways and lets the truth stand on its own two feet.

Albert Einstein said, “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.”

I believe that.  I believe that little hearts and young minds can understand deep truths.  Understand all of it?  Of course not.  Do any of us?   But I believe that the biggest, most important truths aren’t that hard to understand; they’re just hard to live.

I am going to work on this kind of truth-telling.  Precise and simple.  Like poetry, like songs, like children’s literature.

Like Pete the Cat on materialism and contentment and living with open hands:

“I guess it only goes to show, that stuff will come and stuff will go.  Do we worry?  Goodness no.”

Yes, children of mine.  Stuff will come and stuff will go.  Do we worry?  Goodness no.
Yes, HEART OF MINE.  Stuff will come and stuff will go.  Do we worry?  Goodness no.

___________________________

Do you have a favorite piece of children’s literature?  Please share it!  We’ll make a library trip this weekend to pick up some new theology. 

Every Single Second

Parents have love-catch-phrases.  They are the things we say when we tuck our kids in at night.  You know -

“I love you to the moon and back.”  Or, “I love you with my whole heart.”

Mine is,

“I love you every single second.”

That’s the one I tell them when the love is bubbling in my guts and I have to clench my teeth and my fists to keep from squeezing them too tightly, like Lennie Small.

This is what I told Henry this afternoon when he woke up all groggy and snuggly.  I smushed my face against his precious, smushy face and I whispered, “I love you every single second.  There has never been a second of your entire life that you have not been loved.  Every second that I’ve known about you, I’ve loved you.”

Then I felt a kind of aching swell up inside of me.  I thought, “There are children to whom no one has ever said these things.  There are children that have been neglected, forgotten, resented, and abused.”

For a moment I despaired, hard.  I wished that I had infinite time and infinite resources and that I could love all the babies.  I wished that I could hold them all, skin-to-skin, and sing to them and read to them and kiss them and fix all their hurts, physical and otherwise, and tell them that I LOVED them, and that they were important and special to me.   I thought, “There are children that have not been loved every single second.”

But something in my chest caught, snagged.  I couldn’t finish that thought, because I knew it wasn’t true.

There has never been a child that wasn’t loved every single second.

I almost didn’t write this post because I was afraid that it would sound like I was glossing over the NECESSITY of earthly, human love.  I assure you I am not.   I want to love all the babies because it matters, I know this in my bones, and much of my giving is directed toward that end – children getting loved well.

But because of what I believe to be true about God, I cannot say that there has ever been a human being that God didn’t love every single second.  That He didn’t yearn for.  There has never been a person that was excluded when He said that He longs to be gracious to you.  There has never been a person that God did not die to save.

This shapes the way I understand the world and they way I interact with all people, but I don’t want to direct this thought OUT today, I want to direct in.

You have been loved every single second.

There has never been a second in which you were not loved.
There has never been a circumstance in which you were not loved.
There has never been a thing you did, or a place you went, or a thing you believed that made you unloved, even for a second.

There is no season of hate or anger or disbelief that made God stop wanting you.  You cannot be mean enough to make Him give up on you.  You are not trapped; He will let you go, but He will watch you walk away with great pain, loving you every single second.

In your darkest days, in your deep, endless depression, in your worst, most offensive thoughts, you are loved.

Maybe you are an addict and you’ve known it for a while, and your nights keep getting darker and your mornings more uncertain.  Or maybe you are doing a thing that you swore you would NEVER DO.  Maybe you haven’t changed your mind about it, you still hate it, but you’re doing it anyway, which makes you hate yourself.

You are loved in the middle of that mess.   EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

If you are absolutely OVER IT, and life has become, as dear Anne Lamott says, “just too life-y,”  you might be unhappy, unhealthy, unhopeful, and scared to death – but you are not unloved.  You can be un-everything else, but you are not un-loved.

You have been loved every day, every hour, every minute, every second.  You have been loved every heartbeat of your entire life.

When you were abandoned here, you were not abandoned there.  I cannot unpack the problem of evil here, or even fully in my own mind, but I can tell you this:  you were not delivered from all pain, but you were loved through all of the pain.  Every ounce.  You were loved every second.

