I am going to make you some promises today. Blog promises.
Here is a list of the top 3 most irritating blogger-moves that I promise never to do.
1. I promise to never post an article boasting “10 things you should know about…” or “The 26 most beautiful…” and then put each item on a separate page, forcing you to click an arrow 35 times just to get to the end of the list.
I am not desperate for page views, and, because I have a conscience, I will not to subject you to the emotional crash and burn that goes something like this:
2. I promise to never have music playing on my blog, because:
- It drives me crazy. I have my own music playing, thankyouverymuch. When I open your page and it messes with my groove by shoving all the wrong notes in with all of my right ones, it gets on my nerves. And it’s even worse when I can’t find your little music player to mute it and I either have to mute my whole computer (thereby turning off the music I chose to listen to) or just close your irritating site. Hint: I’ll close your irritating site.
-Choosing music is like choosing a fragrance. It’s so intimate and subjective that it’s impossible to choose for someone else unless you already know exactly what they like. (For fragrance, which scent by which retailer; for music, which song by which artist while they’re in which mood.) The wrong scent, even if it is just a tick off, will turn your stomach – just like the wrong song, even if it is just a tick off, will cause me to close a blog immediately without looking back.
- It severely limits readership. People think it says, “If you like this music, you’ll love me because I have good taste!” But what it really says, is, “If you don’t like the music that’s playing right now, you probably won’t like what I have to say on this blog because our tastes are so different.”
- I want to share music, not subject you to it. If there’s a song I want you to hear, I write a review. I post a link. I share the lyrics. I embed a video. With all those viable music-sharing options at my fingertips, I promise to never choose the most intrusive, irritating, isolating one.
3. I promise that I will never, ever, ever stoop to the mommy-blogging level of discussing the bodily functions of my children. If a story so gloriously hilarious arises that I would be doing the world a disservice not to share, I promise to speak in the cleanest euphemisms available in the English language and include a big, giant disclaimer at the top of the page.
I present my case fully in this old post called, “Just Say No – To Excrement Posts.” Send it to the over-sharing moms in your life. You’re welcome.
Those are my promises to you, on this 28th day of June, 2012. I can practically hear N’Sync’s “This I Promise You” crooning in the background.
You can’t, because I’m not playing it automatically. A woman of my word.