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Search Terms VIII

Round eight, here we go!  This month, people arrived at my blog by searching for the following terms:

“long legs and strappy sandals”  (I have neither and want both.)

“chest woman in peach”  (Huh?)

“multiple boils under armpit” (Ouch.  Is that contagious? Get away from my blog.)

“pretty teenage girl with freckles”  (I’m going to take that as a compliment.  I could pass for 19, right?  RIGHT!?!?!?)

“mens suits rolled up sleeves eighties”  (See also: Miami Vice.)

“sea monsters on youtube”  (A Loch Ness enthusiast, perhaps?)

“steve martin tonight drag show  (Safe to say we have nothing in common.  Why would you want to see this?)

“had to pee so badly traffic”  (The worst kind of traffic.  Followed by “my iPod just died traffic” and  ”stand-still on a very tall bridge traffic.” )

“renkli balonlar”  (10 points to anyone who can figure out what language this is.)

“puncture wound blowfish” (You shouldn’t have to use Google to know whether or not this happened to you…)

“Facebook start” (You’re about 8 years too late)

“Conner Fetish”  (Is this a real thing?)

“What is the sound produced by swinging a cane?”  (I know this one: a combination of screaming, jumping, and a protective grabbing of the ankles, as articulated here.)

“Light skinned dreadlocks kid”  (Light skin, yes.  Dreadlocks?  Not on your life.  If you thought my exposed skin was light, you’d die to see my scalp.)

“nice butt in leggings”  (Why thank you very much.)

“fish poop”  (The crazy thing is that there are multiple posts that this person could have arrived at (here and here). Maybe I should reconsider some of my blog content.)

And my two favorites from this batch:

“clay matthews looks voluptuous”  (If by voluptuous you mean beefy…who is searching for this!?!?!)

“help my toddler is rubbing himself in school”  (Um, I have nothing for you.  And I hope to God I never gain any matter of expertise in this area.)

 Search Terms ISearch Terms IISerach Terms IIISearch Terms IVSearch Terms VSearch Terms VI, Search Terms VII.

Search Terms VII

This month, people arrived at my blog by searching for the following terms:

“offended bear” (Offended bears are the worst kind of bear.  Dwight Schrute would agree.) 

“priming girls” (Priming them for what?  Creep.)

“melted crayon jesus” (I posted about my melted crayon art here, but Oh. My. Gosh.  If you, mystery person, manage to make a melted crayon Jesus…I’ll pay you $10 for it.)

“psychotic break 2011″  (This search term is the least surprising to me.  Psychotic breaks are par for the course around here.)

“guitar sombrero”  (I want one for parties.  Can you picture it?  Busting through the door like the Kool-aid man? FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS!!!  *jazz hands*)

“snakes in a jar”  (A less interesting version of the film Snakes on a Plane.  You didn’t know that was possible, did you?)

“advice from a lunatic”  (If it were me, I’d be searching for “advice from a genius” instead.  Wait, how come nobody ever gets here by searching for a genius?)

“trench coat guy from beside”  (It seems like the end of this sentence would be important.  …Beside the window of Macys on 5th?  Classy.  …Beside the rack of high power assault rifles?  Get out of town fast. )

neosporin on crater  (It makes perfect sense how this person arrived at my blog (this post).  But what were they trying to find? I shudder to think.) 

pure+nudisten  (This is either a skin care cream or something super-dirty.  I can’t bring myself to google it because I’m afraid for my little virginal eyes.)

clip chihuahua head on purse (Dude, you better run. I’m calling PETA right now.)

“three laffy taffys”  (You know, you dont need the internet to find these.  They have them at the grocery store.)

“child uvula”  (The same as an adult uvula, only smaller.  I’m very familiar, as it is easily seen when a child screams in time-out for an extended period of time.)

“old+ladies+doing+zumba” (Old ladies know how to get down, man.  Also, I once went to a 5:00am boot camp where I was lapped on the track by a woman more than twice my age.  So don’t hate.)

“jeans family modeling”  (See also, awkward family photos.)

Awesome, just awesome.

Search Terms ISearch Terms IISerach Terms IIISearch Terms IV, Search Terms V, Search Terms VI.