God compares his love to parent-love.  He compares his arms to the wings of a mother bird, drawing her babies in close to her bosom, warm and safe.  He says he could no sooner forget you than a mother could forget the baby at her breast.  He says “I have loved you with AN EVERLASTING LOVE.”  He says that he wants to give you good things, like Dads want to give their little boys and little girls good things, only better, because God is better than human dads times a billion.

He loves us with parent-love, only purer.  More long-suffering.  This means that, unlike me, He doesn’t ever want to give one of his loved ones away free to a good home when they are being really pig-headed and annoying.  He never loses it.  He never grows tired or weary.

The love that I have for my children is fierce, rabid, overwhelming, and immobilizing.  I love them in a way that doesn’t even make sense.  But even that love is tempered by my own selfishness and humanity – by my need for sleep and food to be a pleasant human being.  My great big love for my kids is tempered by my impatience and my lack of empathy.

But God’s parent-love is not constrained by those things.  His love is constrained by nothing.  His love is unhindered and unstoppable and unfathomable.

The great joy of my life is being this boy’s safe place, the arms that comfort.  I love him, and I could never be close enough for long enough to breathe him in the way I want to.  I love him every single second.  This child of mine is loved EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

And so are you.

And so are you.

Look Up (Why I Hated Women’s Ministry)

I was in high school when I started hating women’s ministry.   Not hating – I should say “getting annoyed by.”

I never cared for girls nights, and teas sounded downright dreadful, like being made to sit at the grown-up table after you were finished eating to “listen to us talk.”

In college I started ministering to women, but I still didn’t like women’s ministry.  When I confessed that I didn’t like it, as I sometimes did, I was met with confused or offended looks.  Wait, you’re an RA for 70 girls at Liberty University and you don’t like women’s ministry?  Well, yeah.  I like hanging out and praying/teaching/learning.  I like organizing events, and writing curriculum, and discipling girls who really end up discipling me because that’s how it works – but I don’t like…teas.  Or doilies.  Or the book of Ruth, if we’re being honest.

I didn’t have words to express the rub.  Any time I attended a women’s event, it wasn’t BAD, it just wasn’t…something.  Ten years later, I found some words.

This isn’t a commentary on all women’s ministries, or even the ones I was a part of growing up.   It’s very likely that the problem was me.  But I know that I know that I know I’m not alone here.   So if you like Jesus but don’t like church, or you like ministering to women, but you don’t like women’s ministry, maybe I can help put some words to the rub, maybe wipe the fog off of the glass so we can see what’s really bugging us.

Here are the things that bored and irritated me about women’s ministry:

    • The book of Ruth (she was loyal and diligent and she got her prince!)
    • Proverbs 31 (She got up early!  Taking care of a family and a home is hard and noble!  And look, she handled finances and worked outside of the home, too!  Equality!)
    • Deborah (See?  God uses women, too!)
    • Teas (Jesus loves you!  Pink!  Doilies!  Warm fuzzies!)
    • Self-esteem seminars (You are beautiful just the way you are!  God loves you and that is all that matters!)

Here are the things I love about women’s ministry:

    • The book of Ruth (An allegory of Jesus Christ, who redeems us and comes for us who are abandoned and hopeless.)
    • Proverbs 31 (“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”)
    • Deborah  (God calls us to radical courage, radical trust, radical purpose and obedience.  The battle, victory, and glory are His.)
    • Teas (And by teas I mean barbeques.  This is a personal preference influenced by my distaste for cucumber sandwiches.  If you want to pamper me, do it with burgers.  Or smoothies.  I could get on board with a smoothie-tea.)
    • Missions seminars  (There is a great love burning inside of us.  There is a great task at hand.  Let’s get to work.)

When I take a step back and look, the problem is clear:

I don’t like women’s ministries that are about Christian womanhood.
I like women’s ministries that are about The Gospel.

And not The Gospel*

*for women.

Just The Gospel.

I was tired of looking at myself through a Jesus lens.  I just wanted to look at Jesus.

My freshman year of college (in a discussion with my Dad re: my new Bible Study book) I said, “I don’t mind Esther, but… can we read ROMANS?”  I felt the tension way back then, I just couldn’t articulate it.  I didn’t have those words then, but I have them now.

I am tired of hearing about Christian womanhood.  I want to hear about God.

