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Room for Improvement

When Dan and I got married I was so eager to be a “cool wife” that I memorized every college football coach in the SEC.  I became his party trick.

We’d be out to dinner with friends and he would say,

“Kate, who’s the coach of Auburn? Ole Miss? Vandy? Arkansas? Florida? South Carolina? Kentucky?”

I would perk up and shout out names enthusiastically, like a trained seal happily barking for fish out of a bucket.

The amazement of wives everywhere was my raw fish. (Add it to sentences I never thought I’d say.)

I told Dan that once – that I had become his party trick – and with such precious sensitivity he said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Do you not want to do it anymore?” To which I replied,

“Dan, the seal LIKES the fish.”

I assure you I never would have spent the mental energy learning those coaches if I hadn’t been interested.  I enjoy sports – a lot – and Dan is no longer surprised (and unfortunately no longer impressed) by the information I absorb.

There is one sport, though, that I just can’t get into:  I don’t like baseball.

Yeah, I said it.

And I don’t think it’s fair to call baseball “America’s pastime” anymore.  America’s pastime is Angry Birds.

(As long as I’m making enemies I’ll also say that I don’t like hot weather, shrimp, or Jack Johnson – basically summer.)

Seriously, baseball is such a divisive issue.  A lot of people aren’t wild about it, but the people who care, care.  Baseball is like cats in that way.  There are cat people, and then there are cat people.  I know some baseball people that are already halfway through the impassioned email they’ll be sending me in 5 minutes.  (Kaitlyn, Coffman, Jay, Paul, Kyle, Slade, Jeff, Connie, Danny, angry blogging stranger). *Spoiler Alert:* I’m going to delete them all!

I understand baseball.
I’ve been to MLB games.

I suppose I’m not as “cultured” as you are, and I’m okay with that.  No amount of blather about nostalgia and the glory of the “grand ol’ game” is going to change my mind.

But to prove to you that I have sincerely tried my best, that I have expended both time and energy in a last-ditch attempt to find any pleasure whatsoever in baseball, I give you this humble list of suggestions – for people like me.

Nine Ways to Make Baseball More Interesting

1.  Allow players to smack-talk back and forth on the Jumbo-Tron via texting.  You know that after a good one the crowd would make that sound that all the kids in the cafeteria make when someone drops a tray: “oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

2.  Each dugout can earn up to 2 extra runs for: tobacco/gum/seed spitting contests, and dance-offs.

3.  Put tigers underneath trap doors in the outfield, gladiator-style. Don’t even tell me I’m dark. You’ve read The Hunger Games twice already.

4.  Make all the food free.  See? This sport is better already.

5.  Make baseballs out of the same material as those super bouncy balls. This would probably save the Major League some money too, as they cost 50¢ out of the quarter machines at Wal-Mart.

6.  Put defense in the outfield. Maybe with Nerf guns?

7.  Allow players to tackle one another. Full contact baseball!

8.  For the entire seventh inning, every player has to wear swim flippers, WipeOut-style.  Because this is just funny.

9.  Put a hurdle in front of each base. Imagine how fun the seventh inning would be!

Now THAT, I’d watch.

  • http://slackersaver.com/ Sharla

    #2-anything that involves spitting is just gross.
    #8 and #9-definitely entertaining.
    My husband’s favorite sports are hockey and baseball, pretty much the ones I care about the least. Well, at least he’s not a soccer fan.

  • http://twitter.com/raceangel8138 Renee

    I like baseball…but the games can just be sooooo long.  I typically cannot sit through a whole game without doing something else too. 
    I love the idea of a dugout dance off; that would be awesome. LOL

  • Cananole

    *sigh*…and I had so hoped we could be friends …

    • http://kateelizabethconner.com/ Kate Conner

      Ha ha ha, I know! I fear I’m going to get a lot of these types of comments!  I tried my hardest, c’est la vie.  :)

      • Cryket

         On the upside, you have just made  a new friend!  Just found your blog and LOVE it! :)   And couldn’t agree with you more in regards to baseball.  Thanks for making me laugh out loud today!