Search Terms VI

This month, people arrived at my blog by searching for the following terms:

“fluff-n-snuggle pads” (I googled this one myself when I read it, just to see what came up.  It is a disappointing pet product. Shame, because the name has such potential.)

“giantess toddler” (This giantess thing is getting out of hand.  But here’s a bit of nostalgia while we’re at it.)

“gnome house”  (These are the bomb.)

“kate conner drone”  (I wish I had a Kate Conner drone.  Any rocket scientists here want to build me my own drone?  C’mon, there have to be some perks to living in Rocket City.)

“bulging pregnant”  (Really?  Bulging?  Whoever you are, I hate your freaking guts.)

“diaper+wedgie”  (I imagine this is something like an 8 on the pain scale.)

“fetch coffee” (An impressive command to teach your…)

“russian wolfhound”  (I’ve toyed with the idea of owning one, but if it could fetch me coffee – SOLD.)

“can’t keep my mouth shut at business meetings”  (Which is why I work at home.)

“what kills collards” (My husband.  Give him some pepper sauce and cornbread and those collards don’t stand a chance.)

“dripple castle”  (Let me remind you, people are searching for these terms.)

And my personal favorite from this batch:

“african tribal paint for kids”

The weirdness of people is inexhaustible.  Search Terms ISearch Terms IISerach Terms IIISearch Terms IV, Search Terms V

Search Terms V

This month, people arrived at my blog by searching for the following terms (You guys, these ones are good):

“stepped on blowfish” (This actually happened.)

“flesh eating giantess beginning with the letter A” (I’m assuming this is the same person who was searching for flesh eating giantesses last time.  If not, I should try to hook the two of them up – they have quite the shared interest.)

“kill all the things” (I often get visitors looking for “clean all the things” because of this awesome comic.  Kill all the things though, that’s a new one. Might I suggest anger management.)

“mom corndog” (A mother corndog, or a mom who is a corndog?  Be more specific, please.)

“kip+napoleon+dynamite+peace+out” (It’s been 7 years, let it go.)

“cross stitch borzoi”  (I once expressed my interest in borzois, and my concern that in another life I might become a borzoi loving jogger.  Well this person has my alter-ego beat.  They love borzois so much they CROSS STITCH THEM INTO THINGS. Imagine their living room – borzois on the pillows, borzois on the blankets, borzois on the walls, borzois sleeping on the couch. This is my favorite mental image from this batch.)

“celebrities+living+in+bermuda” (Stalker alert.)

“sweat+pants+for+dan” (We are accepting donations, since I’ve hijacked all of his.  They were cheaper than maternity pants.)

“pitcher-of-cher”  (A pitcher full of Cher.  A pitcher shaped like Cher.  Or MAYBE a picture of Cher for someone who has no prayer of competing in the National Spelling Bee, or graduating from the fifth grade for that matter.  C’mon America.)

“how many inches is knee length hair”  (Too many.)

“drying panties” (Yes, do this.  They are much more comfortable than wet panties.)

“pulley system for kids” (For all your child-hoisting needs.)

“mr. mint nails” (Better nails than hair.)

“sullen 2 year old” (Madeline is three now.  You obviously missed her birthday, but gracious as we are, we will still accept your gift for her via FedEx.)

“can children with optic nerve hypoplasia live normal lives?”  (I think my heart stopped beating for a minute when I read this one.  It took my breath away.  I imagined brand new parents sitting in front of the computer, sad and numb because they just found out that their little baby doesn’t see like they thought he would, and there’s nothing to be done.  Yes.  Yes they can.  They DO lead beautiful, valuable, amazing, odd-defying, full, healthy lives.  Right now is the hardest; it will get better.)

Search Terms ISearch Terms IISerach Terms III, Search Terms IV

Search Terms IV

This month, people arrived at my blog by searching for the following terms:

“baby+right+horn+uterus”  (Pregnancy is scary enough without throwing horns in the mix. My uterus just shuddered.)

“two year old egg”  (Ew.)

“threasures of the earth”  (That’s “treasures” with a wicked lisp.)

“A+grandpa+playing+table+tennis”  (I have one of those!)

“does cicadas come out when tornadoes?”  (In many places in Alabama, that’s considered a gramatically correct sentence.  But you have to say it with an accent.  “Does si-kay-duhs come out whin toewer-nayda’s?”  Kidding!!!)

“top heavy”  (Bite me.)