There are of course issues that are women’s issues.  Womanhood is a sisterhood, and I don’t need my femininity to be ignored; I need it to be seen and addressed and esteemed.  But women’s issues are so, so secondary to gospel issues, because womanhood is so, so secondary to PERSONHOOD.  To child-of-God-hood.

To harp on my “women’s issues” at the cost of ever having time to harp on the glory of God and the gospel of Jesus is to miss the whole darn thing.

So, if you think you don’t like women’s ministry, or church or whatever, maybe you’re just tired of looking at yourself.

If you’re OVER hearing how to be a better person and you wonder what’s wrong with you because hearing that “you are a child of God” doesn’t really move or impress you very much – you’re not alone.  I was there too.   I suspect that we are all just starving for The Main Thing.

If that’s you, be encouraged.  You’re not missing it, you’re getting it.   Just look up.   Find a community that looks, and talks, and points UP.

I love this, from Norman Douty (as quoted in The Complete Green Letters by Miles J. Stanford – a book that changed my life, given to me by a women’s ministry leader that helped me look up)

“If I am to be like Him, then God in his grace must do it, and the sooner I come to recognize it the sooner I will be delivered from another form of bondage. Throw down every endeavor and say, I cannot do it, the more I try the farther I get from his likeness. What shall I do? Ah, the Holy Spirit says, you cannot do it; just withdraw; come out of it. You have been in the arena, you have been endeavoring, you are a failure, come out and sit down, and as you sit there behold Him, look at Him. Don’t try to be like Him, just look at Him. Just be occupied with Him. Forget about trying to be like Him. Instead of letting that fill our mind and heart, let Him fill it. Just behold Him, look upon Him through the Word. Come to the Word for one purpose and that is to meet the Lord. Not to get your mind crammed full of things about the sacred Word, but come to it to meet the Lord. Make it to be a medium, not to Biblical scholarship, but of fellowship with Christ.”

I still struggle.  It’s so easy to forget.  This is a reminder to myself and to my own bored, distracted, divided heart.  Look up.  Stop looking at yourself and your life and your habits through Jesus-lens – and just look at glorious, radical King Jesus.

Hope (On Grown-Up Optimism)

I am the kind of person that is often frustrated that there is no jazz-hands emoji.   That is to say I’m an optimist.

The glass isn’t half-full.  It’s all the way full if you think about it, because no one ever fills it to the rim anyway, that would be silly.  And if it’s 3/4 of the way full we should just round up!  Cheers!

Between my natural disposition and my training in PR, I am THE QUEEN of silver linings.  This is not an entirely positive trait.

I had to learn how to sit with hurt – to just let things suck when they sucked.  I learned that when I was sad or mad or hurting, I didn’t need a positive spin, I needed to let it be.  This taught me that when other people are sad or mad or hurting, they don’t need silver linings.   They need someone to sit down beside them and say, “Yeah, this sucks.  It’s the worst.  I’ll sit here with you, if you want.   And if you want to be alone, I’ll just fold the laundry on my way out the door.”  I am growing in this.

I am still an optimist, but I am no longer a rainbows-and-unicorns optimist; I ‘ve seen enough of life to know that things are not always good.

When I was in high school my optimism looked like **jazz hands**.   Today, it looks like hope.

I believe unswervingly that there is always hope.
I believe that everything is redeemable.  Everything.

The thing is, redemption almost never looks the way I think it will.

Isn’t that always the way?   They looked for a king and got a baby.  They looked for a conqueror and got a servant.  They looked for a throne and got a cross.  Redemption never looks like you think it will.  It’s hard to see coming.

My life looks nothing like I imagined, in a lot of good ways, but also in some hard ways.  I have no idea how things are going to turn out.  I’ve given up guessing, because I’m not yet thirty and I have three kids and three books and I’ve moved 8 times so just WHATEVER.  But I am not discouraged by the fact that I have no idea what’s going on, or by the fact that a whole lot of things look pretty darn UNREDEEMED.   I am steadfast in hope because of this glorious mystery:

Christ in me, the hope of glory.

I have Christ in me.  I can’t not live a redemption story.  I could no sooner stop hoping than stop breathing.   I can’t stop thinking that everything is going to turn out great, because I actually believe it.  