  • Susan Peters

    Kate I love how your mind works!  Trap doors & tigers?  Yes, please!  But to be fair to the guys running in swim fins, those tigers have to wear collars with bells.  Fair is fair.  And no more games on Sundays or holidays – how many families fight because some stupid game is on?  

  • Stacey

     I started following your blog after I saw your teenage girls post(s) and I’m so glad I have! :) My boyfriend is a baseball fan (not boldface), but definitely a St Louis Cardinal fan (in all caps and boldface), so I try to make it through an occasional game for his sake. :) My favorite addition would definitely be the texts . . . hilarious.

    PS – I’ve also totally tried to pick up on people’s names I should know from the teams and sports my significant other loves, but I have not had the success you have! Please let me know a secret if there is one! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Isaac/1647005825 Jonathon Isaac

    Kate, you definitely aren’t the only one.  I was watching a minor league game one time (my wife enjoys it, and I enjoy my wife), it hit me that Baseball is a SOCIAL event, not a SPORTING event.  You sit, and have fun with your friends and once in awhile something exciting interrupts the conversations.  I guess the way that I can judge whether or not I can continue reading this blog is to read what you think about hockey……or maybe I don’t want to know.  I really enjoy what you write.

    • http://kateelizabethconner.com/ Kate Conner

      Social more than sporting, exactly!  The upside is you can get a tan and a pretty decent $7 lemonade. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=650665360 Elaine Palmer Ray

    I have not watched baseball since the 90s when they all went on strike right before the playoffs and world series. That showed me that all they cared about was their money and not the love of the game or their fans and in my book that is just wrong. So I have had no love of the game since then.  I am a SEC Football girl all the way!!!!!! :)

  • Scottcollins5

    Completely agree! Baseball season translates into “nothing worth watching”

  • Meh O606

    Its a looooooooong wait from the end of March Madness to the beginning of pre-season Football. 

    • http://kateelizabethconner.com/ Kate Conner

      Yes!

  • Robyn

    I absolutely LOVE baseball….apparently, I’m one of *those* people (but I’m not really a cat person!)…….But I would totally watch your version as well….I’m all for wipe-out baseball with tigers! :)  

  • EmmaLou

    YESYESYES! Being a Southern girl, I’m SURROUNDED with *bold* baseball fans.  Even my great-grandmother LOVES it. Seriously, every time I’m at her house, if a Braves game is on, that’s it. No other TV shows exist. Ever. Every spring & summer, my life and newsfeed are bombarded with baseball, especially the Braves. Every year, like a classy American, I bite my tongue. THANKYOU for your courage to say what I’ve been thinking & feeling for years! 

    Non-bold-baseball-fans unite! :)

  • Pam

    I’m with you girl! I absolutely LOVE football, but I absolutely loathe baseball. Fortunately for me my husband is not a big sports fan. The only time this is a problem is when I am watching a football game & he would rather be watching the National Geographic Channel. Thankfully we have now been married long enough for him to know that if one of my teams is playing football, DO NOT DARE GO NEAR THE REMOTE!!!!!

  • John Mark Harris

    Unfortunately, America’s past time is pornography. I prefer baseball.

  • Anonymous

    I would go to every MLB “Kate Style” game with you, for the rest of time. Amen and amen.

  • Jenieceharris

    You are absolutely hilarious. I stumbled upon your blog today via Facebook and I am so glad! Bouncy ball Baseball- yes please!

  • Erin Heistand

    I’m totally loving every idea.  I think the ratings would probably go up ten-fold, I would definitely become a baseball fan, for sure.

  • Jennifer Levell

    Brilliant! I’m especially in love with the whole flippers in the seventh inning idea. Just thinking about it makes me laugh like a lunatic. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/RebekahJean Rebekah Jean Kimminau

    Number 4 all the way. I would be at every baseball game there is. Oh and number 2 also. :)
    You don’t like Jack Johnson? Ha ha I totally agree with you on everything else. But Jack Johnson, what’s not to love? ;)

  • Susan

    probably your son will join little league & you’ll have to suffer through a million games. :) Also if he happens to be a pitcher, get back to me how boring it is. haha I have nephews who pitch in high school and college, I’ve sat on pins & needles & paced around more than once! Love to go cheer them on.