“women+thick+eyebrows”  (Bite me again.)

“Nutcracker popsicle sticks”  (What the…)

“cut each others pony tails off”  (That is a terrible idea.)

And the kicker.  You guys, I’m not making this up…

“flesh eating giantess beginning with the letter ‘O’”  (A giantess, that eats flesh, and whose name begins with an O.  This sounds like it’s straight of of The Odyssey.) 

Search Terms I, Search Terms II, Serach Terms III.

Search Terms III

I so look forward to these posts now.  If you haven’t seen them, or even if you have, you should read the first two Search Terms posts here and here.  Take a quick refresher; the ridiculousness builds on itself!

Here is the third installment of strange search terms that brought people to this blog:

“Saint-of-Diet-Coke” (That’s me.)

“Zoolander+blue steel” (“What is this, a school for ants?!”)

“blood-splatter” (This, friends, is why you shouldn’t post personal information on the internet.)

“decoration+robot” (Not sure how this person arrived here, but it’s so awesome that I think I’ll do a robot-decoration post in the near future.)

“kate elizabeth+gross” :(

“Jesus tornado” (I hope your mental picture of this is as funny as mine. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a JESUS TORNADO!)

“I eat all food.” (Me too.  Let’s be friends.)

“Cher before and after,” “Cher + the early years,” etc. (Baffling how many people are searching for Cher these days. If you’d like hits on your website, I recommend dropping her name in a few places.)

Tim Lincecum” (Ever since baseball season’s opening day, I get at least 10 hits a day from people looking for this dude.  I’m pretty sure they’re disappointed when they see my post about him.)

“in the movie sixth sense how many people are in the schools hallway” (Um, fair question? Another fair question: Why does this matter in life? And how did you arrive here trying to figure it out?)

 “disheveled child”  (Now that makes sense.) 

And my personal favorite from this batch:

Pyogenic granuloma on my a**“  (HA HA HA.  I do not envy you.)

Actually, it’s probably a toss-up between that and the Jesus Tornado.  Thanks, people of the internet, for being so weird.

Search Terms II

More search terms that brought people to this blog.  I’m not here to judge.

“kate + lunatic” (A little harsh.  I prefer “spirited.”)

“kate conner’s acupuncture” (My next business endeavor.)

“diapered + roommate” (Someone out there is SEEKING one of these?  I can see the classified ad now…)

“chihuahua bobble head mexico” (I actually wrote about this one.)

“waterworld sea monster” (See also: Kevin Costner.)

“flute+music+for+love+game+lady gaga” (Does Lady G have a flutist?  She should look into it.)

“braille for awesome” (dot 1; dots 2,4,5,6; dots 1,5; dots 2,3,4; dots 1,3,5; dots 1,3,4; dots 1,5 – I think.)

“cow hoof canteen” (Also from the chihuahua post. I wish I had a picture of those suckers.)

“lily pad swim team movie french” (I doubt English is their first language.)

“had to pee since” (KANSAS!  I feel your pain, man.)

“ultrasound+of+a+baby+horse” (He was pretty well-endowed.  KIDDING. SORRY.  I take it back.  My filter is down today.)

People and their internet surfing antics – so amusing.  (The first search terms installment is here.)

Woman seeking…

You want to hear something ridiculous?  The following search terms brought people to this blog:

“Cher+hot”

“Ted+Kaczynski”

“Woman in sweatpants + talking + coffee”  (They may as well have just googled “Kate Conner.”)

“Ancient+treasure”

“Flesh eating disease blog”

Pause.  Not exactly how I would classify my writing.  Is there such thing as a flesh eating disease blog?  And why is someone searching for it?  Okay, fine.  It’s probably the same reason I felt compelled to read the entire Wikipedia article on Ted Bundy a few weeks ago.  I suppose I can’t judge two quickly.  (For the record, it was because I felt uninformed about him and like I was missing some piece of information that normal, well-read people are privvy to.  I thought this because Dan is extremely well-read and knows something about EVERYTHING.  It was horrific.)  Moving on.

My personal favorite search term that landed people here:  ”saggy+armpit+with+hair”

If you have a CLUE how they arrived here after searching for THAT – keep it to yourself because it’s probably insulting.

I stand amazed.  The internet is such a strange, entertaining thing.