I actually believe in crazy-grace and Jesus the death-conqueror.  I actually believe that I could not extinguish the love, the providence, or the delivering, sustaining arms of God if I tried.   I am His, and He won’t stop redeeming my life.  (Oh my word, is this what it is to trust?)

Christ in me, the hope of glory.  That phrase is tattooed on the front lobe of my brain these days, on the inside of my eyelids.  That is where my hope lies.  That’s the source of the spring of my relentless, grown-up optimism.

 

So maybe you are in the middle of surviving, and are running a little short on hope and optimism.
Maybe you thought redemption would look like healing, but you’re finding it looks more like purpose.
Maybe you thought it would look like saving that relationship, but you’re finding it looks more like beauty from ashes.
Maybe you thought it would look like a good job, just in the nick of time, but you’re finding it looks more like a tribe of people to carry you through.
Maybe you thought redemption would look like a baby, but you’re finding it looks more like the birth of compassion, a calling.

I don’t know what it’s going to look like like, but I know that it’s gonna be good.  I know that some days will suck like leeches, but it’s going to be okay.  I have Christ in me, his breath in my lungs, and he makes everything glorious.

Hope has become an accidental theme of my life.  I chose Hope as the middle name for my daughter, not knowing the prophecy on my own tongue.  She is Madeline the hope-giver, and she is glorious. 

I am a grown-up optimist.  I cannot have it any other way.

“As for me, I will always have hope, for He who promised is faithful.”  (Psalm 71: 4 and Hebrews 10:23)
Kate

#SurvivorSeries

 

The Survivor Series giveaway is still live!  Share a #survivorseries post for a chance to win $150+ in coffee, music, books, and other survival essentials.  Click here for details.

You guys, I wrote some books!  They’re really good and if you buy them and read them I will bake you cookies.*  You can get it on Amazon, from Barnes & Noble, and in bookstores August 1.  

 

*and eat them myself because you live too far away.

Surviving Jealousy

I am friends with the most amazing people.  I don’t mean they are amazing.  I mean they are THE MOST amazing.  I don’t know how that happened, probably because it takes a certain caliber of person to put up with me.

In keeping company with these amazing souls, I have learned a thing or two about jealousy.

For example,

I know that when a naturally thin and unfairly beautiful friend plans a visit, I can drop 15 pounds in two months.   I’ve done that.

I know that when a childless friend plans a surprise visit, I can clean, reorganize, and RE-PINTEREST my home in 48 hours.  I’ve done that.

I know how it feels to want to quit everything.  I have wanted to quit writing.  Quit blogging.  Quit shopping, quit cooking, quit eating, quit cleaning, quit marriage, quit parenting, and go live in a hut on the beach.  Because if you’re going to feel like an embarrassment in EVERY SINGLE WAY A PERSON CAN FEEL LIKE AN EMBARRASSMENT, you might as well feel small in front of an ocean instead of in front of other people.

I know about that.

And I know about feeling guilty for resenting GOOD, AMAZING, WONDERFUL people just because your heart can’t handle their wonderfulness.  I know how it feels to resent yourself for being so resentful.

Jealousy and insecurity go hand-in-hand.  It’s very chicken-or-the-egg.  Am I jealous because I’m insecure?  Or am I insecure because I’m so jealous?  The answer is, “Yes.”

They feed off of each other in a downward spiral, like a whirlpool, taking your confidence, joy, peace, friendships, and focus with them as they go.  Like an airplane stealing tree limbs on the way down.

Jealousy is not something you can just live with.  You can’t allow it to occupy a little room in your heart, like it’s paying rent, and try to get on with your life while it’s sitting there on the sofa bed you made up for it.  Jealously will burn the place down.  Jealousy starts a slow burn that will eventually leave your whole heart in dead, white ashes.

A few years ago I decided to quit jealousy.

And that’s what I did.  I quit, cold turkey.

And you know what?  It really wasn’t that hard.

