Room for Improvement
When Dan and I got married I was so eager to be a “cool wife” that I memorized every college football coach in the SEC. I became his party trick.
We’d be out to dinner with friends and he would say,
“Kate, who’s the coach of Auburn? Ole Miss? Vandy? Arkansas? Florida? South Carolina? Kentucky?”
I would perk up and shout out names enthusiastically, like a trained seal happily barking for fish out of a bucket.
The amazement of wives everywhere was my raw fish. (Add it to sentences I never thought I’d say.)
I told Dan that once – that I had become his party trick – and with such precious sensitivity he said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Do you not want to do it anymore?” To which I replied,
“Dan, the seal LIKES the fish.”
I assure you I never would have spent the mental energy learning those coaches if I hadn’t been interested. I enjoy sports – a lot – and Dan is no longer surprised (and unfortunately no longer impressed) by the information I absorb.
There is one sport, though, that I just can’t get into: I don’t like baseball.
Yeah, I said it.
And I don’t think it’s fair to call baseball “America’s pastime” anymore. America’s pastime is Angry Birds.
(As long as I’m making enemies I’ll also say that I don’t like hot weather, shrimp, or Jack Johnson – basically summer.)
Seriously, baseball is such a divisive issue. A lot of people aren’t wild about it, but the people who care, care. Baseball is like cats in that way. There are cat people, and then there are cat people. I know some baseball people that are already halfway through the impassioned email they’ll be sending me in 5 minutes. (Kaitlyn, Coffman, Jay, Paul, Kyle, Slade, Jeff, Connie, Danny, angry blogging stranger). *Spoiler Alert:* I’m going to delete them all!
I understand baseball.
I’ve been to MLB games.
I suppose I’m not as “cultured” as you are, and I’m okay with that. No amount of blather about nostalgia and the glory of the “grand ol’ game” is going to change my mind.
But to prove to you that I have sincerely tried my best, that I have expended both time and energy in a last-ditch attempt to find any pleasure whatsoever in baseball, I give you this humble list of suggestions – for people like me.
Nine Ways to Make Baseball More Interesting
1. Allow players to smack-talk back and forth on the Jumbo-Tron via texting. You know that after a good one the crowd would make that sound that all the kids in the cafeteria make when someone drops a tray: “oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
2. Each dugout can earn up to 2 extra runs for: tobacco/gum/seed spitting contests, and dance-offs.
3. Put tigers underneath trap doors in the outfield, gladiator-style. Don’t even tell me I’m dark. You’ve read The Hunger Games twice already.
4. Make all the food free. See? This sport is better already.
5. Make baseballs out of the same material as those super bouncy balls. This would probably save the Major League some money too, as they cost 50¢ out of the quarter machines at Wal-Mart.
6. Put defense in the outfield. Maybe with Nerf guns?
7. Allow players to tackle one another. Full contact baseball!
8. For the entire seventh inning, every player has to wear swim flippers, WipeOut-style. Because this is just funny.
9. Put a hurdle in front of each base. Imagine how fun the seventh inning would be!
Now THAT, I’d watch.