Here are the four things I do when I battle with jealousy and survive:

1. Connect.

The absolute fastest way to kill jealousy in its tracks is to look another person in the eye.  It breaks the trance.  Sit across the table from somebody, and listen to them talk.  People don’t get to edit in real-time conversations, so when you talk to someone you normally interact with online, you’ll be amazed at how … NORMAL they sound.  If you are jealous of a real life friend, go to her house more than once.  You will notice that her baseboards aren’t always clean, and this will free you.  She might even have ants.  I will never forget the day that I walked into the house of a childless person and saw an ant.  AN ANT!  It was one of the most validating, freeing experiences of my entire life.  It was like that ant said to me, “I do not condemn you, human.  Be free.”   When you look somebody in the eyes, you remember that real life doesn’t come with Instagram filters.  You might even see traces of hurt, struggle, fear.  You might see some of the weight that they carry.  You might notice that even the slenderest of people have thigh-meat, and that thigh-meat might set you free.

2. Celebrate.

Take their success before their success takes you.  This is public relations 101; he who breaks the story, writes the story.  He who makes the announcement, owns the announcement.   When someone has a success, celebrate it like it’s yours.  The more you practice their joy, the more you’ll feel  their joy.  Become a good celebrator.  You’ll be surprised by how much you mean it.

3. Remember.

Remember that your life is yours to live.  Remember all the treasures with which YOU have been entrusted.  Remember that that THING, or that TRAIT, or that LIFE that you’re so jealous of is not yours to live.

Amena Brown (who is a treasure and my favorite) said it this way in her poem How to Fly.

“You never carry dreams given to you by someone else.
You figure out which things you gotta check and protect,
And which dreams you hold close you to.
You let go of everything that was sold to you as true.
Too much hurt affects your wingspan.

You see flyin’ ain’t about provin’ to someone who is struggling to be somebody
That you ‘gone be somebody too.  
Flying is about taking what you got, being who you are,
And doing what you do.

Know yourself, and dare to like yourself.  This is audacious gratitude and it will change everything.   Four years ago  I realized I was carrying dreams given to me by someone else.  I looked around, full of gratitude, and the most amazing thing happened: It dawned on me, like someone walking into a room and turning on the light, I like me.  I think I’m smart.  Maybe not book-smart, or street-smart, but some kind.  I think I’m funny, funny enough that I’m not bored by my own thoughts, so that’s good.  I think that I’m cute.  I’m no physical specimen to behold or anything, but I think I’m cute and I’m okay with cute.  Mostly, I’M ME.  I am this whole collection of thoughts and experiences and values and beliefs and quirks and proclivities, and I LIKE ME.  I put down all the dreams given to me by someone else, and I gave up trying to prove things to people who weren’t even watching.  Gratitude turns your eyes up to The Giver, and you can’t behold The Giver of All Good Things and still be looking around feeling jealous about stuff.

4. Love.

When you love someone, jealousy gets edged out.  The love presses it out, occupying the space it used to hold, filling all the gaps.  When you love someone, you see their hurt and your heart grieves with them.  When you love someone, you see their joy and your heart leaps with them.  When you love someone, you want their best, their happiness.  You actually DESIRE their growth and maturation – you are on the edge of your seat, breathless to see what their lives could hold.  And you want to be on the sidelines, cheering them on, holding them up, because, LOVE.    Love causes us to lose sight of insecurity, competition, lust, idolatry, and entitlement because it causes us to lose sight of ourselves.

Kick jealousy out.  Stop taking his rent.  Quit him.

Connect, celebrate, remember, love – and breathe the free air.

 

The Survivor Series giveaway is still live!  Share a #survivorseries post for a chance to win $150+ in coffee, music, books, and other survival essentials.  Click here for details.

You guys, I wrote some books!  They’re really good and if you buy them and read them I will bake you cookies.*  You can get it on Amazon, from Barnes & Noble, and in bookstores August 1.  

 

*and eat them myself because you live too far away.

 

Modesty is Not A Feminine Virtue

This week we’re talking about modesty over on my FB page, because it’s a topic I discuss in the first chapter of my books.

The books explore a very specific slice of modesty (the way we dress) for one reason:  that was the first point on my list of “Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls.”   In the book I talk about things like:

-Expressing yourself with fashion, and dressing intentionally.
-Rejecting the idea that the sexualized parts of women’s bodies should ever be the source of frustration or shame.
-The superpower that is femininity.
-Rejecting the notion that women are responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of men, and rejecting that “modesty” is somehow a tool to protect ourselves from degradation.
-The difference between attention and respect.

I suspect that this chapter might find itself a little bit controversial, but I stand by what’s in there, and I think it’s important.

That said –

It would be a serious oversight, not to mention offensive, to end the conversation there.  Because modesty is not a “feminine virtue.”   And for crying out loud, it’s not about clothing.  The catchphrases coined by the uber-conservatives hoping not to be viewed as misogynistic are way off, too.   “It’s not about hiding,” they say, “it’s about revealing dignity.”

Except, no.  It’s not.  We have to stop insisting that modesty is about “revealing dignity” and “having self-worth,” as if people who feel comfortable in clothing we wouldn’t personally wear simply don’t value themselves enough.   Real modesty isn’t about “revealing dignity” because it isn’t about revealing anything.

Here is what modesty is:

Modesty is humility applied.
It’s humility in a tank top, wisdom in jeans.
It’s a healthy dose of it’s-not-about-me as you go throughout your day.
Real modesty is meekness, which is a human virtue that begins on the inside, and, as we mature, is unstoppably, unavoidably reflected in every area of our lives.

Modesty is about killing that thing inside of us that wants to steal glory, revel in attention, and to see ourselves hoisted onto a pedestal.  The pedestal of “hottest” or “wealthiest” or “most hipster” or “most fit” or “most chic” or “most anything.”

Modesty is about stepping out of the way so that The Thing You’re Living For gets to stand in the spotlight.

Dressing provocatively is certainly one way of drawing attention to yourself, which is how the word “modesty” initially got attached to the idea of COVERING EVERYTHING UP.  But that’s not what it means.  That is one possible implication.

It is possible, and frankly a lot more common, for a PERSON (not just a woman) to have all their assests covered, and still be shouting “NOTICE ME!  NOTICE ME!” with their clothes and their lives.

Notice my bank account.
Notice my trophy spouse.
Notice my business success.
Notice how cute I am.
Notice how cultured I am.
Notice how MORAL, and RIGHTEOUS I am.

There’s nothing wrong with being noticed, but it works better when we notice each other instead of noticing ourselves.  There’s less competition, more connection.  There’s less looking in the mirror, and more looking up and out and forward.  There’s more appreciation of the beauty and gifts and skills around us – because when we aren’t preoccupied with our own hooting and hollering, we can finally, finally see it.

Real modesty happens when we side-step out of the spotlight, making space for the things that we’re passionate about to shine.  The stuff that’s bigger than us.  The stuff that matters more.

For me, that’s the gospel of Jesus.

Here is the question I’m asking myself this week:

What would it look like if I made one small, practical change to live more modestly?  To stop trying to draw attention to myself for whatever reason?

I’m a little tender about it, because it’s forcing me to examine all the places I try to be the center of the story.  It’s so ugly, glory-hogging.  But it’s tender because it matters.  Humility, modesty, selflessness – these are holy, sacred things.   They matter, and I’ve decided that pursuing them is worth the discomfort it costs.  I’ve got to look my own ugly in the face.

Will you join me in considering?

How might it look to live more modestly on social media?
How might it look to speak more modestly?
To spend money more modestly?  Not just necessarily less, just different.
How might it look to “church” more modestly?   Oh, snap.
And, yes, to dress more modestly.  Not frumpily, not puritanically, not to hide, or to shame, or to protect boys.  But to draw less undue, self-indulgent, and, often, not-the-healthiest attention to ourselves.

Comment and share with the hashtag #realmodesty.

 

Forcing My Own Hand

I am really great at doing the right thing when the right thing is my only available option.

Example:  

I am awesome at not buying brownie mix.  I can’t remember the last time I purchased the stuff.

I am less awesome at not eating brownies.  I CAN remember the last time I ate brownies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner – it was the last time I bought brownie mix.

In sum, I am THE BOMB at not eating brownies…as long as there are no brownies around.

The times that I’ve been the most disciplined and put together in my life were not thanks to me – they were thanks to a total lack of options.

I don’t think of myself as a very disciplined person.  Homework was never really my jam.  Neither was balancing my checkbook.  I could take it or leave it, and by that, I obviously mean that I left it.  Disciplined people are the kind of people who can see brownies and think, “I am only going to eat one of those.”  Disciplined people can mind-over-matter stuff.  They can, say, just GET UP when the alarm goes off.  They can stick to the plan.  ANY PLAN.

I am the pits at that breed of self-discipline.  What I am is a pretty decent self-scheduler.

I am learning to organize my life in such a way that makes the right things easier and the wrong things tougher.

(Actually, I believe it’s nearly impossible to make a wrong thing “tough.”  Our natural bent towards selfishness and pride, coupled with rationalization and THE INTERNET mean wrong things are only ever just a few side-steps away.  Perhaps a more accurate statement would be:  I am learning to organize my life in such a way that makes the right things more convenient, so I have less excuses not to do them.) 

I learned this about myself my junior year of college.

I had one weird, terrible hour between classes, with nothing to do and nowhere to go.  (This was before the time of the iPhone – I call it the Scholastic Period.  Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous, Scholastic.  During the Scholastic period, I did not have cat videos, Twitter, or Pinterest at my fingertips.  Dark days, indeed.)

One day, I thought, “Hey, all those things I wish I had mental space to pray about?  Maybe I’ll go do that for a minute.”

And I did.
And I did it the next day, and the next day, and the next day.

For ten years I’d been trying to bully myself into spending time in prayer and meditation.

I tried guilt (which sounds a lot like, “He died for me, I’ll live for Him!” or “He gave everything, I can at least give 15 minutes in the morning!”)

I tried mountain-top camp experiences.

I tried coffee.

I tried Bible study books.

Nothing ever stuck for long.  I understood the value, I wanted to be the kind of person to JUST GET UP.  Or JUST DIG IN.   But it wasn’t working for me, and not for lack of trying.

The same could be said for my (lack of) exercise routine.  It’s not that I didn’t see the value.  It’s not that I didn’t WANT IT.  It’s just that whatever thing is inside of self-starters and internally-motivated go-getters – I do not have that thing.

I tried running.

I tried videos at home.

I tried 5 am bootcamp with friends.

No dice.

But in 2005, that one wonky hour became sacred time in my day.  I read my Bible EVERY. DANG. DAY.  I prayed for my friends, for myself, for my future, for the world.   That hour changed my life.  The next semester I intentionally scheduled an empty hour into my day.  Turns out, I CAN have a consistent quiet time – as long as I have literally nothing better to do.

This year I GOT A CLUE from my sacred hour, and applied it to my exercise routine.  I sat down and brainstormed how I could possibly make it work with 2 young boys at home all day, and not a dime to spare on a gym membership or childcare.

I’ve Instagrammed about our morning walks, and lest anyone think for a second that I have my !@#$ together, allow me to illuminate:

Maybe the mom exercising at the park at 8:30 in the morning is not actually put together. Maybe she was forced by the inconsiderate thugs running the public school system to be out the door with three kids by 8:00 am.  Maybe she rolled out of bed and fed them granola bars in the car.  Maybe she can only leave the house once a day without having a nuclear meltdown, and THIS IS IT.  Maybe the only way she could ever reliably get her unmotivated butt outdoors with her kids is just to do it ON THE WAY HOME. At the park ACROSS THE STREET.  Load them up, walk a few miles, go home, commence day of surviving in the house.  In other words, maybe she’s me.

What I’ve learned about myself is that my best shot at not going completely off the rails is to intentionally structure my life so that the right things are easier and the wrong things are harder.

It’s like pushing a chair in front of the stairs to keep babies away from the edge: if they really have a mind to get down there, they will – but it might just slow ‘em down long enough for you to save the day.

I’m not great at self-discipline, but I’m learning to save my own days.  I’m getting better about self-scheduling; that’s where it starts for me.

I can’t tackle things when they’re big; I get panicky and I tap out.  But I can manage them when they’re small, when they’re on the way home and everyone is already wearing pants.

Maybe this has been the real secret to self-discipline all along.

Maybe not.  But either way, it’s working for me.  I don’t buy brownie mix.  I walk in the morning.  I read and pray in the carpool line.

Still trying to find a good slot in the day for laundry-folding.  If I find it I’ll let you know.  Not looking good.

How do you pursue self-discipline?  Do incentives and motivations work for you?  Or are you more of a self-scheduler?